Though the prayer
of a united body of believers should never replace individual prayer, it has special significance and power. It is a
great gift from God when people who come from many divergent
backgrounds and persuasions can be truly united. For true unity is
more than emotional compatibility, more than compromise or consensus. It is the reality of being “of one heart and mind” (Acts 4:32).
As my grandfather once put it:
It is a remarkable thing when people decide something unanimously. It is the opposite of making a majority decision. Unanimity means that nobody disagrees with it or opposes it, not even
in secret.
We are not satisfied with finding an intellectual unanimity.
It is not enough to set a common goal and use all our willpower
to reach it; nor is it enough to vibrate together in an emotional
experience. We know that something different has to come over
us that will lift us out of this purely human level.
In the face of the hardships and difficulties (including illness, death,
and other such trials) that are a part of every life at one time or
another, unity is a glue that holds people together and keeps the
individual from despair. A woman in my church who experienced
this in a very practical way says that when unexpected illness hit
her family and tested her faith like nothing before, it was the
prayers of the united community around her that kept her from
falling apart.
Early one morning our six-year-old daughter ran into our bedroom, saying there was blood in her bed. At first we didn’t think
much of it, but when it became obvious to us that this was the
sort of bleeding our daughter should not be having for several
more years, we grew alarmed. Earlier she had complained that
her breasts were swollen and sore, and I had lined her swimsuit
with soft cotton, but now this! A trip to the doctor did little to
allay our fears: he told us this indicated either a brain tumor or
an ovarian one.
We panicked. Our minds were whirling and our hearts were
in knots. I could not keep my mind on anything, and I thought
about my daughter every moment of the day. I also felt a
sudden and overwhelming feeling of utter failure as a mother,
how much more I should have loved her, my only daughter. We
must have prayed for God’s strength a hundred times in those
next few days. Even though our daughter was not in pain, and
our first trip or two to the hospital were uneventful, I felt like
crying every time I thought of her.
Several days later, at our request, our minister told the
congregation of our need. At that very instant a tremendous
peace came over me. I can only explain it as a feeling of a heavy
burden being lifted off my back. The church had taken it from
us, and was carrying it for us. We were released from the strain
of worrying for our daughter on our own and could give her
over into God’s care in complete trust.
During the next seven weeks multiple tests were done –
brain scans, hormone stimulation tests, and endless consultations with specialists. There were some abnormal results in the
blood work, and finally a large tumor was found in her ovary.
But through it all, we were carried on wings of peace. It almost
seemed at times that perhaps we were too unconcerned. Eventually, surgery was performed. There was no sign of cancer; the
tumor was of the type that should have been associated with a
different pattern of high hormone levels in the blood, which our
daughter did not have. The specialists were puzzled. It remained
a mystery to them; nothing made sense.
But to us it did. Hadn’t our church carried this need to God
daily in hundreds of personal prayers? Hadn’t a united church
interceded for her? It had, and God had heard.
Within a healthy marriage,
unity is evident in a unique way.
Marriage is, or should be, a commitment to faithfulness for life, as
many vows state, “in health and in sickness, in good times and bad,
until death parts you.” When two lives are shared unconditionally,
there will be a full understanding of one another, a heart-to-heart
relationship, an intimate sharing of all inner concerns. This leads to
harmony on the deepest spiritual level, which includes the prayer
life of each and of both together.
In our church communities, therefore, marriage only takes place
between a man and a woman who have founded their own individual lives on God, and whose relationship to God, as far as can be
discerned by the church, is firm and mature. Without this, we feel,
a marriage is built on sand.
One of the questions answered by the couple at a Bruderhof wedding ceremony includes an admonition to the groom regarding the
importance of respect for his bride: “…for the apostle Peter warns
us that our prayers may be hindered unless we are willing to consider and honor our wives.” Though it seems obvious enough that
there must be a connection between the quality of a relationship
with someone we love and our relationship with God, Peter’s words
are worth pondering more deeply, because they touch on the deepest foundation of marriage: unity of faith.
Husband and wife are more than close friends; they are bound by
a mutual commitment, one they have vowed to keep sacred in two
ways. One, it is exclusive, and two, it is meant to be kept forever.
John asks, “How can we love God, whom we do not see, if we cannot love our brother, whom we do see?” In light of this question,
the parallel between a good marriage and a fruitful prayer life is
plain. If I lack the compassion, honesty, and humility to honor the
person I am closest to in this world – the love of my life –
it is hardly plausible that I will have it in me to commune fruitfully
with God through prayer.
There is yet another dimension to prayer in a marriage: its stabilizing effect in helping overcome differences between the two
partners, no matter how incompatible their personalities might
seem, if they are determined to stay together. The following words
of Jack and Jean, a couple in my congregation, amply illustrate this:
We both have the strong tendency of wanting our own way and
are all too ready to defend our own point of view. In our marriage of twenty-eight years, it happened much too often that we
would get into a dead-lock situation. We have had to deal with
our differences and arguments, and it has been painful. We had
to work hard to keep our marriage together.
It was prayer that helped us to break the cycle of hurting
each other with a sarcastic remark or criticism. By praying together daily, we have found it possible to get beyond “just the
two of us,” beyond hurt feelings and pride. It takes humility and
honesty. It takes knowing you need it, but that’s not enough. We
have to
ask
for it, in prayer. But it means praying for it together; it
has to be the longing of both of us. We have found that any unresolved grudge toward the other kills our prayer. But when we are
united, prayer provides a certainty to keep at it, to keep going.
