Authors: Amber Garza
I guess we hurt Bentley more than we thought. And I know the guy totally deserved it, but I feel a little guilty. I mean, I just wanted to rough him up, to teach him a lesson. I didn’t want to land the dude in the hospital. And the last thing I wanted to do was bring Piper into it.
She’d been suspicious the last couple of day as it is. We’re so in tune to one another. It’s one of the things I love about our relationship. However, this week it had been tough. The shift in my behavior had alarmed her. No matter how hard I tried to pretend that nothing had happened, that nothing had changed, she sensed that it had. I could see it in her sidelong glances, in her pensive expressions. She even started becoming a little more distant, and that destroyed me.
But when I showed up at her house this afternoon I knew it was more than mere suspicion. She knew something. I could tell by her demeanor. Usually when she opened the door to me her face lit up, her lips curving into a smile. But not today. Today her eyes darkened, her smile forced. It cut to my heart.
I asked her what was wrong and she responded with something like, “Why don’t you tell me?” But I didn’t tell her. I played dumb. It wasn’t like I was going to spill what we’d done to Bentley. What if that wasn’t what she knew about? However, now I wish I had come clean. By keeping it a secret I had violated her trust, which I never wanted to do. And I could tell by her reaction that I had done irreparable damage.
She’d stomped away from me, and I had to chase her. When I grabbed her around the middle she whacked my hands away, telling me not to touch her. It hurt worse than anything she’d ever said or done to me. My touch should comfort her, please her, not harm her or repulse her. Feeling defeated, I asked her what was going on.
That’s when she finally came clean. She said that her parents received a call from the Cherry Wood Police Department. Bentley was in the hospital, beaten so badly he wasn’t even responding to anyone. But his family suspected that Piper had instigated the attack on him. Obviously she had an alibi for the night he was attacked. She was here with her mom. Still she worried that wouldn’t be enough, and she’d be drawn back into that situation again.
I felt terrible that she was being dragged into this. It was never my intention. Then again, I hadn’t spent a lot of time thinking through the repercussions of my actions. It was an impulsive decision, made in a moment of anger, fueled by a sick need for revenge. I thought I was helping Piper, but now it seemed I’d hurt her.
Then she looked me right in the eyes and asked me if I had anything to do with it. I wanted to deny it, to tell her I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. But I knew she’d see right through my lie. I’d already screwed up so much, I couldn’t afford to screw up anymore. Not if I still wanted Piper in my life. And I did. Desperately.
So I told her the truth – that the guys and I drove to Cherry Wood and attacked Bentley. She was more upset than I’d ever seen her. She screamed at me, she cried, she even swatted at me a few times. But I let her. I didn’t even try to stop her. And I didn’t defend myself. I deserved her wrath. Not only that, but I welcomed it. What I’d done was stupid and reckless, and I’d brought Piper’s past right to her doorstep. A past she’d run away from. A past she’d trusted me with.
God, I so didn’t deserve her.
And that’s what I told her when she’d finished. I groveled. I apologized. I told her I loved her. And then I told her I would understand if she never wanted to see me again, that I didn’t deserve her.
I prayed she wouldn’t agree, but I worried that she would. As I waited for her response, I held my breath. Finally she softened. Her shoulders dropped, her mouth loosened, her eyes crinkled at the corners. The fight withered inside her, and she looked more like her normal self. She walked toward me and reached out one arm. Her fingers touched my face, her fingers trailing over my stubble, her palm curving around my cheek. Then she told me that she understood why I did it.
And then she apologized for being so mad before. She explained that she was just scared, and that she didn’t want to have to face anyone from Cherry Wood again.
Once more I told her I was sorry. But she silenced my words with her mouth, kissing me firmly. More firmly than she’d ever kissed me before. Her kiss was different today. It was more passionate, more certain. It surprised me.
When our lips parted she whispered “Thank you” against my mouth. I asked her for what, and she said, for being the first person who’s ever fought for her.
And I told her that I’d fight for her until my very last breath.
When the detective arrived he introduced himself as Detective Pepper. I wanted to laugh at the name that immediately reminded me of my childhood dog, but nothing about him elicited humor. His expression was hard, his stance all business, his mannerisms unwelcoming.
