Dancing Through Life (10 page)

I learned that it’s a misunderstanding of femininity that we think biblical femininity is only reserved, bashful, or plain. As I dug deep looking for confidence, I wondered,
What is the context for a godly woman to be bold?

I didn’t have to look any further than the Bible for my answer. Here’s a quick look at some of my favorite bold women in God’s Word.

Deborah the Prophetess

Deborah’s story is found in Judges 4–5. The Bible tells us that Deborah was married and that she served as a judge for the people of Israel. An enemy named Sisera made threats against God’s people, but God had promised deliverance. There was only one problem; Israel’s general, Barak, was too afraid to lead the charge. Deborah wanted to see her people win the victory that God had promised, so she boldly reminded Barak what was at stake:

Move on, for this is the day the L
ord
has handed Sisera over to you. Hasn’t the L
ord
gone before you? (Judg. 4:14)

Deborah used bold confidence to point Barak back to God’s promises. Apparently he needed the reminder, because he changed from a weak leader to a commanding general, wiping out the entire enemy army. That’s the power of a confident woman!

Ruth the Desperate Widow

Ruth’s story is told in the Old Testament book of Ruth. After her husband and father-in-law died, Ruth accompanied her mother-in-law, Naomi, to Judah. There, Ruth and Naomi struggled to make ends meet as two widows.

Through hard work and a bold move, Ruth secured a “kinsman redeemer” in a man named Boaz. Boaz married Ruth, provided for her and Naomi, and fathered Ruth’s son, Obed. Obed went on to become the grandfather of King David, securing Ruth’s place in the lineage of Jesus.

But Ruth did not just sit back and wait for all of this to happen to her. She boldly approached Boaz and asked for his help.

Anna the Prayer Warrior

Anna’s story doesn’t get much real estate in the Bible, just two short verses in Luke 2:36–38, but that doesn’t mean that Anna wasn’t bold.

The Bible tells us that Anna was “advanced in years” (
esv
). Which is just a nice way of saying Anna was old, somewhere in her eighties or nineties. For decades Anna lived in the temple and watched and prayed for the Savior she knew was coming to redeem her people from their sin.

Because she had so much practice praying bold prayers, she knew the Savior when she saw Him. He arrived at the temple when He was just a few weeks old and wrapped in His mama’s arms.

When she saw Jesus, she boldly proclaimed His divinity: “At that very moment, she came up and began to thank God and to speak about Him to all who were looking forward to the redemption of Jerusalem” (Luke 2:38).

Anna didn’t timidly talk about Jesus. She didn’t whisper that He had arrived. She fearlessly shouted it from the rooftops.

Beautiful Fierceness

There’s no cookie-cutter version of femininity to be found in the lives of these women. There are single girls, married women, and widows represented in these stories. Some had to boldly fight for what they needed to survive; others used their lives to boldly point others to God. Some seemed to be naturally confident, and others had to be encouraged to speak up. All are a part of God’s story because they are women who bore His image well.

What these women had was a beautiful fierceness.

Kimberly Wagner writes about that fierce woman this way: “She is a warrior at heart—not violent or aggressive—but tempered by humility. She’s a soft warrior; fleshing out the beauty of fierceness in her daily life. Loving God and others with sacrificial devotion. . . . I love to see a fierce woman in action.”
9

Kimberly goes on to outline the characteristics of a beautifully fierce woman:

• Her identity and value are rooted in her relationship with Christ rather than a relationship with a man.
  
• She’s filled with gratitude for God’s good gifts. Her heart is ruled by the peace of contentment.
  
• She courageously faces her fears rather than running or hiding in shame.
  
• She’s passionate about things that matter rather than living for the trivial.
  
• She loves God and others. She’s more focused on giving love than getting love.
  
• She’s willing to battle for a worthy cause rather than shrinking in defeat.
  
• She grabs the hem of God’s will and doesn’t let go.
  
• She protects and defends the helpless rather than using her strength to bully others. She is known as a sincere encourager.
  
• She’s honest but kind.
  
• Others feel comfortable in seeking her counsel.
  
• She embraces God’s Word as her ultimate authority rather than being swayed by the voices of the culture.
  
• She faithfully confronts by speaking truth in love rather than enabling sin by keeping silent.
  
• She walks in confidence and humility that flow from her recognition of Christ’s work of grace in her life.
  
• She has the power to influence and inspire because she lives under the Spirit’s control.
  