Clergy and parents of young people need to ask: do we give sufficient guidance and help to couples considering marriage? Young
adults in love should be made aware of the danger of admiring
each other solely (even primarily) because of physical or sexual attractiveness; if this dominates a relationship, it will surely go sour.
For a relationship to last, both partners must seek and find what is
of God in the other.
Dale, a friend over many years
, wrote the letter below to a
couple in my church at the time of their wedding. It captures the
spiritual basis for marriage concisely and deeply.
We are with you in mind and heart and spirit on this day of your
coming together before God as a unity for life. We wish you every happiness – knowing full well that most happiness comes
only with work and struggle.
So, in effect, we are wishing you much work and much
struggle. But let it be said, the paradox is that therein lies the
blessing.
No one ever learned anything of value riding the crest of
success. But sooner or later every wave breaks – it all comes
down – it’s guaranteed – whatever wave we are surfing on will
break. And we find ourselves in the deep, treading water while
tons more pours down on us.
This is when the swimming becomes hard. Gasping for air,
desperate to survive but with no means to do so, this is where
the empty, open hand that has no option but faith finds the
hand of God. Now learning begins. It is terrifying. And it is a gift.
One of the many blessings of a marriage based in the Holy
Spirit and Jesus Christ is that two seekers can thrust their hands
up together, that like Aaron holding up Moses’ arms, two can
support each other when the strength of one is not enough.
But there is a danger in that too – we must be clear that two
people with little strength are barely more powerful than one
person with little strength. The most we can do for each other is
hold up the arms to God – only God’s power will overcome.
This is my prayer for you – that no matter how tired you are,
how frustrated, how discouraged, how fed up, how angry, how
disappointed or disillusioned – no matter – that in spite of it you
will always rush to the side of the other to hold up your spouse’s
arms in prayer lest the other become too tired to pray, too tired
to reach up one more time and find the hand of God. And just
like Moses and Aaron, you will always see that God is faithful to
his promises, that as you hold each other up in prayer, two as
one, the spiritual battle will turn to the side of the light.
You never know what will happen in a marriage; it is usually what
you are least prepared for. My parents were married for over forty
years, and for many of those years my father was a very sick man.
He was often close to death. We were sure he would die before my
mother. She was the healthy and active one, swimming, hiking, and
working in the garden for hours. Then, all of a sudden, like a lightning bolt out of the blue, my mother was found to have cancer. She
died only five months after the diagnosis.
Aside from serious illness, married couples will go through plenty
of experiences that require a foundation of unshakeable unity in
the facing of difficulties. A partner may suffer an emotional breakdown. Or the woman may have a miscarriage. Or perhaps the
couple is infertile and cannot have children. They may lose a child
through death. Will they stand by each other in support and in
prayer? Is their bond strong enough to weather any crisis?
As children grow up, there will be plenty of tensions between the
parents. A cute three-year-old turns into a mischievous schoolboy
who needs loving guidance, and in the turbulent years of adolescence, the innocent child becomes a sulky, rebellious teenager.
If prayer is ever needed, it is in a marriage; there has to be daily
prayer and daily forgiveness. A young husband in my church wrote
to me:
Taking time to pray together in the morning and at night before
bed is a very powerful thing that I appreciate more and more
each day. The morning used to be the hardest for me, but I have
come to realize what an effect it has to take this time to turn to
the Lord, even if in just a few words. At night, following prayer,
we both sleep better. After our morning prayer I can feel this
peace being given to my wife, as I also experience it myself. It is
amazing what a difference this makes for the rest of the day. I
firmly believe that prayer is vital for a marriage. I would even say
it is the duty of a husband and wife to take the time to pray together and for each other.
The celibate life
can be an unbearable burden for the person who
does not feel it to be his or her personal calling. Nevertheless,
through actively seeking God’s will, peace of heart can be found.
The answer is in unity, not with another person in the most
intimate sense, but with fellow believers in the unity of the church,
and ultimately, unity with God. If such a person does not succumb
to the bitterness that results from frustrated desire, but instead
overcomes its magnetic power, he or she can live purely and fully in
God’s love. Fara, the daughter of close friends, writes:
I am forty-five years old and single, and I’ll admit I didn’t feel the
calling to celibacy.
As a young woman I had all the natural feelings of longing
and dreams for a partner. In fact, I often thought I was in love
with one or the other young man. But every time it turned out
to be only from my side.
One by one my friends married, and each time I struggled
with jealousy and self-pity. Why was I not given this gift? What
was wrong with me? How could I bear to stay single – never to
have a husband, never to have children?
In my need, I turned to my minister, not once but many
times. He directed me to turn to God in prayer, which opened my
eyes and heart to something much greater: the fact that by the
very sacrifice of marriage, I could do something for God
and
I
could do it in joy. I did not have to circle around my singleness.
This was not a onetime realization. Over and over I had to pray
for acceptance.
Repeatedly I have fallen short of this calling, but I believe it
is possible with the help of God. And I have been able to find joy
in giving up marriage for the sake of God. Even now, after so
many years, I have moments or hours of longing or loneliness,
but as time goes by, this question has become of less and less
importance to me. For many years I have had the privilege and
joy of working with children, and I have had the chance to serve
others in ways that I couldn’t have, had I been married.
I believe that one can live a totally fulfilled life as a single
person, even if one has not felt the calling to celibacy. Christ can
fill every void.
Although a meaningful sphere of human experience is closed to the
unmarried, of all people it is they who can be granted a rich fulfillment and happiness in life, in service to others and to God. In fact,
every one of us needs to be fully redeemed in this area, for a marriage partner must never become more important than God, and
marriage should never be a distraction from our personal relationship with him.