Dare to Breathe (16 page)

“This is going to hurt you baby but I’ll try and be as gentle as I can be, okay?”

I nod and feel him lift himself above me. He looks at me with passionate eyes and then quickly plunges into me. I feel him stop and then push harder. A searing pain burns into me and for a second I panic, but then I look into his eyes and feel warmth begin to spread through my body.

Tears prick my eyes as the realization that I wasn’t abused in that way courses through me.

Nathan kisses each eyelid, kissing the tears away and making sure I am okay. I open my eyes and kiss him deeply once more. Nathan begins to move in and out of my body, drawing me deeper, making me feel a need course through my veins.

“You feel so good,” he says and then lowers his mouth and kisses me deeply. His mouth and his body consume me and I begin to rock with him, feeling a pressure building low in my gut and making me want to scream.

“Come for me, baby,” he says into my mouth.

With one last deep thrust, I feel myself explode around him and bite him on his shoulder to stop myself from screaming. I feel Nathan follow me soon afterwards and he finally collapses onto me, kissing my shoulder and my face.

“You are so beautiful,” he says, touching me gently. I sigh and hold onto him tightly still feeling the tingling in my body.

Eventually, I open my eyes and look into warm brown ones I know so well. “You, Nathan, are not so bad looking yourself,” I joke.

“Whatever! You know you wanted me from the day you met me,” he replies.

“That’s not how I remember it.” I lean over and kiss him again, loving the smell and sight of him here in my special place, just the two of us.

“We better go down before your mom sends your dad up here to check on us,” Nathan says with a sigh.

I nod in agreement and together we get dressed and head back into the house.

When we get to my bedroom and we have to part, Nathan puts his forehead to mine. “I really don’t want to sleep without you,” he says, sighing.

I kiss him quickly and then pinch his butt. “Toughen up! Only two more nights apart,” I say with a small smile. Truth is I really don’t want to sleep without him either.

We have another kiss and then I jump into my cold, lonely bed and try to go to sleep. It’s not that much later that I feel the door open. I look up and see Nathan hovering at the doorway looking in.

“I couldn’t sleep either,” I tell him smiling.

I hear him shut the door behind him and feel the bed dip as he climbs in next to me and wraps his warm body around me. “No way after what happened earlier can I be without you,” he whispers in my ear and then just like that his breathing evens and he falls asleep.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

The next morning we are all in the kitchen. Lucky for me, Nathan woke up before my parents and sneaked back into his own bed. My mom is making pancakes and rushing around busily. My dad sits watching her over his newspaper. Finally he folds it carefully, sets it down and gets her attention.

“Honey, come and sit down, we need to talk to Sam before she goes back,” he says.

I watch as her body stiffens and I automatically reach for Nathan’s hand sensing that I need some support.

She turns off the stove and comes to sit down with a pile of pancakes. I notice that no one reaches for one.

My dad looks over at me with solemn eyes and grabs my free hand which is clutching the edge of the table.

“We had a call the other day. Dean, your uncle Dean,” he clarifies.
As if I can forget
. “He’s being released from prison next month.”

My heart stops and I find myself pulling away from them all.

“Fuck,” I hear Nathan breathe out.

No, this can’t be real
. I put my hands on my head and lean forward onto my knees taking big, gasping breaths.

“Sam, calm down, just breathe slowly.” I hear Nathan at my side and feel him rubbing some life back into my soul.

I look up at them angrily. “Why? Why are they letting him out?”

My mom scrapes her chair back. She sits on her haunches right in front of me at eye level and takes hold of both of my icy hands. “He has served his sentence for the drug charges.”

“What about what he did to me?” I shout at her. Mom looks at me in shock and I realize that they didn’t know, not for certain anyway.

“I didn’t…we thought, but weren’t…” is all she can say.

“Mom, he abused me, I have started to remember it all. My therapist has helped me gain some perspective on it, but it still hurts,” I tell her, tears pooling in my eyes. “What if he hurts other people, Mom? How could they let him go?”

“So, you want us to get a lawyer? We can get the courts to look at this again,” my dad tries to reassure me, looking as grief-stricken as my mom.

I look over at him and see the old man he has become. I doubt he could survive a trial that would be virtually impossible to prove.

I shake my head no, defeated. I can’t put them through that.

My mom pulls my head over to her so that all I can see is her face and all I can feel is Nathan rubbing my back gently.

“I know this hurts and it hurts us too baby but if you choose not to take this to court, well then, you have got to let it go. You have Nathan and a bright new life ahead of you. This torture you put yourself through–let it go honey.”

I look deeply into her eyes and feel my heart start to slow down. I trust her, this small, frail woman who has loved me and cared for me. I give her a small nod and then look down. I feel her squeeze my hands and then lean back allowing Nathan to pull me into his arms. I break down with massive sobs when I feel his body comfort me. He whispers into my ear as I cry. He says the words he always says—every night after I have a nightmare and my body starts to calm.

I hear more than see my parents leave us alone and I understand now the reason they were so pushy about Nathan coming with me. They wanted his support when they broke this to me. They needed him to make sure I would survive this, even if they never knew the specifics they must have been suspicious when I was brought to them battered and bruised.

I think how unfair this all is, just when I thought I was getting my life on track. Just when I thought I could be a happy normal person, the world comes rushing up to trap me.

Nathan starts to kiss the top of my head as I place my face into his warm chest. “Shh, I’m here. I won’t let that fucker hurt you.”

I know he means it too. After what happened with Kate, Nathan will never let me fall.

