Daisy Fay and the Miracle Man: A Novel (26 page)

Pickle says I shouldn’t be seen with Vernon Mooseburger because he is bald and not a senior. Vernon’s problem is that he is very shy.

I cut an ad out of the paper for the Dale Carnegie Course. It says that Dale can turn you into a confident and forceful speaker. I talked to Jimmy Snow, who agreed to loan Vernon the money for the course. I told him to consider it as an investment. Vernon could turn out to be the President of the United States or something. Vernon will go if I don’t tell anyone.

I am still failing algebra. That teacher hates me because I walked in and saw her washing her false teeth in the ladies’ room. Daddy thinks people who are good at math are Nazis.

Pickle’s daddy was just named some big deal in the White Citizens’ Council. His speech was in the paper. Mr. Watkins said the NAACP is not the enemy of the white people, they are only stupid. The enemies of the white people are the Democratic party and the Republican party. He is a Dixiecrat and has proof that eighty-seven different organizations of the Communist party are working with the southern Negro to take over the United States and kill all the white people in their beds. Rock and roll is a Communist-inspired plot to get white children to lower their moral standards and if it isn’t stopped, we will all go crazy and be hypnotized by the African drumbeat that is in rock and roll. When the. time comes, we will turn on our parents and kill them. He said he has proof that Fats Domino is in cahoots with Russia.

Anyway, this Assembly of God preacher came up to the school and made Miss Philpot take “Blueberry Hill” out of our band show because it is a Communist number. So we had to do the salute to Stephen Foster again. Puke.

We got in the school paper. It said in “Teen Talk”:

Everybody knows it is me. And it said:

Mustard and Pickle. They sound like a hot dog!

When I came home from school today, Daddy had some woman in his motel room. She answered the door and said he was asleep. Her name is Ruth, and she looks like an old drunk to me. Jimmy Snow said Ruth was divorced from some air-conditioning man. No wonder I haven’t seen much of Daddy lately. And I thought he was still so upset over Momma!

Jimmy Snow and I go out and eat almost every night, but Daddy never comes with us. Well, I hope he’s happy. I’m not talking to Ruth. She’s worse than Rayette Walker.

Grandma Pettibone said most men won’t wait until their wives are cold in their graves before they find another one. Daddy’s a real jerk. I would go live with my grandmother if I could, but the man she married is in bed with another heart attack. Daddy’s daddy still won’t talk to him so I guess I’ll stay here until I can graduate and Pickle and I can go to New York. Stupid jerk!

We had to take an aptitude test for the Harwin County Board of Education. It had a lot of math on it, so I copied Pickle’s answers. My test said I was suited to be an Artistic Mechanic. What’s an artistic mechanic?

Jimmy Snow and I went with Vernon Mooseburger to his first Dale Carnegie lesson at the Elks Lodge. We waited for him to make sure he didn’t leave. Afterwards he said he liked it, even though there were mostly old men in there. He thinks he can go through with it, and I’m glad. He still needs a wig, though.

Pickle decided we need to become Rainbow Girls because all the senior girls are in it. Your daddy has to be a Mason or your mother has to be in the Eastern Star. She talked Patsy Ruth Coggins into getting her mother to sponsor us. I asked Patsy Ruth what the Rainbow Girls do. She said it was pretty easy. All you do is sing hymns. Just what I want! Thanks a lot, Pickle!

We bought our formals for the Homecoming Dance. Pickle’s is a pretty aqua net with a big satin bow. Mine is a white ballerina-length net dress with little red polka dots. We had to buy strapless bras. Pickle’s has lots of padding. We’re both on the decorating committee. Our theme is “Rhapsody in Blue” because the Blue Flame Butane Company is sponsoring the dance. I hope I never see any more blue crepe paper and blue toilet-paper flowers. That crepe paper stains your hands something awful. Everybody knows that Amy Jo Snipes is going to be the Homecoming Queen because she is getting married and Nathan is the captain of the football team and a senior. Besides that, she threatened him with “you know what” if she didn’t get to be queen. Pickle and I are in the Homecoming Court.

It looks like we will be county champions in football. We haven’t lost a game yet. We’re going to have a slumber party at Patsy Ruth Coggins’s house the night of the Homecoming Dance.

