Dancing Naked (23 page)

Kia nodded thoughtfully. She’d never considered herself brave before. Stubborn, maybe, but not brave.

“
You
are dancing naked, Kia,” Grace whispered.

“I am?” Kia asked, smiling warily.

“Yes, you are,” Grace assured her. Their eyes locked, and Kia felt a strong connection. “Exposed completely. Moving to an internal rhythm, all your own.”

Kia continued to look deep into Grace’s eyes, trying to understand. “How did we get onto this, anyway?” she asked eventually.

“We were talking about sex.”

“Actually,” Kia laughed, “I think you were talking about sex.”

“Whatever,” Grace said. She leaned closer to Kia again. “Someday,” she said, “you’re going to meet just the right person. The two of you will make a commitment to each other.”

“I wonder ...”

“You will. And then ...”

“Then what?”

“When you find that right person, enjoy
it
.”

Kia looked puzzled. “It?”

“Your sexuality, silly girl!” Grace smiled as Kia blushed. “It’s a wonderful gift,” she continued, closing her eyes and sitting back in her wheelchair, “and not something to shy away from.”

It was Kia’s turn to study Grace. “If you could do it all again,” she said, “knowing you’d outlive your kids, would you still have had them?”

“Ah yes,” Grace said. “The conversation comes full
circle.” She turned and looked Kia squarely in the eye. “I wouldn’t have missed the experience of being a mom for anything Kia, even though ...” She stopped.

“Even though it’s so hard to lose them?” Kia asked softly, looking away.

“Yes. There are different ways of losing them, I suppose. But there’s no other experience like having children. Someday, honey, you should have another child. Experience parenthood. Being completely responsible for a child is something not to be missed.”

Kia nodded thoughtfully.

Grace reached over and placed a twisted hand on top of Kia’s. “And just think, you are giving a childless couple that same opportunity. You’re not only brave, you’re generous too.”

Kia met Grace’s eyes. “You know,” she said after a moment, “you would have been an awesome grandma.”

“You think so, Kia?” Grace asked, her eyes shining.

“I know so, Grace.”

~ baby could live on the outside
~ eyes are opening and shutting
~ baby is putting on weight
~ rapid brain growth

July 23

The people at the home are so close to the end of their lives.

My baby hasn’t even drawn its first breath.

Each of those old people was once someone’s baby,

Wrapped in their parents’ arms, loved, adored.

Wondering what life would bring them.

They were each someone’s unborn baby, too

Eagerly awaited

Or?

Each of their lives were once clean slates

With endless possibilities

And now?

They sit, waiting.

Waiting for what?

Another baby will soon be born.

First breaths, last breaths

The seamlessness of life

From:
        Justin <
[email protected]
>
To:
             Kia <
[email protected]
>
Date:
          July 25
Subject:
     worried
hi ki,
when you didn’t show up at the home today, everyone got worried. beatrice thought for sure your baby had come, and flo just kept watching the door, the book you’ve been reading to her propped open in her lap. grace was the worst. she kept twisting and twisting the bottom of her sweater until i thought for sure she’d make a rag out of it.
J

From:
        Kia <
[email protected]
>
To:
             Justin <
[email protected]
>
Date:
          July 25
Subject:
     Re: worried
sorry justin. i meant to tell you last night at prenatal that i had a doctor’s appointment today. i have them weekly now because my blood pressure is a bit high and she just wants to keep an eye on it. i meant to come by the home after my appointment, but i felt so tired and it was so hot. i went home and slept for a couple of hours.
you were great at prenatal. you’re going to be better than any of those ‘real’ dads on the big day.
K

From:
        Justin <
[email protected]
>
To:
             Kia <
[email protected]
>
Date:
          July 25
Subject:
     phew
glad you’re ok. will we c u tomorrow?
J

From:
        Kia <
[email protected]
>
To:
             Justin <
[email protected]
>
Date:
          July 25
Subject:
     Re: phew
trust me. i’ll b there!
k

~ baby gets hiccups
~ lungs are mature
~ gums are becoming rigid
~ fat is dimpling on elbows and knees

July 28

I’m scared. It’s going to hurt so much! The birth, the adoption, everything!

I don’t want to be me.

From:
        Kia <
[email protected]
>
To:
             Justin <
[email protected]
>
Date:
          Aug. 4
Subject:
     venting
hi justin, don’t read any further if you’re expecting a cheerful letter. i need to vent. i’m sorry it’s always u i dump on.
i just got back from joanna and brett’s. they have an awesome home and u should see the nursery they’ve put together. it looks like something out of a magazine. i kept imagining my little baby lying in the cradle they have, with the winnie-the-pooh mobile hanging over it and all the little stuffed animals sitting in the end. i could smell the ivory snow soap that joanna used to wash everything. she’s even got the little sleeper laid out that she’s bringing her home in. it’s yellow. yellow is good for a girl or a boy, she said. i
guess she doesn’t believe it’s going to be a girl.
i made the mistake of sitting in the rocking chair and pretending that it would be me rocking my baby to sleep. i actually felt sick i was so jealous, and it’s confusing, because i really like them. but i hate them too! that should be my nursery! this is my baby but they’ve gone ahead and got everything ready, like it was already theirs.
and then i heard them arguing in the kitchen! i couldn’t believe it. they obviously didn’t know i could hear them — they thought i was still in the nursery. maybe they’re not so perfect after all. maybe i shouldn’t trust them with my baby!!!
o justin. i know how stupid i sound. my split personality is at it again. half of me knows how lucky i am to have found them, the other half is still telling me not to let her go. there. i’m done. thanks for listening. what would I do without you?
k.

