Dancing in the Rain (24 page)

Dwight rose and began to pace the floor. Thank goodness the other doctors had not yet returned from their poker game. His roommates would surely have protested this nocturnal rambling. It wasn’t difficult to understand why he had dreamed of Carolyn sobbing. The story of what had happened to Theo’s company had reached Goudot yesterday. Being closer to the front, Carolyn would have heard it earlier. Of course she would be devastated.

Dwight clenched his fists, picturing Carolyn’s face as someone—some well-meaning stranger—told her that her brother was dead. Had she begun crying immediately, or was the wound so deep that she had been in shock, unable to react until later when the pain broke through the barriers Nature had erected? Whenever reality had hit, it must have had the force of a speeding train. First her fiancé, now her brother. Poor Carolyn! How much could one woman, even one as strong as Carolyn, endure?

Dwight strode to the other side of the room, turned and marched back. Pacing was supposed to relieve tension. Hadn’t he told patients that, urging them to repetitive motions? He had told women to knit, men to pace. It wasn’t working. His thoughts were still as jumbled as when he’d wakened. He could still taste his fear. He could still picture Carolyn’s grief.

Dwight executed another turn and strode back to the door. For a few minutes, he forced himself to think of nothing other than putting one foot in front of the other. This was what he had counseled patients.
Empty your mind. Concentrate on the mechanics of walking.
Had his patients found the advice as useless as he did?

Dwight wasn’t sure how long he paced. All he knew was that one time when he approached the door, the image in his mind changed. Instead of Carolyn sobbing over Theo, Dwight pictured her face the last time he had seen her. There had been tears in her eyes then, and he had been the one who had caused them.

What a fool he had been! Dwight stopped in the middle of the floor, his shoulders sagging from the weight of his guilt. His problem wasn’t Carolyn; it was himself and his pride. He had let his pride stand in the way of happiness. He had been hurt by her refusal to marry him. What man wouldn’t be? But he had let his bruised pride overrule his common sense. He had lashed out, so hurt by what Carolyn wouldn’t give him—marriage—that he had rejected what she could offer—friendship. Friendship wasn’t everything Dwight wanted, but it was better than what he had now, which was nothing. Even his pride was gone, and in its wake was nothing but sorrow. Worse, his foolish pride had hurt the woman he loved more than anything on earth.

Dwight raised his head and straightened his shoulders. He knew what he had to do. She might reject him again, refusing even to be his friend. That was a distinct possibility and a painful one. But it was a chance he had to take. He had to try again, even though it meant risking his pride. He loved Carolyn; he needed her, and he believed she needed him.

Dwight thought quickly. Though his instincts told him to leave immediately, he knew that there would be a large number of wounded men arriving this morning. The hospital was already short-handed. If he left, his colleagues would be overworked and men might die. Dwight couldn’t let that happen. But tonight after they had treated all the new patients, it would be different. Tonight he could go to Carolyn.

Carolyn hoped her smile didn’t look as artificial as it felt. With each mile that passed, she felt her anxiety grow, and with each mile, it became more difficult to pretend that this was an ordinary journey.

She looked at the men who had been entrusted to her care and smiled again. If it hadn’t been for them, she might have given in to her fears and turned around. Of course, Carolyn reflected with a wry smile, it was difficult to force a train to turn around.

When she had told the matron that she wanted to return to her base hospital, the woman had merely nodded and said that she had expected the request and that she understood how painful it would be to be so close to the front under the circumstances. Since the matron had agreed that she could leave, Carolyn did not correct her assumption that the reason for the request was Theo’s death.

The matron had pulled out a piece of paper and nodded again, telling Carolyn that a hospital train was heading from the front to Goudot that night. If Carolyn wished, she could travel on it. The staff on the train would be grateful for another nurse.

Carolyn was grateful for the opportunity. Treating the wounded men had helped her keep her fears at bay throughout the night. Though several of the doctors had raised eyebrows in what might have been either surprise or censure, Carolyn had joked with the patients. She hadn’t planned to; the quips had simply slipped out along with some of her fictitious grandmother’s sayings. It was, Carolyn told herself, a positive omen. This was the first time since she had left Goudot that she had been able to laugh, and oh, how healing that laughter had been. It had convinced her that she had made the right decision in planning to return to Goudot. Even more important, as they had laughed, the patients had started to relax. Nothing could change the fact that many of them were seriously wounded and that some would not make it home, but for a few minutes, their fear was lessened.

