Authors: Katie McGarry
Ryan pauses for a second. His hesitant eyes meet mine and I quickly reclaim his lips. He responds, but barely. He’s thinking again and if he follows his thoughts, then I’ll lose my chance at higher.
I trail my hand down his spine—a light
touch, a dance that crosses to the side of his waist, over his hip, and right as my fingers
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circle lower, Ryan moans and rejoins the
game. My mouth slants up under his kiss.
I love the sound of his moan. I love how his hands memorize the small of my back and dare lower to my thighs. I love how we’ve both moved beyond coherent thought. I love
floating.
We roll and I help Ryan lose his shirt. In seconds, our legs tangle. My hands curl into his muscles as Ryan generously trails hot kisses along the nape of my neck. He grows bold, inching my bra strap off my shoulder. I reward bold.
We lose control—quickly, so fast we’ve
broken beyond floating to flying. I inhale and all I smell is Ryan: the sweet scent of summer rain. I’m so giddy I could almost laugh—I’m finally high. Higher than I’ve ever been
without drugs, higher than I’ve ever been with another guy, higher than…
Ryan’s hand slides to cradle my face, his warm palm touching my cheek. His head
follows and we both gasp for air as he rests his forehead against mine. He’s pausing and I don’t like pausing. Pausing means thinking.
“You’re beautiful,” he says. His hands still
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explore; his lips still exert gentle pressure against my skin. Maybe he’s not pausing.
Maybe he’s…what? What is he doing? His
body says one thing, but his mouth says
another.
“No talking.” I don’t want talking. I want higher. I want further.
Ryan brushes the hair away from my face
and my heart flutters. “I like you,” he says in my ear. “I like
you
, Beth.”
All movement stops as the corners of my
lips tug up for a shy smile. He likes me. He likes me and I like him and…All the air rushes out of my body, leaving my lungs in a painful struggle for air. My fingers curl into fists and I push at Ryan’s chest. “Let me go.”
Instead his hold on me tightens. His eyes clear of their haze and dart over my face, searching for the problem. “What’s wrong?”
“Let me go!” I scream and he immediately
releases me. On my hands and knees, I wrestle away from him…away from me…just away.
I’m stupid. So stupid. Ryan doesn’t like me. He doesn’t. How could I let my emotions get
involved? Why couldn’t I just use him for higher?
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I grab my shirt and bolt for the door.
From behind me, I hear the hay crunch as Ryan battles his impaired state to stand. “Beth—
wait! I’m sorry! Please.”
At the door, I hesitate. The other guys, the ones I’ve used to feel something physical, they’ve never apologized. They’ve never asked me to stay. I risk a glance over my shoulder and my stomach twists when I see the agony etched on his face.
Ryan holds a hand out to me. “Please. Talk to me.”
Talking—it’s what got me into this situation.
It’s what turned what should have been nothing into something. Part of me begs to stay—to talk. Instead, I flee into the dark night. Staying will hurt and running is my only option.
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WE WON TODAY and I have no idea how.
Throughout the game, the sun hurt my eyes.
My head pounded in an annoying painful
rhythm. Twice, I puked between innings.
Playing with a hangover took hell to another level. Even now, I fight the urge to pull the Jeep over on the side of the road, let my head hit the steering wheel, and rest, but I can’t.
I like her. I really like Beth. The moment she smiled at me in the Jeep after we drove through the creek, I knew. Yeah, she’s hard-core, but at the same time, she’s not. Last night, her walls cracked.
Holding her while we danced, I saw her—
the beautiful girl who loved ribbons. When she entwined her fingers with mine to stop me from fighting Tim, I saw the girl who protected Lacy in elementary school. In the barn, I
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listened to her ramble about her life: Isaiah, Noah, Echo, and beaches. By listening, I found a person loyal to those she loves. It was the first unedited glimpse into a girl that holds everything inside.
I’m falling for her. Hard. And I messed
everything up the moment I touched her. How could I be so stupid?