From:
        Justin <
[email protected]
>
To:
             Kia <
[email protected]
>
Date:
          Aug. 4
Subject:
     Re: venting
your feelings are ok, ki, completely normal and it’s a good thing that you’re venting. i’m always here 2 listen. Speaking of venting, have you been practicing your breathing? i want us to b the best. don’t let me down!
J.

From:
        Kia <
[email protected]
>
To:
             Justin <
[email protected]
>
Date:
          Aug. 4
Subject:
     breathing
i’ll be the best breather there. trust me.
k

Kia closed
Charlotte’s Web
and sighed. She glanced at the faces of the seniors gathered around her. She understood now why Justin had chosen this particular book. She didn’t miss the parallel between Charlotte, the spider, entrusting her sac of eggs to Wilbur, the pig, with her own situation, but she thought the story of Charlotte getting old and dying might be depressing for some of these seniors. And why a children’s book?

“That was beautiful, Kia,” Flo said, wiping her eyes. “It is quite a different story when you hear it in old age.”

“Uh-huh,” agreed Grace. “E.B. White has such a magical way with words. He describes the passage of time so beautifully.”

“I know what you mean,” Beatrice said. “Can you find that paragraph again, Kia, the one about how you feel when you’re waiting for something to happen?”

Kia flipped through the last couple of pages until she spotted it. She read,
“For Wilbur, nothing in life was so important as this small round object—nothing else mattered. Patiently he awaited the end of winter and the coming of the little spiders. Life is always a rich and steady time when you are waiting for something to happen or to hatch.”

Kia looked up and met Grace’s eyes. Grace smiled and nodded. Kia had to look away as a wave of guilt washed over her. Joanna was like Wilbur, waiting for the
baby to be born, but she, Kia, kept pushing her away.

“And now read the last paragraph again, Kia,” Grace said quietly.

“Wilbur never forgot Charlotte,”
Kia read.
“Although he loved her children and grandchildren dearly, none of the new spiders ever quite took her place in his heart. She was in a class by herself. It is not often that someone comes along who is a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both.”
Kia closed the book.

“True friends are rare,” Justin commented as he joined the small group.

Kia nodded. “That’s for sure.”

“Although I think there is a Charlotte or two in everyone’s life,” he added.

Kia nodded, knowing full well that no one would ever take Justin’s place in her heart. He was definitely in a class by himself.

Kia lay on her side on the thin mat. Justin knelt beside her. Around the room panting could be heard from the pregnant women as they practiced the breathing techniques that would get them through labor.

“Why do you think no one visits our seniors, Justin? It’s so pathetic.”

“
Our
seniors?” Justin smiled down at her.

“Yeah.
Our
seniors. What makes them all yours?”

He laughed. “Nothing. It’s great that you’ve adopted them.” He stopped abruptly, realizing, from Kia’s sharp glance, that it was a poor choice of words, but then continued, “You know what I mean, and most of them
do get occasional visitors. It doesn’t seem like much, I know, but everyone leads busy lives. I think most families do their best. And I don’t think they’d want you feeling sorry for them. Just enjoy their company.”

Kia nodded. “I’ve enjoyed spending more time there.” She smiled, thinking of Grace. “I think I’m getting more out of it than the seniors. Now I’d do it even if I wasn’t earning community service points.”

“Funny how that happens,” Justin replied. “Now lie down and get back to work.”

Kia sat up instead. She reached out and gently punched his arm. “How’d you get so smart anyhow?”

He punched her back. “Just born that way, I guess,” he said. “You got the looks, I got the brains. Don’t we make a great team?”

Kia laughed, looking down at herself. “Oh yeah. I’m, like, real gorgeous. And are you saying I don’t have a brain?”

Justin shook his head, smiling. “No. I saw your last report card, remember? I wish I’d done half so well in school.”

“It’s weird, isn’t it? I know people who get great marks, but I wouldn’t call them smart. Know what I mean?”

“I know exactly.”

Kia rubbed her stomach. “I hope my little girl gets the kind of smarts you have.”

“And your looks,” Justin said. “Although,” he added with a laugh, “she won’t be doing half bad if she looks like her dad.”

“Don’t remind me of Derek,” Kia said, easing herself
back onto her mat as she spotted the teacher approaching them. “I hope she’s nothing like him.”

“She is half him, Ki,” Justin reminded her quietly, as he leaned over her. “And have you talked to him about signing the adoption papers yet? Time’s running out.”