Dark Heart Forever (14 page)

Lowe shrugged, turning to face me. ‘Good to meet you, Jane,’ he said. ‘I am looking forward to seeing you at the ball.’

‘Yes.’ I was thrown by his now friendly manner. ‘I’ll see you at the ball.’

Lowe leaned forward then and made to kiss my cheek. As his mouth came closer my breath caught in my throat as I heard him whisper, ‘I’ll be watching.’ Then in an instant he was pulling back, as if he had never spoken, but his eyes pierced mine. I glanced away, my heart beating so loudly I was sure the others could hear it.

With a nod at his mother, Lowe turned and bounded towards the house.

I had a cold, uneasy feeling about Luca’s little brother.

‘I had better be going soon myself.’ I looked at Luca and Henora. ‘My father needs me back to help.’

‘Of course,’ said Henora. ‘We thank you for visiting. Give our regards to your family …’ She nodded at Luca. ‘Luca will see you are safely away.’

Luca and I slipped out of the house, with a hyperactive Dalya following us to the stony path beyond the wisteria gate.

‘I won’t tell,’ she said to Luca. ‘I promise I won’t.’

‘You’d better not,’ he said sternly. ‘You know what could happen if you do.’

She looked solemn. ‘You can trust me, brother.’ She turned to me. ‘Goodbye, Jane. Good luck.’

We watched her slip back through the gate, before we began trudging to the field of rape and all the way to the Water Path.

‘I’m not sure Lowe is as trustworthy,’ I said as we walked. ‘He suspects me.’

Luca shook his head. ‘He’s flexing his muscles,’ he said. ‘He’s moody and impetuous, and he can be abrasive. But he is loyal. I think.’ He looked down at the ground as he spoke, his face darkening. ‘But perhaps it was foolish of me, bringing you here. I didn’t think … Lowe is sharp, it’s true.’

‘He said something to me.’ I linked my arm through Luca’s. ‘When he said goodbye, he told me he would be watching me.’

‘I’m sure there is nothing to be anxious about.’ Luca reached for my fingers with his free hand. ‘But maybe I should have been more careful.’

We were approaching the Water Path and already the sound of the river could be heard.

‘I will see you again soon,’ Luca said. ‘We need to make arrangements … for the ball.’

‘Are we being foolish?’ I said, surprising myself. His younger brother’s behaviour had unsettled me.

‘Perhaps.’ He sighed. ‘But I won’t leave your side all evening. You will be safe with me.’

‘I know.’ I smiled while squinting in the fierce sunlight.

We stood quietly and, though I wanted to go home, I felt reluctant to leave him.

‘Go, then,’ said Luca. ‘Back to your boyfriend.’ Though he smiled, there was a sadness in his green eyes and I hesitated, wanting in some way to reassure him.

But I said nothing.

I can’t sleep at night, and when I do, I dream of you. In my dreams it is all so simple. You and I are together, everything is going to be all right. Easy. But when I am awake the weight of all that’s between us and all that divides us lies heavily on me. Mum is nearly fully recovered, but she is fragile. Her treatment has taken more out of her than the disease. She needs me. And I can’t leave her. But the thought of never seeing you again is, well, it’s unthinkable. I tried to come to you, but it didn’t happen. I willed it with all my might, but you have cut off from me. It is only by writing this down that I can connect with you. I know I am being unfair. I wish I didn’t have to choose.

I
 shut the book, my own heart felt heavy, troubled by something. What became of her, I wondered, the author of this diary? What happened to the boy she loved?

I was sitting in the window seat of Dad’s office reading, staring out at the winter that seemed permanently on our doorstep. The house was empty again. My parents had gone to collect Dot from a sleepover the other side of town. Getting up with the book under my arm, I wandered through to the kitchen and opened the fridge.

I was halfway through making myself a sandwich when a knock on the back door startled me. Nobody comes up here without warning. It couldn’t be Luca – he was away with his family. I held on to the bread knife and padded cautiously to the door.

‘Who is it?’ I said slowly.

‘It’s Evan.’ His voice was low, humble-sounding.