The evening sunlight filters through the
thick trees lining Scott Risk’s long driveway. I replay the words I’ll say when Scott answers his door. I don’t have much of an excuse to see Beth. The truth won’t help: Hi. I took your niece out last night, got drunk, made out with her until she bolted from the barn, and I’d appreciate the opportunity to apologize to her and convince her to give me a shot.
Yeah. I see that conversation going well.
Bent forward with her head in her hands,
Beth sits on the front porch stairs. My stomach drops to the floorboard of the Jeep. I did this to her. Beth peeks at me through her hair as I park in front of the garage. She straightens and wraps her arms around her stomach.
“Hey,” I say as I approach. “How do you
feel?”
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“Like shit.” She’s barefoot and wears a
deep purple cotton shirt that hugs her waist and a pair of overly ripped jeans. Her shirt slips off her shoulder, exposing her black bra strap. I force my eyes to glance away. I became way too familiar with that tantalizing bra last night.
I stop at the foot of the stairs and shove my hands into my pockets. Does she feel like shit because she’s also hungover, or because she regrets making out with me? “My head’s
hammered all day.”
Beth slowly sucks in air and releases it, blowing a few strands of her hair from her face. “What do you want?”
“You left in a rush last night.” Images of our night together flash in my mind. Her hands tugging off my shirt, hot on my skin, messing through my hair. I remember my lips on her neck and the sweet taste of her skin. The curve of her body against my hands. Her fingernails teasing my back. “I wanted to make sure
you’re okay.”
“I’m fine,” she says.
Beth retreats behind her brick wall. Closed off. Emotions cemented in. I stare at her. She stares at me. I have no idea what to say. Last
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night, we weren’t really on a date. It was an agreement. She wasn’t my girlfriend who I slowly worked through the bases with. She wasn’t a girl I took to dinner a couple of times and kissed a little too much for too long. With Beth, I crossed lines a real man wouldn’t cross.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
Her glare makes me feel like I’m standing in front of a firing squad, awaiting my sentence.
“For…” What am I sorry for? Taking off her shirt? Kissing her until I thought I was going to lose my mind? Touching her? Feeling her? Of all the things I may be sorry for in my life, I’m honestly not sorry for any of that. “For taking advantage of you.”
The right corner of her mouth struggles up, then down, then slowly back up. “We didn’t have sex last night.”
Heat runs up my neck and I focus on my
shoes. “I know.”
Part of me is thankful she left when she did.
The moment my lips found her body, we
quickly became an erupting volcano. Hot and fast. Very fast. Fast enough that I would have given her my virginity.
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“Then what are you apologizing for?”
I gather my courage and face her. “You left.
In a hurry. And what I did…we were drunk. I don’t get drunk and I don’t take advantage of girls. You left upset. I crossed lines, and the way you left…I’m sorry.”
Beth clears her throat. “Ryan.” She stretches out my name, as if giving herself time to think.
“I was the one who took advantage of you.”
I still. “No, you didn’t. Girls don’t take advantage of guys. Guys take advantage of girls.”
Her lips bunch and twist to the side as she shakes her head. “Nope. I distinctly remember telling you I didn’t want to be alone.”
“And that’s the moment I should have
walked away.”
“I didn’t want you to.”
“But I should have. It’s what an honorable guy does. Especially for a girl he likes.”
Beth points a finger. “See, that’s where
you’re confused. You don’t like me.”
Why is she making this apology
complicated? Why does she make everything complicated? “Yes, I do.”
“No, you don’t. You’re telling yourself you
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like me.”
She drives me insane by finding a way to
slink underneath my skin. “That makes no
sense.”
“You feel guilty for hooking up with me so you’re trying to make yourself feel better by convincing yourself that you like me, when you don’t.”
“Wha…” The more she talks, the more my
mind becomes a cluttered mess. “I like you. I.
Like. You. I’ll admit, you’re annoying.
Sometimes you agitate me to the brink of
insanity, but you can throw it back at me like no one else. When you laugh, I want to laugh.