Yesterday Daddy’s girlfriend, Ruth, packed her bags and left. She slammed the door so hard it sounded like a cannon going off. About five minutes later Daddy opened the door and it fell off the hinges. When I walked by him, he said, “The bookkeeper I hired for the motel hasn’t worked out, so I had to fire her.”

Does he think I’m stupid or something?

Poor Pickle. Her daddy won’t let her go out with Mustard Smoot anymore. He thinks she is letting Mustard go all the way. He beat the hell out of her last week. He must be crazy. Pickle is going to go to the Homecoming Dance with her brother, and Lem will have to meet his date at the dance. She is always having to sneak around because he won’t let her do anything! I can’t spend the night there anymore because he says I am a bad influence. It’s just as well. He looks at me funny and makes me feel dirty. I feel sorry for Pickle’s mother. She has to do everything he says, and he won’t give her any money. She sews some clothes for people so the kids can have money. I’m lucky. When I want money, I go get it out of the cash register or ask Jimmy Snow for some. Nobody checks to see how much is in there. Jimmy says that the bartender that Daddy has working for him takes money all the time anyway.

I read in
Photoplay
that June Haver left the convent and married Fred MacMurray. I’m writing Sister Jude and if she isn’t there anymore, I’ll know for sure she’s June Haver. Why in the world would anybody leave the convent and marry Fred MacMurray?

Daddy and Jimmy and I had Thanksgiving dinner at the Romeos’ house. I don’t think you are supposed to have lasagne on Thanksgiving, but it was good, a lot better than Jimmy’s cooking.

Guess what? We lost the Homecoming Game. It’s all Michael Romeo’s fault. He made a touchdown in the first half and turned around to see if everybody was looking and ran into the goalpost and hurt his throwing arm so bad they had to take him out of the game. He was the only one on the team who could pass. Every time Mustard threw the ball, the other team kept catching it and made three touchdowns.

Our band show stunk! It was all about Thanksgiving. We formed a turkey that looked like a chicken. On top of that, it
rained and our pompoms got wet and soggy. At the end of the game I ran up to hug the players. It was the least I could do after they lost and those boys were crying their eyes out. Can you imagine getting so upset over a stupid football game? All the cheerleaders were crying except me. Pickle worked herself up into a fit. I know she didn’t care that much. She told me I didn’t have any school spirit and to pretend. So I pretended to cry for her sake.

We changed into our evening gowns at Patsy Ruth Coggins’s house and I was the only one whose eyes weren’t red and puffy. Amy Jo Snipes said we had to be happy for the boys’ sake, to help them get over the tragedy of losing. It was our duty as southern women and cheerleaders. When the boys came to get us, Patsy Ruth’s mother made us all pose for pictures in front of the fireplace. Not a one of their tuxedos fit. Lemuel’s pants were three inches too short. Marion Eugene looked like a pigeon, his shirt stuck out so far in front. Pickle could have killed Mustard Smoot because he brought her a purple orchid, which didn’t match her aqua dress.

When we got to the auditorium, most of the crepe paper had fallen down. The boys were drunk before the dance even got started. By the time the Homecoming Queen and her court were presented, half the boys couldn’t walk straight. Amy Jo Snipes and Nathan led the parade, and the band played “Blue Velvet,” which is “their song.” Amy mooned all over Nathan, who didn’t even know where he was. Somebody spiked the punch. Miss Philpot must have had some because all night she crawled over the dance floor with a flashlight looking for a cameo that fell off a black velvet ribbon she wore around her neck. Pickle made me take off my glasses, so I didn’t get to see much. Those glasses looked awful with my new dress.

Guess who showed up at the dance? Crazy old Jimmy Snow. He wanted to see me in my formal. I tried to get him to dance with Miss Philpot, but he wouldn’t. He said I was the prettiest girl there! The strapless bra I bought was the most uncomfortable thing I ever had to wear in my life. With that and the girdle, all I remember is pain. None of the boys know how to dance, so I wound up dancing with Pickle and Amy Jo Snipes
most of the night. They’re not much better. I am the only person in the Magnolia Springs High School who can lead. Kay Bob Benson and Flicka Hicks came in late. She had on a black dress her mother got her in Meridian and looked like the poor man’s Virginia Mayo, but all the boys thought she was wonderful.

