Darker the Release (5 page)

She could come on to him—fuck him like an animal—and not really want it. She could say yes with her mouth and body and say no with her heart. She was deep and haunted and torn and human. And
human
.

Like him.

He didn’t want her saying no to him—not any part of her. He wanted what was between them to be real.

“Kelly,” he murmured, unable to resist the instinct to pull her into his arms.

She didn’t pull away. Her shoulders shook a few times, and she burrowed against his side.

So Caleb held her, had to acknowledge that she was desperately wounded from more than one experience in her past, that he hadn’t really been thinking about what was best for her.

He could see himself—as if from a distance—as he’d been brutally pounding into her body from behind, even as he’d somehow known that she wasn’t in the mood, that there was more going on with her than he wanted to acknowledge.

He stroked the tangled, golden glory of her hair.

And he thought about what she might have been trying to hide this evening with sex.

Caleb held Kelly for an hour or so, trying to figure everything out.

He just didn’t seem to be capable of thinking clearly this evening. In any way.

He kept going back to the idea that Kelly had started coming on to him after the strange interaction with Wes, and the suspicious part of his nature wondered if she had been using it as a distraction, trying to hide something from him.

But he couldn’t figure out anything that had to do with Wes that she could possibly want to hide.

Finally, when he could feel she’d completely relaxed in his arms, he murmured, “So what happened earlier? Why did you get so upset?”

She tensed briefly but then relaxed again. “I don’t know.”

“You know something.”

After a long moment she finally said, “Do you ever think something is a good idea at first but then, once you start down that road, you realize it’s not what you want at all? But then it feels like it’s too late to take it back?”

Caleb knew she was talking about the sex they’d had earlier, but he suddenly saw himself all those years ago, thinking there was an easy way to deal with a business problem that threatened to ruin him and then realizing how utterly wrong it was but being in too deep to take it back. He said softly, “Yeah. I’ve been there.”

“That’s all it was. Once I realized it wasn’t really what I wanted, it was too late to take it back.”

“It wasn’t too late. I would have stopped—”

“I know. Of course I know that. But it just felt…I don’t know.” She pulled out of his arms and straightened up so she was kneeling beside him on the bed. She looked down on him, her hair tumbling down her back and the straps of her little gown slipping off her shoulders. “It was my fault. I shouldn’t have had sex with you like that when I wasn’t in the mood. I’m sorry.”

A tension in his chest relaxed. In spite of everything, his body couldn’t help but respond to the sight of her kneeling above him, the lush outline of her breasts beneath the fabric of her gown, the full curve of her lips. “I’m sorry too.”

Kelly must have noticed the signs of his growing arousal, even though he had no intention of acting on it. The mood was deep and intense between them—almost uncertain in a way that wasn’t like either one of them.

Caleb wanted her as much as he always had, but he felt like she was somehow
more
than she’d ever been before.

Or maybe he was finally just recognizing all of who she was.

She still looked lost and confused and beautiful. Her breasts swayed slightly as she moved, and her hair cascaded down around her body as she leaned over him.

She pushed the covers down, slid her hand under his waistband, wrapped her fingers around his cock, and started pumping it steadily, her breasts jiggling slightly with her motion.

Caleb stared at her, feeling just as lost and confused as she looked. But he could sense some of the pulsing ache inside him transform to a building climax.

She was giving him something, but he wanted to give her something too. So he nudged at her thighs with his hand until she parted them further, and he slipped his fingers in between until he’d found her pussy.

She gasped when he maneuvered one finger and then two inside her. He started to move them.

So in breathless, fumbling silence, they brought each other to orgasm with their hands. It should have been embarrassing—like two groping teenagers instead of experienced adults. It was awkward, almost childish.

But Caleb couldn’t bring himself to care.

He felt Kelly’s hand on his cock as she built up the coiled tension in his body. He pumped and curled his fingers inside her. He stared at her twisted face, almost hidden by her hair, and at her tensing body.

Soon Caleb’s body was tensing too, and his pelvis was bucking a little.

He heard Kelly suck in a breath and freeze abruptly. Then whimper as she moved clumsily over his hand.

Her fingers clenched around his cock spasmodically until Caleb came too, with a grunt and an upward thrust.

Afterward Kelly fell asleep, his arm around her, her head resting against his chest.

Caleb didn’t sleep at all.

He stayed awake and brooded all night.

He wasn’t thinking about his business. He wasn’t thinking about Sean Moore and the secrets that could never come out. He wasn’t thinking about sins he could never atone for. He wasn’t thinking about Kelly’s ex-lover and the trauma from her past that she would never tell him.

