No way would I beg. Only losers begged for someone’s affection. I wouldn’t do it.
The hot water sobered me up, scrubbing away the chlorine and arousal from my body. I took my time in the shower. After washing my hair, I let the conditioner sit for a while. I needed time to think.
I refused to beg Saint for another chance. He wasn’t worth losing my pride. Never would I give him the satisfaction of asking him why. Fuck him and his tragic past and fuck him again.
So angry that I didn’t even dry off before dressing, I stormed out of the bathroom. Saint stood at the kitchen, staring darkly at the counter, likely feeling bad because life wasn’t easy for him or some shit.
“Fuck you,” I said, finding my voice even if it sounded young and scared. “You can’t use me to get off then send me packing.”
“That’s not what’s happening and you know it. I lost control.”
“You’re fucked up. So what? I am too, but you keep pushing me to say things and do things. You push me past my limits and say it’ll make me strong. Then the first time you hit one of yours, you want to bail like a fucking baby.”
Saint glared at me. Maybe he was angry at me or at himself. Either way, I didn’t care. He’d pulled me closer today and made me trust him then he told me it was nothing.
I backed away when Saint stormed towards me, but he caught me and forced my gaze on his.
“Don’t cry.”
“Fuck off. I have a right to cry. You can’t tell me what to do anymore, if you have no balls to face the tough stuff too.”
Forcing me into an embrace, he held me fiercely against him. “I hate when women cry.”
“You hurt me. Don’t you care?”
He caressed my head. “The day in the woods when you tried to kick my ass, I felt tempted for the first time in… I don’t even know how long it’d been. I thought I could handle a little temptation except the temptation grew and I can’t control it anymore. I want you and I don’t think I can protect you from my feelings.”
Staring up at him, I found Saint still hiding behind a mask. Too afraid of showing his real face, he remained a confused man lost in his own fucked up head. I imagined him locked up in Mexico, day after day, struggling to keep his soul. He eventually lost the battle. Now, he was fighting again.
“You want me,” I said, making sure it didn’t sound like a question.
“You know I do.”
“You’re not a coward, so don’t act like one.”
Saint studied my face before using one hand to cup my cheek while his other arm held me close.
“I’d never been with a woman before Mexico. Never knew how it should be before I knew what it shouldn’t be. Now when I get aroused, I get mean and rough. Fucking makes me violent. I thought I could control myself with you because you’re you, but I was wrong.”
“You need to learn,” I said, leaning my cheek into his warm, rough hand. “You want to teach me to be stronger. Why can’t you train yourself too? I mean, when was the last time you pushed yourself beyond what you could control? You’re strong enough to try, yet you act like a pussy.”
Saint gave me a tight smile. “What if I push myself too far and hurt you? What if I break you? Where will that leave us? I don’t feel ruined yet. I still think one day I’ll be the man I once was, but if I hurt or destroy you then I’m done. I can’t come back from that because I’ve never hurt an innocent person. Even when it would be easier, I don’t cross that line. I need to believe I can come back from being this man.”
“We'll go slowly. We won’t push too far too fast. Of course, I’m assuming you really want to do this rather than chickening out like a little bitch.”
Saint pressed his lips against my eyebrow. “Thanks for the tough love pep talk.”
Ignoring the tears pouring down my cheeks, I pretended as if I was the strongest chick alive. “You asked me to stay here and be your dreamcatcher. I’m not ready to leave, so I’m not leaving.”
“Good, but I can’t promise I won’t fuck up.”
“No one can make that promise,” I said, sighing. “Not really.”
“True,” he whispered, lifting my chin and pressing his lips against mine.
My hands gripped his shirt as a lustful need rushed over me. Even in Saint’s arms, I felt him leaving.
“You’re feeling raw now,” Saint said, suddenly sweeping me into his arms. He walked to the couch and sat with me in his lap. “I pulled you close then shoved you away. I said yes then no then yes again. I know what it feels like when people play mind games. It’s exhausting to be toyed with even if that person doesn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Don’t talk down to me,” I muttered as he pressed my head against his shoulder.
“I’m trying to be gentle. Humor me.”
Grudgingly, I rested against him. His touch felt perfect against my bare legs. His skin smelled good enough to taste, so I pressed my lips against his throat. Saint exhaled as my lips sucked harder.
