Authors: Jennifer Comeaux
“I don’t wanna bother you.”
“It’s not a bother.”
Liza said she had to get to sleep, but I could tell she was just too disappointed to talk. I let her go, but not before apologizing again. After tossing the phone onto the bed, I covered my face with my hands.
Can this day just end already?
Chapter Twenty-Three
I crammed the last bite of chocolate cannoli into my mouth and closed the empty pastry box. I’d discovered one of the perks of no longer being a competitive skater — I could gorge myself on whatever dessert or junk food I wanted. Dad had gone to Modern Pastry after work three times the past week just to get my favorite cannoli and Italian cookies.
Both Mom and Dad had been so caring and understanding. I’d spent the week at their apartment trying to get a handle on all my overwhelming emotions. I hadn’t wanted to be alone at Em and Sergei’s house, and I wasn’t sure when I could go back there. My anger toward them had subsided, but I still didn’t know what to say to them. Em had left me voicemails, all of which I’d left unanswered. A phone conversation didn’t seem right after everything we’d been through.
“Is the last group on yet?” Mom asked through the cut-out between the kitchen and living room.
I glanced at the TV where the top six ladies, including Liza, had gathered beside the ice. They all wore the same intense face, one I knew very well as the “Oh my God, I’m about to skate the most important program of my life” look.
“They’re getting ready to warm up,” I said.
Mom and I had been watching the ladies’ free skate all evening while Dad worked in the bedroom. Hearing the announcers talk about the Olympics caused twinges of anger to flare in my gut, but I was feeling more anxious than upset. Liza sat in third place after the short program, and there were three spots on the Olympic team for the ladies.
Mom rejoined me on the sofa after the warm-up, and we watched the first four girls in the group skate well, putting the pressure on Liza. She had the most technically difficult free skate planned, so all she had to do was survive her nerves. It sounded so easy, but I knew how hard it was. I still didn’t know how I’d skated the best program of my life with so much on the line.
And it hadn’t mattered.
My chest tightened, and I picked up one of the blue throw pillows and wrapped it in my arms. How long would it be until I stopped having these emotional episodes? One minute I was fine and then the next I was on the verge of tears.
I let out a slow breath and focused on the TV. Liza smiled as she got a final pep talk from Sergei and her New York coach Sandra.
“She looks confident,” Mom said.
“She should be. I swear, she hardly ever misses a jump at practice. She just has to trust her technique and not think too much.”
Liza skated to her starting spot on the ice and smoothed the long sleeves of her purple dress. Once she struck her opening pose, the music of Sibelius began, and she gracefully pushed across the ice toward her first jump combination.
Mom and I both leaned forward, and I squeezed the pillow harder as Liza went up into the air. She rotated each triple in the combination so quickly they looked like doubles, and when she landed on one foot, I pumped my fist. Every time she completed another jump in the program cleanly I slapped the pillow and edged further forward. My heart was beating at a nerve-wracking pace.
As Liza set up for her seventh and final triple, I clutched Mom’s arm, holding my breath during the jump. Upon the perfect landing I shrieked, “She did it!”
Liza became a purple blur in her ending scratch spin, and the crowd flew to its feet. Mom and I jumped up from the couch and gave her a standing ovation of our own. The camera flashed to the coaches at the boards, and Sergei had both arms thrust into the air. Then it panned to the stands and showed Liza’s mom, Em, and the twins. Em was bawling.
I swallowed hard. I wished I was there to hug her and celebrate with her and Sergei and Liza. I was supposed to be there.
My eyes stayed peeled to the TV as I sank onto the couch. Liza skated to the boards with her hands over her mouth, and she dove into Sergei’s arms once she reached him. I felt like I was watching the exact scene I’d lived one week ago. The perfect skate at the perfect moment. I pushed aside my sadness and crossed all my fingers and toes that Liza would have better luck with the judges than I’d had.
I gnawed on my thumbnail as the wait for the scores dragged on. Liza would be the youngest person by far on the Olympic team, but she was a junior world champion and one of the biggest future stars for American figure skating. They wouldn’t be stupid enough to hold her back because of her senior level inexperience, would they?
