I hadn’t made them suffer enough…
Faith sobbed and shook and I bent over her and over the table and held her from the waist up while the doctor made soothing noises and finished what he needed to do. I let the tears drip hot and salty slick down my own face and didn’t even try to wipe them or slow them. The doctor’s tone had said everything I’d needed it to and Faith didn’t need it up front and center any worse than it already was.
“Okay, Honey, we’re all done.” Doc murmured and he got up and went for the door, we exchanged a meaningful look and he gave me a nod and I helped my sister back into her cheap bargain store sweats someone had found her.
“Thank you for coming,” she said and it was as if she were completely drained, hollow, a husk… nothing more.
“Faith, I will always come for you, you’re my girl,” I said and we hugged. I kissed her forehead and Marlin stuck his head in.
“We gotta go,” he murmured. I nodded.
“Okay, I’ll come with you,” I said.
“No,” Faith shook her head, “I really needed you for this part but Marlin told me what’s coming, Sis; you don’t…
I
don’t want you there for that. I promise. I’ll call when it’s over.” I’d never seen such a look of sheer iron will and determination on Faith before. She had always been my little party girl. Had never taken life, school, her grades, any of it seriously until she’d graduated… and had nothing to do and nowhere to go and no scholarship like Char to get her to the next level.
She’d had to waitress, take community college courses, take out student loans and claw her way into college and I had done what I could to help her… not as much as I could have or should have, which was why she had sought cheaper off campus living… which is why she’d met Tonya, which was why this was my fault.
I always had to be such a fucking hard ass and look at us now.
“Okay,” I said finally and let Marlin take her from me. She seemed to have some kind of understanding with him. Which, that was fast, but who was I to bitch? I hadn’t exactly been there for her before, we’d had some knock down drag out screaming matches. Fuck. Fuck me.
“Faith, can I talk to your sister about your results and what needs to happen?” the doctor asked her.
She nodded, “Yeah sure. I just want to go lay down, get this started, get this over with.” My sister closed her eyes and swallowed and Marlin took her away from me, and I let her go. Against every single urge and raging desire I had to snatch her to me and never let her go again.
The doctor picked up his bag, and slung it across his chest and I followed him out. Nothing gave me a lingering look of concern as he closed Marlin and Faith into the back seat of his car but my last lingering look of longing and ache was all for my sister.
“Give you a ride somewhere?” Nothing asked.
“Nope. I’m good,” I said and closed it down.
“Hope…”
“Take them back to the house please, Nothing. Make sure my sister gets there safe and make sure Marlin knows I
need
him to take care of her. Please? I need Faith to be okay before I’m good to handle my own shit.”
Nothing nodded readily, “Yeah, no, you can count on us, Hope; you can count on all of us. Just take care of you, too.”
“Not worried about me, worried about my baby girl,” I sniffed and Nothing nodded.
“I’ll call you and the Captain later, report,” Marlin called from the back seat.
“Call me,” I said and he nodded, Nothing got behind the wheel and the doctor stood beside me as I watched them go.
“Why did you ask about pregnancy?” I asked when they were gone.
He sighed, “There’s scarring. Even if she got pregnant again she’d never be able to carry a baby to term… Those bastards really hurt your sister, I’m sorry.”
I just wished I’d killed more of them. I didn’t say that though. I wasn’t about to admit to murder out loud, even if he was cool with back alley dealings like this.
“What happens now?” I asked.
“I wait here for the clinic people to come back from lunch and they let me run your sister’s labs, Cutter has some kind of deal with them. We just wanted her to have as much privacy as possible. Far as anyone knows she’s Faith Andrews.”
“That’s right,” I agreed. My stepfucker’s name had never suited either of my sisters. Of course he’d never treated either of them like he’d treated me, and my mom and the girls never knew about that. I scrubbed my face with my hands.
“It’ll be a day or two for some of the tests, Cutter’s fronting a lot of money to get her tests to the front of the line. Should know everything by the end of next week. I’ll be here a day or two with Hayden and Reave. Cutter’s putting us up at a local B&B, away from your sister, but I’ll be on hand in case she needs another IV or methadone becomes imperative…” I kind of lost him after that. Tuned him out, while my brain wrapped around and around that name…
Hayden.