When you smile, I want to smile. Hell, I want to be the one to make you smile. And you’re pretty. No, you’re sexy, and last night was…”
“Stop.” Beth holds out her hand. “You’re a good guy and you don’t want to think you
could have done something not good, okay?
What we did wasn’t bad. It wasn’t wholesome, but it wasn’t bad. Don’t read anything more into it.”
Beth’s beautiful blue eyes are pleading with me. Pleading! She wants me to agree with her.
“If you really feel that way, then why did you
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bolt last night?”
The front door opens and, with narrowed
eyes, Scott glares at me from the other side of the storm door. Beth glances at him over her shoulder and holds his gaze. He walks away, leaving the front door open. A knot forms between my shoulder blades. Not good.
“You should go,” says Beth.
Probably, but I can’t. Not with Beth telling me that I don’t like her. Not when she honestly believes it. “Go out with me again—a real date this time.”
“What?”
I climb the three steps and sit next to her. We were so close last night. Skin against skin.
She’s inches from me, but it feels like miles.
My hand becomes heavy with the need to
touch her, comfort her. I raise it. Put it down.
Come on, I had no problems touching her last night. I raise it again and place my hand over hers.
Under my fingers, Beth stiffens. My heart beats once against my chest, creating an ache. I don’t want her to hate my touch. “We’ve
started everything ass backwards. I like you.
Let’s see what happens.”
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“Date you?” she asks.
“Date me.”
“Like friends…” Beth scrunches her face in disgust “…with benefits?”
I can almost feel her body under mine again and I shake away the memory. I’m not going to prove to her I like her if we have a repeat performance of last night. “No. Friends who go out together. I pay. You smile. Sometimes we kiss.”
She raises a skeptical eyebrow on the word
kiss
and I immediately backtrack. “But we date first—for a while. Friends who like each other and want to date.”
“I never said I liked you.”
I chuckle and a warm tingle enters my blood when she gives that small, peaceful smile.
“You haven’t said you hate me.”
“Friends who date,” she says as if she’s
trying to find the hidden meaning in the phrase.
“Friends who date,” I repeat and squeeze her fingers.
Beth tenses and withdraws her hand. “No.”
She pads down the stairs on bare feet. “No.
This isn’t the way things work. Guys like you don’t date girls like me. What angle are you
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playing? Is this about the dare?”
Her words cause me to flinch, but they
aren’t a surprise. Last night, I pushed her too far. I showed her no respect. She has no reason to believe me, yet I want her to. “No. The dare is done.”
“Because you won last night?”
No, I didn’t. The dare required that Beth and I stay at the party for an hour. We barely lasted fifteen minutes. “It’s over, Beth. I don’t play people I care about.”
Myriad emotions cross her face, as if she’s wrestling with God and the devil. “You could be playing me. If this is the dare, just tell me.”
“I did tell you. The dare is over.” I told Lacy that no one gets hurt on my dares. Especially in this one. How could I be so blind? I thought Beth walked away from the trust fall because she wanted to hurt me. I thought she wanted to watch my team lose. Wrong. Beth didn’t jump because she doesn’t trust and, because of this dare, I’ve ruined any trust she could have had in me.
“Did you win then?” Beth stubbornly holds on to the dare. “Were you dared to make out with me?” The hurt gives way to panic. “You
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fucking asshole, you did play me, didn’t
you? Does everyone at school already know?
Are you here for bonus points? Try to fuck the girl, tell your friends, then convince her you want more?”
“No!” I shout, then remind myself to rein it in. I created her doubt when I accepted the dare. “No. What happened between us last
night wasn’t about any dare. I didn’t plan it and I would never tell anyone.”
“So, I’m a secret. We’ll date in private, but not in public. No thanks.”
Damn. I can’t win. I rub my hand over my
head. “I want to be with you. Here. At school.
Wherever. I didn’t play you. Just trust me.”
Beth angles her body away from me.
Trust
must be the ugliest word in her vocabulary.
Desperate to make everything right, I blurt out,