• Her life is lived all out for God’s glory rather than the smallness of self.
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What a list! Now that’s a brand of femininity I can embrace! Instead of hiding who I am as a woman, I want to bear God’s image with beautiful fierceness. Don’t you?

As I wrestled with what God’s Word says about my femininity, sexuality, and design, I discovered a newfound freedom to embrace being a beautiful, confident woman without being fearful or ashamed of it. And you know what? Confidence is attractive. There’s just something about a confident woman that makes others want to perk up and take notice.

Once again, I had to face the fact that I care about what other people think about me to my detriment. Fear of being perceived as provocative kept the beautiful fierceness He intends for me to display under wraps.

The message my womanhood is designed to send is not, “I’m hot. I’m sexy and I’m in control,” but rather, “I’m confident in who God made me to be. He knew what He was doing! He is in control!” And that confidence doesn’t just make people take notice of me; it makes people take notice of my God and puts Him on display!

Shame versus Convictions

I wanted to dance in a way that declared, “I am a woman. I am proud of who God made me to be.” To get there I had to address the difference between conviction and shame. My convictions were strong beliefs based on what I read in God’s Word. During this part of the journey I realized that some of the things I thought were convictions were really rooted in shame. Being a strong woman or a bold woman felt like something I needed to hide.

The lives of the women outlined on the previous page prove that being bold doesn’t have to mean that you’re sassy or provocative, and it doesn’t discriminate against physical beauty. Some of them had a quiet confidence, others were more outspoken. All were created with femininity and sexuality, but they didn’t use those as weapons to get what they wanted. Instead they pointed others to God in ways that only a woman could. They are beautiful examples of what it means to bear the image of God. They teach us that being a confident woman looks different for each of us. In this moment, I simply needed enough confidence to snap my fingers and cha-cha-cha across the stage. That probably looks different in your life, but we have the freedom to be confident women without shame.

Ultimately, when the lights went on and the cameras started to roll for the week six live show, I did it! I got through my entire routine without any noticeable glitches and, most of all, I had fun! I could only attribute it to all the prayers that had been sent up on my behalf. I even pointed up to the sky and thanked the Lord during the post interview. I don’t know that Mark ever hugged me with relief harder than he did that night. He was so glad I made it through the whole dance and reminded me of how proud he was that I overcame my fear, pushed through, and had a good time while I was doing it.

The judges did notice the tension I was experiencing between wanting to own my femininity and feeling uncomfortable about showcasing my sexuality.

Bruno declared, “Candace, you are sexy. You just don’t know it.”

He pointed out that he could almost see me wrestling with exhibiting confidence and then stopping myself, looking like a switch that was being flipped on and off. He encouraged me to keep the current running through all the time because it was there! The other judges agreed and offered encouragement if I advanced to the next round, which I did, but not without being in jeopardy in the bottom two once again.

Obviously, this is an area where I don’t have everything figured out, but I’m making progress. I’ve always known who I am and Whose I am, and
DWTS
helped me to “own it” and to be confident in who God made me to be. With that hard lesson learned, I can look back on week six and see that our song choice was perfect . . . “I Love It!”

Chapter 8

Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the
more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s
power may reside in me.

—2 Corinthians 12:9

F
our words have the power to simultaneously strike terror into my heart and fill me with pure excitement—Colossus at Magic Mountain. Back in the day it was the tallest and fastest wooden roller coaster in the world and the first with two drops greater than 100 feet. I rode Colossus for the first time as a terrified twelve-year-old. I’d technically been tall enough to ride the two previous times I’d been to the theme park but I could never muster up enough courage to get on. My sisters and my friends tried to talk me into it, but my fear was just too great and I’d always cop out right before it was our turn to be seated. But finally, after my group of friends and family had ridden Colossus once and were going back for a second run, I decided to go for it. I was determined. There was no going back!

I was absolutely scared to death. I wanted to panic as the lap bar locked into place. The train started to move and clicked its way up every notch toward the first and biggest drop. My friends told me to put my hands in the air, but instead I gripped the bar so tightly my knuckles turned white. I concentrated on keeping myself from throwing up and crying all at the same time. My mom told me to scream. She said, “Let the air out. It will help you breathe and have fun.” So I did. I screamed as loud and as hard as I could as the coaster rolled up and down for a wild two minutes and thirty seconds.

When the ride finished, I breathed a sigh of relief. And then let out a big, “Whoo Hoo!” My smile was plastered across my face and I felt so empowered! I loved it! It was exhilarating and exciting that I pushed through my fears. At that moment, I felt unstoppable. The Colossus taught me that I could accomplish anything, even if it scared me.