And so was hers. But now as they approached the station in Goudot, it returned, more powerful than ever. Carolyn could taste it, and she could feel the way her heart thudded, pumping dread through her body. What if he … ? No! She wouldn’t think about that. She was doing what she had to do. Surely it would turn out all right.

“So what does your granny say about this hospital?” one of the men asked as the train began to slow for the station.

The train jerked, and Carolyn lost her balance. It was only by grabbing a pole that she managed to keep from falling onto the floor. When she was once more upright, she grinned at the man who’d asked the question. “I reckon she’d tell me to count my blessings that the hospital is stationary.”

The men laughed. One of them held up his hand and began to turn down each finger. “I’m counting my blessings,” he told another.

Though she made no outward sign, Carolyn was counting her blessings, too. They had arrived. Dwight was here. And maybe …

“Nurse Clothespin!” The orderly who met the train couldn’t hide his surprise. “I didn’t know you were coming back.”

Carolyn shrugged as she climbed down the iron stairs and helped a patient into one of the waiting wagons. It was only a short walk from the station to the hospital. If she started now, she could reach the hospital before the wagons were loaded with patients. She could see Dwight that much sooner. It was a tempting thought, but Carolyn would not desert the men she had cared for all night. “I just decided to come back yesterday,” she told the orderly. “I need to get these men to the operating theater.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

The sky had lightened almost imperceptibly as the train had approached Goudot. Now, though the day remained cloudy, it was officially dawn. Carolyn closed her eyes for a moment, remembering how Ed and Theo had described the pleasure of climbing out of the trenches each morning at dawn. Neither of them would see another dawn.

Carolyn forced a smile onto her face. Though there would always be an empty place in her heart caused by the loss of Theo and Ed, crying now would do no good and would only upset the men she had tried to cheer.

Think of the future, Carolyn,
she admonished herself.
Think of Dwight,
she repeated as she accompanied the men to the operating theater. The man she thought about and dreamed about was intent on suturing a wound when Carolyn entered the room where they had spent so many hours together. She knew that look on his face. Until he had taken the final stitch, nothing short of an earthquake would attract his attention.

Holding a finger in front of her lips in the universal signal for silence, Carolyn tapped the assisting nurse on the shoulder. “Let me,” she mouthed. Though the woman’s eyes widened in surprise when she recognized Carolyn, she nodded and flashed Carolyn a conspiratorial grin.

“Another suture.” Dwight spoke without looking up, his hands moving with the grace and assurance Carolyn had always admired.

The operating room was filled with patients and staff. The clank of instruments against metal, the sounds of soft moans and firm commands, the smells of antiseptic and infection told Carolyn this was an ordinary morning. And yet it was not. For her, this was most definitely not an ordinary morning.

Carolyn felt her pulse accelerate. It would be only seconds before Dwight saw her. What would he do? Would he order her out of the operating room? It was possible after the way she had hurt him that he would not want to speak to her. Carolyn struggled to keep a smile on her face. She couldn’t give in to her fears. That would be another mistake.

Wordlessly, she handed Dwight the suture he had requested. Perhaps he recognized her hands. Carolyn wasn’t sure. All she knew was that something caused him to look up. She saw the recognition in his eyes and something else, a fire that she couldn’t identify. Was it anger? Or was it something else?
Please,
she prayed silently,
let him not be angry. Let him still care. Let him …
She took a deep breath, then allowed herself to think the words that had haunted her ever since she had told him good-bye the last time.
Let him still love me.

When Dwight finished suturing the wound, Carolyn bandaged it as she had so many other wounds in the past. The lethargy that had plagued her at the field hospital was gone, replaced by an undeniable sense of excitement and accomplishment. Along with the pain of grief she carried everywhere, it also felt good to be back here, working with Dwight again.