So that’s who she was. I faked my way through the rest of the conversation and totally whooped my own ass on the inside for having to make him repeat himself on some things. I mean fuck I was supposed to be here for my sister,
focused
on my sister… But I couldn’t help it. I had never in my life wanted anything more for myself than I wanted to try and forge something with Cutter.
I was so incredibly angry with myself. For allowing myself to be fooled into thinking that he could love me so easily, or that he would want only me… Gah… past insecurities, current events… they swamped me, rolled me under and drowned me. I was suffocating, I was sick of it and so when I parted ways with the doctor at the clinic I did probably one of the worst things I could do, but fuck. I’d earned it. I went straight for the boulevard and for one of the nearest open bars.
Time to fight fire with fire. My sorrows wanted to drown me, well I was going to drown them right back.
Chapter 34
Cutter
“I’m so sorry, I didn’t know…” Li’l Bit turned and looked at me and looked totally freaked out. It was about the thousandth time she’d said it and it wasn’t freaking helping the situation.
“Not your fault, Li’l Bit… this whole thing has been a lot of flying by the seat of our pants since she hit town and we haven’t exactly had enough downtime to set the rules,” I said in a bid to make her feel better.
Hope had been and gone from the clinic and she wouldn’t answer her phone for me. At first it’d rung and then gone to voice mail, so she was hitting the ‘ignore’ function on me. I tried to have one of the boys call her which ended in Atlas calling me back calling me all kinds of names for him getting told to fuck off.
It’d be funny if it didn’t feel like I was dying on the inside. Despite the calm exterior I was going out of my mind. Thoughts racing, one careening through my head right after the other before getting caught in the track and looping around and around and around and fuck this… Just breathe. My PTSD was having a fucking field day, anxiety riding at an all-time high letting its freak flag fly and all those thoughts in my head funneled right on down to the unthinkable…
I’d lost Hope.
Reaver held Li’l Bit in his lap and turned her face in his direction, eyes sparkling, he whispered something to her and kissed her and she smiled and nodded. Worlds away from the broken and sorrowful angel she’d left as months ago. Finding out your dead husband was alive after six months of grieving him being gone, spiraling down further every day… well, it wasn’t exactly something you bounced back from overnight.
Li’l Bit had left here with her man, my friend, and it looks like she was worlds better in a matter of just a few months. She pretty much oozed vitality. Put on weight and got her color back. Her sparkle and her fire… and while I was glad, I didn’t really feel a damn thing for her. There was no more jealousy, there was no more envy… I looked at them now and I was genuinely
happy
for my friends and terrified at the same time that my shot at what they had, had just been blown clean out of the sparkling coastal waters in which we sat.
“You know how I know you’re in love? Like finally met the real deal?” Reaver asked me.
“How?” I muttered, not really giving a shit what was going to come out of his mouth.
“You got the same look on your ugly mug I did when I thought I’d lost my Doll forever. Fuck man, this your first fight?”
“No,” I said thinking back to our brawl in the sand.
“I think it is,” Li’l Bit was smiling and she winked at me.
“Jesus Christ, you think you two are in love and you got it all figured the fuck out for the rest of us?” I asked.
Reaver and Li’l Bit exchanged a look.
“What?” I demanded.
It was Hayden who answered, “She’s your air to breathe, your water to drink, your nourishment,” she said and fixed those bright green eyes on me. I leaned back.
“Yeah, yeah I guess she is. It’s like I’m missing an arm over here or something, not knowing where she is, knowing she’s hurting…”
Li’l Bit smiled beatifically, “That was how Ashton explained it to me, about her and Trig. I didn’t really know what she meant until Reaver,” she looked her man in the eyes and just that act alone put a smile on her face, made her fucking glow from the inside out. He leaned forward and kissed her, holding her face to his, deepening the kiss by slipping his tongue past her lips and the thought that I might never do the same with Hope… fuck man. It left me gutted.
I knew, deep down, she wasn’t going nowhere. I’d called Marlin and he had a hold of her sister still. From what he and Nothing told me she’d shown up at the town clinic and looked upset, and when they’d left, her agitation had been off the charts. I didn’t know how my girl typically dealt with stress but if I had to hazard a guess I would bet it was punching something, which was out on a kind of her cast.