I looked down at the bread knife, holding it behind my back, and flipped the latch on the door to open it.

Snow was falling on his scruffy blond hair and on his grey duffel coat.

‘Hi,’ he said, rubbing his gloved hands together. He took a step forwards. ‘I know you don’t want to see me. And I understand how you must feel about me living with … But I want to explain …’ He smiled wryly. ‘Do you think I could come in – for a while?’

I bit my lip but opened the door wider. Evan looked and sounded adorable. He took a tentative step inside, brushing the snow off his hair.

Realising I was still holding the bread knife, I dropped my hand. Evan’s eyes grew wide as he saw it.

‘Whoah. I really don’t want to the get on the wrong side of you, Jonas,’ he said, catching my eye then, grinning. His perfect teeth and his perfect mouth. The tiny lines at the corners of his eyes crinkling.

‘I was holding it,’ I said dumbly. ‘When you knocked … I wasn’t going to …’

‘Attack me?’ he said, smiling still. ‘I know that.’

I raised the hand holding the knife. ‘I’ll put this away,’ I said, turning towards the kitchen. ‘Come through.’

Evan followed me to the kitchen. I pushed the breadboard with my half-made sandwich on it to the back of the counter and dropped the knife into the sink.

‘I’ll make some tea,’ I said, my back to him. ‘Take a seat.’

As I filled the kettle I could feel his eyes on me. Once I had plugged it in and dropped a couple of teabags into the pot I turned and drew out a chair next to him.

Evan still had his coat on, the grey wool made his eyes seem bluer than ever and his hair was perfectly dishevelled. He put his still-tanned hands on the table and stared at me.

‘I talked to Sarah,’ he said finally. ‘About what she did.’

I felt a familiar thud in my stomach.

‘Oh God.’ I slumped back in my seat. ‘I can just imagine what she said about me.’ I stared angrily at him. ‘She’s poisonous.’

‘She’s grown up a bit,’ he said seriously. ‘She said she feels really bad.’

‘Hmmm.’ I chewed my lip. ‘I’ll believe that when I see it.’

‘Well maybe you should,’ he said then.

‘Should what?’ I sat up slightly, frowning.

‘See it?’ He rubbed at the table with his finger.

‘If I saw her ever again it would be too soon,’ I said firmly. ‘You just don’t understand, Evan.’ I threw up my hands. ‘How could you? You’ve always been perfect, I bet.’

He waited a second before replying. ‘So, you’ve known me all my life have you? You know everything about me?’

‘No …’ I began, flustered. ‘Of course not. But look at you. You have no Achilles heel. You’re untouchable.’

A strange expression crossed his face but he didn’t look away.

‘No one is untouchable.’ His voice was quiet. ‘And not me, for sure.’ I watched as his eyes wandered around the kitchen, settling on a family photograph Mum had stuck on the windowsill. A much younger me, with short curly hair. My dad, with more hair, and my mother, smiling and looking down at baby Dot. His eyes lingered on it for a while, and I swallowed. Evan’s family was broken. Scattered. And here I was trying to detach him from the few relatives he had. I rubbed my hands together, feeling at fault somehow.

Evan turned from the photograph and his face softened. ‘But it’s not about that. It’s not about the past. It’s about the future. I’ve never felt this way about any girl before. I want you in my life, Jane. I can’t stand the thought of this just … ending.’ He looked up at me, holding my gaze. ‘And for better or worse, Sarah is kind of in my life too. If she apologised to you –
really
apologised – would you consider being my girlfriend?’

Would I consider being Evan’s girlfriend? I nearly laughed out loud. Instead I kept my expression steady.

‘I can’t imagine being friends with Sarah,’ I said. ‘After everything she did …’

‘I know it’s asking a lot.’ He reached out and twined his fingers through mine. I didn’t pull away. How could I?

‘I don’t know.’ I shook my head. ‘You don’t know her like I do.’

Evan held my hand tighter, his thumb gently massaging mine. ‘Worth a try, though,’ he said. ‘For us?’

I smiled then but rolled my eyes. ‘You’re good at this, aren’t you?’ I said. ‘Getting what you want?’

