Damned If You Do (11 page)

Abaddon's knees gave out. He sank to the floor, thinking back over that moment when he'd held Seth's dying body. He'd been using his power to let Seth see one more time before he died, and it had failed, leaving Seth as blind as before. Abbadon had assumed it was grief clouding his abilities. He'd felt Seth's glorious soul fade away, but now…

He reached for the abyss, for the tunnel of darkness leading back to his cubicle in the Soul Acquisition Department. He reached for the familiar void that had become his home.

There was nothing there.

He turned next to the well of power that resided where his soul had once been—the power that let him grant wishes in exchange for souls—but found he no longer knew the way. He felt lost inside his own body. His heart still beat. The weight of grief hung heavy in his chest. His tear-burned eyes felt like they'd been blasted with sand. But he no longer knew the path that led to that devilish place inside of him.

He lifted his hands, staring at his shaking fingers.

No power lingered there.

He looked up at Zed, stunned. Zed was leaning over Seth's still form, his hands on Seth's head, mumbling in a language Abaddon no longer recognized. The glow had returned, along with Zed's wings. It enveloped Zed and Seth both, pulsing faintly.

Abaddon pushed himself from his spot on the floor and sat next to Seth on the bed. Seth's hand wasn't cold, as he'd expected. It was as warm as ever. He wrapped his fingers around Seth's slender wrist, feeling for a pulse.

Hardly daring to hope.

He watched in awe as the scars and open wounds on Seth's neck began to fade. The pink slowly returned to his cheeks. The faint beat of blood in Seth's veins tickled Abaddon's fingertips, and his chest began to rise and fall in slow, easy breaths.

“You did it!”

The glow around Zed faded and he finally lifted his eyes.

“Zed,” Abaddon said, having finally figured it out. “Zedekiel. Angel of mercy and freedom.”

“It is I.”

“You could have healed him all along.”

“No. I can only heal mortals, and I couldn't make him mortal until the inhuman part of him died.”

Abaddon thought Zed was dodging the issue, but he wasn't sure he cared. He leaned over Seth, touching his cheek. He still sensed Seth's soul, that sweet purity that had drawn him to Seth to begin with, but not with the clarity and desperation he'd had before. The soul hunger was gone. In its place was only love and tenderness.

“He's mortal now,” Zed said quietly. “You both are. Do you understand what that means?”

“He won't be able to heal anybody anymore.”

“Right.”

“And we both have our souls.”

“Yes, and a clean slate. But that also means you can both die.”

“Will the snakes still come?”

“Not like before, but he may encounter more of them than the average mortal. And he's no longer immune. It is your job to keep him safe.”

“I'll protect him or die trying.”

“That's as much as I can ask.”

Abaddon held Seth's hand. He brushed his fingers down Seth's cheek. Seth didn't even stir. He glanced up at Zed. “Are you his father?”

Zed's laughter was loud and deep. His teeth flashed brightly against his dark skin. “A boy as soft and pink as he? You think he came from my loins?”

Abaddon was both embarrassed and annoyed. “I don't know how angel genetics work!”

Zed laughed again. “No, his father was one of you. Or at least, one like you used to be. His mother…” He sighed. “His mother was like me. She was my friend.”

“What happened?”

“What always happens. They fell in love.” He shook his head. “Even angels seem to go for the bad boys.”

“Where are they now?”

“His mother was cast out as punishment. She resides as a mortal now, with no memory of Seth or his sire.”

“And what about the father? Where is he?”

“I cannot say. I know only that he hasn't been seen in the mortal realm since that time. He broke many rules to stay with her through the pregnancy. Whether he was discovered and his Earth-traveling powers revoked, or whether he simply doesn't care is anybody's guess, but I suspect the former.”

“Has it happened before? Angels and devils reproducing, I mean.”

“Only a couple dozen times, in all these eons. The results are always unpredictable. Some become prophets and saints. Some go the other way and do unspeakable things. But all of them die before their twenty-fifth birthdays.”

“Is that why you decided to watch over him?”