He wasn’t even thinking explicitly about Kelly, although she was underlying every one of his thoughts.

As he lay in the dark until dawn, Caleb tried to remember all the women he’d fucked. All of the call girls, one-night stands, other men’s wives and girlfriends. Tried to remember their names, their faces, the color of their eyes.

And couldn’t.

He tried to remember the name of the last woman he’d fucked before Kelly. Only a couple of months ago, before Kelly had entered his life. She had been brunette—that one-night stand. Her name had been one of those silly diminutives, but he couldn’t even remember what it was.

Caleb wondered what she’d been like—for real, beyond the sex they’d had—what she might have really wanted. He wondered if she’d cried like Kelly had after he’d fucked her.

And the woman before her had been a call girl, a woman with a full history that had brought her to that place. And the one before that…he didn’t know.

An endless stretch of empty experiences.

Every one of the women Caleb had ever fucked had chosen it, had consciously agreed to it. They’d seduced him, asked him, begged him, accepted the money he’d offered them.

But Caleb wondered, as he lay beside Kelly that night and didn’t sleep at all, about every one of them—all of the women over all of the years who had somehow ended up in his bed.

They’d said yes. Every one.

But Caleb wondered how many of them had been silently saying no.

Kelly woke up alone.

She felt strange and heavy before she was fully conscious, before she could fully open her eyes. Then she rolled onto her back and stared up at the ceiling, remembering the long night before.

She felt different this morning—like she was a different person, like Caleb was a different person too.

But when she turned her head to look over at his side of the bed, she realized it was empty.

He was gone. It was Saturday, but that never stopped him from working. He was probably in his office even now, burying himself in work, remembering the man he’d always been.

He’d been vulnerable last night. Uncertain. Almost broken.

He wasn’t the kind of man who would allow that to continue.

It was good. It was just as well. It was hard enough for Kelly to do what needed to be done as it was. If Caleb became even softer, more human, then she might never be able to accomplish it.

The distance he needed this morning would serve her well too, and the twisting feeling in her gut—like she felt let down, betrayed, because he’d left without talking to her after what had happened last night—didn’t matter at all.

She rolled over and reached into her purse, which was on the floor next to the bed, for her phone.

It was habit, really. She wasn’t expecting there to be any messages—not coming in between two and seven on a Saturday morning.

But there was a message—from the unlisted phone number that Jack Martin, her private investigator, always used to contact her.

She glanced at the closed door of the bedroom, assuring herself that Caleb wasn’t around, and listened to the message.

“Hey,” Jack’s pleasant, lazy voice said in the message. “Call me when you get a chance. Progress.”

She stared down at her phone for a minute, her heartbeat picking up.

He wouldn’t have said there was a lead like that if he hadn’t found more evidence. And the evidence they were really waiting for was going to point them either toward Sean Moore’s guilt in her father’s death…or toward Caleb’s.

She never called Jack from Caleb’s house. He had all kinds of security measures set up, and it felt too dangerous to risk a call where she might be overheard or observed.

But she wouldn’t be able to get out of the house until the middle of the day—not without it looking suspicious—and she really wanted to know what Jack knew.

It would change things. It might change everything.

She couldn’t imagine the tender, uncertain man from last night actually killing her father. Caleb was cold and ambitious, but he wasn’t heartless, and her father had been innocent.

Surely—surely—she wouldn’t be feeling like this toward Caleb if he were actually that kind of monster. What she’d overheard last night could have meant something else. Kelly wasn’t naive, and she wasn’t weak. She wouldn’t have fallen for the man if he’d really killed her father.

She just wouldn’t have done it.

So, nearly shaking with anxiety and expectation, she took her phone into the bathroom.

She locked the door and triple-checked to make sure it was locked. Then she turned on the shower, figuring if Caleb or Breah, his housekeeper, came into the bedroom, they’d only hear the shower running.

She scanned the room carefully, but she knew there wouldn’t be a security camera in Caleb’s bathroom. There would be limits to even his paranoia.

Satisfied that she was as safe as it was possible for her to be in this house, she pulled up Jack’s number and connected the call.

She normally wouldn’t have called anyone this early on a Saturday morning, but he’d left the message less than an hour ago, so he must be up himself.

“Hey,” he said, picking up on the second ring. “I thought you’d be asleep.”

