I couldn’t believe my eyes. I sat at the table in the kitchen
surrounded by boxes as I sipped my morning coffee. Lamin and I were just two days away from moving to our minimansion in New Jersey, and I was so excited. As much as I loved our brownstone, I was anxious to start a new life with Lamin in a new place.
But as I sat staring at the gossip page in the
Daily News
, I prayed that my eyes were playing tricks on me. The picture of Lamin holding hands with a woman at a restaurant in Manhattan didn’t lie, though. I stared at that photo for a long time. Then I read the caption underneath.
HIP-HOP MOGUL LAMIN MICHAELS AND SONY MUSIC EXECUTIVE DREAM BIGGS AN ITEM?
My eyes welled up with tears and I wiped them quickly. I read the article next to the photo and my tears soon turned into rage.
Entertainment mogul Lamin Michaels has been spending lots of time with Sony A&R Dream Biggs. The two were spotted lunching at the popular soul food eatery Esmee’s, where a waitress tells us the pair affectionately ogled each other. Michaels, whose megamillion-dollar company Shootin’ Crooks
has been in high demand for video and movie production, was previously linked to the leggy stunner Laila Matheson with whom he attended many events around town. Insiders say that Dream has expressed her love for the handsome CEO who has recently been called one of hip hop’s most eligible bachelors.
I slammed the paper down on the table and snatched my purse off the counter. I rifled through the papers in my bag until I found the receipt Lamin and I had argued about. He told me that the flowers were sent to “a Sony exec” he wanted to do business with. I read the name on the receipt and my worst fears were confirmed.
Dream Biggs.
I held on to the counter for support. This nigga was playin’ me! That muthafucka! With the newspaper in my hand, I stormed down the hallway to our bedroom where Lamin was sleeping. Now I knew how he was spending all his time lately. I smacked the shit out of him while he was sleeping, and he woke up fumbling all over the covers, his eyes squinted and his mouth open in surprise.
“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, LUCKY?” He stood and towered over me. I wasn’t scared of him, though. My rage gave me courage.
“THIS IS WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME, LAMIN!” I threw the newspaper in his face, and he caught it. I watched him read the article and look at the picture, and I saw the look of guilt on his face. My heart sank. As angry as I was—as fed up as I was—I wanted Lamin to have an explanation for this. I wanted him to tell me that this was all just a misunderstanding. But he couldn’t. And I think that shit hurt more than anything.
“I thought you loved me, Lamin.” I didn’t even try to fight the tears anymore. I felt like I had a knife in my chest that was ripping at my heart. I wanted to curl up and die.
“I do love you, Laila—”
“YOU DON’T FUCKIN’ LOVE ME!!”
Lamin reached for me and I swatted his hand away. “Don’t touch me! Don’t you ever fuckin’ touch me again!”
“Lucky, come on, baby. Stop it!”
I shook my head as I looked at him. I was disgusted, heartbroken, angry, embarrassed, disappointed, and frustrated all at the same time. All those emotions overwhelmed me, and I just needed to get out of that house before I went crazy. I turned to leave, heading for the closet to get dressed so that I could go. Lamin grabbed me from behind and I struggled against him. I fought him with all my might. But my small 120-pound frame was no match against Lamin’s 185 pounds of muscle. He overpowered me, scooped me up in his arms, and held me close as I wiggled around in vain trying to get free.
“Lucky, stop, please! Just let me talk to you!” Lamin’s voice cracked with emotion but I wasn’t moved.
I finally stopped fighting him, let my body go limp in his arms, and he carried me to the bed where he layed me down gently and wiped my tears. I was inconsolable.
“Why did you do this, Lamin? Why? What did I do wrong?”
“You didn’t do nothing wrong, Lucky. It’s me, not you. Stop cryin’, baby.”
My rage came back. “Then why, Lamin? What did I
not
give you? Why the hell did you cheat on me?”
Lamin closed his eyes like he was trying to block out reality. It seemed like he was trying to make everything go away. Then he opened them and looked at me. He was silent for a moment. Then he spoke.
“Lucky, I never meant to hurt you, baby. Since I got in this industry I meet all kinds of people—all kinds of women …” His voice trailed off. “I’m human, Lucky. I’m human and I fucked up. But don’t walk away from me for makin’ a mistake. I’ll fix this. I swear I will. I already told her that it’s over …”
“You’re a liar, Lamin!”
“I swear, Lucky. On everything I stand for, I swear I told her it’s over. I love
you
. I only love you. You gotta believe me.”
Damn, I wanted to believe him. I swear I did. I wanted so badly to believe him. I cried, wishing I had never picked up the newspaper
that day, wishing I had never found out that the only man I ever loved was giving his love away.