He pulled me a little closer to him, putting one hand out to stroke the hair off my face.

‘I just can’t walk away from this,’ he whispered, his lips coming closer to mine. ‘From you.’

And I felt my resolve melting away as I gazed back at those eyes, those cheekbones and the small sprinkling of freckles on his tanned nose. As our mouths came together and I felt the softness of his lips on mine, I knew I wanted to make him happy. We kissed each other tenderly and slowly before I forced myself to pull away.

‘OK,’ I said, quietly. ‘But not yet. I’m not ready yet.’

‘Cool. Whatever you want.’

‘It’s all in the past, I guess,’ I said, more brightly than I felt. ‘I’ve got to put it behind me.’

He smiled, and reached out to hug me to him. ‘You’re a brave girl.’

‘I’m not brave. I feel like I just … let things happen to me.’

‘Even better,’ he said playfully, pressing his lips to my cheek.

I thought about Sarah while I was watching TV with my dad and Dot, who lay sprawled across the sofa, snuggled up to him. I tried to rationalise what she’d done. Was it just harmless schoolgirl stuff? Was she older and wiser … and nicer now? The prospect of seeing her, talking to her, normally, was unimaginable. But maybe it would lay it all to rest. And give Evan and me a chance.

I gazed at the screen, not seeing what was playing out in front of me. I couldn’t believe that she had changed. Not really. And it would take every ounce of my backbone to give her a chance.

Mum wandered in with a pile of ironing. She dumped it on an armchair and plumped down next to me at the end of the sofa.

‘You made it up with Evan, then?’ she said quietly, tapping my knee.

‘Kind of.’ I tucked my legs under me.

‘What did you fight about? He seems such a nice boy.’

‘He is.’ I hesitated. ‘But his sister isn’t.’

Mum frowned. ‘Who’s his sister?’

‘Sarah. Sarah Emerson.’

‘You’re joking?’ Mum said loudly, causing Dot to look over at us, curiously. ‘Well, I can see why you’d be angry about that.’ She shook her head. ‘That silly, spiteful girl is Evan’s sister?’

‘Stepsister, actually … And Evan thinks she’s changed. She’s really sorry apparently.’ I sighed. ‘She wants to apologise.’

My mother raised an eyebrow. ‘And what do you think? What are you going to do?’

I hesitated. ‘I think … I think I’m going to let her apologise,’ I said then, a slight smile on my face.

Mum rubbed my knee. ‘That’s very big of you, darling. I’m not sure I’d be quite so forgiving. But then again … Evan might be worth it.’

‘Yes,’ I said, looking back at the television. ‘I think he might.’

F
abio’s was empty but for the familiar figure sitting on a stool by the counter. My heart skipped its usual beat as I approached Evan.

I hadn’t seen him since he’d come to talk to me a week before. I hadn’t felt ready. There was so much to think about. Not just about Sarah, but about him. Everything seemed so intense all of a sudden. And then there was Luca … That was intense, too. In a different way. I’d spent a lot of time out walking the dog, poring over the mysterious girl’s notebook. Entry after entry of heartache. Whoever she loved had just disappeared and the loss was nearly killing her. It frightened me. To get so attached to someone, and to have them just disappear … I’d shut the book away in my drawer, unable to read any more. It hadn’t helped me much, it had just made me feel more apprehensive. What was I getting myself into?

I should really lighten up, I suppose.

Evan turned intuitively as I came up behind him.

‘Hello stranger.’ He slipped one arm around my waist and his lips brushed my cheek. ‘What can I get you?’

‘A Coke, please.’ I climbed up on to the stool next to him, running my eyes over his black jeans. He took off his denim jacket and draped it on the back of the stool, and it was hard not to notice his muscular, tanned arms as he waved at Eileen.

‘A Coke for the lady,’ he said, as Eileen came over to us. ‘And another iced tea, please.’

‘Coming up.’ Eileen beamed at him and started getting our drinks. ‘What are you two up to today?’

Evan looked at me. ‘Want to come for a ride?’

I nodded. ‘But somewhere safe. I told you how uncoordinated I am.’