If I thought Mr. Roth’s questions were tough, it was only because I hadn’t met Detective Pepper yet. Even when Mr. Roth was being hard on me, I detected a tenderness underneath his words. There was no such tenderness with Detective Pepper. It was clear after the first few questions that he’d already made up his mind about me. I was guilty in his eyes no matter what I said.
This should have made me feel hopeless, but oddly enough it only made me want to fight harder. I knew I didn’t hurt Jackson, and I’d do everything in my power to prove it. As Detective Pepper interrogated me, Mom and Mr. Roth both sat in the room. I drew strength from their presence. Mom and I had never been particularly close, but I appreciated her quiet support. I was grateful for the way she held her head high as I spoke. She hadn’t wavered yet, and I found myself both surprised and in awe of her determination. I felt bad for always seeing her as weak in the past. Clearly when the moment required it, she was capable of stepping up.
If only I could say the same for my dad.
“I understand you and Jackson hadn’t been getting along well in the weeks leading up to his death,” Detective Pepper said.
My stomach clenched.
Who told him that?
It was true, but not many people knew about it. However, I imagined that the police had interviewed Jackson’s friends and family. All of them would be more than happy to share about our recent troubles.
I nodded. There was no sense in denying it. “Things had been a little strained between us.”
“Why? What happened?” he asked.
Things were never the same between us after he beat up Bentley. It’s funny because I had never loved him more. Sure, I wasn’t happy about the police in Cherry Wood suspecting me of being involved. That part sucked. But the fact that Jackson loved me enough to fight for me meant everything. No one else in my life had been willing to do that for me.
But Jackson wasn’t the same person anymore. I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what had changed. He was still witty and charming. He was still tender and sweet. But there was this sense of shame and self-loathing just beneath the surface. And for some reason he’d become even more possessive and jealous than he’d been before.
I didn’t quite understand it. I worried sometimes that maybe he regretted what he’d done. Or that he thought I owed him something now.
So one day as we sat out on the quad during lunch period, I asked him about it. It was a cold day, and it had been raining slightly earlier, o there was a thin layer of rain on the grass. It seeped into my pants, and I shivered.
“Why don’t we sit inside today?” he asked before taking a sip from his bottled water.
I knew what he meant by sit inside. He meant sit with his friends. Every once in awhile, if it was raining or too cold to be out here, we would. Jackson would come to life around his friends, but I hated every minute of it. And he could tell. That’s why we rarely ever sat with them. But sometimes I wondered if it bothered him. If he wished we could sit with them every day.
“No, I’m fine.” Maybe I should have given in, but I wanted Jackson all to myself. I didn’t feel like sharing him with anyone.
“Okay.” He reached into his brown paper bag and pulled out a sandwich. As he unwrapped it, I saw the look of disdain on his face.
My stomach knotted, and I wondered if he regretted going out with me. I wondered if he wished he could go back in time and stick to his friends and the life he’d had before. “You can go inside and sit with your friends if you want. You don’t have to stay out here with me if you don’t want to, you know?” The words were difficult to say. I mean, what if he took me up on it? What then?
He lifted his head. “I’m right where I want to be. You know that, Piper.”
It would have been easy to take his words and hold them close. To cling to them, allow them to germinate, but I needed to know. “Do you ever wish you’d never met me?”
His eyes widened. “Never,” he said firmly, reaching for me with his free hand. His fingers were warm against the skin of my wrist when he touched me. “The day I met you was the best day of my life. Why would you ask that?”
“It’s just that everything has changed for you since we got together, and I worry sometimes, you know?”
“Worry about what?”
“That one day you’ll realize that I’m not worth it. That you’ve compromised who you are for someone unworthy.”
Jackson scooted closer to me. “That will never happen, because it’s a lie. You are worthy. God, Piper, you are so worthy.” He dropped his sandwich on the ground and brought both hands up to frame my face. “I never want to hear you say that again, you hear me?”
I nodded.
“You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met.”
Tears pricked at the corner of my eyes. “Thank you,” I breathed out.
His lips gently fanned over mine. “There’s nothing to thank me for,” he spoke against my lips.
I smiled. “That won’t stop me from saying it.” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a flash of blue. My eyes dragged in the direction of it, and I spotted Shane glancing over at us. He’d recently died his Mohawk bright blue. You couldn’t miss him now. He flashed me a wave, and I smiled at him. When Jackson noticed, he pulled back from me, a scowl on his face.
“What?” I asked, cursing myself for ruining our perfect moment. They seemed so few lately.