“I woke up early. Why aren’t you in bed?” She fell naturally into the light banter that was characteristic of her interactions with Jack, but her hands were shaking as the nerves coursed through her. He’d found something. Something she needed to know.

“One of my guys woke me up an hour ago. They have no respect for my beauty sleep.”

He was obviously expecting her to respond with teasing, as she normally would have, but she just couldn’t muster it. “Did your guy find something out?”

“Yeah,” Jack said, his tone changing to the professional one he used for work. “We uncovered an email trail. It was deleted from the server, but my computer guy somehow dug it up. I don’t know how the hell he does it, but he’s good.”

“What email trail?” Her voice was a little wobbly, but she was speaking softly, so she hoped he wouldn’t notice it.

“Between Sean Moore and the CEO at the time, Tom Earnest. It looks bad. Whatever happened, I think Moore was definitely involved.”

“What about Caleb?” She felt like her whole existence was poised on the edge of a cliff, and she was either going to fall backward onto the ground with a bump or fall forward into an endless void.

“He could be too, but he’s nowhere in the email trail. We still need more information.”

Kelly took a long, shuddering breath and sank down onto the bathroom floor, huddling up and trying to process this news. There was still a chance that Caleb might be innocent.

She wished she didn’t want it so much.

After a minute passed without her saying anything, Jack asked slowly, “You okay?”

“Yeah.” She felt almost like crying, but that was probably just the aftermath of the emotional night she’d had.

“Don’t get your hopes up,” Jack said, sounding a little hesitant. “We don’t have any real proof at this point, and even if he didn’t do this, you know he’s still not a good guy.”

“I know he’s not a good guy.”

“There’s no happy, rainbow-filled wedding for the two of you at the end of this.”

“I know that.” She stiffened her shoulders, Jack’s wry words actually helping her pull herself together. “I’m not a fool.”

“I know. But shit happens, and sometimes we’re not as smart as we should be. You’ve put yourself in a bad situation here, and I’d like to see you get out of it in one piece, if possible.”

“I get it. I want that too. So what needs to happen now? You said I might be able to—”

“Did you find out where they store the paper corporate records?”

“Yeah. There’s a storage area in the basement of the main headquarters, I guess. Caleb said that’s where they keep their old files. He was complaining about email, and I used that to ask him about paperwork. He says they only keep important stuff, and it’s all in fireproof cabinets underground.” She’d found out that information—like so much else she’d needed to know, by manipulating conversations to go the way she needed them to. She hated doing that to Caleb now, but she didn’t know enough yet to give up. “Why? What do you need?”

“There’s nothing in any electronic records we can access, so we need to check the paper records.”

“They’re not going to keep written proof of murder in the storage room.”

“You never know. But that’s not what I’m expecting to find. I want to get the personnel record of Earnest and then see if there’s anything on Moore or Marshall in there.”

“They evidently keep the storage area locked, but Caleb’s assistant has a master key in her desk. I saw her take it out when I stopped by last week. I might be able to—”

“No, no. My guys can do it. It’s too dangerous for you to try to get in there yourself.”

“But it’s dangerous for your guys too.”

“Yeah, but they’re professionals, and you’re not. Just give me a week or two, and we’ll figure out a way to get in there.”

Kelly bit her lip, hating the idea of waiting that long before they had concrete proof one way or the other.

Jack evidently sensed her hesitation. “You’re okay with keeping this charade up a little longer, aren’t you?”

“Yes, I’m fine. Just try to hurry it up.”

“I will. I want you out of there as soon as possible. In fact, you can probably leave now if you want.”

“I’m not going to leave until this is over. You might need something else from me, and I’m not going to walk away when we’re almost there.”

“Yeah.” He sighed. “I didn’t think so. Just be safe and hang tight, and my guys will get to the records as soon as possible.”

“Okay.” She hesitated before she added, “Have you talked to my mother lately?”

“Yes. She calls every day.”

“Is there—” Kelly broke off, hating how awkward she felt talking about her own mother. “Is there anything new with her?” Even if she’d wanted to, she couldn’t have a conversation with her mother. Talking on the phone would be risky, and Caleb had a bodyguard following her around all the time, because her supposed bloodthirsty Armenian ex-boyfriend with gang connections was still a threat, so it was very difficult to sneak away for a covert meeting.

“She’s going downhill, healthwise,” Jack said, his tone changing. “But she’s just as determined as ever. I’ve never met anyone as driven as she is.”