Lamin kissed my tear-stained face. “I love you, Lucky. I’m sorry.” He kissed my lips and untied my robe. I don’t know why I let him do it. Maybe I wanted to feel him; maybe I needed to have him inside of me, thinking that it would fill the void I had in my heart. I was so devastated, so heartbroken, that I felt a physical void in my body. I felt a physical emptiness, and I wanted Lamin to fill it. I let him kiss me slowly as the tears rolled down my cheeks. I let him tell me over and over that he was sorry; let him put his lips between my thighs and take me away from the pain. I felt him enter me and make love to me slowly and tenderly, and I heard him tell me again and again that I was the only one he loved. I wanted to believe him. Even after we both reached our climax, I tried to convince myself that he was sincere as I fell asleep in his arms.
When I awoke, Lamin was gone. I lay there for a while with so many thoughts running through my head. I realized that I no longer cared about where he was. I was finished. Making love to him had been beautiful. But it didn’t change the facts. Lamin had cheated on me—publicly—with another woman. A beautiful woman whose career would always cross paths with Lamin’s. He had not only been unfaithful, but he had destroyed the unshakable trust that I had in him. I made up my mind at that moment to leave him. There was no salvaging our relationship because I no longer trusted him. As much as it hurt me, as much as it tore me apart, I began to pack my things. There were boxes throughout the apartment that had been prepared for our move to New Jersey. I thought about the new house that I was walking away from, and I almost hesitated. But that house, all the jewelry and the trips, the cars, and the shopping sprees—it would have been enough for me if I didn’t love Lamin. But when you love someone—really love them with every fiber of your being—all you want is them. And he was no longer mine.
I started taking boxes out to my car. I loaded several stacks into my Benz—loaded up the trunk, the backseat, and the passenger seat—and
went back inside to get my clothes. I cried the entire time. I put the last of my belongings into my suitcase and took one more walk through the house that I had made a home for us for so many years. I walked into the bathroom and recalled the times after his shooting when I had bathed Lamin when he was too weak to stand and bathe himself I remembered how he had needed me then and wished I could turn back the hands of time. I thought back to the night a few weeks prior when Lamin came home with blood on his hands, and I helped him wash that blood off and helped his sister get over her trauma. I went into our bedroom once more and reminisced on the times we’d made love or sat up late at night watching old movies and just loving each other. I walked through the kitchen where I had learned to cook soul food dinners for my man because that was what he liked. How I had made Thanksgiving and Christmas special in that kitchen over the years; turkeys, collard greens, macaroni and cheese, corn-bread stuffing, candied yams—all dishes I had mastered to keep Lamin happy. Thought back to the first time he told me he loved me—on a yacht in the middle of New York Harbor. That’s when I lost it. I cried. A good ole ugly cry. The kind of cry when you don’t give a fuck what you look like or who hears you. I cried my guts out for Lamin. Then, when I ran out of tears, I pulled myself up off the floor and fixed my clothes. I brushed myself off and grabbed my suitcase. I was leaving.
But that’s when Lamin came through the door. He seemed surprised when he saw my suitcase in my hand. He looked around and noticed so many boxes were missing and he shook his head.
“Don’t do this, Lucky. Don’t leave me, baby.”
“Lamin …”
“NO!” he yelled. “Don’t do this shit, Lucky! I’m sorry.”
He fell to his knees and I was confused for a minute. I saw him fumble through his pockets and then he pulled out a red velvet box. “Please, Lucky.”
I realized what it was, and I was shocked. He opened the box to reveal the biggest, most beautiful princess-cut diamond engagement ring I had ever seen in my life. I got teary-eyed just looking at it. It
was hard enough to walk away without him putting that exquisite piece of jewelry in my face.
“I know I fucked up. I know I did you wrong. I was stupid and I was selfish and I am so, so sorry. Please believe me. I love you, Laila. Please marry me and we can work this out.”
I was crying despite my efforts to keep my emotions in check. To my surprise, Lamin was crying, too. I saw a few tears fall down his face as he stared into my eyes. It broke my heart to see him cry. It was the first time I had ever seen him show emotion on that level in all my years of being with him. I shook my head.
“No. No, Lamin …”
“Please don’t say that, Lucky. Please don’t tell me no.” He looked so genuinely sad. But my mind was made up.
“No, Lamin.” I walked around him and he got on his feet and grabbed me by the wrist.
“Lucky, how you gonna walk away from me like this?” He seemed amazed that I would turn him down.
“Lamin, you walked away from
me!
Every time you fucked another woman you walked further away from me. So don’t act like I’m the one who did this to us! You played me, Lamin! You were fuckin’ this bitch and God only knows how many others. I can’t handle that. I just can’t.”
Lamin’s facial expression changed. I saw the pain in his eyes, but at the same time, there was anger there. He stared at me, still holding tight to my wrist.
“After all the shit I did for you, Lucky? After all the shit I did for you, you’re gonna walk out on me?”