“I was the only one left who knew of his existence. I watched from a distance, at first. He was safe enough with the Rainbow people, even after his father died. But then, when he was about to turn nineteen, he became restless. He began talking of leaving the congregation and going out into the world on his own.”

“He told me about that.”

Zed shook his head. “I couldn't let that happen. The risk was too great. So I came here, where I could watch him better.”

“That's why he went blind. He told me it happened on his nineteenth birthday, the day you arrived.”

“Yes. Partly I did it to discourage him from leaving. But given his extraordinary heritage, I feared he'd be able to see my true form.” He chuckled. “Of course, if I'd left him his sight, he would have seen what you were immediately as well.”

Abaddon couldn't help but wonder how different things might have been if Seth had recognized the danger he was in from the beginning. “If you knew what I was, why on earth did you let me get so close to him?”

“I admit, I was horrified that first time you appeared. Seth told me how he'd gambled his soul against another. He laughed about it, having no understanding that the contest had been real. I told him he must never partake in such folly again.”

“He didn't listen.”

Zed shook his head. “I know. He said he wasn't a child, and that I worried too much.”

“And later?”

“I was torn. I wanted to keep him as far away from you as possible. But the truth is, you made him happy. You gave him what he's always longed for—the simple joy of falling in love—and he was brighter than I'd ever seen him.” Zed shrugged, looking out the trailer's small window toward the revival tent. “It felt wrong to forbid him that happiness, especially knowing his days were limited. I still feared his feelings for you would be his downfall, but later… I began to have faith that you would do the right thing.”

Abaddon rubbed his hand through his hair. It was strange, realizing that this form he'd adopted was now permanent. “How could you have faith in a devil?”

The corner of Zed's mouth twitched up in a grin. “Your past may be lost to you, Brother Abaddon, but not to me. You were once a good man.”

Abaddon's heart clenched. “I was? But how—”

“You fell in love with the wrong person. That person betrayed you, and when a devil asked for your soul, you asked for one simple thing in return.”

Abaddon swallowed hard, wondering. “What was it? Revenge?”

“No. You asked for a ticket home.”

It was strange how something so simple—something lost to him forever—could hurt so much. “Home? Where was home?”

“In Buxton.”

“I'm English?” Funny, how it had never occurred to him to wonder at his nationality.

“You were, yes. And quite proud of it, at the time. Between that and your broken heart, you decided to join the army. And so on May 1st, 1915, you boarded the RMS Lusitania, bound for Liverpool.”

Understanding dawned. “And she was sunk by a German sub.”

“Exactly.”

Abaddon shook his head. “That explains why I hate the ocean.”

“It does.” Zed chuckled, shaking his head. “You were a pretty lousy devil, you know.”

“So I've heard.”

“I think maybe it's because your conscience never quite died. Would you like to know your true name?”

“Oh, man.” Abaddon rubbed his hand roughly over his face and considered the question. He wasn't sure if he understood his reluctance, but he decided to trust his heart. “Thanks, but no. I think I'll stick with Abaddon.”

“A wise choice. You have paid the price for your foolishness, and now you will never forget that it's because of Seth that you have a second chance.” He stood, looking somehow more regal in his purple boubou now that Abaddon knew he was an angel. “The revival will end soon. After a healing as spectacular as that, we'll have to leave as soon as possible, preferably before dawn. There's a lot of work to be done. Wake him up, but be gentle about it.”

“I will.” Zed was at the trailer door before Abaddon stopped him. “Hey, Zed? How in the world are you going to explain all this to your boss?”

Zed's laughter was deep. He still sounded like James Earl Jones. “My cubicle is many floors from His office. It has been eons since I've seen Him.” He shook his head, rubbing his chin in thought. “I don't know what Hell is like, Abaddon, but in Heaven, there's an awful lot of paperwork to be done. And if one or two reports get lost in the shuffle?” He held up his hands, smiling. “How can one single, overworked angel be to blame?”

C
hapter Eleven

A Serious Shortage of Potato Chips and Beds

Z
ed left, and Abaddon sat for a while, just watching Seth sleep. Seth had gambled his soul, not for his own gain, but for Abaddon's. And somehow, they'd both won.

