Daughter of Light (39 page)

No, I had made the agreement. It was better that I
knew in advance so I could find a way to prepare myself.

“Okay,” I told my doctor. “I’ll talk to my husband and bring him in when you do the testing and when you have the results.”

So all of it came down to this, I thought when I left the doctor’s office. From the moment I had decided to get up from the table in that restaurant and hitch a ride with Moses in that tractor-trailer until now, all that I had done to start a new life, my love affair and marriage to Liam, my finding a new family, all of it now depended on one of two words, “boy” or “girl.” Somewhere not far away, Daddy was waiting to swoop in when it was time to do so and claim his prize. What would he do with her? How would he bring her up? Would he do all that he had done with me? And when she was old enough to understand, what would he do with her then?

Maybe he would find a way to use her the way he used his own daughters, at least until she had grown too old for it. Maybe she would become some sort of a servant, working beside Mrs. Fennel. Maybe Daddy would have a child with her to see what that child would be like. She would never know me or her father or any of this family. They’d probably tell her she was an orphan, too.

I left the doctor’s office, and even though it was a bright, sunny day with cotton dab clouds scattered over a mellow blue sky, I felt as if I should have an umbrella. The rain would fall, only instead of drops of water, there would be drops of blood.

Instead of returning to work after my doctor visit, I called Liam and asked him to meet me at a coffee shop on the corner.

“Is something wrong?” he asked, his voice already starting to shake with anxiety.

“Just come. I need to talk to you,” I said, and hung up.

He parked in front of the shop less than ten minutes later and hurried to my table on the patio.

“You want a coffee?”

“No, what’s wrong?” he asked, and waved the waiter off.

“I have not been completely honest about my family,” I began. It was odd, but whenever I lied about my family, created these fictions, I saw Daddy and Ava smiling. After all, I was confirming what they had predicted, the difficulty that I would always have after I left them.

“What do you mean?”

“I was afraid of scaring you off once I told you.”

He sat back, smiling now. “There’s nothing you can tell me, Lorelei, that would scare me off of you. Forget
it. Just say it and get it over with. We’ve got things to do. It’s a busy day.”

I nearly smiled, too.
Why don’t I tell him all of it?
I thought. Could any man’s love for a woman be strong enough to withstand such truth?

“There have been some abnormalities on my mother’s side.”

“Abnormalities? Like what?”

“My mother had a younger sister with Down syndrome. She died about ten years ago. Supposedly, there were two cousins on her father’s side who had similar problems.”

He nodded, his face tightening as his eyes darkened. “I see.”

“We have to go forward and have a CVS test done. Since there are some possible gender chromosome problems, we’ll know the sex of our baby.”

“Oh, that’s not really something that would bother me. I just wanted to keep the surprise, but in this case, of course. When are you doing this?”

“I’d like to do it immediately, now. I’m far enough along.”

“Okay.” He reached for my hand. “We’ll get through whatever it is, Lorelei, and I don’t blame you one bit for keeping your secret. In fact, it tells me how much you love me, how much you wanted to be sure we would be together.”

Oh, Liam,
I thought,
you are a hopeless romantic after all. You have been so misjudged, but not by me. But what would you be like if you knew the truth and if you knew what bargain I had made with my father?
Looking into
Liam’s trusting and loving eyes now made me despise my father more than I had thought possible. Look at the situation in which he had placed me. He had never really agreed to let me go. He had let me have this fling with a normal life, which would ironically bring me more pain than a long life with him and my sisters.

I returned to work with Liam, and two days later, he and I went into my doctor’s office to have the diagnostic procedure. She removed some chorionic villus cells from my placenta at the point where it attached to the uterine wall. Using an ultrasound guide, she moved a thin catheter through my cervix to my placenta and, as she described it, gently suctioned the CV cells into a catheter.

“I’m putting a rush on it,” she told us. “I’ll call you as soon as I have the results.”

Liam did his best to fill my every waking hour with something to distract me and to distract himself just as much, although he put on a good act pretending to be cool about it all. Every once in a while, he would repeat, “We’ll deal with it, whatever it is, and it won’t change us one bit.”

We decided not to tell anyone else. I wouldn’t tell Julia, and he wouldn’t tell his father especially.

“It’s our business now. Later, if we have to, we’ll have a family meeting about it,” he said. I knew he was thinking that if we had a genetically abnormal baby, we would seriously consider my aborting.

Sometimes during this waiting period, I almost wished that would be the result. What could Daddy do about that? It wasn’t my fault. Perhaps Liam and I
would adopt. In a way I would have found an avenue of escape, wouldn’t I? Then I would feel terrible hoping for such a result. How selfish, I thought. I was certainly not considering Liam’s feelings, and I didn’t think I could survive the pity everyone would direct at me. I’d drown in it. In the end, it could very well destroy our marriage and send me back to my father and my sisters.

Maybe I wouldn’t do that, either. Maybe I would swim out in the ocean on a moonlit night and tread water for a few minutes before lifting my hands toward the sky and sinking into the dark, cool grip of death below.

It was Dr. Steffen’s receptionist who called me at the office to tell me that Liam and I should come to her office at four.

“Why didn’t she call me herself?” I demanded, my voice trembling.

“She’s delivering a baby.”

“Well, are there results?”

“I’m sorry. You’ll have to speak with the doctor,” she replied.

I thanked her, and then, shaking as I stood, I went down to Liam’s office. He was on the phone. He held up his hand while he finished his call quickly and then cradled the receiver, his face full of anticipation.

“Her secretary called. She’s delivering a baby. She wants us there at four.”

“Fine. Take it easy,” he said, coming around his desk. “Don’t read anything into anything yet. You want to go back to work, or do you want me—”

“No, no, I’ll work. I don’t want to think,” I said.