Jackson shook his head. “I’m just tired of that guy always butting in.”
My brows knit together in confusion. “What are you talking about? He doesn’t butt in. He just happened to walk past.”
“Yeah.” Jackson snorted. “Ever notice how he always just happens to walk past when we’re together?”
“He does not,” I said defensively.
“I can’t believe how blind you are to this.” He flashed me an incredulous look.
“Blind to what?”
“He clearly has a thing for you, and you keep encouraging it. I’ve let it go for awhile, but it’s kind of starting to piss me off.”
I chuckled. “You think Shane likes me?”
Jackson’s expression hardened. “Why is that funny?”
I bit my lip, remembering my promise to Shane. But then I stared into Jackson’s eyes, and I knew I had to tell him. He had a right to know. Besides, it’s not like Shane would ever find out I told him. He never talked to Jackson. I sighed. “You can’t tell anyone this, Jackson, but Shane doesn’t like me. He actually doesn’t like girls at all.”
Jackson recoiled, stunned. “No shit? Shane’s gay?”
Glancing around, I shushed him. “Keep your voice down. He doesn’t want anyone to know. He said this town isn’t exactly welcoming to gay people, and his parents are totally against it.”
Jackson nodded. “Okay. I get it.”
“So we’re okay?” I asked.
“We’re always okay, baby.” He winked, and I found myself wishing that were true. There was a time when it was. I longed for that time with all I had. Maybe now that Jackson knew the truth about Shane and he’d gotten revenge on Bentley, things could finally go back to the way they were.
“We hung out every once in awhile. Just not all the time like we used to,” I finally answered the detective’s question. I wanted to lie, but thought I should be honest about this.
“How often did you hang out?” he asked.
I shrugged. “Not often. Just a few times.”
“Why don’t you tell me about those times,” he pressed.
Racking my brain, I tried to think about which time I should tell him about. I certainly didn’t want to share about the last time I saw him, or the time we went to Bentley’s. What other times were there? “Oh, we hung out a little at Senior Ball.” The words were out before I could filter them. Once they were out, I wished I could shove them back in. Senior ball wasn’t a night I wanted to remember. Nothing horrible happened at the dance, but it was the night that started it all. That night acted as a catalyst to this whole mess.
“This dance is lame.” Zach sidled up next to me, tugging on the collar of his white shirt. The music was so loud I could barely hear him. It was dark except for the colored lights flashing from up on the stage. They painted stripes on Zach’s skin. I glanced over at Tanya who stood in a circle with her friends giggling.
“Well, maybe you shouldn’t have brought Tanya as your date. That chick is seriously annoying.”
He shrugged. “At least I’m guaranteed to get laid. You’ll be lucky to get a kiss out of Farrah.”
I frowned. He was right. Farrah hadn’t even wanted to dance with me. I swear the only reason she said yes was because no one else had asked her. The sucky part was that I kind of liked her. Not that I’d admit it to anyone. Especially not now.
“Oh, look. There’s Jackson.” Zach nodded his head toward Jackson and Piper entering through the double doors. She wore a short, tight black dress and her red hair was curled. It cascaded down her shoulders. Honestly she looked kind of hot. Zach nudged me with his elbow. “Damn, she cleaned up nice.”
I nodded.
“Now I kind of see why Jackson’s so into her.” He smiled in a perverted way. “Besides, I hear ginger’s are wild during sex.”
I shook my head. Only Zach would say stuff like that about his friend’s girl. Jackson and Piper headed out on the dance floor. She held on to him tightly, resting her head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and swayed back and forth.
“What the hell are they doing?” Zach asked.
“No idea,” I said. It was a fast song, but Piper and Jackson were behaving like it was some slow ballad. Then again, in my opinion everything about their relationship was weird.
Tanya and Farrah sashayed in our direction. Farrah appeared bored, but Tanya had a predatory look in her eyes. When she reached Zach, she draped her arms over his shoulders, leaned in close and batted her eyelashes.
“Let’s dance.” She yanked him forward.
But he held his ground. “Babe, you know I don’t dance.”
I snorted, having been witness to Zach’s horrendous dancing skills once before. It was the night Jackson, Zach and I raided my mom’s liquor cabinet. Then we hung out in my room listening to music. At some point Zach jumped up and started dancing. We laughed so hard, I feared we would wake up my mom.
Zach shot me a warning look, and I pressed my lips together, sobering up.
