Darden's Pursuit of Happiness: Darden and Willow (3 page)

              Darden walked her to University Towers and rode the elevator up to the 10
th
floor. While in the elevator he pulled her close and wrapped his arms around her. They walked to her apartment down at the end of the hallway. He asked for her key and opened the door for her.

              “We need to talk.  Specifically, I want to talk about us.  I want there to be an ‘us‘.”

              “I am sorry but there can’t be an ‘us’, not ever. That door was slammed shut by you, Darden, three years ago. I am certainly not going to fall into your arms just because you say so or that you announce that now you’re ready. Have you forgotten, I can’t offer a man what he will eventually want the most? Better yet, do you even want forever or am I just the flavor of the moment. Remember, I heard those women hurry you off the phone.  Do you think I am so naïve that I didn’t know what was really going on?  Don’t try and play me for a fool!”

“I honestly want to explore the possibility of a relationship. Obviously, you have changed. Yes I came here thinking I would call all the shots. And you would be accommodating as usual.  I hadn’t counted on you becoming this beautiful young woman who knew her own mind. How was I to know?  But, I want to take the time to get to know you.”

              “And what if the person you are getting to know isn’t who you thought you wanted.  Will you leave again and make sure you keep your distance?” Willow shook her head. “I am not willing to waste my time trying to figure it out.”

              “Would matter if I said I loved you since before I went off to Amherst?” Willow’s heart beat faster. But, her mind screamed for her not to believe him.

              “Then you have a helluva a way of showing it. Oh, that’s right avoidance equals love. What you say or have to say doesn’t matter not one iota.”

              “Then does it matter if I told you I know you love me.  That you have always loved me.” 

              “That’s where you are wrong.  I stopped loving you not long after I started school here.  Sean told you himself that we were developing a relationship.”  Willow was a bit too smug.

              Darden grinned, “He also said he hadn’t touched you. That means nothing intimate not even a kiss. I suspect it means you can’t bring yourself to be with him in that way. I think I am the only man you can be with intimately.”  Darden eased himself out of the chair in one fluid motion.  He walked over to her and tilted her chin upwards for a soul thrilling kiss.  He pulled her closer and her body automatically sagged against him. She placed her hand on the nape of his neck. She joined in on the kiss and began participating in the kiss instead of being a kissed.  This time she had no intention of coming up for air. She planned to drown in the kiss. When Darden’s arms tightened around her, her knees almost buckled. He was too good at this.  She had to pull back.  She felt like she was addicted or being drugged or something. Her hands moved to his shoulders for support. She again tried to pull her mouth away and his tongue snaked out to lick her lips.

He whispered, “I love you,” against her parted lips and then dove in for another mind blowing kiss.  Willow knew it was now or never to extract herself from his kiss and then his arms. She pushed her body away from him.  Breathing heavily she walked as far away from him as she could. 

             
“
I think you should leave.” Darden was breathing heavily himself and was making no move to leave. 

              “I know more about you than you think I do.  For starters, two weeks ago on Thursday you argued a question that you felt was worded in a misleading way, that there could have been two correct answers.  You argued it beautifully and your grade was changed from a B to an A. Why would I know that if I didn’t care about you . . . if I didn’t love you?”

              “I know about every male who has ever approached you.  You never went to a fraternity party not even Gamma Pi’s.  You never went to anything where people might be drinking alcoholic beverages and you always made sure to be in you dorm room or apartment before 9 pm.  I know most males in your Gamma Pi fraternity see you as an ice princess, a hard nut to crack.  You keep yourself apart from the other females and their antics.  Never realizing for some men that they see you as a challenge, a mountain they want to climb.  Something they want to keep for themselves.  I even discovered many don’t even know where exactly you live.  They know you live in the Towers but not the floor or the apartment. You are intensely private.”

              “Apparently, not private enough, how do you know all of this?”

              “Although, I tried, I just couldn’t let you go. I knew I needed to get myself together and reconcile many things for myself where you were concerned. I know I was a fool, a damned fool in fact for letting you walk out of my life . . . no really if I were to be honest, I forced you out.  When you were the one person I needed most.”