“Stop,” he whispered.
“Why?”
“Too much temptation,” he said, leaning his head back on the couch. “I haven’t felt lust in so long. You feel too damn good. I want to take you into the bedroom and not leave for a few days. Hell, maybe weeks.”
My body flushed with need. Yet my brain replayed ugly memories, leaving me unable to say more than, “No.”
Saint wrapped me tighter in his arms. “That’s why I asked you to stop.”
“We’ll go slow,” I mumbled. “I can do slow. I'm strong enough for that.”
“This is enough for me right now. Holding you and knowing I’m not rough or greedy. Knowing I’m not just a killer.”
“Will you ever tell me your real name?”
“Soon, but not here,” he said, glancing around. “I’m too paranoid someone might be listening.”
I followed his gaze around the room. “My middle name is Edith.”
Saint laughed quietly. “Mine is Angel.”
“Really?”
“Mom told everyone how much she wanted a girl. When I came along, people thought she was disappointed, so she named me Angel to show people what a blessing I was to her.”
I lifted my head and smiled at him. “Hot damn. You’re a frigging mama’s boy.”
“Of course. All the best badasses love their moms.”
My lips grazed his jaw and we both stilled. “I love both of mine, so I think that makes me a double badass.”
“Definitely,” Saint said quietly.
I wanted to talk more, but everything I ached to say was wrong. We both fell into silence. Soon, Saint left me to get cleaned up after the swim. The entire evening was quiet even during dinner at a diner. We stayed in our heads to keep from saying or doing anything that might push us too far too fast.
Tomorrow brought another paintball match and one less day with Saint in my life.
Lenny was gunning for Harlow. I caught him sizing her up a few times as everyone prepped for the second day of paintball. He didn't check out Cooper or the Rutgers twins. He didn't hunt Judd who referred to him as Wendell. He wasn't gunning for Vaughn who “accidentally” dumped beer on his shirt. No, Lenny was eyeballing my girl because the fucker was a coward.
I’d embarrassed him days earlier and he pretended to be fine. Yet men like him stewed in their self-pity until it turned to rage. Even wanting revenge, he wouldn’t come for me. The ball-less wonder instead planned to shoot Harlow as my punishment. I doubted he would aim for her outer thigh either.
With no reason for me to warn Harlow, I wore my nice guy mask even if my temper raged. The killer in me wanted Lenny on his knees, fruitlessly begging. If I wasn't wearing my mask at that minute, Lenny likely would have pissed his camo pants. With my mask, no one was the wiser except Harlow apparently.
“You cool?” she asked, caressing my arm and sending me into heat.
“I like when you pet me that way. Let’s ditch the game and go somewhere private.”
Studying me, Harlow considered saying yes. She was thinking about how good it felt in my arms. She was remembering my lips on hers. Noticing her breathing speed up ever so slightly, I waited for Harlow to agree to sneak off with me.
“I made a commitment to my team to pretend like I cared.”
Running my finger across her cheek, I accepted how throwing her over my shoulder and running away was off the table.
“Good luck pretending. I only made a commitment to show up. I’ve done that much, so I’m pretty much ready to ditch this crap and go have fun.”
Harlow grinned. “Get shot early.”
“Is that your plan too?”
“No,” she said, giving me a wink before joining Vaughn nearby.
Narrowing my eyes, I watched her ignore me. I knew she felt my gaze on her and she liked it. I sent her dirty thoughts about us in a hot tub. Somehow, I knew she was thinking about us too. Just before walking into the woods, Harlow couldn’t ignore me anymore and glanced back over her shoulder.
Our eyes met and held. Harlow showed me everything in a single moment before disappearing into the woods. Her heart both craved and feared me. My heart understood the struggle.
My group consisted of Lenny and Jason Jr. who was the baby brother of some big deal in Memphis. Much like the day before, the coddled idiot found a spot to hide. He would be safe until anyone with actual eyes glanced in his direction. I didn’t blame him for being stupid. These games weren't his usual gig. The guy had office man stamped on his forehead while Lenny was all muscles and no brain.