As Carolyn prepped the next man for surgery, he gave her an imploring look. “Don’t let him take my arm.” The soldier gestured toward Dwight, who was studying his chart.

Carolyn managed a reassuring smile. “Doctor Hollins is the best. If anyone can save your arm, it’s him.” She kept her gaze on the patient’s face, willing him to believe her. Confidence and a positive attitude were powerful weapons in the healers’ arsenal. Perhaps if she could convince this man, she could also convince herself that today would have a happy ending.

“I bet you say that to everybody.”

Carolyn heard the doubt and fear mingled in the patient’s voice. “My granny taught me not to lie.” The small sound that came from Dwight’s direction might have been a snicker. Carolyn ignored it. What was important now was helping the man on the stretcher. “Granny said a liar was like a week-old fish.” As she had hoped, the man’s eyes, which had been clouded with apprehension, brightened at her analogy. “Everyone can smell it, and no one wants it around.”

This time, there was no doubt that Dwight was laughing. So, too, was the patient. “You sure don’t smell like no fish,” he said. “You smell better than a bunch of flowers, so I reckon you’re not lying.”

Carolyn made a mocking curtsey. “Thank you for the compliment, kind sir. Now, you just relax.” Although he did, she could not, for she knew what was ahead. While she wanted the shift to end so that she could talk to Dwight, at the same time Carolyn dreaded the prospect. What would she do if he refused her?

For the next few hours, she worked mechanically, handing Dwight the instruments he needed, joking with the patients when she could, trying desperately not to think of what she would say when the last of the men was treated. At times, she felt almost as if she had never left, but she had, and that made a difference. Though she and Dwight still worked well together, there was an undeniable distance between them that had not been there before.

Margaret was right. Carolyn had changed. They all had. Change didn’t have to be bad. Carolyn knew that, and yet she could not dismiss the fear that Dwight had changed so much that he no longer loved her. She wouldn’t think of that. Not now. What mattered now was helping Dwight save these men.

When the last patient was wheeled out of the operating theater, Carolyn turned to Dwight. “I need to talk to you.” To her chagrin, the words came out almost like a croak. She hadn’t realized how difficult it would be to pronounce such a simple sentence, but her throat had closed, refusing to let the sounds escape.

Though Dwight looked at her, she could read nothing in his expression. The hazel eyes that had haunted her dreams were hooded, and his lips were set in a straight line, neither frowning nor smiling. “Certainly,” he said. “Shall we go to the lounge?” He might have been speaking to a post for all the emotion he displayed.

In the past, they would have spoken as they walked through the hallway. Today they were silent. Carolyn’s heart was beating as fast as a hummingbird’s wings, making her wonder whether she would be able to force a word through her lips.
Calm down
, she admonished herself as she tried to keep her breathing deep and regular. She couldn’t give in to panic. Not now.

By some small miracle, the lounge was empty, and they moved instinctively, or so it seemed to Carolyn, to the chairs that they had occupied so many times in the past. When they were seated, Dwight leaned forward ever so slightly. His expression no longer inscrutable, she saw sympathy in his eyes. “I heard about your brother,” Dwight said gently. “I wish there were something I could say to ease your pain.”

Carolyn gripped the chair arms, trying to gather strength. Who would have thought this would be so difficult? She had never dreamed that baring her heart would tax her physically as well as emotionally. “Theo’s not the reason I’m here.” She took a deep breath, exhaled, then took another. She didn’t expect Dwight to make this easy on her, not after the way she had rejected him, but Carolyn prayed that he would listen and understand. She met his gaze, hoping he could read the sincerity in her eyes. His own expression was once more unreadable. Though the grandfather clock chimed the hour, it was a measure of Carolyn’s distress that she could not have said how many times it rang.

“I’ve done a lot of thinking since the last time we were together,” she told Dwight. Somehow, the words came out clearly despite the turbulence of her thoughts. Dwight nodded, although Carolyn didn’t know whether he was agreeing or simply encouraging her to continue. In either case, she had no choice. She had resolved that she would not stop until she had said everything that was in her heart. That was the only way she knew to try to correct her mistakes.