After the dance at the pajama party, Amy Jo Snipes made us swear we would give her a wedding shower. Then she passed out slips of paper with what she wanted on them. She said she did it so we wouldn’t be embarrassed and two of us get her the same thing. I have to buy her a colander, whatever that is.

I still have marks on me from that strapless bra. I’m throwing that thing away.

I am so disgusted. I got a letter from Sister Jude, she’s not June Haver, and my science project failed even before it got started. Mr. Leeds, our teacher, said whoever won would get a prize and a trip to Tupelo. I wanted to mate a flounder and a stingray and see if I could come up with a whole new breed of flounder that could sting you if you tried to gig it. I feel sorry for flounders lying there on the bottom of the Gulf getting gigged. Jimmy Snow got me a flounder and a stingray, but nobody could tell what sex they were. When we put them in the washtub, they hated each other and the flounder died. I killed a fish. I didn’t mean to, but we ate it, so I guess it was all right.

I told Mr. Leeds, and he gave me another project. I have to do one on the “Effects of Chemicals on Fire Ants.” Patsy Ruth Coggins is doing “The Blowfly Maggot in Harwin County”
and Michael is doing “Islets of Langerhans, Your Liver’s Best Friend.” Kay Bob Benson is doing “The Human Circulatory System” and Vernon Mooseburger is doing “The Incredible Life-Span of the Potato Bug.” Now that he is in Dale Carnegie School, he shouts and uses funny gestures. He is going too far, and everybody thinks he is obnoxious.

Pickle is cheating. She is doing “The Study of the Chick Embryo.” Her brother, Lemuel, did it last year and since we have a new science teacher, she is using his old charts. Ever since Madame Ramona told her she was going to win a prize, she’s been impossible.

We attend Rainbow Girls every week down at the Masonic Hall on top of Tally’s Furniture Store. We have to sit outside while everybody else goes in to the secret meeting. All those Rainbow Girls have secrets. I can’t wait until we are initiated to find out what they are.

Pickle and I saw the best movie ever,
All That Heaven Allows
, about a tragic love affair. Jane Wyman is in love with a gardener, played by Rock Hudson. I like him almost as much as Cornel Wilde. Pickle and I think Jane Wyman should go to a better beauty parlor, her hair is too short in the back. We are going to write and tell her. We never did hear from Terry Moore. Rock Hudson and Jane Wyman are really in love. I don’t think they could act that well if they weren’t. I wish them both a lot of luck. Pickle says if it wasn’t for my glasses and my tooth, I could pass for Celeste Holm’s sister.

At the Rainbow Girls this week, we sang “Softly and Gently,
Jesus Is Coming” and “Pass Me Not, O Gentle Savior.” Not only that, we had to listen to Mrs. Coggins tell about the history of the hymns. She belongs to a garden club and Patsy Ruth told me they answer the roll call with the name of a flower. Can you imagine having to say “Begonia!” It’s bad enough being named Daisy.

Mrs. Snipes, Amy Jo’s mother, is having all the bridesmaids’ outfits made and we are going to a million fittings. I hate them.

The motel is failing. In the past month only two people stayed there. The only reason they came is they were lost and thought they were in Florida.

I finished reading
Great Expectations
for English. Estella is my favorite character. She is as mean as a snake.

Kay Bob Benson’s mother brought her science project to school today. It is a see-through plastic body with a heart and veins. When you plug it in, blood runs up and down the veins. She won first prize. Pickle is sick over it Lemuel didn’t win with the chick embryo last year, I don’t know why she thought she would win this year. One girl brought in a big tooth with cavities. It is gross. I didn’t win anything. You just can’t kill those fire ants. The only thing that will kill them for sure is Dr Pepper and Coca-Cola. I hate my project.

Vernon Mooseburger is now on the debate team and I have to go listen to him debate. He always wins because nobody else can get in a word.

At the Rainbow Girls, we sang “Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah.” Patsy Ruth Coggins is an officer called the Outer
Observer, and she makes sure no one observes the secret ceremony. She takes it seriously, giving four official raps on the door whenever she goes in and someone inside gives three.

I’m doing all this to be accepted at the Senior Radiator. During my book report on
Great Expectations
, all the girls laughed every time I said the name Pip because that’s what they call their period. Real mature!