He leaned closer, kissing Seth's forehead. His eyebrows. His cheek. And when Seth finally began to stir, Abaddon moved to his lips.

“Abaddon?”

“Shh. Everything's okay. Just rest for now.”

“I thought I died.”

“You did.”

“I thought— Oh!” It was a gasp, a startled sound of wonder, his grip surprisingly strong on Abaddon's wrist, and Abaddon drew back in alarm.

“What is it?”

Seth's eyes were wide, and for once, they found Abaddon's gaze immediately. “I can see!”

Abaddon smiled, thinking how he should have anticipated that. “‘I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight.'”

“And you?” Seth asked, placing his hand against Abaddon's cheek. “Your eyes are normal. And they're beautiful. Are you a crooked thing made straight?”

Abaddon took his hand and held it to his chest. “I am a damned man who's been saved.”

It felt like there was so much more to say, but Zed's deep voice reached them from somewhere across the grounds. “I don't care that it's late! We must leave tonight!”

“Oh no,” Seth groaned. “He wants us gone by dawn again, doesn't he?”

“You guessed it.”

“I should help.”

“No, you should rest.”

“Please don't start treating me the way they do, Abaddon, like I'm some kind of liability. I have to do my part.”

Abaddon sighed. “Fair enough. But you should at least change your shirt before you go.” He fingered the blood-soaked collar. “I think this one's just about had it.”

Seth needed a bit of help getting up, but he was steady enough once he was on his feet. “I can't believe how happy I am to see the inside of this crappy little trailer.” He blushed a bit as he stripped out of his shirt, as if embarrassed at having Abaddon see him. He took a clean one out of a drawer and ducked into the bathroom to clean up. For a minute, Abaddon heard the water running, but even after it turned off, Seth didn't emerge. He seemed to be taking forever. The bathroom door was open, so Abaddon peeked inside.

Seth was simply standing shirtless at the mirror, staring at himself.

“Is everything the way you remembered?” Abaddon asked.

Seth closed his eyes. He touched his neck, feeling the smooth, unscarred skin there with shaking fingers. When he spoke, his voice was barely a whisper. “Something's different, isn't it? I'm different. I don't understand what's happened.”

Abaddon considered Seth's parentage. His transition from something supernatural to a mere mortal. “There's a lot you should know.” But the din of the revivalists trying to pack up camp was getting louder, the commotion moving their way. “I'll explain once we're on the way, okay?”

Seth nodded, taking a deep breath. “Okay.” He pulled the clean T-shirt over his head. Abaddon handed him one of his many scarves.

“It might be easier than explaining how you're suddenly healed.”

Seth nodded and wrapped it around his neck without checking the mirror. Some habits would take a while to break. He looked more at ease once he was dressed.

“All I'm thinking about is myself.” He stepped closer and put his fingers on Abaddon's cheek. “How are you?”

Abaddon put his hand over Seth's and turned his face to kiss Seth's fingers. “I have no money. No job. No ID. No clothes except the ones I'm wearing. But I am happier than I have ever been.”

“What will you do?” Seth asked. “Will you stay?”

“I will do anything you ask of me.”

Seth's smile was slow and sweet. “Maybe we can talk about that on the way too.”

“Good idea.”

They made it to the trailer door before Seth turned to face him again.

“This may sound stupid, but…does my soul still belong to God?”

Abaddon laughed. “Without a doubt.” He pulled Seth into his arms and kissed him. “And mine belongs to you.”

* * * * *

It took nearly four hours to pack up camp. Abaddon had a feeling it would have been a bit less if Seth had stayed hidden in his trailer, but everybody could tell he'd miraculously regained his sight, and that slowed things considerably.

Finally, at one o'clock in the morning they were ready to go.

“I've driven for you since you were nineteen,” Zed said as he handed Seth the keys to his truck. “But you no longer need my services.”

Seth laughed and handed them to Abaddon. “It might be best if you drive, for now. It's been a while since I was behind the wheel.”

