She nodded and stayed where she was while he shoved it into his pocket and completed his sweep. Weird, to know someone might be listening to them right now, but she had nothing to hide, and if it kept her safer, she was all for it.
The two-way radio chirped from the kitchen. Wade went to answer it, spoke to the security guy on the other end, then called out to her. “Pizza guy’s on his way up the driveway.”
It was a long driveway, so she probably had another minute or two before he got to the door. She jumped up to grab her purse on the entry table by the front door, but Wade surprised her by taking her upper arm in one big hand to stop her. “Stay in the kitchen. I’ll get this.”
She did as he said, hating that her stomach was in knots over a pizza delivery. Even though she knew Wade was just being cautious, it was a grim reminder that her life wasn’t her own right now, and wouldn’t be for a long while yet. Once the pizza guy left, Wade called for her to come out. She brought the plates and napkins she’d gathered and set it all on the coffee table.
Wade placed the two large pizza boxes on top of a newspaper and raised a teasing eyebrow at her. “Hungry?”
“Starving, and I wasn’t sure how much you’d eat, so I decided to err on the safe side.”
“Back in a sec.” He strode past her to the powder room near the foot of the stairs and a moment later the toilet flushed. “They won’t hear anything from that one now,” he said as he came back out and joined her, sitting cross-legged on the floor across from her rather than on the couch. “Can’t guarantee I’ve found everything though, so just make sure you don’t say anything you don’t want overheard and recorded for analysis.”
“I won’t.” Feeling uncomfortable with being perched on the couch while he sat at her feet, she started to slide off it but he stayed her with an upraised hand and a shake of his head.
“No, stay up there. I’m just more comfortable on the floor.”
Okay, then.
She watched him as they ate. He had to be as hungry as she was, but he took his time chewing each bite, as though savoring the pizza. And she guessed he was, after not having any for that long. “Good?”
“Weird,” he replied, almost to himself, and when he didn’t elaborate, Erin got busy demolishing half of the Hawaiian she’d ordered. She was halfway through her fourth piece when she glanced up to find him watching her with a hint of amusement burning in that dark stare.
She flushed and swallowed her mouthful. “Told you I was starving.”
“Yeah, you did. Glad you’re enjoying it.” His lips twitched and she couldn’t help but notice how full and soft they looked in the midst of that hard face. What kind of a kisser would he be? Rough and urgent? Or slow and seductive? Both possibilities made her insides flutter. His mouth and those big strong hands were insanely sexy.
She would have enjoyed something else besides pizza much more, but knew if she made a move that Wade would either shoot her down or avoid her during the rest of their stay, so she settled for finishing off the slice of pizza instead. He’d only eaten one, she noticed, and half of another. The remnants of the second sat on his plate, untouched. “You don’t like it?” she asked with a frown. Surely he needed more than that to feel full.
He shrugged. “It was okay. I’m just not used to eating anything this heavy anymore, so I figure I’d better see how it settles first.”
She should have thought of that. “Oh. Sorry, I—”
He waved her apology away. “Don’t worry about it. There’s plenty of other stuff in the fridge I can eat if I get hungry later.”
She remembered the way he’d stopped and gazed around the grocery store when they’d first entered it. At first she’d been sure it was just his way of being vigilant, but then she’d realized he must be reacquainting himself with the overflowing cornucopia that was the American supermarket. He hadn’t seemed overwhelmed, more like he’d been seeing everything with fresh eyes. It was a reminder for her to be thankful for the little things, the everyday conveniences she and most people took for granted. This had to be a huge adjustment for him.
Swallowing the last bite of pizza, she wiped her hands and face on the paper napkin and tilted her head. “So…how long were you undercover?”
When he didn’t answer right away, instead lifting his mug for a sip of what had to be cold coffee by now, she thought he would ignore the question. But then he lowered his mug and responded. “Technically four years total.”