Every once in a while, I would get up and go to the window to look out at the street. I had a very strong feeling that Daddy was out there, waiting to hear the news and as anxious about it as I was. I didn’t see him, but that didn’t mean anything. I felt him.

The hours seemed to drag. I hated the hands of the clock for being so slow. Fortunately, Ken was out on a job, so he didn’t see how nervous I was. He would have been able to tell that something was seriously wrong. He could read me well by now.

At three thirty, Liam came for me. He tried to get me to talk, but I just shook my head. He held my hand as we walked out of the plant, and we drove in silence to the doctor’s office.

She had a patient before us, and unfortunately, that ran past four o’clock. Finally, we were told to go in. Liam kept his arm around my waist as if he anticipated that I might faint.

Dr. Steffen stood up as soon as we entered and smiled.

“Everything is looking very good,” she said. “There is nothing to worry us.”

“Oh, thank God,” Liam said.

“Do we have a girl or a boy?” I asked, barely above a whisper.

“You don’t have to know. There are no gender issues.”

“I want to know!” I said, so sharply that she lost her smile.

Liam loosened his grip around my waist. I glanced at him and saw the confusion. Then he smiled and nodded. “Yes, please, Dr. Steffen,” he said.

“You’re going to have a boy,” she said.

I didn’t know I was sinking until I felt Liam’s arm around my waist again, only tightening this time. He guided me quickly to a chair.

Dr. Steffen came rushing over. “What is it, Lorelei?” she asked.

“I just . . . the anticipation . . .”

“Yes, yes, understandable. I’m sorry you had to wait, but I would have called you immediately if there was bad news,” she said. “Just catch your breath. She’ll be fine,” she told Liam.

He looked concerned but also confused. “You were hoping for a girl. Is that it?” he asked.

I knew that if I didn’t bring my hand to my mouth, I would burst into a mad laugh. I swallowed it back and shook my head.

“Maybe the next time,” Dr. Steffen said.

“Sure,” Liam said.

Dr. Steffen brought me some water and then insisted on checking my blood pressure. “Just take her home to rest,” she told Liam.

“Will do. Thanks, Doc,” he said. “Well,” he said as we started out, “we have another good reason to celebrate. Why don’t we go to the Spenser House? I feel like their rack of lamb.”

“Maybe, after a little rest,” I said.

“Sure.”

We drove to the mansion, and he helped me into bed.

“I’ll just head back to the office and finish up some things,” he told me. “I’ll let Mrs. Wakefield know that she should check up on you.”

“No, no. I’ll be fine, Liam.”

“Okay,” he said. He kissed me and left.

I was far more tired than I had imagined, and the moment I closed my eyes, I fell asleep. I think Mrs. Wakefield did stop by to check on me. I thought I opened my eyes for a moment and saw her standing there. Finally, I woke up. When I looked at the clock, I saw that it was nearly seven. Where was Liam? I rose, washed my face, and headed downstairs. Mrs. Wakefield was setting the table in the dining room.

“Oh, how are you, dear?” she asked.

“I’m okay. Where’s Liam?”

“He called about a half hour ago to say he would be tied up until seven thirty. There’s some sort of crisis on a job, and Mr. Dolan was unable to get there, so he went. He said to tell you that he’ll take you to the Spenser House tomorrow night. I’ve got dinner organized. Nothing to worry about.”

“Okay,” I said.

It all sounded harmless enough. It wasn’t the first time there was such an emergency since I started working at Dolan Plumbing Supply, and I was sure it wouldn’t be the last, but I couldn’t help being paranoid. Would I always be? Was that the lasting curse upon me for deserting my family, deserting Daddy?

I looked out the window and saw that it was becoming a night like the night I had imagined for my fatal escape into the ocean. The moon was full, the glow
strong. I stepped out through the patio doors in the dining room and walked toward the front of the large house. From there, I could look off toward the tract of land Liam’s father had given us. We’d have just as good a view. I imagined the house, my bedroom, and even saw myself standing there and looking out toward the ocean.
Won’t I be very happy?

I stood there dreaming about my future, raising my children, enjoying this family, all of us gathering in the mansion for holidays, Julia and Clifford having children of their own, Ken probably remarrying, all of the birthdays to come, anniversaries to celebrate. We’d have many good friends, too.

“It seems you have escaped,” I heard, and I turned around quickly to see him not come out of the shadows as much as become shaped by them. The darkness, despite the strong glow of the full moon, seemed impregnable, his coat of armor and his shield. He stepped closer toward me until he was only inches away. Would he wipe me off the face of the earth in one motion? He had brought me here; he could take me away.

“You know,” I said.

“Of course. I could see it in your face even if I didn’t know, Lorelei. I must say, I am surprised. I didn’t think Liam’s genetic contribution would overpower yours, or should I say mine. Maybe if any of my daughters wanted it as much as you do, it would also turn out this way for them. I don’t know. See? There are things I don’t know.”

“What will you do, Daddy?”

“Do? There’s nothing more for me to do here, Lorelei.
I told you, warned you, that once you became pregnant with one of them, you would lose all of the protection you had. You’re as vulnerable to all of the dangers and pain this world gives them. You made your choice. I’ll miss you. I have missed you, but I have made you a promise, and I will keep it. Most likely, we’ll never see each other again.

“I’m leaving with your sisters and Mrs. Fennel for Europe. It’s our time to return to Hungary. We have family there. Don’t worry. I’ll speak with Ken Dolan and explain that my business is taking me away. I’ll leave my return vague, and from time to time, I’ll send you a letter or a postcard.” He laughed. “Maybe even an e-mail. I really don’t like e-mail. I like the penmanship of a letter, something that you can keep pressed between the pages of a book.