Authors: James Dawson
‘Ben?’ The word only just managed to crawl out of Ryan’s mouth.
Ben didn’t open his eyes. He sat with his head back on the chair. A tear had run over his cheek and into the corner of his mouth.
Ryan fought back tears, too. He could handle Greg being a killer – he understood it in a way – but not his oldest friend. ‘Ben, look at me. What did you do?’
Ben’s eyes opened and another tear ran down his cheek. ‘I,’ Ben started. His voice broke. He sat forward and rested his glass on his knee. ‘OK. You have to believe me.
This is what happened . . .’
B
en tugged at the bow tie around his neck. The bloody thing was choking him like a leash. He undid his top button and finished the last of his
beer, pitching the bottle at the bin. It bounced off the rim and missed. Typical. Everything about this night had been an epic miss. He messed up his hair, trying to get rid of the itchy gel. Who
was he kidding? Trying to be a good, clean Head Boy – Cambridge material,
boyfriend
material.
He was neither. Ben always felt like he was being stalked by failure. All the flukes and strokes of luck, all the popularity contests he had no idea how he won. It was like the devil was on his
back sometimes, waiting for him to put a foot wrong, ready to claim his payment. Now, sitting alone on the bench outside Janey’s house, it felt like his luck had finally run out. He’d
cheated on his girlfriend. And he’d been caught.
He retrieved his phone. It had survived being flung at him. He’d texted Katie about an hour ago, as soon as Janey had stormed out of the gymnasium. The text he’d sent had read:
Janey knows about us. What do you want me to do?
He knew better than to send text-speak to Katie; it was her pet hate.
Still no reply. He knew she was sick. She was probably asleep by now, but he lived in hope she might wake and pick up the message. He couldn’t do this by himself – he needed to know
he had at least one friend left. His mum always said he was a people-pleaser and he was. He
hated
the idea of people being angry with him, but that hadn’t stopped him from playing
with fire. The last few weeks felt as if they’d been lived by someone else while he’d been on the outside looking in. How else could his casual, breezy existence have gone so wrong?
He’d hurt Janey
and
jeopardised his friendship with Katie. He
loathed
himself. He was worse than his cheating scumbag dad. The way he’d treated his mum was a
disgrace, always had been, and even though Ben had spent all his life trying
not
to be his dad, here he was doing exactly the same thing. The sooner he got out of this dismal town, the
better. He needed to escape from all of them: Mum, Dad, Janey, Katie. The college chapter of his life couldn’t have come at a better time.
He dialled Janey’s mobile. He needed to man-up and explain, try to unpick the jumble of knots in his head. After a moment of static, it went straight to voicemail. The house behind him was
pitch-dark, but he rang her landline regardless. He could hear the shrill tone through the window, but no one came to answer. God only knew where the rest of the Bradshaws were.
He could think of only one other place to look for Janey: the beach. Her home was so near to the cliffs that she would often walk the dog there late at night to clear her head. That was how he
knew there was more to Janey than people realised. Everyone thought they were a weird couple – he was so laid back he was practically horizontal, while Janey was pretty much the living
definition of a Type A/control freak personality. Every once in a while, however, she’d say or do something – just a silly little thing – and he’d see the real her. When she
wasn’t
trying
to be cool, Ben thought, Janey was pretty cool.
But it wasn’t enough. It made him feel like shit, but when he was with Janey there was something missing: a hole. He knew, and had known all along, that the relationship wasn’t going
to last. If only he’d had the balls to tell her that in the first place. If only he hadn’t kissed Katie. He’d made such a mess of everything, and now he had to clean it up. He
would
not
be his father.
Ben jammed his phone back in the pocket of his rented tux and raced across the coast road to the cliff path. A speeding cabby honked his horn as Ben crossed, even though he was nowhere near the
vehicle. Ben screamed a curse at the taxi driver, but it didn’t make him feel any better.
Janey lived opposite the kiosk and children’s play area that overlooked the sea. It was a beautiful summer night – so balmy it almost felt like being abroad – and he became
more convinced of his beach theory. He ran across the middle of the play area and heard voices. ‘Janey?’ he called, before realising the voices were mainly male. One of them he
recognised as belonging to Kyle Norton, who apparently hadn’t found Ryan’s doorstep deposit yet. God, those pranks felt like a million years ago.