Wow. A helluva long time to be cut off from everything and everyone. She chose her next question carefully before speaking. There were so many things she wanted to know, but she knew he either couldn’t or wouldn’t tell her most of them. She had to be careful not to be too pushy or he’d shut down, and that was the last thing she wanted. Considering they’d been forced into this situation together, he’d been nothing but considerate so far, and she found she enjoyed his company. He made her feel safe, and while they still had moments when they both felt awkward around each other, things were going pretty smoothly for the most part.
“And while you were undercover, that’s when you met…you know,” she continued, aware she was risking going too far.
A slight tension stiffened his shoulders, but he nodded. “Right.”
She was dying to know more, could barely hold the questions back. “He captured my roommate, Maya, along with Jackson and the Sec Def.”
Wade nodded and looked down at the coffee table. A thickening silence spread through the room and she knew she risked alienating him if she pressed any more. Her statement hung heavy in the air as the seconds ticked past.
Just when she thought he’d get up and make some excuse to leave the room, he surprised her by sighing and running a hand through his longish hair. He raised his dark eyes to hers, stared for a moment as though he was trying to come to a decision. “You’re gonna find out anyway, so since you’re involved in all this because of me, I’d rather you hear it from me instead of somebody else.”
Erin tucked her feet beneath her and folded her hands in her lap, aware of the way her stomach tightened at his warning tone. “Okay.”
He folded his arms across his chest, the gesture and his expression resigned, almost defensive. “I worked with Rahim.”
She felt her eyes go wide. “
With
him?”
He nodded, his face set. “Closely.”
“How closely?”
A long, tense pause. “I started out as his bodyguard and for the past two years served as his second-in-command.”
Erin’s mouth fell open. She didn’t want to believe it. She stared at him, feeling as though she’d never seen him before as the implications slammed home. “But that means…that means you would have known about…”
Another nod, this one tight, defiant. “I was there when Maya and the others were being held captive.”
The pizza she’d just inhaled seemed to turn into a ball of concrete in her stomach. She wrapped her arms around her middle and stared at him, heart thudding at the implications embedded in those words. “You were there?” she said hoarsely. “You saw what they did to her and you didn’t do anything?”
He lowered his gaze. “Not initially.”
So he’d stood back and watched her be tortured? Erin had seen the damage her friend had sustained. She felt sick knowing that Wade had been there and hadn’t stopped it. She swallowed, suddenly not feeling so safe with him anymore.
Wade traced a line in the wooden table with one long finger, avoiding her gaze. “The CIA was waiting for the final bits of intel on other major players involved with Rahim’s network before I could call in a team to bring him down. I was nearing the critical point in the last op when the attack on the Sec Def happened. One of Rahim’s underlings had organized it. And when I saw him in that cell, I knew it was all over.”
Erin waited for him to continue, for him to say something that would reassure her he was the decent man she’d thought him to be and not some cold-hearted bastard who put his reputation before American lives. Her hands curled into fists against her ribcage.
“I couldn’t interfere right away without blowing my cover. The prisoners were all in pretty bad shape, Maya and the Sec Def especially. Because of the severity of the Sec Def’s condition, I already knew my mission and cover were compromised. I contacted my handler. When the cell leader forced them into a game of Russian roulette, I took all the bullets out of the revolver when he wasn’t looking then set up a diversion.”
Russian roulette? As in, forced them to put a gun to their heads and pull the trigger to find out if the chamber was loaded or not? Erin unwrapped her arms from around herself and put her hands over her mouth, horrified by what he was saying, by what Maya and the others had endured.
“Once I did that there was no going back, so I did what I had to do and helped them escape back to friendly lines.”
She swallowed again, the surge of relief so strong it made her feel queasy. He’d been the one to get them out. He’d saved them. But the sick feeling that remained in her gut was because she understood exactly what he
wasn’t
saying. “So you mean if not for the Sec Def, you would have…”
Left them all there
.
The words echoed between them in the sudden stillness.
To his credit, Wade didn’t squirm or try to deny the silent accusation. Instead he nodded once, his jaw flexing beneath the dark covering of whiskers as he met her stare unflinchingly. “Yeah,” he said in a low voice.