The marks came up, and I scanned the numbers for the placement.
Second!
Liza broke down and was smothered with hugs from Sergei and Sandra. I couldn’t stop my tears either, and Mom scooted over and put her arm around me.
“I’m so proud of her,” I said.
Mom rubbed my shoulder. “I know it has to be a little tough for you to watch, though.”
I sniffed and looked down at my lap. I couldn’t deny the small pangs of envy that pricked just below the surface of my happiness.
“I wish we could’ve been on the team together. We would’ve been roommates in the Village.” I wiped my eyes and smiled a little. “But I really am so excited and happy for her.”
The final skater took the ice, but I didn’t pay much attention to her performance. All I thought about was Liza and Josh and how my feelings toward their accomplishments had differed.
“Why couldn’t I have been this happy for Josh?” I said quietly.
“Honey, that was a different situation. You and Josh were competing against each other. It’s natural that his success was difficult to swallow.”
I was still trying to swallow it. It was like a permanent lump in my throat. But there was another reason for the pain I felt. I missed Josh more than I thought possible. I missed everything about him but especially his friendship.
I had to stay away from him once he returned from Spokane, though. Being around him could bring up all the bad feelings from nationals that I was trying to move past. Plus, I didn’t want to drag him down with my issues when he should be enjoying every moment of preparing for the Olympics.
If the two of us were to see each other, there was entirely too much potential for emotional disaster.
****
The coffee shop hummed with activity on the cold afternoon, and it took me a minute to spot Mark in the back of the room. I gave him a little wave before going to the counter. When I had my hot chocolate in hand, I met him at the small table he’d secured.
He stood and gave me a tentative hug. “Thanks for driving down.”
We hadn’t spoken since we’d left Spokane over a week ago, and I was happy when he’d called and asked to meet on the Cape. We’d both needed time to decompress after nationals, but I was ready to talk. Our relationship was one of a few in my life currently in disarray, and I wanted to fix that.
I sat across from Mark and took a tiny sip of my steaming-hot drink. “How have you been?”
He played with the lid on his coffee. “It’s been weird not going to the rink. I still wake up early every morning and feel like I need to be somewhere.”
“I have the same feeling.”
“It’s kind of a relief, though. Not having that stress or that pressure anymore.”
“Yeah…” I went to take another sip but stopped before I burned my tongue again. “I miss it a lot, though. Being on the ice, in particular.”
We sat in silence, both fiddling with our cups. Mark finally set his down and folded his arms on the table.
“I’m really sorry about the way I quit and walked out on you,” he said. “You deserved better than that.”
“You were upset. Neither of us was thinking clearly at that moment.”
“Still. It was a crappy thing to do. I should’ve apologized when I saw you at the victory ceremony, but I was too mad at the world to think about anything else.”
I winced just thinking about that awful day. “It hurt that you didn’t talk to me before you said, ‘I’m done,’ but I didn’t blame you for not wanting to skate again after what happened.”
“Do you?” He tilted his head slightly. “Wanna skate again?”
I paused and thought about the thrill of competition, the rush of nervous energy that was so scary yet so exciting. It had been such a big part of my life for so long. Saying goodbye to it was harder than I’d expected. But I had to move on. I had to start looking forward to whatever came next.
“It would’ve been nice to have some closure, but it’s probably best that nationals was our final competition. I don’t think we could skate any better than we did.”
Mark sat back and breathed deeply through his nose. “I still can’t believe we lost to them by four hundredths of a point.”
“I’m trying not to dwell on that so much,” I said, staring down at the table.
“Have you talked to Josh at all?”
I shook my head. “Not since right after the event.”
“Are you guys finished?” he asked gently.
“I… I don’t know. I’ve been having a lot of doubts about whether we’re supposed to be together. But when I think about not having him in my life…”
Mark took a long draw on his coffee. “Take your time figuring it out. Let yourself get past all this mess from nationals first.”
I nodded slowly. “I will.”