Kyle was drinking on the clifftop benches with what looked like the arty music crowd. Roxanne and Callum were engaged in a noisy public display of affection on a picnic table, with Rox moaning
and groaning like a bad porn star.
Ben looked around, but Janey wasn’t with them. ‘Hey,’ he said. ‘Has anyone seen Janey?’
‘Ooh, look who’s turned up.’ Roxanne pulled out of the kiss, her red lips smudged. ‘It’s notorious love rat, Ben Murdoch.’
‘Dude!’ said Callum. ‘You are a DOG!’
Ben sighed. ‘Can we not do this right now, please? Also, Callum, you cheated on Alisha, you tool.’ Alisha Cole deserved ten times better than this cocky, greasy-haired turd.
That knocked the smirk off Roxanne’s face. ‘Gotta say, I’m impressed,’ she snarled. ‘Didn’t think you had it in you, Benji. Quite the player!’
‘I’m not . . . I didn’t. You don’t know what you’re talking about, Roxanne.’
‘Are you looking for her so you can beg her to take you back?’ Roxanne asked in a sing-song voice. ‘I warned her about you. I said you were still in love with Katie, but, oh,
no, Janey knows best!’
Ben counted to five. Dear God, the next time Alisha wanted to punch this girl he’d be buying front-row seats. ‘Look. Have you seen her, or not?’
‘I have not.’ Roxanne smiled sweetly – the smile that, infuriatingly, seemed to convince teachers she wasn’t the spawn of Satan. ‘We only just got here from the
ball.’
Damn. He looked over the edge of the cliff. All that waited at the bottom was the surf creeping over the shingle. ‘Thanks for nothing.’
‘PHOTO!’ screamed Kyle, waving his camera phone. Roxanne and Callum struck a pose.
‘Do I look sexy?’ Roxanne pouted. Ben rolled his eyes.
‘I’ll do another, wait a sec . . . Say “cheese”, bitches!’ This time another couple leapt into frame and much cackling and screaming ensued.
Ben walked away. He aimed for the cliff stairs, the worn zigzag pathway that led all the way down to the beach. He held on to the rusty rail which felt tacky on his skin, like the sea salt was
clinging to the iron. He was thinking about that when he saw her.
She was further down the coast, next to the Overlook Hotel – just a red speck in the darkness, at the very, very edge of the drop. Janey had been wearing red. He prayed it wasn’t
her. He prayed it was a plastic bag caught in the bushes . . . but he knew it wasn’t.
He charged back up the cliff stairs, vaulting over the rails and onto the coastal walk which led all the way along the top of the cliffs. Some of the vintage deco lamps were broken, but they
gave enough light for him to be able to make out a female form standing at the very edge of the rocks.
There’s no way she’d be so stupid
, he thought as he began to pant.
She wouldn’t, would she?
Maybe she would. This was his fault.
He’d
done
this. He ran faster, his feet pounding the tarmac. It was a long time since he’d played any sort of sport and his chest burned, desperate for air. Flashes of pain shot up his shins, his legs
unused to the punishment.
Oh, God, she was going to jump.
She swayed backwards and forwards, like she was being charmed over the edge by the lull of the wind. Her scarlet dress swished around her legs; her hair
fluttered like a veil across her face.
No, no, no! Oh, God, no!
He’d never meant for this to happen. He just wanted everyone to get out of this town, this
situation
,
unscathed. Ben wished he’d never kissed Katie, or that he’d never agreed to date Janey, or that he’d just never even been born.
He wasn’t religious, but he suddenly got back in touch with God and pleaded.
I’ll do anything
, he thought
. I’ll go to church every single weekend. Just, please,
stop her.
Clutching the railing, he bent over, gasping for air. He couldn’t go on. ‘Janey . . .’ he tried to cry out, but his chest was too tight. He leaned back, trying to haul as much
air into his lungs as he could. He had to stop Janey. His calves and thighs were jelly, but he forced them on, ignoring the pain.
He was getting closer. He could see Janey’s creamy-white skin behind her hair. He could see black tracks running down her cheeks where her make-up had been smudged by tears. He could see
that she still wept, though her body was statue-still. At least she didn’t seem to be in a hurry, weighing up the vast drop before her.
