Dancing with Molly (20 page)

I got so bored today that I tried to play my clarinet, but I couldn't get into it. I put it back in the case, and shoved it into the back of my closet. For the last three hours, I've been lying here, staring at the ceiling. It's like I can't get into anything.
Not playing, not reading, not even Candy Crush. Nothing's fun anymore. Even writing this is making me bored. It's five o'clock and sunny as anything outside. I can hear kids playing down the street, shrieking and laughing. I don't think I've ever felt so sad.

I miss my friends. I miss school. I can't even believe it's summer. Somewhere out there people are swimming. They're at the beach, they're having barbecues, they're going to concerts. I miss having something to do other than listen to fucking Soul Patch and hear my parents sigh. I don't think I can do this much longer. I really don't.

Okay, this has been the weirdest day. I don't even know where to start. But my parents let me out of the house. Alone. I know. I couldn't even believe it. It was mostly my father, really. He took pity on me. He said he couldn't take my sad face anymore. And I guess he can tell I'm not some crazed addict, since I haven't had a hit of molly in over two weeks and I haven't started seizing or tried to kill anyone for drug money. Anyway, Jess called and asked him if I could come over, and he said yes. Later she told me she actually dropped the phone.

So, okay. Before I left, he told me I was to go straight to Jess's and come straight home and that, of course, I wasn't to touch drugs or alcohol. He said he was trusting me. And then he gave me the car keys.

Woo-hoo! I'd never been so excited in my whole life. I swear, driving over to Jess's, everything looked different. It was all brighter and sharper somehow. I felt like I'd just come out of a coma or something.

Anyway, the first thing Jess did after hugging me for like five minutes was tell me that Kelly's friend Jasmine was having a party. Her parents were out of town and she had a pool with a swirly slide and everything, and I was like, I'm in. She only lives five minutes away and swimming seemed like an awesome idea. I'd worn a bathing suit under my clothes so we could lie out in the backyard, so I was good to go.

When we got there, it was totally clear that half the people at the party were rolling. People were making out in the pool or chasing one another around the yard with these huge bubble wands, popping monster bubbles with their tongues. One guy on a lounge chair was rubbing lotion onto a girl's back and looked like he was in heaven. Everyone was having so much fun, but I felt this odd prickle in the back of my throat. I mean, I knew it was safe and that if I popped some molly I'd have an
awesome time—a time that might even make up for my last two-plus weeks of incarceration—but I'd promised my dad. He was trusting me. Maybe we shouldn't have left Jess's house after all.

Kelly spotted us from across the pool and came running over. She gave Jess a big, fat kiss and then threw her arms around me yelling that she thought she'd never see me again. Then she dragged us both into the plush basement and over to the bar, where a guy with spiky green hair was cutting molly.

You guys are in, right? Say you're in! Kelly cheered.

There was a mirror over the bar and I caught a glimpse of two old people on the couch behind us. I flinched around. They weren't crazy, grandparent old, but they were at least my parents' age. And they were sitting on the couch in bathing suits, sliding their hands up and down each other's bare legs and arms, their eyes wide and unfocused like they were in ecstasy.

I thought you said her parents weren't going to be here, I said, totally freaked.

Oh, those aren't her parents. That dude is Jasmine's supplier, and I guess that's his girlfriend or whatever, Kelly said. His shit is good.

The two adults started making out, him pressing her back onto the couch. Something about those two going at it made me
sick to my stomach, but I also couldn't look away. It was kind of like a train wreck. The first time I'd been out of my house and away from my warden parents and all I could think about was getting out of here and going home.

You want? The green-haired guy asked, holding out a tiny, expertly prepared bag of molly to me. Jess and Kelly were already holding theirs. I looked in the mirror. The man was untying his girlfriend's bathing suit.

Yeah. I want.