We sit like this for hours, my parents leaving us to find comfort in each other, while I get myself together and not once does Nathan moan or complain.

Eventually I rub my eyes and sit up. “I think I love you,” I tell him.

He gives me a sweet smile and pulls me once again towards him. “I’ve loved you for a long time pretty girl,” he says.

My heart blooms and I realize that even in times of great darkness you can find light and I am grateful to have found mine.

That night we don’t even pretend to sleep apart and nor do my parents stop us. I have the most vivid nightmare that night. This time it’s no longer a six-year-old me running or hiding from my uncle but an eighteen-year-old me, terrified of losing her life. I wake up with tears running down my face and Nathan holding me tightly. With clarity I know we are in for a rough ride and I know I need to go and see Doctor Sandy as soon as I get back.

* * * *

“So, Doctor Sandy, what do I do now?” I ask her that following week when I get back to college.

“Samantha, you need to continue to live your life,” she says simply.

Hmm, that easy?

“He’s out there again! Somewhere…”

“Every day we are faced with choices. What are we going to wear? How do we feel? What are we going to learn? Are we going to be happy today? We make those decisions ourselves. Others don’t make those for us,” she replies looking at me evenly. “You have the chance here to choose to live your life
despite
this man who has threatened it.”

I look at her skeptically. “Is it really that simple?”

“No, it’s not simple but with support, you can fight though this and become a stronger, better person.”

I realize our hour is already over. I stand up, grab my bag and mumble a ‘thanks’ to her knowing I’ll be back in a week.

Nathan is waiting for me outside. Ever since he heard that Dean was out, he has been at my side, not letting me go anywhere alone.

“Hey babe, how did it go?” he asks, grabbing my bag from me and leaning in to kiss me firmly on my lips.

I lean into him and hold him tightly, not saying anything. My need to draw on his strength scares me sometimes. He is my rock, my constant and the thought of perhaps him one day not being there is scary. “Come on, let’s go home,” is all I reply.

Together we walk home talking about our day and any other normal thing that has occurred for us. I know I should speak to him about letting me walk around by myself as I know he has things to do as well and can’t be with me twenty-four hours a day, but right now I can’t bear the thought of being alone. Ever since the news that
he
is out there, I have been skittish and worried, constantly looking over my shoulder. I know this is a burden on the people I love but I am terrified.

“Nathan, Samantha, you have got to try this!” Ben shouts out to us when we get home.

Living with Ben is like having our own personal
Jamie Oliver
. This is his last year at college and I have no idea what we will eat when he is gone at the end of the summer. We head into the kitchen where Carrie, Mandy and Ben are all sitting sharing a bowl of soup together. Carrie doesn’t even lift her head to look at us. She is still as closed off as she was when she first found out about the two of us. I know we need to deal with this sooner rather than later because it’s just not fair on any of us to continue to live with this tension. It makes me sad seeing her sitting there ignoring us. I miss her wit and sarcasm and her endless enthusiasm.

Mandy, sitting next to Carrie, looks up and gives us her beautiful smile. “This is awesome!” she says between mouthfuls. “You really need to try some with the sour cream.”

Nathan gives me a quick kiss. He nudges Carrie to the side and with a wink at Mandy, steals Carrie’s bowl of soup.

“Hey!” she shouts at him, smacking his shoulder.

I almost see the old Carrie in her eyes.

“Hmm Ben, this does taste good,” Nathan says, dodging her attempts to grab it and continuing to slurp every spoonful.

Carrie, being so short, has no chance of reaching it from him. “Damn it Nathan, you are a bastard!” she yells at him stomping her foot like a two-year-old. We all laugh at the scene and it suddenly feels like old times.

I decide to try my luck and join in with the banter.

“You know Carrie, you should have just told him how you spit in it to cool it down.” I grab a clean bowl and fill it up.

Nathan stops mid swallow and looks at the bowl suspiciously. “She wouldn’t have done that?”

“Have you never seen her eat soup before?” I ask, continuing to ladle the soup into my bowl and adding a tablespoon of cream to it.

Carrie looks at him with a triumphant smile, clearly siding with me. “Yup, my old mamma told me it works well every time, especially when you have a big family that feels like stealing your food all the time.”

“Eurgh,” Nathan replies handing the bowl back to her quickly in mock horror.

We all laugh once again as we settle in to eat in comfortable silence. I hope with all my heart that this is the start to our recovery as friends.

That night, as we lie in bed together Nathan begins to stroke my arms absentmindedly. I know his thoughts are elsewhere by the look on his face.

“When Kate died, I thought my life was over, that I would never feel for anyone ever again. I thought you get one chance of getting it right, one shot at love. I thought I loved her Sam but now, being here with you, feeling your heartbeat, living with you and just feeling like everything we do
fits
, makes me realize that I never loved her the way I should have…Maybe she knew?” He trails off, looking sad.

I gently grasp his face and make him look me in the eyes. My heart beats rapidly at his beautiful words of love for me.

“I am crazy in love with you,” is all I can say to him.

I want him to stop hurting and I hope my words will bring him back to the present, back to me.

His eyes darken with love, with lust. I don’t know what it is for certain but I do know my body responds to that look and I lean close and kiss him fiercely, wanting what I know his body can deliver. I rip my clothes off and lie completely naked on the bed as Nathan’s gaze leaves mine for a second and roams over my body.

“Fuck,” he growls at me.

I arch my hips towards him, wanting to feel him, wanting him in me, closer.

“What have you turned me into?” I smile at him.