“Then we can dance slow,” Tanya said, her gaze landing on Jackson and Piper. “Like they are.”
Ah, I saw what was happening. This was about making Jackson jealous. I was sure Zach saw through it too, but he just smiled at Tanya. “As long as you make it worth my while, I’ll slow dance all damn night.”
“Oh, I’ll make it worth your while,” Tanya purred.
I rolled my eyes, my stomach souring. Once they were gone, I turned to Farrah. “So, what about you? Interested in a dance?”
“Nah.” She sighed, glancing around the room. “But I’m kind of thirsty.”
Taking the hint, I said, “All right. I’ll get you some punch.” As I headed toward it, I found myself wishing the punch was spiked. Anything to liven up this party. God, I never thought I’d say this, but I was sort of jealous of Zach. At least he was getting some action. Tanya was practically shoving her tongue down his throat as they danced. Even if it was all just a way to make Jackson jealous, it was still better than enduring the cold shoulder all night. As I poured Farrah a plastic cup filled with bright red punch, I saw Shane and his friends entering the dance. Those guys always made my skin crawl. They were such freaks. I carried the cup back to Farrah and handed it to her. She mumbled a thank you and then sipped it.
“Hey, guys.” Jackson appeared in front of us.
“Hey, Jackson.” Farrah smiled. It was the most animated I’d seen her all night. I felt a pinch of jealousy.
Zach and Tanya joined us. We all made small talk for a few minutes, but then Tanya pulled Farrah away. Apparently she was having some hair emergency that she needed help with in the bathroom or some shit like that. I didn’t even care at this point. This whole night was a disaster.
“Where’s Piper?” I asked, realizing she was nowhere to be found.
“Oh.” Jackson scratched the back of his neck. “She’s dancing with Shane.”
Surprised, I raised a brow.
“Since when are you okay with your girl dancing with another guy?” Zach asked the question I had been thinking.
I mean, I was there when he beat up that guy in Cherry Wood. I’d never seen anyone so angry. When it came to Piper, Jackson was pretty damn possessive.
“I’ve matured, man. Maybe you should try it,” Jackson said with a smile.
“Yeah, right,” Zach responded. “What’s really going on?”
“Nothing.” Jackson’s expression grew serious. “It’s not a big deal. He’s just her friend.”
Something was off. I could tell by Zach’s expression that he could sense it too.
“You’re full of shit, man,” Zach said. “So what’s the deal? You over Piper or what?”
“No. I’m not over her.” Jackson’s jaw clenched.
I gazed into the crowd of people dancing and spotted Piper with Shane. He had his arms around her waist and her hands were on his shoulders. They were smiling and talking. There was no way in hell Jackson was okay with this. Something wasn’t right.
“So you two have like an open relationship now or something?” I joked.
When Jackson turned to me, I regretted it. He looked pissed. “No way. I’d never share my girl. Anyone touches her, and I’ll kill them. You know that.”
“All right.” Zach hit his fist into the palm of his hand. “Then let’s do this. I’ve always wanted to beat up that freak anyway. Something about him has always bugged me. Besides, this dance is so boring I want to hang myself.” He stepped forward, his eyes on Shane. My stomach tightened. Shit. Why did spending time with these two always end in violence lately?
Jackson held out his arm. “No. We’re not beating him up.”
“But you just said you’d kill anyone who touched your girl.” Zach stared at Piper and Shane. “And he sure as hell is touching your girl. He’s got his hands all over her. If you’re too much of a pussy to do something about this, I will.”
“No, you won’t,” Jackson spoke firmly.
Why was he so hell bent on defending Shane? I couldn’t figure it out.
“He’s making a damn fool out of you,” Zach shot back. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
“It’s not what it looks like, okay?” Jackson ran a hand over his head.
“You have two seconds to tell me what’s going on or I’m going to go over there and find out for myself,” Zach growled.
Jackson sighed, peering over at Piper and Shane. Then he moved in close to us. “Fine, but you can’t say anything to anyone.”
Zach and I both nodded.
“Shane’s gay, all right. So that’s why I don’t care if he dances with Piper, because it doesn’t mean shit. They’re just friends.”
Zach recoiled. “He’s gay? As in he does guys? That’s messed up, man.”
I shook my head, wishing Jackson never told us. Zach was a major homophobe, and he already hated Shane. Didn’t Jackson know that?