I took the bag and downed it with an entire bottle of water, then grabbed my friends' arms and pulled them back outside. No way did I want to watch the over-the-hill sex show anymore. I dove right into the pool and let the cool water envelop me. It felt so good I suddenly realized I probably could have gone without the drugs. Everything felt good to me after being locked up. Just breathing the fresh air, feeling the sun on my face, hearing my friends' voices. But it was too late now. The drugs were already working their way into my system. And before long, I started to feel them. At one point, I emerged from the water and there was a crazy glow around the sun. I knew I was rolling.

I got out of the pool and found a towel, which I laid down on the grass, letting the warmth of the sun coat my body. My skin tingled everywhere, and suddenly I wished like anything
that Carson was there, but my parents hadn't given me back my phone, so I couldn't even text him to come over. I lifted my head to look around for Jess, and realized she was right beside me, making out with Kelly like a madwoman. I laughed and lay back down again. Huge bubbles floated past my face, making rainbows across the sky. I'd never seen anything so beautiful.

Before long I felt someone caressing the skin on my arm, and it felt sooo good. I looked over, and it was Kelly. She was still making out with Jess, but she was stroking my arm. I laughed, wondering if she even realized she was touching the wrong girl. Then she kind of rolled off Jess and cuddled up next to me, saying my skin was so soft. She kissed my neck, and it felt so good just to be touched. Before I knew it, Jess was kissing my neck on the other side. I kept giggling, and they kind of made a game of it, seeing who could make me laugh the hardest. Then they sat up again and started kissing each other right over me, making a bridge over my belly. I watched them, and Jess's hair trailed on my skin, setting every particle on fire. After a while I closed my eyes, and they eventually went back to toying with my skin, playing with my fingers and toes like I was their personal toy. It was fun and silly and chill, and every moment of it felt so very good.

Now, as I'm writing this, I'm glad that's as far as it went. I know from experience how things can get out of control, and I love Jess, but I don't want to kiss her on the mouth or do anything else like that with her. I think it would mess with our friendship. It's a little weird that she was kissing my neck, I guess, but not really. I've done more than that with other girls.

The two things that are freaking me out are: 1) the fact that I lied straight to my father's face when I got home tonight. I made up this whole story about how we ordered pizza and watched old videos of us from when we were little. I don't even know where all the details came from, but they just did, and he believed me.

No drugs? he said.

No drugs, I told him.

I didn't even blink. And every time I think about it, I feel icky and twisted inside. But why? I just totally proved my point. I can do molly and be totally fine and not let things get out of hand. I can do it and then come home and be totally normal. So why do I feel like I've done something really, really wrong?

2) I can't get that older couple out of my head. They were my parents' age, yet they thought it was perfectly cool to spend
a summer Saturday rolling with a bunch of teenagers. I keep imagining that it was my parents, and every time I do, I start to heave. I wonder if they have kids. I wonder if their kids knew what they were doing today.

Every time I think about it, I shudder. Honestly, those people may have ruined molly for me. Ugh.

Oh my god, Carson is here! We're going out to dinner! I can't believe he talked my parents into it, but he did! He kept saying, Just dinner, I swear. He apologized up and down about the Flaming Daisy Carnival and even told them he really cared about me and wouldn't let anything happen to me. My parents said it was fine, but I have to text them every half hour and update them on where we are and what we're doing. Ugh. But whatever. I'll do anything to spend a night with Carson. I feel like my life is finally getting back to normal. Okay, I have to go. Just wanted to write quickly how HAPPY I AM!!!!!

OMG, it hurts. . . . It hurts, and they won't tell me where Carson is. I can't I can't I can't.

Carson is in a coma. They won't let me see him. I'm on some kind of psychiatric hold in the hospital. My mom says they're worried I might try to kill myself.

I don't even know where to start.

Carson and I went out to Aldo's, that Italian restaurant where my dad takes my mom on their anniversary. It was so nice I felt out of place, even in my good black skirt. But it didn't matter, because Carson was wearing a blue jacket and a white shirt looking like he was going to the Grammys or something. His beauty totally made up for my lack thereof. He broke the ice with the waiter when he ordered a bottle of their finest cola, and after that, I relaxed. It was just so nice to be out. To be with him. To see him again. I felt like the last few weeks had been some horrible nightmare and now I was back where I should be.