That ride was such a triumph that I wanted to ride roller coasters everywhere. As I traveled for work making appearances in cities all over the country during my
Full House
years, my manager organized some play time for me at each city’s greatest theme park. My goal was to ride all the biggest and baddest roller coasters in the country. And just like a roller coaster ride, there were ups and downs trying so many of them. Some were great and some made me sick, but the risk never stopped me from trying.

As the weeks whizzed by on
DWTS
, I felt like I’d strapped in for a ride much more terrifying and exhilarating than my run on the Colossus. When week seven arrived and I was still a member of the
DWTS
cast, a part of me felt like I’d just taken a 100-foot drop. My stomach was in my throat and I was freaking out a bit that I was still on the ride. The range of emotions I experienced each week sure felt like a roller-coaster ride. One minute I thought,
Oh, I can’t believe I made it! This is so exciting!
The next minute I’d think,
I want off the show! This is so hard and I’m scared to death to go out there and perform. What if blanking out becomes a new thing for me each week? I can’t do this!
One moment I’d be picturing myself in the finals, and the next moment I’d imagine forgetting my entire routine while millions of people watched. By making it to this point, I had surpassed my goal and that was fantastic. But my nerves were shot, my body was spent, and my emotions were totally haywire.

My struggles were obvious. Mark said, “I’ve never dealt with anyone with nerves like yours in all my past contestants.” Apparently when it came to the grueling mental game that comes with being on the show, I was in a league of my own!

After I started blanking out on set, the producers also took notice. Realizing that I was losing the battle to control my anxiety, they suggested that I go see a sport psychologist.

People who watched the show have since asked me if that was a suggestion made out of genuine concern or an attempt to create a story line. I can say with absolute certainty that the producers weren’t trying to boost ratings or paint me as a contestant who had gone off her rocker. They were genuinely concerned that I was cracking under the pressure. Two particular producers, both women, were very nice and nurturing toward me throughout the entire journey. They showed genuine concern for my well-being. They could see it in my eyes that I wasn’t coping well, and they intervened for my benefit.

In hindsight I can also see that they knew how many people were voting for me each week. I didn’t have access to those numbers. Along the way a couple of people implied that my voting base was strong enough to get me to the finish line, saying things like, “Trust me, you’re not going anywhere.” (Wink. Wink.) What can I say? I have the best fans in the whole world! But I couldn’t process any of that in the moment. I was simply too exhausted. The producers knew that my fans would keep me in it for the long haul. I believe setting up an appointment with a sport psychologist was their attempt to help me mentally stay in the game.

Since none of our other efforts to calm my nerves and stop the blackouts seemed to be working, Mark and I agreed to go to the therapist, but we were skeptical. We secretly wondered if we’d even be seeing a real sport psychologist, or just some celebrity version.

The Doctor Will See You Now

Despite our reservations, Mark and I headed off to therapy. I had never seen a psychologist before. My plan was to play it smart. I was going to give the producers something they could use for my video package, but I had no intentions of actually revealing anything deeply personal about myself while the world watched. My guard was way up.

Mark and I plopped onto the couch in a very small therapy office. We were sitting side by side, but we weren’t exactly cozy. There was probably a foot or more of space between us. As close as Mark and I had grown in friendship over the past two months, it was weird to be sitting in therapy with someone that was still pretty new to my life. We had to chuckle at the reality of what reality television can bring you to do. The therapist sitting across from us was Dr. Jenn Mann, formerly known as Dr. Jenn Berman, an accomplished psychotherapist and sport psychology consultant who also has her own TV show on VH1.
Great,
I thought disappointedly,
we are seeing a celebrity doctor,
and any expectation or hope of the session actually helping went out the door.

Three would have been a crowd in that small space, but we still had all of the cameras and producers to cram in. There was a camera on the therapist, one on Mark, one on me, and one tasked with getting a wide shot of Mark and me together. An operator manned each of the four cameras and two producers joined us. In case you lost count, that meant that nine people were in the room where I was supposed to pour my heart out. This wasn’t exactly private practice!

All of that solidified my plan to protect myself. I didn’t want to expose anything while the whole world watched. (At least it
felt
like the whole world was watching!) It wasn’t that I was hiding any big secrets, but I was definitely leery of oversharing. I wanted to be honest, but I didn’t want to fillet myself out there for everyone to pick apart.

The session started with typical therapist questions like you hear in movies. Picture me on a couch responding to, “How does that make you feel?”