I tracked the asshole through the woods, remaining back enough to avoid him seeing me. He was looking for Harlow. That made two of us. As I moved soundless behind him, I enjoyed the wild nature around me. Ellsberg included a lot of pretty sights besides the blonde girl I had under my skin. Even with all this natural beauty, I couldn’t imagine spending a life in a place so small.
When I considered retiring, I pictured buying a place in a big city where I could remain anonymous. Blending in made me feel safe in a world where I had many enemies. No matter what mask I wore, I was too big and dark to blend into a place like Ellsberg. This was Harlow’s home though.
We could start over anywhere and be anyone. All my failed retirements spurred from boredom and feeling lost without my job. With Harlow as my anchor, I was ready to create a life bigger than my next job.
First, I needed to get through these stupid games that had nothing to do with either Harlow or me. Cooper and Tucker plus the twins needed to show their brass balls. Dutch and the boys needed to show they could work together and keep their shit straight. I had nothing to prove. I just wanted to spend time with Harlow.
Lenny caught sight of her a second before I did, but he couldn’t fire since she was out of range and partially behind a fallen tree. Aiming, he prowled closer. While I considered shooting him in the back, I wanted Harlow to do the deed. Sounding the bird whistle my dad taught me growing up, I hoped she understood the signal. Harlow turned towards the sound and caught sight of Lenny prowling closer. Startled, she fired a bit wildly. I didn’t blame her for fearing him. Lenny wasn’t someone I’d want to see lurking either.
Lenny let loose with profanity and I feared he might shoot her even though he was out of the game. Before he could fire, I shot Harlow in the thigh.
“Hey, Lenny,” I said walking past the cursing asshole.
Harlow frowned at me. “You shot me.”
“Where’s your big bro Vaughn to shoot me?”
A paintball came out of the woods and landed on my back. I glanced back to find Judd peering from thick brush.
“Vaughn’s taking a piss,” he said, frowning at Lenny.
Grinning, I looked at Harlow. “The rest of our afternoon is now free.”
Lenny stomped off while Harlow rubbed her leg. “I can’t believe you shot me.”
“Like you wouldn’t shoot me if you got the chance.”
“Yeah, but I’m overly competitive and more than a little petty.”
My fingers reached out and wiped a line of sweat from her forehead. “Hey, Judd, you might want to tell your boss that the twins made an old barn their base camp.”
Harlow smiled. “I’ve seduced you into betraying your allies. How badass am I?”
“So badass that you deserve a reward. Let’s go swimming.”
“I feel like you seeing me in a swimsuit gives you the reward.”
Leaning forward, I pressed my lips to her cheek. “Since when do you not enjoy me shirtless and wet? Is this a new thing?”
Harlow’s breathing shifted and she frowned. Her gaze focused on Judd who rolled his eyes and walked away.
“Don’t get me… flushed in front of the guys.”
“Stop your bitching,” I said, taking her hand. “You said we’d swim in the river after the game.”
Harlow tightened her grip on my hand even while adding in a grumpy voice, “That was before you shot me.”
“I’ll give you a massage later.”
“I don’t want one.”
“I have magic fingers,” I said, giving her a sly smile. “They’ll make you my slave.”
Mellowing out, Harlow finally grinned. “You sweat in the sexiest damn way.”
I stopped and pulled her to me. “I need to kiss you.”
“Okay and I’ll kiss you back.”
Harlow’s lips found mine. Her arms snagged me behind my neck. She tasted sweet like she’d been sucking on a candy. Wanting more, I lifted her off the ground. Her legs wrapped possessively around my hips. We walked like that for a few minutes. Only the sounds of laughter up ahead pried us apart.
Harlow stared into my eyes as her legs loosened around my waist. “I like you.”
Grinning, I set her down. “Let’s get our suits and a few drinks then go cool off in the river.”
We ignored all the conversations on the deck while grabbing our supplies. Harlow led me down a long stairway to a large deck overlooking a quiet river. After setting the cooler filled with food and drinks on a little table, she hid in a little outhouse to change into her swimsuit. Not caring who saw me in my naked glory, I stripped down, tossed my clothes on the bench, and yanked up my trunks.
Harlow appeared in her pea green one piece then gave me the once over. “I really like you,” she said, again betraying how young she was.