But she wasn’t safe. Her feet were right on the very edge. ‘Janey!’ Ben called. She didn’t seem to hear him. A sob shook his body. If she died, it would be all his
fault.
He reached the hotel car park. He was almost there. Janey momentarily vanished from view, blocked by the building. ‘Janey!’ He stumbled onto the lawns, almost tripping over his own
feet. His girlfriend was now crouching on the grass, her skirts spilling around her.
Janey finally heard him. She turned, the wind whipping her hair off her face. He’d never seen her so beautiful: the dress, the hair, her pale skin. She was so raw and wild. Her eyes burned
with rage and hate.
‘Who’s there?’ She wiped her nose on the back of her hand. Fumbling with her gown and unsteady on her heels, Janey rose to her feet. She scanned the plateau, worry creasing her
brow.
Ben realised he was standing in the shadows and she couldn’t see him. He stumbled forwards.
Janey squinted in his direction. ‘I said, who’s there?’
Ben staggered out of the shadows. He was sure it couldn’t be healthy for his heart to be racing like this, but he’d got to her in time.
Janey’s face fell. ‘Oh, it’s you. Don’t come anywhere near me, I mean it. I don’t want to talk to you.’ That said, Ben saw a look of satisfaction in her eyes.
She’d been waiting on his arrival, banking on him following her. This was his punishment. She took a step backwards, her heel only inches from the very edge of the cliff.
He reached out towards her, offering her a hand away from the fall.
‘Stay away!’ she snapped.
‘Janey, please.’ He coughed, clearing his throat. ‘What are you doing?’
‘What does it bloody look like?’
‘You do
not
want to kill yourself.’
‘How do you know? Do you know what this feels like? Has anyone ever ripped your heart out?’ she shrieked over the howling wind.
Yes,
Ben thought,
Katie ripped my heart out when she ended things last year.
It had hurt like hell, but he’d got over it and even saw, now, that it had been the right
decision. He held his hands up in surrender.
‘Just piss off, Ben! Don’t come any nearer,’ Janey snapped.
From nowhere, an angry gust of wind rolled in off the sea, making Janey sway. ‘For crying out loud, look at yourself!’ Ben screamed. ‘You’ve proved your point.
You’ve got my attention.’
‘Do you think I won’t jump?’ she demanded.
‘No, I don’t, so come away from the bloody edge!
Please!
’ He held out his hand again. Ben had never loved heights. He felt queasy even this close to where the land
ended. Nevertheless he inched closer, moving gingerly, as though he were trying to charm a cobra.
‘Why did you even come, Ben?’ Janey sobbed.
‘To make sure you were OK. I’ve been looking for you for hours. Isn’t that what you wanted? Haven’t you been
waiting
for me to show up?’
Janey glowered in defiance. She actually took a step
towards
thin air. Ben held his breath lest he accidentally blow her off the cliff. ‘Do you love me?’ she asked.
‘Yes!’ he yelped.
‘Tell me the truth, Ben. Do. You. Love. Me?’
Ben paused. This was the time to
not
be his father. It was time to do something his dad had never done: man up and be honest. ‘Not like that.’
‘WHAT? Do you love
her
?’ Janey said the last word like it was poisonous.
‘Not like that,’ Ben repeated.
‘What?’ Janey asked, eyes wild.
‘I really don’t know, Janey. My head is a mess. I shouldn’t have—’
‘You shouldn’t have
what
?’ Janey interrupted. ‘Shagged your ex?’
‘I didn’t . . . we didn’t. It was just a kiss. It was a mistake.’
That seemed to soften her slightly. Ben could swear he saw her feet move a fraction closer to him.
‘I should never have said yes when you asked me out,’ he confessed. ‘You know I’m right. I was properly on the rebound. You knew that, too. You did. I thought I
needed
a girlfriend in my life, but I don’t think I did. I needed
friends.
’
She didn’t deny it. She looked out over the sea. It was in the quiet moments like this that Janey was truly beautiful. ‘I don’t know what to say,’ she wiped a tear away.
‘You made me look so stupid.’
‘I am so sorry. I never wanted you to find out like this. I just wanted to go to Cambridge, make a new start. I need to be single, I think. I’ve been dating since I was fourteen
years old. I need time to
think
.’
All the anger ebbed out of Janey. Ben was right and she knew he was right. They had been an error. She nodded. ‘I’m sorry, too,’ she said.