We talked a while longer and discussed our immediate plans for the future. Mark’s were a lot more definite than mine. He was applying to Cape Cod Community College for the fall semester and starting a job at his dad’s auto shop the next week. I still had to research which schools I might apply to and decide if I wanted to take a second shot at Boston College.
When I left the coffee shop, I did have one definite plan. There was another relationship I had to repair. I drove across the island with the sun setting in my rearview mirror, and I arrived at Em and Sergei’s house with anxiety clawing at my stomach.
I climbed onto the porch and pressed the doorbell, and Sergei looked at me with surprise when he opened the door.
“You rang the bell,” he said.
“It didn’t feel right… just letting myself in.”
He gave me an understanding smile and stepped aside. “Come in.”
I took a few steps into the living room, and Em lifted her head from where she was working in the kitchen. The twins also stopped playing with their building blocks.
“Coco, you home!” Quinn ran toward me.
I knelt on the carpet, and both Quinn and Alex threw their arms around my neck. I held them close and kissed the tops of their soft little heads. I’d missed my snuggle buddies and their sweet hugs.
Em wiped her hands on a dishtowel and came around the bar into the living room. Her eyes were so much brighter than they’d been the last time I’d seen her in person.
“I’m so happy you’re here,” she said. “When you didn’t answer my messages, I didn’t know if…”
“I didn’t wanna talk over the phone,” I said as I rose to my feet.
Alex tugged on my jacket. “We made you a present.”
“Let’s get it!” Quinn grabbed his hand, and they clambered up the stairs.
Em motioned to the sofa. “Come sit.”
I took off my jacket, and Em and I sat on the couch while Sergei took the oversized chair. I was contemplating how to begin when the twins came bounding down the stairs with a piece of paper. They held it behind their backs as they stood in front of me.
“Mommy tolded us you sad about the Olympic,” Quinn said.
“So we made you dis.” Alex handed me the paper.
On it was a crayon drawing of a bright blue ribbon with a gold medal hanging from it. Written on the medal in crooked letters was
Coco
#1 Skater
. My eyes pooled with tears, and I put my hand to my heart.
“It say Coco number one skater,” Alex said.
Quinn poked the paper. “Mommy help us write it.”
I smiled and swiped at the moisture trickling onto my cheeks. “I love it so much. This is the best present ever.”
I brought them in for more hugs, and then Sergei took their hands. “Let’s let Mommy and Court talk, and you can help me make the salad.”
Em went over to her purse on the bar and pulled out a packet of tissues. She took one for herself before offering the rest to me. I hadn’t noticed she’d started crying, too.
We both began to speak at the same time and then insisted the other one go first. Em had the final word and gave me the floor. I finished blotting my eyes before I began.
“I said some really harsh things to you, and I shouldn’t have taken my anger out on you. That wasn’t fair. You and Sergei have done so much for me. You brought me into your home and you’ve treated me like family…” I took a breath to settle my shakiness. “I know how much you wanted this for me, how hard you worked to make it happen. I couldn’t have gotten anywhere close to making the team without you.”
Em’s chin trembled. “I should’ve done more, though. I feel so awful that I let you down.”
I shook my head vigorously. “You didn’t. You did everything you could to make sure we skated the best program of our lives. I couldn’t have asked for better coaches—”
I choked on a sob, and Em pulled me in for a long hug. Neither of us could speak as we sniffled quietly. After we finally let go, we both reached for more tissues.
“When we brought Stephanie and Josh here, we truly believed we were doing what was best for you and Mark,” Em said.
“I know. I’m glad you brought them here. If you hadn’t, I never would’ve gotten to know Josh.” I mopped up more tears. “I don’t know what’s going to happen with us, but I wouldn’t give up the past six months for anything.”
Em’s forehead creased with concern. “He’s been asking about you. If I’d talked to you.”
My heart swelled. “Has he said anything else?”
“I asked him why he hadn’t talked to you himself. He said he needs to let you heal because right now when you look at him all you see is what you lost.”
I lowered my eyes. “When he looks at me, I think he feels guilty about making the team. That’s why it’s best we do our own thing for now.”