              “You didn’t need nor want me. You made that painfully clear. Now with that said please leave. I have many things to do in order to get ready for classes. Please don’t come back.”

              “I intend to date you and woo you as well as a whole helluva lot more.  One day you will realize that you are mine and you have always been mine and no other man can make you feel the way I can.” Darden slowly walked toward her and soon Willow realized she had backed herself into a corner. Darden slid his hands around her waist.  And without another word he kissed her until he was supporting her weight and his own. He abruptly released her and left her panting.  He steadied her and then turned to leave without, as much as a goodbye.

            
 
How am I supposed to feel?  What am I supposed to think? After all this time he just waltzes back into my life? Well, that isn’t exactly the situation, either. We maintained contact but not visual or physical contact? How the hell am I supposed to feel?  Everything I thought I knew had been turned on its head.  Does he think he is playing head games?  I have watched enough relationships start up and fall apart to know better. I have watched the games people play with each other.  I have watched men on the sidelines looking for a way to get into the game. Yet, Darden doesn’t behave like he is waiting to get into the game.  He behaves like he has been on the field all the time but just gone unnoticed. Better yet he behaves like he is in the skybox calling plays.

              On one hand I could feel flattered after all, he is one fine male.  Actually he has become too male.  What happened to my sweet, sensitive, Darden?  In his quest for knowledge did he lose sight of himself?  Whatever gave me the impression he was mine to begin with? He has never been mine. That summer while I was recuperating we got up early every morning to help me regain my strength. We spent very little time having lunch together. We weren’t spending any other part of the day together, especially, while his friends were present. We just weren’t included. He often left his previous night’s conquest in his bed.  And we were often returned back to the cottage before they ever got out of the bed.  It was like he was somehow ashamed of me. So how could he claim to love me when he occupied himself with other women right in front of me? I must have been out of my mind to fall in love with him. What kind of man has other women but claims to love one of them? I am going drive myself crazy trying to figure that one out.

              On the other hand I am mad as hell at myself.  Here I have kept myself apart.  Saving myself for whom? Who am I fooling I couldn’t be saving myself for anyone. I can’t be with anyone.  I can’t stand to be touched.  I can’t even get a manicure. I can’t even go to church for that portion in Mass when they want you to shake hands.  I can’t even do that.  I am afraid to go to any parties because in variably someone will want to slow dance with me or hand me a cup. I am a mess inside.  I want seek the help I need to get over this.  Yet, if Darden touches me I am fine.  I love his touch, I crave it.  What I wouldn’t do to be in his arms right now.  But, with Darden how could I saddle him in a relationship when I don’t know if I can be intimate.

              After my unceremonious treatment three years ago, how could I even think I should risk my heart, yet again?  And for how long this time? Just the summer? The sixteen weeks of fall term? He must be out of his mind to think I would consider such a thing. Here, I am considering just that.  Well, I might as well make up my mind and stand firm that I won’t be considering a relationship with Darden.  Maybe it is time to consider a real relationship with Sean. So how are you going to do that? People in relationships touch.  Yet, every time Sean touches you, you practically run for the hills or more like the bathroom to vomit. This is ridiculous! I have to get over this.  I have to reach out to him first. Take a deep breath and work toward a relationship.  Sean has been a nice guy and he has been very patient.  I should really give him the chance he deserves.  I will have to set some ground rules.  Yes that is it. And then we need to move very slowly.  Yeah right, what kind of guy is going to move slowly?  What am I thinking?  Darden has woken me up to the fact that I would like a man in my life. Jeez, Sean and I will just need to talk.

              “Hello, Sean?  It’s me Willow.  How are you?” Willow sat down on her pale blue and beige stripped sofa. She immediately grabbed a matching pillow and hugged it.  She often hugged her pillow to calm herself down and work through any problems that arose.  After first she did it to feel close to Darden. Then she did it to maintain her confidence level and keep her voice even while on the phone with others.

              “Hello, Willow.  I am doing as well as can be expected? What do you need?” Sean is still sort of pissed off about Darden walking off with Willow. Damn he did it so very easily. Sean paced his apartment like a wild tiger.  He was walking very slowly trying to keep his anger at a simmer.

