Darker the Release (20 page)

“I am better off now,” she breathed when she could shape words again. She wasn’t hopeful, wasn’t optimistic, didn’t think this realization would change anything but her with its harsh, inexorable grace. “I can’t speak for you, but I know I am.”

Caleb was still staring at her, and his defenses seemed to be lowered enough to reveal an agonizing confusion.

She reached out to put her hand on his arm. “I am better off now. I’m a better person. And loving you is one of the things that has made me so.”

Saying she loved him was evidently a mistake, although she wouldn’t have been able to predict it. As soon as she spoke the word, his face contorted with an intensity she didn’t immediately recognize.

With a violent tug, he pulled his arm out of her grip, and the momentum of his arm caused her to stumble backward. She didn’t fall but she was shaken and disoriented by the sudden move.

“I think you better leave,” he said.

He’d made his choice long before she’d come to his office like this. And the sex—however good it had been, however real it had been—hadn’t changed anything at all.

She nodded in resignation. “Okay. I will.”

Her mother died the next week, and Kelly buried her next to her father’s grave.

It was the first time she’d been to visit her father since she’d been adopted, and after the simple burial ceremony, she stood alone for a long time, looking down at both of the graves.

Her mother hadn’t been happy, but she’d seemed to come to terms at least a little at the end.

It was better than nothing.

Justice would never be done for her father, but at least now Kelly knew the truth, and her mother had known before she died.

It was better than nothing.

She focused on the simple grave marker over her father’s grave, etched with only his name, the years of his life, and two words:
HUSBAND. FATHER
.

It was when she reread the word “father” that Kelly started to cry for real.

“I’m so sorry, Dad,” she choked, kneeling on the grass beside the grave. She’d brought a small bunch of pink tulips, and she readjusted them next to the stone. “I’m so sorry I haven’t been what you always wanted me to be.”

She sniffed and rubbed her eyes, getting herself together enough to say what she needed to say. There was no one else around anymore, and she wanted to hear the words spoken aloud. Felt like her father could actually hear her. She didn’t care if she sounded like a fool. “You worked so hard to make a good life for me, and I ruined it all as soon as you died. But I’m going to try to do better now. I’m going to try to…to live.”

She impatiently wiped away a couple more tears that slipped out. “You were always proud of me, whether I deserved it or not, and I want to feel that way again.”

Randomly, Kelly wondered if Caleb would ever have been proud of her, if they’d been together long enough for her to do something worthwhile. It wasn’t likely to happen now, but Kelly was finally coming to the recognition that there was more to her life than just Caleb.

He was important. Incredibly important. But he wasn’t all there was.

Kelly wasn’t going to taint her memories of her father again. Not with vengeance and not with the consuming loss of Caleb in her life.

“I miss you, Daddy. I still miss you so much.”

She stayed a few more minutes, saying goodbye. To both him and her mother. Until she finally found the strength to pull herself up to her feet.

“I’ll be back,” she whispered before she turned to leave. “I love you. I won’t stay away so long again.”

She felt a rising wave of emotion when she heard her phone ring. Her heart leapt, even though she knew there was almost no chance of its being Caleb.

Glancing at the screen, she felt a sinking disappointment at the same time she experienced a tiny flare of warmth.

It wasn’t Caleb. But the screen read, “Jack Martin.”

She hadn’t heard from Jack for several days, and she’d been afraid he was tired of putting up with her. Despite everything else she was going through, Kelly was glad that Jack hadn’t decided to cut her out of his life for good.

She didn’t answer the phone. She was still too emotional to appropriately deal with a friendly conversation. But she liked Jack and would like to be his friend.

Then she would have two. Reese and Jack.

It was a start.

She turned around and took her first step back toward her car.

Came to an abrupt, jerky halt.

There was a familiar black chauffeured car parked on the drive behind her car. And there was a familiar man standing beside it, wearing black clothes, his dark hair burnished by the sun.

She wasn’t close enough to see the expression in his eyes, but she could clearly tell that he was staring at her.

Feeling a lurching in her heart, Kelly took an instinctive step toward him, but something about his stiff stance made her stop again.