In the silence that followed his admission, Wade waited for Erin to react. He was ready for her to leap up and run from the room, prepared at least for her eyes to turn cold and a look of horror and loathing to steal over her face. But none of those things happened.
She merely sat there staring at him, weighing him for the longest moment, then nodded once. “Okay, I get why you did it.”
Of all the things she could’ve said, that was the last thing he’d ever expected to hear coming out of her mouth.
She rubbed her palms over the thighs of her jeans, glanced down at her hands. “That must have been hard on you. Living that way for so long, I mean.” She shook her head as if she had trouble imagining it.
Wade wasn’t sure what to say to that, but he knew some sort of response was required so he cleared his throat and tried to think of something to say. “It was my job. And it wasn’t all bad. There are things about living in Afghanistan that I loved. Aspects of the culture like the hospitality, living a simpler life than we do here, unplugging from everything. Many of the teachings in Islam. But mostly it was the villagers I got to know. They were good, hardworking people.” He’d probably always miss those things, the friends he’d made there.
Erin raised her head, searched his eyes. She wasn’t looking at him like he was a monster. No, she was looking at him as though she understood why he’d made the choices he had, though that was impossible, because who the hell could understand him and what he’d done? “I’m really glad you got them out, though,” she added in a quiet voice. “No matter why.”
Something eased in his chest. A pressure he hadn’t even been aware of before now. He didn’t want to like her more than he already did, but how could he not after those answers? “Me too.” He was. When the specters from his past came back to haunt him in the years ahead, at least he had that to help balance the scales.
“Do you have any family?” she asked, watching him curiously. “I mean, that kind of work, for that long… It had to be really hard on your family.”
“I’ve got an older brother and a younger sister.”
“No parents?”
He shook his head. “They died in a car accident when I was sixteen.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.” She bit her lip, seemed to hesitate before continuing. “Do you still keep in touch with your siblings?”
“Not since going undercover.” He knew how that must sound to her, when she was so close to her parents. But the truth was, in many ways, the undercover work had been a relief. An escape and a challenge, all rolled into one. “I was pretty tight with my sister, growing up. It’ll be good to see her again when this is all over.” Lot of lost ground to make up between them though. He wasn’t sure why he was telling Erin this when he’d never told anyone else. Well, yes he did. Erin was kind and caring, and he’d already lied to her about so much he needed to at least be honest with her about whatever he could. And, she was so non-judgmental he actually felt relieved to tell her all this.
Rather than end the conversation or make some excuse to leave, she settled back into the corner of the couch and stretched her legs out, making herself more comfortable. He liked that she seemed relaxed with him again. “So before you started working for the CIA, what did you do? Something in the military?”
“Army.”
The hint of a smile played at the corners of her mouth. “Not
just
Army though, right?”
“No.” What the hell. Wouldn’t hurt to tell her this part of it. “I did nine years in SF.”
“Ah. That explains your fluency in Pashto and ability to blend in with the locals.”
He inclined his head. “Yeah.” He still dreamed in Pashto. Most of his inner dialogue was in it too. He’d spent so much of his adult life in Afghanistan, it felt familiar and comfortable to him.
“Any other languages?”
She was fishing for information, but in such an adorable, inoffensive way he couldn’t help but answer just to keep her talking. If she was an interrogator, he’d be screwed. “Urdu.”
“Of course,” she murmured, almost to herself. “And when did you join the Army?”
“Right out of high school.” Mostly so he could get as far away from his hard-ass brother and find adventure someplace far removed from the ranches he’d worked since his parents died. He’d found adventure, all right. And nightmares, too. “You?” he asked when she kept looking at him.
She shrugged. “I did a year of college after high school, but hated it and wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. There’s a strong tradition of service in my family so I looked into the medical training I could get in the Army and decided to sign up.”
“And this was your third tour at Bagram?”
“In four years,” she said with a weary sigh. “Not gonna lie, I was ready for a break.”