I had every man not workin’ out looking for her right now and was just waiting on a call. Reaver and Li’l Bit stopped sucking face long enough to remember I was here and to rejoin the conversation.
“I’m sure she’s fine, man. You said she could take care of herself.”
“That’s not the point bro – ” my phone rang and I snatched it up.
“Report,” I said by way of greeting.
“Yeah Captain, she’s at Jacks at the bar and nursing some bitch drink,” Lightning said.
“She okay?” I asked standing.
“Looks like she’s been cryin’, keeps glaring guys off. Doubt she’s sober enough to effectively fend one off should they make any kind of real play but she’s holding her own. Want I should bring her in?”
“No, don’t try. Just sit on her and watch her back, I’ll be there in a minute.” I looked up, Reaver slid Hayden off his lap, stood and stretched.
“Aye, Captain.” Lightning hung up and so did I.
“I think you should sit this one out, let me go down there, bet you I’d have a better chance of it than you would,” he said.
“Oh yeah, how’s that?”
“I’m not you, and I’m not Hayden. Hell, I’m not even Kraken. Neutral party… Come on. Let me give it a try.”
I wasn’t biting, but what he said next had me leaning back in my seat, he had me hook line and sinker with it. He said, “Come on man, you gave my woman back to me, delivered her safe and sound and took care of her… Let me return the favor; even though this won’t even come close to what you did for us.”
I rubbed my hand over my mouth and beard thoughtful, and finally nodded, “Alright man. Try not to take too long.”
“You get some dinner going on the grill of yours, I’ll bring her back here. The four of us will have a nice dinner and act like civilian grownups for a minute,” he grinned at me and winked and I huffed a laugh.
“I’ll help you cook,” Hayden murmured.
“Okay, Li’l Bit can stay here, I’ll run to the store and she and I will grill up some food. Surf or turf?” I asked.
“Surf,” he and Li’l Bit said in unison and laughed.
“We get plenty of turf at home,” he said and leapt down onto the dock. His running shoes making a soft thud.
“Yeah, kind of figured,” I said.
“I’ll bring her back, give me an hour. Maybe two if she’s stubborn.”
“She’s definitely that,” I agreed.
“If she doesn’t try to kill me, I am so telling on you,” Li’l Bit giggled.
“You don’t need to give me an excuse to spank that ass, Doll. If you wanna insist you know I’ll take you up on it though.” Reaver pointed both index fingers at her about chest height as he walked backwards down the dock. He winked at her and dropped both thumbs down. She laughed high and bright and blew him a kiss which he caught and tucked inside his cut before turning and strolling away, up towards the boulevard.
“He won’t let you down, you know. He’ll talk her into coming around.”
“It hurt her, Li’l Bit. It hurt her a lot.”
“I know, Sweetie, I really am sorry, but if she didn’t love you it wouldn’t bother her and if she loves you she’ll come back here and work it out. She’ll listen to reason.”
“I hope you’re right.”
She rolled her eyes and scraped her short bangs off to the side, “Of course I’m right. I’m
always
right about these things.”
“Now who is gonna tattle on who?” I asked. She blushed and bit her lower lip, and I could tell the prospect excited her. Yep. She and Reave were doing just fine. A weight, a worry I hadn’t known I was carrying lifted at that. She was okay. Reave was okay.
Good. I was glad for that. I really was. Now I just needed Hope to be alright and if that went down like it was supposed to, well then I would be right as rain. I really was in love with the bitch. Hopelessly in love with Hope. I smiled, it had a nice ring to it.
Chapter 35
Hope
I wanted a cigarette. I hadn’t smoked in years but I wanted a fucking cigarette so bad right now. I lifted my glass and took a drink, sniffed and set it back down. I was pretty much done drowning my sorrows but didn’t have any place to go just yet so I figured I would knock back a few more and maybe if I got lucky something would present itself. I wasn’t exactly a stranger to picking up men in bars… except I didn’t want that anymore. I wasn’t up for a one night stand. I’d had a taste of something better, and I just wanted him now… except now I wasn’t sure he would want me.