Cutler 3 - Twilight's Child (11 page)

"Oh, she's beautiful," Trisha said after I introduced them. Christie's eyes brightened instantly. I was afraid she had inherited some of Mother's vanity, as well as her father's. She behaved coyly for a few moments, pretending to be shy, but watching Trisha out of the corner of her eye, waiting to be coaxed along. Then, as usual, she turned her charm on, smiling and eagerly accepting Trisha's hugs and kisses.

"She's darling," Trisha whispered. "And she has Michael's beautiful eyes," she said.

"I know."

It was the only mention either of us made of him the entire wedding weekend.

Afterward, we all went down to look for Jimmy, who was supervising the grounds people and working on the pool equipment. He and Trisha had a nice reunion. When we left him, she whispered in my ear how handsome and mature Jimmy had become.

"You're so lucky," she said as we started back into the hotel, Christie holding both our hands. "You have all this—a beautiful hotel, a handsome man who loves you and a beautiful child. And don't forget, you're still very talented. You can still do something with singing. Don't you feel lucky now?" she prodded when I remained silent. "Don't you feel that all the hardship and unhappiness is behind you?"

"Sometimes," I said. I looked back at Jimmy, who waved. "And sometimes I feel like I've just moved into the eye of a storm. It's calm, beguiling, deceptive. For no reason I can think of, my heart begins to pound, and I feel dizzy, frightened. I wish I could freeze the moment like a camera snapping a photograph and lock us forever and ever in today."

Trisha stared at me a moment, her eyes fixed curiously on mine. Then her smile returned.

"That's just because you had such a hard life before. You can't believe your good luck. It's just natural," she insisted. "Is it? I hope so, Trish," I said. "I hope so."

She hugged me for reassurance, and we went in to complete the preparations for my big day.

The day before my wedding we rehearsed the ceremony. Philip returned from college that morning. He was in charge of looking after Randolph and being sure he was where he was supposed to be. Mother took command almost the moment the minister arrived. She choreographed everyone's movements: when this one would come in from there, who should hold whose hand and where and how we should all stand. Randolph fidgeted terribly the entire time and was relieved when he was finally excused and could go back to his "critical work. Mother sighed deeply to let everyone know how difficult things were for her with Randolph behaving this way. Naturally, his behavior upset her so much that she had to retreat to her bedroom to rest and prepare for the actual wedding.

I awoke very early the next morning, even before the sun had risen, but I lay in bed staring up at the ceiling. Because of the significance of the day, a mixture of some of the saddest and happiest moments of my life flashed before me. I couldn't help but recall Momma Longchamp brushing my hair when I was just a little girl and describing her dreams and hopes for me. She imagined I would grow up to be a beautiful woman and would eventually win the heart of a prince.

"You'll live in a beautiful place and have an army of servants just waitin' on your every beck and call," she said, and in the mirror I could see her tilt her head and gaze at me, her eyes twinkling with sugar.

And then I remembered her pale and sickly face, her eyes a dull silver like old dimes, and filled with trepidation the last time I had seen her alive in the hospital. I could still feel her hand clutching mine. I could still hear and see Jimmy sobbing. Daddy Longchamp's gray face rose out of the darkness behind my closed lids, all the pain of sorrow in his dark eyes.

I swallowed back my own sobs and felt my eyes fill with tears. Today I was getting married, and even though my real mother had done so much to prepare an elegant and fancy affair, I longed for Momma and Daddy Longchamp and wished that somehow they could be at my side. To me it was as if I were being married without my parents present. Randolph was a pathetic soul, hardly a father figure, and Mother . . . well, for Mother, this was as much her party as it was my wedding.

Despite my reluctance to do so, I couldn't help but think about Michael and about the wonderful, romantic times we had in his apartment in New York. That was when he had made all sorts of promises to me, when we had planned our own storybook wedding, when he had filled my eyes with visions of glamour and excitement—a wedding ceremony attended by all sorts of celebrities and covered by the newspapers and magazines, a honeymoon on the French Riviera, a chalet in Switzerland, cruises, parties on yachts and a triumphant return to the stage, singing our hearts and souls out to each other in a way that would make us both superstars.