Whatever he was doing here, it wasn’t to sweep her up in his arms and take her home.

Kelly stared back at him, memorizing the proud lines of his lean form and slightly arrogant tilt of his chin.

They stared at each other for a full minute. Then Caleb got back into the car.

It immediately pulled out and drove away.

When she got back into her own car, Kelly sat behind the steering wheel for a few minutes before leaving.

She’d been planning to say goodbye to her parents this afternoon.

She hadn’t been planning to say goodbye to Caleb.

And it felt like that had just happened.

Caleb stared at his in-box, filled with new emails flagged by his assistant for immediate attention, and couldn’t summon the energy to even begin reading them.

If possible, he hated email more now than he had before, and not even his work ethic could force him into beginning this morning.

For the last two weeks, ever since Kelly had come to see him in his office and asked him to make a different choice, everything in his life seemed to have a pall on it that nothing would remove.

Working in his office, going to meetings, driving his car, eating dinner, walking Ralph in the park—none of it felt satisfying anymore. As if all of it had a gaping hole in it that simply wouldn’t be filled.

Kelly had done this to him.

He had done it to himself.

Both were equally true.

He turned his head when there was a tap on the door, and his assistant, Linda, stepped into his office.

“Hey,” he said, trying to sound friendly, although he didn’t feel that way. “Is it still just eight thirty on Monday?”

She gave him a sympathetic smile. “I’m afraid so. You’ll want to look at the message from George Farmer right away.” She nodded toward his computer monitor, where she could obviously see he’d not made any headway on the email.

“Thanks.”

He took the pages she walked over to hand him and glanced at them briefly before he signed each one.

He stared down at his signature on the last page for a long time, for no particular reason.

“I think it gets better,” Linda murmured when he made no move to hand the papers back.

Startled out of his reverie, he straightened up. “What does?”

She looked suddenly self-conscious and dropped her head. “I’m sorry, sir. It’s none of my business.”

He waved away her apology. “It’s fine. What were you talking about?” He knew, but he wanted to hear what she would say.

She looked like she wished she’d never brought the topic up, but she replied, “A breakup—like you had. I think it does eventually get better. Not that I’d know.”

She was single and evidently had been all of her life. Her world seemed to revolve primarily around working for him. Until the last couple of months his schedule had been so rigorous she wouldn’t have had much time in her life for anything else, even if she’d wanted it.

“Yeah,” he breathed out, hoping it was true but not really believing it.

His life wasn’t any different than it had been before he’d met Kelly. His schedule was back to normal, and work had become his top priority once again. He hadn’t fucked anyone since her, although he’d tried. He’d had a call girl visit him last week, but for some reason it had felt wrong and empty, so he’d sent her away before she’d done more than stroke his cock. Then last night he’d come on to a woman in a bar—hoping to feel more like his old self again. She was beautiful and more than willing, but he couldn’t summon any interest at all, so he’d left without picking her up.

Otherwise, though, his life was basically what it had been before Kelly. It just didn’t give him any satisfaction anymore.

That would change eventually, though. Surely it would change.

Realizing Linda was still standing next to his desk, he said, “I hope so. Thank you.”

He never would have admitted any vulnerability at all to his assistant in the past, so that felt different too.

When she walked out, he stared back at his email, pulling up the one from George Farmer.

It was a crisis. There was always some crisis or another. He just didn’t care anymore.

When his phone rang, he was glad of the distraction, but he paused when he saw who was calling.

Wes.

His friend had tried to call several times in the last couple of weeks, and Caleb hadn’t picked up.

It wasn’t Wes’s fault. None of it was. He’d genuinely been worried and had been trying to help.

But it felt too closely connected to Kelly for Caleb to be able to have a conversation with him yet.

He didn’t have the energy to let it keep ringing this morning, though, so he connected the call with a sigh.

“Hello.”

“Hey. Caleb. Thanks for picking up.”

“Yeah. Sorry I haven’t returned your calls. I’ve been…” He wasn’t sure how to describe how he’d been, so he concluded, “busy.”

“Are you pissed?”

Caleb thought for a moment before he answered. “No.”

“Are you…okay?”