I couldn’t believe him! “What you did for
me?
What about what I gave up for
you
? I walked away from my family for you!”
“Your family wasn’t takin’ you on trips to the Caribbean or buyin’ you cars, thousand-dollar watches, diamonds, and fur coats!”
“Fuck all that shit, Lamin! I can’t believe you would even say that to me! Is that what you think I wanted from you?”
“Well, you didn’t turn it down, Lucky! I always took care of you.
You lived better with me than you ever lived in your life, and I never heard you complain.”
“That’s because you’re never home to hear me complain! Did you think that money would satisfy me? I never wanted your money. I would have loved you the same if you were broke. But I wasn’t enough for you, and I’m tired of it. Just let me go, Lamin!”
He shoved me by my arm toward the door. “Get the fuck out then, Lucky. GO! Fuck it! If you want to walk away, WALK! I’m through beggin’.”
I stood looking at him because I no longer recognized him. This Lamin was unfamiliar to me. I turned, picked up my suitcase, and walked out of his life for good.
I knew I fucked up. I underestimated how high-profile I was and I never expected to see a picture of me and Dream in the newspaper. But I never meant to hurt Lucky like that. I thought we would work it out, though. After we had sex, I laid there thinking about how I could make things right with Lucky. So I left, went to my jeweler and chose a ring that I thought she would love. I never expected her to tell me no.
My pride was wounded. I really did love Lucky. I cared for Dream a lot, but it didn’t come close to the love I had for Lucky. And she had walked out on me. I wanted her to forgive me and let me make it up to her. And when she didn’t stay, I was shocked. I was hurt.
So I reacted. Maybe it was impulsive, but I drove to Dream’s Manhattan condominium. When I got there, I rang the doorbell. She opened the door looking lovelier than ever. She had taken out her trademark cornrows, and her long hair made her look angelic. She wore a long-sleeved white collared shirt buttoned halfway. Her only other clothing was a pair of panties, and I wondered for a minute if she had company.
“Come in, Lamin. I’m surprised to see you.” I came in and saw that
she had been cooking and heard her Nina Simone CD playing. Her place was cozy, and I always loved coming here. Dream saw the expression on my face and knew something was bothering me. “What’s wrong?”
I handed her a copy of the newspaper and showed her the photo. She read the article and her mouth dropped open in shock. “How did they take this picture without us knowing? And what ‘insiders’ told them that I fell in love with you?”
I shrugged. “Probably the nosey-ass waitress.” I walked over to her couch and sat down. Dream came and sat beside me.
“Did Lucky see this?” she asked.
I nodded. “Yup. So we had a fight, she moved out, and here I am.” I looked at Dream. “If you want me to leave, I will. I don’t want you to think that the only reason I’m here is because Lucky left me.”
Dream tilted her head to the side. “Would you be here if she hadn’t left you?”
I thought about it. “To be honest with you, Dream, I don’t think I would have been able to stay away from you for long.”
She smiled. “Then I don’t want you to leave.” She went to the bar and poured me a drink without me asking for one. She brought me the drink and sat back down, and it showed me how thoughtful Dream could be. She always anticipated what I needed or wanted, and that shit meant a lot to me. Especially then, when I had been through so much that day.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked.
I shook my head, swallowed my drink in one gulp. “Nah. There ain’t really nothin’ to talk about. But you could come a little closer and help me forget about it. Is that alright?”
She smiled again and said, “Yeah. That’s alright.”
We had hot, sweaty, uninhibited sex on her living room floor. I had her long legs on my shoulders, diggin’ her back out. I hit it from the back, gave her rug burns on her knees, and even got her up against the wall with one leg flung over my arm. Afterward, we lay on the floor in front of her fireplace while she fed me.
“This shit is good. Where’d you learn to cook like this?” My mouth was full of her delicious beef stew.
“I got a lot of skills you don’t know about.” She looked so pretty laying in the glow of the fireplace. We sat in silence as she fed me, and it was a very romantic moment. But, I couldn’t get Lucky off my mind. I couldn’t believe she really left me.
Dream’s voice broke my reverie. “Can you spend the night with me for the first time, Lamin?”
I smiled at her and realized that I wanted to do more than spend the night. Shit. If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with, right? On an impulse, I got up and reached into the pocket of my jeans laying on the floor nearby. I came back and sat beside Dream and pulled out the ring box. I flipped it open and her eyes widened in surprise.
“If it’s alright with you, I want to do more than spend the night. I think I might want to spend my life with you, Dream.”
She hugged me so tight and kissed me over and over. “Oh my God, Lamin!”
She said yes, and I was happy. Maybe it was just a substitute for the real happiness I had experienced with Lucky. Maybe I was jumping into marriage with Dream because I couldn’t be married to the woman I really wanted. But whatever my reasons were, I was getting married. I kissed Dream—the woman who would soon be my wife.