Walking to the edge of the deck, I held out my hand. “I’m scared to jump. Will you hold my hand?”
Smiling, Harlow rolled her eyes. “I’ll help you be brave.”
I took her hand as we stood at the edge and looked down at the dark water. “Trust me?”
Harlow nodded immediately. We jumped together, splashing into the river. The water felt refreshing in the hot day. We floated along with an inner tube. The sun warmed my skin, forcing me to dip under the water to keep cool.
“How’s your leg?” I asked when Harlow watched me for too long.
“Feels like someone shot me.”
“I got shot in the back,” I said, turning around.
Harlow ran her fingers over the growing lump. “I’m glad we got out of the game so soon. This is better.”
Disappearing into the water, Harlow emerged feet away. She disappeared again, only to pop up in front of me. Before my hand reached her face, she swam out of reach.
“I should warn you I’m an ace swimmer.”
“I should warn you my swim top isn’t tied very tight. Anything too rough might make it come right off.”
Grinning slowly, I murmured, “You have no idea what I’m thinking.”
“Oh, I know.”
“I very much doubt it.”
Harlow frowned, uncertain now. Her hesitancy was all I needed to dive down and catch her before she could flee. Squealing, she wiggled under my touch. I wrapped her in my arms and kissed her neck.
Shivering, Harlow pressed her hand against my chest. “I’m going to miss you,” she said softly.
“You’ll get over that feeling sooner than you think possible.”
“Bullshit,” she whispered. “These feelings won’t just go away. They have nowhere to go. Where can I put them?”
“You’ve faced bigger trials than what to do with your crush on me.”
Harlow reacted immediately to my words. Even wanting to prepare her for my absence, I hated how the broken look on her face cut into me. It'd been years since I felt like such a piece of shit.
When she swam away from me, I should have let her escape. Having her hate me made sense. Yet I refused to let her go. I might say the words about leaving, but they were lies I told us both. I couldn't leave this woman and survive after enjoying a taste of happiness.
Swimming up behind Harlow, I stopped her from leaving the water. My lips pressed against her ear and she waited. She wanted me to say I cared about her too. She deserved to hear that feelings weren’t meaningless.
“The Memphis guys leave in a day or two. The other boys need to get back to their families, jobs, and clubs. I have nowhere to be, so it wouldn’t kill me to stick around your redneck town awhile longer.”
Harlow leaned back against me, resting her head on my shoulder. She let my words dry the tears I knew were in her big eyes. By the time she looked back at me, Harlow smirked.
“Don’t call us rednecks.”
“Yeehaw,” I said, kissing her cheek.
Her arms held me tight. “I’m not ready for this to be over.”
“I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready.”
Harlow didn’t kiss me, lacking the confidence to make a move. Instead, she licked her lips and lifted them up as the most appealing signal ever.
When my lips claimed hers, Harlow melted against me. For a man who enjoyed power, having complete control over this woman made me feel like a fucking king.
“Please tell me your real name one day," she said, her lips moving to my throat. “I promise I'll never tell anyone.”
“One day soon,” I whispered, groaning from her sucking at my neck.
Her wet body felt unbearably good until my cock refused to be ignored. Painfully hard, I imagined how easily her swimsuit would slide over so I could find relief. Harlow’s expression was soft and relaxed. Arousal lingering on her lips, she nuzzled my throat.
As bad as I wanted relief, I needed Harlow to trust me more. No doubt if I wanted her this moment, she would agree. Relaxed the way she was, Harlow was fearless.
“You trust me,” I said as she grazed her lips against my shoulder. “Why?”
Harlow’s legs wrapped around my waist, making my cock beg. “I’d tell you, but you wouldn’t like my answer.”
I forced her to look in my eyes. “Try me.”
“Even if you leave tomorrow, you're mine. Even if I spend a long life without you, you'll still always be mine.”
I studied her warm eyes. “Why do I have to stay to make this work? Why can’t you come with me?”
Harlow didn’t answer immediately. Her confidence faded before my eyes. Harlow Todds needed me, but leaving her home and family scared the shit out of her. Scared her so much that she might be willing to let me go.
Our conversation was interrupted by the sounds of approaching people. Privacy gone, we left the river and walked up to the deck where we ate lunch and allowed my question to linger.