Again Caleb had to think before he finally replied, “No.”

“Shit,” Wes muttered. “Did you…were you able to take care of her?”

His friend had no idea what had happened after he’d sent Caleb the information on Kelly’s adoption and her real identity. Caleb hadn’t told him anything. “No. I don’t really think I did.”

“Fuck, so she’s still going to cause trouble for you? I mean, about…” Wes trailed off, obviously hesitant to say it out loud.

Caleb had always been hesitant to say it out loud too. He’d told Wes more than he’d ever told anyone—and only because he’d been drunk one night shortly after it happened. He’d been so torn up about it back then that some of the story had spilled out. Wes didn’t know everything, but he knew enough to know there could be trouble. “No. She’s not. Her mother died last week, so there won’t be retaliation from that direction either. I think it’s just…over.”

“So why did she do this whole thing if she was just going to drop it?”

Caleb knew the answer to that. Kelly had told him herself. “She’s trying to let go. She says…” He couldn’t finish the sentence.

Wes waited for a long moment but then finally prompted, “She says what?”

“She says she fell in love with me. For real.”

He heard Wes’s quick intake of air. “Seriously? Do you think she means it?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, then, that’s good, isn’t it?”

Caleb gave a dry little laugh. “Why is it good?”

“Because you love her too, don’t you?”

Of course he loved her. As far as he could tell, he would love her until he died. “But that doesn’t change anything. She still used me. I still used her.” Caleb cleared his throat, still feeling the knot of dark guilt that just wouldn’t go away. “And I still knew what happened to her father and did nothing. How can she not continue to resent me for that? Neither of us has ever been in a healthy relationship, so even without all of the other stuff, the likelihood of making something work is slim. None of that is going to go away.”

“So it doesn’t go away. That doesn’t mean there’s nothing left at all. Does it?”

Caleb didn’t answer, but the question hit him strangely. Like it shocked something awake in his mind that had been in a coma before.

There is always more than one choice, Kelly had said. They weren’t living in a Greek tragedy where their lives were fated from the beginning. She’d said something like that too.

“Caleb?” Wes said, sounding worried. “If I screwed this up for you, I’m really going to hate myself.”

“It wasn’t you. It was never you. It was always me.” Caleb was muttering, speaking mostly to himself.

Wes evidently didn’t realize this because he responded, “Well, then, I guess that means you can fix it. If you want.”

“Yeah,” Caleb said, his breath picking up and an excitement building in his body he hadn’t felt since Kelly had walked out of this office two weeks ago. “Yeah. Maybe I can.”

There was always more than one decision he could make. He’d been ignoring one possibility since it never would have been on his radar before.

Three months ago he never would have dreamed of doing it. He would have done everything in his power to stop it from happening.

But now he realized he could do it. He wanted to do it.

It was the only thing that could possibly change the end of this story they were living.

The following afternoon he’d done everything he needed to do, and he was waiting with Ralph in the park.

The same park where he’d met Kelly on that very first day.

He was ten minutes early, and he’d worked himself up into an emotional fervor, waiting and hoping and praying she hadn’t changed her mind in the last two weeks.

It was possible. He hadn’t treated her well. But she’d seemed to understand him and want him anyway.

Maybe she still did.

Ralph seemed to sense his excitement and was running in exuberant circles.

Caleb felt like a fool, but he couldn’t seem to help it.

Because he was watching for her, he saw Kelly five minutes later when she appeared at the entrance of the park.

She was wearing one of her pretty hippie outfits, and she looked lovely and golden in the sunlight.

She was searching the park, looking for the client she was supposed to meet here.

He was the client, but she didn’t know that yet.

He called for Ralph and started walking toward her, drawn by a kind of yearning in his heart he’d never experienced before.

It felt different than it had before—like it was partly unreal, like it was a dream come true, like it was happening to someone other than him.

This was him. Caleb Marshall. And she was Kelly Watson, daughter of a research scientist who had been murdered to save a pharmaceutical company.

And they had both done what they’d done. But maybe it didn’t mean there was nothing left.

Maybe there was another choice.

Maybe there was something worthwhile to salvage in the wake of the destruction.