              “I don’t need anything. I would like to invite you to breakfast.” Willow was hoping he would say yes. A yes, would mean she could put her game plan into action. She needed him to help her get over her past and get over Darden in the hopes they could find each other and have a long term relationship.  That could prepare her for either an ongoing relationship with Sean or any other man who struck her fancy.  Those are mighty big words and ideas but she needed to make it happen.  It was past time for her to do this.

              “Where do you want to meet?” She will probably answer, Café Royale as usual. Or maybe we can leave the campus and go to Panera. I love Panera.  Alright let’s get back focused. Oh shit, did she say something?

              “Here in my apartment.”  Willow hoped that inviting him to her apartment would show she meant business. She wanted Sean to feel special as he has never been invited and she was sure he knew no one else has ever been invited. She wanted Sean to know that she wanted to explore the possibilities of a relationship and she was serious. She wanted all that to be conveyed to him in the invitation.

              Sean wasn’t even sure he heard her correctly. “Are you serious? No one has ever been to your place before?  Is that really what you want?” Shut up, Sean you are about to ruin this prime opportunity. He ran his fingers through his hair. 

              “Yes, it is what I want.”  Why was he asking all these questions?  Hadn’t she just said so?  Hadn’t she also just said to him earlier that she wasn’t going to date him?  He must think she is a lunatic. I have to press on and convince him otherwise. It is paramount.  I sound like a teen desperate to lose her virginity.  I need to calm down.  Take a deep breath but don’t blow it out over the phone.  Count to ten and release.

              “May I ask what this sudden change is about?” Jeez, Sean you are really a glutton for punishment.  Just go with it while the getting is good. Stop asking all these stupid ass questions just give the lady what she wants. Remember she called you. So she must want to invite me.  But, why all of a sudden, after all this time?  Good ol’ Darden must have fucked up, and tried to push her around or make demands. Sean McAllister smirked for the first time today. Yeah, I bet he screwed up big time.

              “I think I would like …” Why am I stutter stepping with saying what I have to say? Take it easy.  He is used to your straight forwardness.  Take a deep breath and again count to ten and just let it out.

                   “You think you would like to what?”  God, I hope she is going to say what I need her to say.  I so desperately want her to say.  Damn, I am feeling a little light headed from all this hoping and wishing I need to sit down.

              “I would like to explore the possibility of a relationship with you, provided that you are still interested? I know I have some issues to work out but if we could work on them together it might be better for both of us.” 

              Sean bolts off his sofa.  He can’t believe it. “What about your friend Darden?” Why are you bringing him up? I need to know, how does he figure into all of this? That is why I am asking. Hell, I know he wants to be with Willow just as much as I do. I need to make sure this is straight in her head as well as mine.

              “He shouldn’t be an issue. This is something just between us.” Hopefully Darden listened to me earlier when I told him to stay away.  I don’t need the outside interference. I need to start fresh.  Darden could only spell doom for both me and Sean.

              “He probably will be an issue. He came here for a reason. ”   He intends to claim you as his. But, together we can stand against him. Sean was feeling pretty good at the moment.  “We can discuss that another time.  What time should I arrive tomorrow?”

              “Is eight too early?  Is it too much to ask if you plan to stay for lunch also?” Willow was hesitant.  She took a deep breath. “We need to discuss how things will be between us.  I need a lot of time and a decent amount of patience from you.”

              “Then I will be there promptly at eight. Do you need me to bring anything?”

              “No I believe I have everything I need.”