Besides, he was obviously exhausted. Zed caught a ride in one of the semi trucks, leaving Abaddon alone with Seth in the cab of his pickup. And there, he explained it all—Seth's parentage, Zed's true nature, and the fact that Seth was now one hundred percent human.

“So my blindness wasn't punishment after all?” Seth said, when Abaddon was done. “Not from God, at least. It was just so I wouldn't leave.”

“And so you wouldn't see Zed's true form.”

“I guess that means he'll go back to Heaven soon.”

Abaddon glanced over at him, but couldn't read his expression. He had a feeling his spectacular night vision might be the one part of being a devil he missed. “Probably, yes.”

“And you? Will you leave too?”

“Only if you ask me to.”

“And if I asked you to leave, but to take me with you?”

“To see the Grand Canyon?”

“Yes.”

“What about your brother and the revival?”

Seth shrugged. “He'll be disappointed, but I think he'll understand. The ministry has always been more his calling than mine.”

“Maybe Zed can send him a vision or something. Mortals always go for those.”

Seth leaned his head against the passenger window. It was a minute before he spoke again. “Will we be okay, Abaddon?”

“What do you mean?”

“I don't have a lot, you know. Just this truck, and that trailer we're towing. I have a violin, a guitar, a couple of keyboards, and about four thousand dollars.”

“I have nothing at all but my devotion to you.”

“It isn't much to start a life with, is it?”

“It'll be enough.”

Seth laughed, shaking his head. “I'm suddenly wishing I'd taken you up on that golden fiddle.”

* * * * *

By the time they stopped at six a.m., Seth had been asleep in the passenger seat for three hours, and Abaddon could barely keep his eyes open. Abaddon had a quick conversation with Zed before stumbling into Seth's trailer. He wanted nothing more than to fall into bed with Seth in his arms.

Seth blushed furiously when Abaddon began stripping to his skivvies. He took his own pajamas into the bathroom to change. He couldn't seem to meet Abaddon's eyes when he emerged. He climbed hesitantly into bed, but when Abaddon reached for him, he resisted.

“What's wrong?”

“Don't take this wrong, but, uh…no sifting, okay?”

“Sifting?” Abaddon was so tired it took him a moment to make the connection. He chuckled, pulling Seth close, happy just to feel the warmth of his body. “Don't worry. I'm too tired to sift anyway.”

He slept soundly until just after noon. When he woke, Seth was nowhere to be seen. That troubled him. He had a feeling Seth was avoiding him, although he tried to convince himself he was being foolish. He took advantage of the trailer's tiny shower. When he emerged, he found a familiar devil in the kitchen, rifling through the trailer's refrigerator.

“Damien's dick, I've never seen so much yogurt! Don't they have any potato chips?”

“Baphomet? What are you doing here?”

“Abaddon!” Baphomet slammed the fridge shut and turned to greet him. “Do you have any idea how hard it was to find you, you lousy son of a bitch?”

But he was smiling as he said it and Abaddon found himself laughing, pulling Baphomet into a hug and pounding him on the back.

“All right, all right. It's good to see you too. No need to go to pieces on me.”

Abaddon laughed again and let him go. “I hope you're not here for my soul. I have no intention of making that mistake again.”

“After you found a way out?” Baphomet shook his head. “I'd never do that to a friend. Even a shitty friend who left me stranded alone in Hell.”

“I appreciate that.” But then an even worse thought occurred to him. “And not Seth, either. Tell me you're not here for Seth.”

“I'm not here for Seth either, I promise. Sugary souls have never been to my taste. I do have a question, though.”

“You want to know how I did it.”

“Well, yeah. Me and every other devil.”

Abaddon told him, and in the end, Baphomet sighed. “So all I have to do is get some fool to fall in love with me and to willingly cede his soul with nothing asked in return, and then I have to decline it?”

“Doesn't sound so hard, right?”

Baphomet scratched the back of his neck. “I imagine trickery won't work, either. Knowing the rules of Heaven and Hell, it probably has to be true love.” He met Abaddon's eyes reluctantly. “You must have found the real thing, my friend.”