“Yeah.” She sighed, feeling heavy and poignant. “My dad’s death consumed her whole world—even more than mine. It’s an obsession for her now. Nothing is going to soften her at this point. Let me know if…if her health gets even worse.” Her mother was supposed to have at least another month, but those kinds of prognoses were never perfectly accurate.

“I will.”

“And call me if you find out anything else.”

“Will do.”

She hung up the phone and stepped into the shower, since she needed to be wet if anyone had heard her in the bathroom like this. She soaped up and rinsed quickly, deciding not to wash her hair. She’d washed it yesterday evening before the party, and it took forever to dry.

She turned the shower off, dried off, and put her nightgown back on, since she hadn’t brought any clothes into the bathroom with her.

The bedroom was still empty when she opened the door. Caleb was probably working, distancing himself from her to get his bearings back after last night.

It was just as well. Even if he wasn’t guilty, she couldn’t get any closer to him than she already was.

He’d pulled away this morning. It was good. It was better.

It was nothing to be disappointed about.

“Good morning,” came a warm, cultured voice from the bedroom door, which had just opened. “I was trying to get back before you woke up.”

Caleb walked in the room, barefoot, bare-chested, wearing only a pair of black trousers. He wasn’t smiling, but there was something oddly hesitant in his eyes.

Kelly whirled around, startled, gaping at him.

He blinked, his eyes slipping down to her body but not lingering. “I was hungry,” he explained, his voice low and almost sheepish. “I thought maybe you would be too.” He nodded down at the tray he was carrying, which Kelly had barely registered before.

On the tray were a silver coffee pot, two mugs, a small bowl of fruit, and a covered plate of what smelled like waffles.

“Oh,” Kelly mumbled, all of her newfound purpose and clarity exploding into bewilderment again.

Caleb’s eyebrows drew together, and four little lines appeared on his forehead. “Are you all right?”

“Yeah. I guess I am kind of hungry. I just took a shower.”

He gave her a little smile. “I see that. But since you’re still in your nightgown, I figure maybe you’re still up for breakfast in bed.”

She made herself smile back at him, feeling ridiculously nervous and self-conscious. “Of course.”

As she came back to the bed, Caleb put the tray down on the nightstand and sat on the edge of the bed. He looked oddly self-conscious too—she couldn’t remember ever seeing him appear so out of place. The uncharacteristically hesitant look in his eyes made her belly clench strangely.

Smiling at him shyly, she came over and sat on the edge of the bed next to him. “Hi,” she said, feeling silly, like she was on a first date or something.

“Hi,” he said quietly, studying her face closely, as if he were trying to read her mind.

She shifted, trying to feel her way back to familiar ground. “I thought you’d left.”

His brown eyes never wavered from her face. “After last night it would have been kind of insensitive to leave you alone without a word.”

“I know, but I thought…” She cut her words off abruptly, realizing what she’d been about to say.

“You thought insensitivity wouldn’t have stopped me from doing it.” His voice held no accusation—not toward her or toward himself.

Kelly gulped. She was trying her best to play her normal sexy role here—to lure him in and keep him off guard—but her wildly fluttering heartbeat was real. And her burning cheeks were real. And the flip-flopping of her belly was real.

Something had changed. She’d felt it in herself this morning, and now she felt it in Caleb too.

As if they weren’t exactly the same people they’d been before the party last night.

Peering up at him through her eyelashes, she explained in a rush, “Yeah. I mean, no, not really.” Well, that had been absolutely brilliant. “I mean, I didn’t know if last night had been as…significant to you as it was to me.”

And that revealed way too much. Far more than she’d ever been in the habit of revealing about her own feelings.

To anyone.

Caleb lifted his eyebrows slightly. “Didn’t you?”

Damn. Despite the thing that felt different between them, she’d thought she could trust that Caleb wouldn’t want to have a soul-searching conversation. Evidently she was wrong about that too. “Well, I could see you were…unsettled by what happened, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything serious. Sometimes weird things happen and they don’t have a lasting impact.”

“Last night doesn’t fit into that category.”

Kelly squirmed again, her cheeks still deeply flushed with what felt like embarrassment—although she had no idea why she would be embarrassed. “Okay,” she mumbled, avoiding Caleb’s deep, sober gaze. When he didn’t respond, she added, “I guess I just don’t know where to go from here. Last night was…kind of hard. For both of us. Does that change things between us?”

Caleb reached a hand out and gently turned her face to the side and then up, so she was looking at him. Holding her gaze, Caleb murmured, “Kelly, listen. I know you have parts of your past that you’re not ready to tell me. But give me an honest answer to this. Do you actually want to be with me?”