I answered honestly, but she kept digging for mommy and daddy issues. I put an end to that pretty quickly, telling her, “You’re not going to find anything there!” I knew that if she went burrowing through the closets of my childhood, she wouldn’t find any skeletons. No childhood is perfect, but I grew up in a loving and supportive home. It didn’t matter how deep she dug, I knew she wouldn’t discover anything different.

She seemed to pivot and started asking about my experience as a child actor. At first, I gave her very surface answers. But she kept prodding and eventually she found a soft spot. My tough exterior started to crack when Dr. Jenn honed in on my deep fear of disappointing others. I’m sure you’ve picked up on the fact that I care about what others think of me—sometimes too much. In that cramped therapy office, with cameras zoomed in on my face watching my every move, I started to understand why. Dr. Jenn said, “Even though you’ve been acting your whole life, the kids who tend to do really well as actors growing up, tend to be more ‘type A’ kids who are perfectionists. Do you feel you have those types of perfectionist traits?” And I answered, “Not when it comes to my personal life, like being a friend, mom, or wife. But when it comes to work and my performance, yes I think I am a perfectionist.” The roots of my need to please go back to my job as a child actor. Impressing others was the gig. I learned my lines and I performed my little heart out, always with the goal of hearing the director say, “Well done, Candace. That was great. You were amazing!”

I wanted the producers to give me a pat on the back. I wanted my mom and dad to say “great job.” Not because of any pressures that any one person put on me, but just because of the nature of the work, my childhood became very performance based. My singular focus was to do a good job.

Let me stop right here and say that this is not the lament of another child actor, bemoaning life in the spotlight. Just because there was pressure associated with being a child actor, doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy it. I loved every minute of it! Some child actors are bitter about having to perform at that level so young. I’m not. I wouldn’t change my childhood for something more typical, but there’s no denying it molded who I am. Even as a little girl, I learned to like a job well done. I want to please whomever I’m working for or have a relationship with. When that doesn’t happen or I feel like I’ve disappointed someone in my world, I tend to take it harder than most.

Repeating Life Lessons

None of this was groundbreaking. Learning to temper my fear of man was an overarching theme throughout my
DWTS
journey, but these lessons were so tough I needed to learn them over and over again. Sure, it would be great to figure it out once and be done with it, but learning rarely happens that way.

This certainly wasn’t the first time that I needed some extra “tutoring” to grasp a difficult lesson. Let’s flash back to middle school for a minute. Math has always been hard for me. I remember taking Algebra in eighth grade and having to relearn some basic math skills like simple multiplication and division. My schooling was unusual while I worked on
Full House
, combining some classes in public school with a private tutor on set, so I somehow missed some math basics in sixth and seventh grade that prevented me from understanding and moving forward in algebra. Not to mention, numbers just hurt my brain! I’m much more naturally suited for creative thinking. It felt like a massive task to pass Algebra I. I struggled through every problem and formula. I dreaded it, but I put in the hours relearning basic math skills so that I could then try to wrap my brain around new concepts. It was tedious, but with the help of my set teacher, I was able to pass the class and move on to Algebra II.

The stakes were higher now. I wasn’t learning algebra, I was learning how to compete on the biggest platform I’d ever been on, but the process was the same. Laying down my need to please, avoiding the trap set by fear of man, and letting myself off the hook of perfection didn’t come naturally. But I had to learn those basic life skills in order to move on. Dr. Jenn was my tutor and I was suddenly ready to learn.

We started discussing my need to please and the dam of tears I was determined to hold back broke. Mentally I was kicking myself because the cameras were rolling, but I couldn’t help but share because I was suddenly thinking about old issues in brand-new ways.

“This is about you letting go of your insecurities. This is about you letting go of what other people think. This is about you learning to accept your imperfections. If you don’t do that, this week will be your last dance.” As Dr. Jenn said those words, the floodgates of tears couldn’t be stopped.

Let me reiterate that I love my mom and dad. They are wonderful parents who gave me a blessed childhood, but as we started talking more about the issues of confidence and expectations, I realized that in our house mediocrity was okay, sometimes even encouraged as long as it kept things steady. Boldness and confidence wasn’t something that was modeled frequently; instead keeping life within the boundaries of consistency was. During my early days as an actress, my dad would say things like, “Why would you want to choose such a difficult career path? There are hundreds of girls competing for the same thing as you, many of whom are even more talented. You’re always going to be disappointed when you don’t get the part. Why do that to yourself?”