Dare to Breathe (9 page)

“Nathan hasn’t told me anything, Sam,” she says, “but I do have my own ears you know.”

I feel tears tease the corners of my eyes. I take a deep breath and look up. “Guess we all get to keep our own secrets for now,” I say sadly, getting up.

“Sam, wait!” she says as I walk straight out the kitchen and up the stairs to the bathroom. I lock the door and lean back on it. The tears start to fall as I realize my life is spiraling out of control. I am so wrapped up in my own sorrows I don’t hear a gentle knock on the door until a voice shouts through it.

“Sam? Open the damn door,” Nathan rasps. I hesitate then push myself off the door and let him in. He walks in and shuts the door behind him. He is slightly pale and his clothes from the night before are all wrinkled. His hair is still ruffled and actually he smells pretty bad, but my heart skips at the sight of him.

“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

“Nothing,” I reply, “except all of you have something going on you don’t want me to know about and at the same time, I am so screwed up in my own head I can’t sleep one fucking night in peace!”

I place my hands over my eyes and drop to the floor, feeling more hot tears sliding down my face.

He drops down next to me. “I want to tell you. I need to tell you but right now, you need to get better first. You don’t need our shit on your shoulders too.”

I look up at him. “Nathan, I don’t know how to ‘fix’ me,” I cry.

“I really, really want to hold you right now but I am scared if I do, you will kick my ass or something,” he says with his hands outstretched.

I see the affection and care in his eyes and decide to take a chance.

“If I freak out, just let me go, okay?” I ask.

He nods and I let myself be really hugged, for the first time. His gentle hands come round my back and pull me towards his chest. I stop breathing for just a second but then I smell his awesome, familiar, smoothing smell, the scent that is only Nathan, and I relax. I can’t hug him back, not yet, but I feel his grip tighten as I relax into him.

We sit together for what feels like hours and I slowly feel my heart start to beat normally again. This feels really good and I know that perhaps, somewhere down the line, I might have a chance of normality.

I sense him starting to feel uncomfortable and I know I need to break this embrace.

“Hey you know you smell pretty bad, you know that right?” I ask trying to break the tension.

He pulls me away from me and gives me a funny smirk. “I was a dick last night, wasn’t I?”

“No, actually you were kind of cute—much better than when you are sober.” I giggle.

“Did you just giggle at me?” he asks with his smile getting wider.

“Well, you know, with all that ‘you’re so soft, I like touching you’,” I joke, “you were a real smooth talker.”

He starts running his hands up and down my arm, “Well, you are soft…”

I slap his arm away laughing but Nathan’s eyes just fill with mischief. “Did I say anything else I should know about?” he asks.

I think about the ‘love’ comment but decide I am
so
not ready to go there.

“Well, you did say something about me being super awesome and that you were going to do all my toilet cleaning duties,” I tell him with a straight face.

He laughs harder. “Whatever, I would need to be ‘way’ more drunk to offer shit like that!”

We hear Ben banging outside the bathroom door. “You guys going to come out of there anytime today? My head hurts like shit and I really need to piss!”

We smile at each other and Nathan stands up. He puts his hand out, offering it as leverage. I grab it while he hauls me up.

“Should we stay in here longer and make him go outside to piss?” he asks me with a wink.

I slap his arm. “Remind me not to annoy you. Ever,” I say opening the door and walking past a very green looking Ben.

“Should I be worried that you were both in there?” he says to my retreating back.

Chapter Seventeen

I can’t help it. Nathan makes me feel happy. There is something in the way he looks at me, talks to me and touches me that makes my whole body wake up and pay attention. I am still daydreaming about our bathroom ‘touch’ when Sally walks past me at work, whipping my bottom with a dish towel.

“You with us sweetie or somewhere else?” she says underneath my howl.

“Definitely somewhere else,” I reply, rubbing my stinging butt.

“Okay.” She leans down toward me on the counter, her elbows nearly touching and the fingers laced dramatically. “Who is he?”

“I don’t know what you mean.” I clean the counter.

“Sweetie, the last time I had a look like that on my face was the day I discovered Beth preferred fuller women like myself. Is it that hottie who was here that day? You know, the one with that skank?” she asks, laughing at me.

I ignore her question, suddenly feeling really somber. “Sally, can I ask you something?”

“Sure honey; what you wanna know?”

“If you knew someone had gone through something bad, something possibly that can’t be fixed without help, where would you tell that person to go to for help?”

I am not sure why I choose her to ask such a personal question but something about Sally just makes me trust her.

“What? Do you mean like a shrink?”

I try and deflect her attention by appearing indifferent. “Well, yeah…I guess so.”

She looks at me intently now. “You know when I first found out I preferred women to men, I had to go through a great deal of support. Let’s just say my family weren’t exactly over the moon to discover a lesbian in the family. Beth introduced me to a lady in town who was awesome. Her name is Doctor Sandy and I think she is still practicing. Would your ‘friend’ like her number?”

I just nod. I have no words as we both know my vague attempt at being blasé is bogus. I appreciate that she doesn’t call me on it and I breathe a sigh of relief when she squeezes me briefly on my shoulder and walks away to serve another customer.

Just as I am walking out the door later that evening, Sally hands me a piece of paper with Doctor Sandy’s name and number. “I looked her up and I am pleased to say she is still in business.”

“Thanks Sally,” I reply giving her a brief grateful smile as I walk out.

Chapter Eighteen

“So, Samantha, what can I do for you?” Doctor Sandy asks me as I come in and sit down in her office a few days later. She is a tall lady with her auburn hair cut short in a bob that shapes her face. She is wearing a beige business suit but I notice her shiny stilettos peeking out from under the trouser leg. She has a friendly expression which makes her formal appearance a little less threatening.