              Sean was excited to be invited.  Hell, he was already beyond the beyond just because of an invite. He had made up his mind a while ago that he would make the most of any and all opportunities with Willow.  Especially, any moments they could be alone even alone in a public place. He thought about all the walks through the Arboretum over to Gallup Park. He could stop thinking about all those times a kiss was warranted but she changed the mood abruptly, all that closeness without ever actually touching. Sean wanted to somehow convey that he cared deeply for her without scaring her off. He wanted to tell her that he was in love with her but, he had to admit his patience is finally paying off. That should mean something. It is just a matter of finding out what issues that needed to be resolved. Boy, to think I am finally getting an opportunity to have a real relationship with Willow.  He would think things through and not really react.  He needed to show her he could be there for her and support her emotionally regardless of what happens. He would try to stay calm and get focused. If, he was going to win her heart he had to stay focused. Sean had never wanted anyone the way he wanted Willow.  It wasn’t about a getting her in his bed.  It was more about keeping her in his life long-term.  She could be the perfect wife for him.  She was very supportive of his ideas.  She was the perfect sounding board for him.  She gave him the assurance to take small risks that turned into big rewards.  He was scheduled to graduate this year.  He wouldn’t consider walking away from Willow just for education sake. Willow would graduate in 2004. He had planned to stay in Ann Arbor until she graduated and then follow her to wherever her career path led her.  He burst into laughter.  Now if he did things right she might be willing to follow him. He was already ramping up to earning his Master’s but the programs in the area were a 2 year program and he couldn’t figure out a way of doing it any faster. He needed to find a way to get her to stay with him until he finished.

              Willow was pacing her apartment tile floor wondering what had emboldened her to invite Sean to her apartment much less into her life. Face it, you were trying to rebel against Darden.  Why did I use the term rebel? I am an adult and I don’t answer to Darden.  I can make my own choices. Now why did I make Sean my choice? Well, he seemingly has been there forever in my short three years as an adult. But, so has Darden, in a distant sort of way.  But Sean would never abandon me the way Darden had.  Especially, when I needed his closeness a shoulder to lean on way, well a shoulder that was there if, I was desperate enough to use it. We could have a true partnership.  Darden doesn’t want a partnership he just wants to have some level of control over me.  I don’t want to be controlled.  I have spent my whole life being controlled.  First, by my mother, I had to wear this or that never owned a pair of jeans until I entered college.  I had to go to the best schools.  I had to have the appropriate friends with parents who were members of the country club or members of this organization or that one that somehow met my parents’ approval. I had to be seen as having the best of everything. Then, I was kept under control though my religion.  Parent guilt versus Catholic guilt, Catholic guilt won hands down.  Then there was Darden.  Darden was hand selected by my parents.  I was hand selected by his parents by mutual agreement. My mocha colored skin was never a factor.  The color of the greenbacks was the only issue anyone ever had with me. It was understood that I would keep myself pure for Darden.  I would wait for Darden.  I would allow no one else but Darden. There wasn’t one iota of conversation about this.  Just everyone assumed this.  Why would everyone just assume this?  I can’t even recall anymore.

              Why am I giving Darden any thought?  My mind is all made up. I am all about Sean now and he is all about me.  Is that the right thing to think this way? I hope that the first real decision I make on my own isn’t an abysmal failure. Well, I decided on my major and my mother with Darden’s help changed it and my mind.  It was a compromise really. I am doing Art History as a minor and Biology as my major. A weird mix, I admit but Art is my one true love outside of Darden  . . . I mean Sean yes, I meant to say Sean.  God, I am glad I am having this conversation inside my head. Darden is about fantasy and Sean is about reality. Sean came up with the idea of getting what I wanted too by making Art History a minor. It was a very simply solution. I was so devastated by my mother’s interference that I couldn’t think straight.  I have to focus on Sean and forget about Darden and the wonderful way he makes me feel.  I am sure that Sean can make me feel wonderful too.  I am positive Darden is trying to take advantage of my naïveté on the matter. I may not know much about kissing and the way things are between a man and a woman but I sure any male can teach any female a number if things about the intimacies. After all, Darden had no trouble leaving the females in his bed. They must have learned something he couldn’t have been just teaching sleep exercises.  And they all couldn’t have been just plumb lazy. I could be teaching myself.  After all I have the internet at my disposal.  I could learn something. Diane Dimiglio is always spouting off about the romance novels she reads.  She wants to become a behaviorist. And she says some of the best understanding of why people act the way they do can be found in romance novels. They only thing romance novels do that real life doesn’t do is promise forever or the happy ending.  I want a happy ending with someone.