“Don’t worry, man.” Jackson swatted Zach good naturedly in the shoulder. “You’re not his type. Now, if you go dye your hair blue, you might have to worry.” He chuckled.
But Zach didn’t even crack a smile. He just kept staring at Shane, a determined look on his face. My stomach coiled into tiny knots. I knew what that look was, and I knew whatever happened next, it wouldn’t be good.
Eventually Jackson returned to Piper, Zach danced with Tanya and I actually got Farrah to dance with me once. She didn’t nestle into my chest or let me kiss her or anything, but at least I got to hold her. It was something, right?
After we danced, Zach intercepted me. “C’mon. Time to have a little fun.”
I furrowed my brows. Wasn’t he already having fun? I saw him making out with Tanya just minutes earlier. But when my eyes met his, I could tell he was talking about a different kind of fun. I wanted to tell him to screw off, but I knew I’d never do that. Telling Zach no was a surefire way to get myself cut off from this group. And then who would I hang out with? I couldn’t even stomach the thought. So I nodded and followed him. My apprehension bloomed into full–blown dread when we reached the bathroom.
Zach pushed open the door and stepped inside. Once we were both inside, he turned the lock. What the hell? A toilet flushed, and I raised a brow. Shane stepped out of the stall, his blue Mohawk even brighter in here. Zach’s eyes danced with excitement. What was he planning?
He stepped toward Shane, a sick smile on his face. “Hey, buddy.”
Buddy? I’d never heard Zach use that word before. Shane looked equally confused as he stepped around Zach toward the sink. He turned on the faucet and put his hands under the running water. Zach came up behind him, thrusting his hips forward in a derogatory way.
Shane snapped off the water and whirled around. “What the hell?”
“What? You don’t like it?” Zach moved toward him. “I thought that was your thing, man.”
Shane’s eyes widened. “W-what?” He sputtered. “Who told you that?”
Zach chuckled. Someone tried to get into the bathroom. The knob turned, the door shook. Shane glanced over, fear on his features.
“Tyler and I were hoping to have a little fun. Weren’t we, Ty?”
I was actually hoping to get the hell out of here, but I nodded.
“What’s wrong? We’re not your type?” Zach asked.
“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Shane bolted toward the door, but Zach lunged forward, pinning him against the wall.
“Oh, you know exactly what we’re talking about, you gay freak.” Shoving him into the wall, Zach turned away. Then he calmly unlocked the door and stepped out of the bathroom. Before following him, I glanced at Shane. He was shaking, fear on his face. I tried not to let it get to me, but it did. I knew what it felt like to be picked on, to be teased just for being yourself. But I couldn’t afford to feel sorry for Shane. I had to worry about myself now.
I had hoped that Zach would let it go after the dance, but he didn’t. In fact, it’s safe to say his need to harass Shane grew with each passing day. Honestly, I couldn’t figure it out. Why did Zach care so much that Shane was gay? What did it matter to him? But for some reason he couldn’t let it go. Then again, I’d watched Zach bully kids for less. He seemed to derive pleasure from hurting others. I never wanted to be on the receiving end of it. That’s why I put up with him. And it’s why I felt lucky to have him as a friend, not an enemy.
One morning Zach spray painted the word HOMO on Shane’s locker. And every time he passed him in the halls he shoved him, called him a gay freak, or pretended to come on to him. Zach harassed him in the locker room before PE so badly that Shane had stopped dressing down the last few days. But it didn’t stop at school. Zach started to write nasty things on Shane’s Facebook wall. Even when Shane deleted his account, that didn’t stop Zach. He just started saying things about Shane on his own Facebook page. Pretty soon the whole school got in on it. Rumors were like that at our school. They spread like wildfire. And it didn’t matter what the person said to defend themselves. The rumor became truth. It was the same way when Piper got here. I still had no idea what had actually happened at her last school, but everyone at Red Blossom High really believed she had killed her ex-boyfriend.
Now, everyone believed that Shane was gay. Even though it was true, it made me feel bad. Clearly he’d wanted it to be a secret. But now everyone knew.
But even thought I felt bad, I never spoke up. I never tried to stop it.
And then one morning Shane didn’t show up to school. By lunchtime news had spread through the school that he’d committed suicide. There was speculation about why he’d done it, but I didn’t need to speculate. I knew exactly why he’d done it.
And I knew who was to blame.