Then he got a text. He looked at it and put it back in his pocket. I asked who it was, but he wouldn't tell me. He got another one, and I started to get suspicious. Was he seeing someone else? I felt hot all around my neck and under my arms. When the third text came in, he said he'd turn his phone off, but I made him show me the phone. All the texts were from Reid. He was at a party and wanted us to come. You've never seen so much good shit, the text said. With four exclamation points.
The shit he was referring to, of course, was drugs.

My mouth actually started to water. The party with Jess and Kelly was a little weird with the parental rollers and all, but I wanted to do molly with Carson again. I knew that if I did, it would make the icky feeling from yesterday go away.

Let's go, I said to Carson. He said no way. He told me tonight was just about being with me, and he didn't want to betray my parents' trust. I laughed. Screw my parents. They had kept me locked in my room like a caged animal for DAYS. And if he wanted to be with me, why not be with me on molly so we could really relax? It took a lot of convincing, but finally he said okay. Anything for you, he said.

Oh, god. It kills me now, just writing that. Anything for me. We'd gone there for me. It was my idea. I'd pushed it. And now. . . . Oh my god, what if he doesn't wake up? What if he . . .

I can't.

Okay, so I grinned and kissed him right there over our pasta dishes. I texted my parents that we were about to order our second course, and Carson asked for the check.

The party was in the woods off the hiking trail where dad used to take us as kids. There were dozens of people there, and everyone was completely high by the time we arrived. Reid was jumping up and down and bouncing around like a jumping
bean. He'd taken off his T-shirt and tied it around his head. When he saw us, he threw his arms around us and kissed us both on the mouth. He tasted like beer and tuna fish.

Carson just laughed. Reid's pupils almost covered the blue in his eyes. My skin prickled. I wanted to feel as good as he did, though hopefully not look as stupid.

Where's the molly? I asked.

Reid dragged us over to this guy sitting at the base of a huge oak tree. Two girls were lying next to him, one with her head on his thigh while he turned the other way and put together pouches of molly. He was big and really fat and he had a black leather vest on over a white T-shirt that was stained and rising up to expose his belly. For a split second everything felt wrong. Who was this guy? We didn't know if his molly was safe, and there was no one here to test it. But then, all of a sudden, Carson shouted, Is that Big Dave?!

The guy looked up and smiled, and the two of them slapped hands. Carson told me that Big Dave used to coach his little league soccer team and still lives down the street from his house. I relaxed a little after that. If Carson knew him, he couldn't be a bad guy.

Big Dave handed us pouches of molly and bottled water. Carson paid him. When he handed the money over, Dave held his hand for an extra minute, and I could tell he was passing
Carson something. I should have asked what it was, but I didn't. I didn't want to sound like the drug police or something. Besides, all I could think about was getting high as fast as possible because the party was crazy. People were half dressed and moshing, and there was a fire in the middle of the clearing. It all looked vaguely
Lord of the Flies
-ish, and I had a feeling it would be a lot more enjoyable once the molly kicked in.

Which it was. Carson and I were slow dancing in the middle of all the crazies when I felt my brain go light and the flames of the fire went blue and purple and green. I leaned my head against his chest and heard his heart pounding over the electronic drums in the music. He buried his hands in my hair and massaged my head and the feeling of my own hair rubbing my scalp was like a million fingers tickling my skin. When he tipped my head back and kissed me, it was like our lips were exploding together into a million prickling particles of energy.

I saw Carson down a second hit of molly and asked if he had more. He gave me another, and after that everything just got more and more intense. Suddenly I started feeling jittery. It was like my whole body was vibrating. Someone slammed into me from behind. I shoved back, and shoving felt good. It felt, for a second, like the crazy energy inside of me had a release. But then, it was back. My jaw clenched and my eyes were shaking.
Someone knocked me from behind, and I rammed my shoulder into their back. Then someone else shoved me, and I hit the ground on my ass. I looked up, and all I saw were flailing limbs and closed eyes and fire. Then I saw Carson, downing another hit of molly.