Abaddon smiled, thinking of Seth. “I think I did.”

Baphomet groaned. “You always were a disgusting sap. I think I'll get out of here before you start waxing poetic.”

“I'll miss seeing you,” Abaddon told him. “It sounds ridiculous, but it's true.”

“Oh, you'll see me from time to time.” Baphomet clapped Abaddon on the shoulder. “I have every intention of hassling you whenever my schedule permits.”

* * * * *

He found Seth outside, his neck wrapped in a scarf as usual, hanging a load of wet laundry on the line. One line held sheets. The next line held clothes. A few of the items were obviously Seth's, but several of them looked far too big.

“They're for you,” Seth said, when he saw Abaddon studying them. “Donated by the Rainbow Revivalists. I figured you'd get tired of wearing the same clothes every day.”

“You figured right.” Abaddon pinched a pair of wet corduroys. He hoped they were more comfortable than they looked. “How exactly did you explain my lack of clothing?”

“I didn't.”

“You let them guess and then agreed when they said something reasonable?”

Seth grinned at him as he hung the last shirt. “The prevailing theory is that the car you were living out of was stolen, along with everything you own.”

“Makes sense to me.” He took Seth's hand and pulled him close. Seth came, but kept his eyes on Abaddon's Adam's apple, as if he wasn't used to looking into his eyes yet. Abaddon touched the scarf. “Still hiding your neck?”

Seth shrugged uncomfortably. “Like you said, it's easier than explaining why I don't have scars anymore. It'll only be until we go.”

“Have you talked to your brother about that?”

Seth smiled, looking sinfully mischievous. “Yes. It seems he had some kind of vision last night. Some mysterious angel with a deep, booming voice told him my healing had run its course. He said it's time for us to part ways, for a while at least. He's been inspired to give up the revival and take up a growing ministry in Georgia.”

Abaddon laughed. He'd have to thank Zed later. “I told you mortals always go for those angelic visions.”

“I almost feel guilty.” He didn't look too penitent though. He looked happier than Abaddon had ever seen him. “So are you ready to leave?”

“Whenever you are.”

“I was thinking tomorrow morning.”

“Sounds good to me.”

Now that he was rested, being this close to Seth was driving him crazy. His soul hunger was gone, but he wanted Seth as much as ever. He leaned close, brushing his lips over Seth's, but Seth pushed him gently away.

Abaddon frowned. Was it only the public display of affection that bothered Seth, or was there something else?

“You know I love you, right?”

Seth nodded, still not meeting Abaddon's eyes.

“Then what's wrong? Is this not what you want anymore? I know we haven't known each other that long. Maybe I'm pushing for something you don't really want. Maybe it's too much, too soon.”

Seth shook his head. “No. That's not it at all. It's just…” He chewed his lip for a minute, glancing around. Then he took Abaddon's hand and pulled him behind the damp sheet, granting them a semblance of privacy. “You've lived a long time. You've probably seen a lot. And now, you're free to do anything you want.”

“Yes, and the only thing I want is to be with you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely positive.”

Seth smiled, still looking unsure of himself, but a bit more confident than before. “The thing is, my trailer is really small.”

“I've noticed.”

“And there's only one bed.”

“I've noticed that too.”

Seth's cheeks were beginning to turn pink, but he finally met Abaddon's eyes. “I've spent twenty-two years living by God's commands. I don't intend to stop now. After everything that's happened, my faith is stronger than ever.”

“I can understand that.”

“And that one night…” Seth let Abaddon pull him close again. He brushed his fingers over the collar of Abaddon's shirt. “I was dying, Abaddon.”

“I know.”

“But now, I'm not.”

“I know that too.”

Seth blinked at him, waiting. “Don't you see what I'm saying?”

“No.” Abaddon shook his head, confused. “Is it me? You were willing to settle for me when I was the only option, but now you have your whole life ahead of you. Maybe you want to find somebody better? Somebody closer to your age who shares your beliefs—”