All of that popped out of my mind like a soap bubble. If it wasn't for Christie, I would try to convince myself none of it had actually happened.

But it had happened, as well as all the horror I endured during my pregnancy at The Meadows. I couldn't erase it from my mind like some words scribbled in pencil. The events, the pain and suffering, the tears and the laughter, the heartbreak and the relief, all mingled together to form a potpourri of memories I would drag with me forever and ever.

These depressing thoughts drifted from my mind as the early rays of sunlight found the openings in my window drapes and began to brighten the room with new warmth and hope. I heard Christie stir in her crib. A few moments later she was whispering her baby gibberish to herself as she lifted the curtain of sleep from her eyes and began a new day of discovery. Just thinking about the wonder and astonishment that would be revealed in her face when she was dressed and brought to my wedding made me smile in anticipation.

I rose from my bed and went to her. She looked up, surprised because she sensed how early it was. I took her in my arms and kissed her and brought her to the window, where I opened the curtains wide so we could look out on what was beginning to be a glorious late-spring day. She was as fascinated as I was by the way the darkness and the shadows retreated from the rising sun. Small clouds, like puffs of smoke, seemed to emerge from the blue sky behind and around them. Everywhere birds were coming to life, rising from their nests and branches to greet the warm morning and begin their efforts to find food.

"Isn't it a beautiful morning, Christie? A beautiful day for Momma to gap-lathed," I said. The sun shone through the window, casting diamond strands of light on her hair. She turned to me inquisitively, as if she really understood what I was saying. Then she focused her blue eyes on the scene still unfolding below us, and her little lips folded into an angelic smile, making her look like a cherub. I kissed her cheeks and decided since we were already up, we might as well get started.

Sissy arrived to help with the baby, and then Mrs. Boston brought me a breakfast tray. The first thing Mrs. Boston did was whisper to me about Mother.

"I got up in the middle of the night," she told me, "as is my habit these days, and I caught sight of this light on. So I went to see what it was, and that's when I saw her. It was easily four o'clock in the morning!"

"What was she doing?" I asked, amazed.

"She was already up and fixing herself at her vanity mirror. I didn't let her see me looking in on her. Maybe she just got confused about the time, with all the excitement and everything," Mrs. Boston added, shaking her head. But nothing Mother did at this point really surprised me.

A little while later Trisha arrived to help me prepare myself. Sissy dressed Christie and took her away so we wouldn't be distracted.

"Nervous?" Trisha asked.

"You mean because my fingers are trembling and I don't dare put the lipstick to my lips?" I replied, laughing. She helped me brush and style my hair. Mother looked in on us just before she was about to go down to begin greeting the guests. I had to confess she looked very, very beautiful.

She wore a strapless off-white satin gown with a lace bodice lined with pearls. Over her shoulders she wore a sheer shawl, and around her neck she wore her thickest diamond necklace. Matching teardrop earrings dangled from her lobes. On her left wrist she had her thick gold bracelet studded with emeralds and diamonds and rubies, a bracelet she once bragged was worth half as much as the hotel.

"You look beautiful, Mother," I said.

"Yes, Mrs. Cutler. You do," Trisha chorused.

"Thank you, girls. I just came by to wish you good luck and to see if there is anything you need, Dawn. After this I will be very busy," she said.

"No, we're fine, Mother. Thank you for your good wishes," I said.

She flashed a smile and left, eager to take her position as queen of the hotel.

Jimmy surprised me with his adherence to tradition and refused to see me or let me see him until we saw each other in the chapel. "We've had enough bad luck to last a lifetime," he had told me. "I'm not doing anything to bring about any more."