I take my time answering her by slowly pulling off my scarf, folding it neatly into three layers and placing it on my lap. I remove my jacket and lay it beside me. As I do this, I painfully gather my thoughts. She sits watching me calmly.

I finally clear my throat. “Um, well actually, where do you want me to start?”

“How about we start with why you chose to come and see me today?” She leans forward, note pad at the ready.

“Okay…well I have been having nightmares, and well, I think they are ruining my chance at being normal.”

“What would you consider to be normal?” she asks me.

What sort of question is that?
“I um…I am not sure,” I reply, shrugging.

She shifts in her chair and makes some notes. I stretch my neck to try get a glimpse of what she is writing and start to feel a bit like an ostrich.

“Okay, well that’s something worth thinking about, don’t you think?” she says ambiguously, moving her note pad away. “Do you want to talk about the nightmares instead?”

I wind my neck in, feeling a bit sheepish.

No,
I want to tell her, but instead I say, “Okay.” I shift around nervously and place my sweating hands in my lap. “Well, um…I dream about the life I had before I moved in with my mom and dad.” She looks at me with confusion so I continue. “I mean my adopted mom and dad.”

“I see,” she says and continues to scribble in her book.

“I dream about my brothers,” I continue. She stops and looks at me in silence. “I have…I mean I had younger brothers. They were like two and three years younger than me and all I can remember about them was that they trusted me and used to suck their thumbs all the time.” My throat hitches and I take a deep breath. “Anyway, I remember us hiding. A lot,” I emphasize.

“Do you remember why you were hiding?” she asks me gently.

I can’t look at her or speak for a second. My hands feel wet and I rub them along my thighs, my jeans absorbing the moisture. “There was this man,” is all I can say.

“What man? Really think about who he is and why he is plaguing your dreams.”

“I don’t know,” I reply looking at her with tears threatening to fall, “but I know he wanted to hurt us badly.”

“Samantha,” she asks, “why do you dream about hiding with your brothers away from a man?”

“Because I think it really happened but I can’t remember for sure,” I whisper, frustrated with myself.

Chapter Nineteen

“Oh yeah, it’s the holidays!” Carrie comes bounding down the stairs, her bag bumping her side. She stops when she sees me and gives me a big smile. “I am going to miss your moody face,” she tells me, squeezing my shoulder as she walks past.

“Yeah, me too,” I say to her moodily, confirming her statement. I still feel upset that they are all leaving without me, but I know there is a reason and I trust that one day Nathan will tell me. I also know that if I don’t go home for the holidays, my parents will kill me.

“So, when are you off?” she asks me, sitting down at the kitchen counter.

“I fly out tomorrow,” I tell her.

“Whoa, you get the whole house to yourself for one whole night,” she says, wiggling her eyebrows, just as Nathan walks in.

He looks at me with something like sadness in his eyes. “Better not do anything we wouldn’t do,” he says.

“Well, that certainly leaves me wide open with options,” I say. His eyes crinkle in amusement.

Carrie shakes her head at us and walks out to find Mandy and Ben.

Nathan comes right next to me, all traces of the former humor gone. “You going to be okay?” he asks.

I laugh him off but I realize I will really miss him. What will happen if I have a nightmare?

“No…maybe…who knows?” I reply honestly surprising myself.

“If you really want me to stay, I will,” he says, gently lifting my face so I look into his beautiful brown eyes.

“Thanks but…I need to go home. I need to find out about…well about, my ‘issues’,” I say trying to sound brave.

“Seriously?” He looks genuinely pleased for the first time. “That is awesome!” He lets my face go and the heat where his fingertips touched leaves my skin feeling cold. “You are the bravest person I know,” he whispers. “I hope you’ll get the answers that you need.”

Before I can stop him, he leans in and kisses my cheek. “Merry Christmas beautiful,” he says, placing a small package in my hand and walking out. I look down in shock and see a beautifully wrapped Christmas gift. I try and memorize his words, and the way his lips touched my cheek. I close my eyes to take a mental photograph, then take a deep breath. What I really want to do is run out of the house and kiss him firmly on his lips, but my insecurities ground me. Besides, the only night he showed me genuine affection was the night he was blind drunk. Otherwise all he has ever been to me is a big brother.
Damn, I certainly don’t want him as a brother
. His words and gestures make me question how he sees me. I wish I could bring him back and ask him outright.

The rest of the gang turn up a few seconds later and after lots of good-byes and even a few hugs, they are gone.

I walk around the house feeling lonely, bored and cold. I glance upstairs and then before I can change my mind, I bound up to Nathan’s room. I push the door open and head straight in. I take off my shoes, snuggle into his bed that smells just like him, and fall fast asleep.

Beep! Beep! Beep!
His alarm wakes me up at 6:00 a.m.
Bastard didn’t turn it off before he left!
I don’t feel quite as nostalgic as the noise beats through my brain.

I silence it with a slap and roll over to face the wall. I can’t go back to sleep. His bed, his smell, his presence is just too much for me. I stretch and realize with a happy heart that I have slept through the night!
Yes
! I reluctantly climb out of bed and take a closer look around his room. He has his small bed, a desk and a bookshelf in it. Next to his bed he has a little bedside table and I notice a picture on it. I pick it up and, smiling, see a younger Ben, Mandy, Carrie and Nathan. They must be about fifteen years old and I notice another girl in the picture, her arms casually draped around Mandy and Nathan. I wonder who she is and where she is now when the rest of these guys are still so close. I replace the photo but it tips over. I see writing on the back of the frame.