He saw the moment her eyes landed on his approaching figure. She seemed to freeze, even though he was still too far away to see her expression.

Ralph evidently recognized her and rushed over to greet her with panting joy.

She leaned down to pet the dog, but her eyes never left Caleb.

Soon he was close enough to see that she was pale and shocked and bewildered. But there was something small and hopeful underlying it on her face.

When he reached her, she stood up so she was facing him. “I was…I was supposed to meet a new client.”

“I’m your new client,” he admitted, having to hold himself back from reaching out to her.

She was exactly who he’d loved before—strong and vulnerable, loving and broken, golden with dark shadows underneath.

Deeply human, with a heart so much like his own.

She was panting visibly, and she wrapped her arms around her belly protectively. “You are?”

“I thought it would be a good idea to get a portrait done of Ralph, if you think you’re up for the job.”

Her eyes slipped down to the happy dog, who was bouncing slightly in a sitting position, but they darted back up to Caleb’s face. “I would love to paint him.”

“If you have room in your schedule.”

“I have plenty of room.” She took a shuddering breath. “Caleb, what is…what is going on? Is this…is this what I’m thinking?”

She looked so hopeful and fragile and confused that he could hardly resist pulling her into his arms. She was so close now. He almost had her now.

He just had to get through the last steps.

“You were right,” he said, his voice cracking strangely. He was too emotional. It wasn’t like him. “There is always more than one choice to make. So I’m making a different choice.”

The realization burst out like sunlight on her face. She wasn’t smiling but she was still radiating joy. “Really?”

He nodded, feeling a matching joy and an awkwardness at the same time. “Yes.”

“And all the rest of it, I mean, you’ll be okay with…” She could barely speak. She was hugging herself like she needed to hold the feelings inside.

“It wasn’t okay. I mean, we can’t just erase the past. So the choice I had to make was…was big.” He pulled out from his pocket a folded piece of paper he’d printed earlier. He opened it and handed it to her. “I’m submitting this to the board tomorrow morning.”

She took the paper with a shaky hand and stared down at the printed words.

She stared down at them for a really long time. So long that Caleb was suddenly nervous.

Finally, she lifted her eyes. “You’re…” She could barely speak. “You’re resigning?”

He nodded.

“Oh, God, Caleb.” Her hand was shaking so much he was worried, so he took the paper and folded it back in his pocket. “I never would have wanted you to do something like that. I never would have expected…You don’t have to…”

“I do. I do have to.” He couldn’t stand the distance between them anymore, so he reached out to cup her cheek with one hand. “Because you were right about what you said before. We’re not living in a Greek tragedy, but I’m still Claudius in this. And his problem was always that he refused to give up what he’d gained through his sins. I don’t want to live with that guilt around my neck my whole life. I got this job in part because your father was murdered—whether or not I was directly responsible—and I just don’t want it anymore.”

“You’re sure?” She’d raised a hand to cover the one he still had on her face. “Caleb, are you sure? I don’t want you to have to sacrifice something you love.”

“I was sacrificing what I loved before. I was sacrificing you. And you’re who I’m not willing to give up anymore. This is my choice. This is my different choice.”

She gave a little sob and threw herself on his chest, and he was finally able to wrap her in a tight embrace.

She was all feeling, all emotion, all depth and generosity and intelligence and courage and beauty.

And she was all his. He could feel it. He knew it for sure.

When she finally pulled away, tears were streaming down her face. “So what are you going to do?”

He gave her a little smile. “I thought maybe we could take a walk with Ralph.”

She sniffed and wiped her cheeks with the back of her hands. “I mean for a job.”

He’d known what she meant. “I don’t know, blossom. I really don’t know.”

They walked in the park, and then they drove back to Caleb’s house. Breah made them dinner, and then they were both so exhausted that they went to bed early.

Caleb wasn’t sure whether Kelly would want to have sex, since she seemed so incredibly tired, but she scooted over to kiss him as soon as he got under the covers.

They kissed deeply for a few minutes. Kelly’s lips were clinging and tender, and her embrace was passionate, almost desperate. Caleb wasn’t surprised to feel his arousal building with depth, with force.