I was shaking so much when Trisha and I took our positions to wait for the start of the music that I was positive I would trip and fall on my journey to the altar. Philip brought Randolph in only moments before the music began. Both of them wore tuxedos. Philip's fit perfectly, and he looked very handsome, but Randolph's illustrated just how much weight he had actually lost. The jacket seemed to float around him, and his pants looked rather baggy. Philip had managed to get him to have his hair trimmed and his face cleanly shaven. He did smile and look excited, but moments later he was fidgeting again and appearing very distracted. I noticed how he kept whispering in Philip's ear.

"Is he all right?" I asked.

"Yes, yes, don't worry," Philip said. "He'll do his small part okay," he assured me. "You never looked more beautiful, Dawn," Philip said. "Can I give you a good luck kiss now, before the rush?" he asked.

"Yes, Philip."

His eyes brightened, and he leaned forward to kiss me on the lips, but I turned my cheek to him. Disappointed, he planted a quick kiss there and pulled back.

"Good luck," he whispered.

"Thank you, Philip."

"I'd better get with the bridegroom. He looks like he's going to pass out any moment."

Randolph appeared to panic for a moment after Philip left, but I took his hand, and he smiled at me.

"It's a big day, big day," he said. "The hotel's just buzzing with activity. Mother's always been best when she's under pressure," he assured me, patting my hand.

Trisha and I exchanged worried glances, but thankfully, before any more could be said, the music started, and we began our march.

Jimmy looked so handsome waiting for me at the altar. As I drew closer and closer to him his eyes brightened. No one will ever love me as much as Jimmy does, as much as Jimmy always did, I thought. I'm so lucky to have him.

I was so terrified of doing something clumsy, I barely glanced from side to side, but I did catch glimpses of some of the guests. I recognized the faces of many of the dignitaries from the area and their wives, people I had met at different formal occasions. I saw Mr. and Mrs. Updike and Mr. and Mrs. Dorfman seated together, the men smiling, the women studying everything intently. Some looked very disapprovingly at me, I thought. They made me feel like an intruder, like a poor girl who had put on a rich girl's clothes and assumed a rich girl's identity and life.

I saw my mother flashing her smile at everyone, her jewelry sparkling on her soft-looking neck and perfect skin. Mr. Alcott was standing beside her and gazing warmly at me. He looked very dapper in his stylish tuxedo with a carnation in the lapel. Across the aisle Sissy held Christie in her arms. She looked darling in her white dress with the crinoline insert. Her golden hair was brushed softly and looked radiant. She stared intently, drinking in everything, fascinated with the scene taking place before her. Her eyes brightened with wonder the moment she saw me.

Here and there I caught sight of some of the hotel's department heads and their wives. Their smiles seemed more sincere.

I took my place beside Jimmy. His hand slipped around mine, giving me support. The minister began with a short prayer, giving thanks for this wonderful occasion. My heart began to thump like a drum. I was sure everyone in the chapel could hear it beating in my chest every time the minister paused and there was a moment of silence.

Finally he began, but just before he asked, "Who gives this woman to this man," Randolph leaned forward to whisper in my ear.

"I don't see Grandmother Cutler," he said. "Something must be detaining her. I'll be right back."

"What? No, Randolph." I turned to stop him, but he was already charging down the aisle. A murmur of amazement rippled through the congregation, and Mother looked as if she would faint. Bronson put his arm around her waist. The minister waited a moment and then looked at Mother. She said something to Bronson, and to my surprise and shock he stepped forward, nodding at the minister, who then said, "Who gives this woman to this man?"

"I do," Bronson Alcott replied. Once again there was a ripple of surprise in the audience, but the minister continued with the ceremony. Almost reluctantly, I thought, Philip gave Jimmy the ring to slip on my finger.

I looked into Jimmy's eyes when he was asked to repeat his words, but I was distracted by Philip because I saw Philip's lips move, too. He was mouthing the oath: "To have and to hold, in sickness and in health . . ." It was as if he thought he was marrying me through Jimmy. He, too, mouthed, "I do." I was so shaken by it that for a moment I lost my wits and didn't hear the minister ask me to repeat my vows. But I got hold of myself, slipped his ring on his finger, and concentrated on Jimmy's eyes as I said the words that would link us together forever and ever, "Till death do us part."