Days Like This (24 page)

I DIDN’T MAKE it any farther
than the steps of his apartment before I couldn’t stop crying. I wasn’t mad at
Graham—I was mad at myself. I’d tried so hard not to be like my mom, not to let
her illness or her way of living be my own, that I turned myself into my
father. Into someone who couldn’t handle the bipolar, someone too afraid to
live, someone who left. Mom was more consistent than him. Even when she was in
a manic state or depressed, she was there. She’d never left me.

Graham had
always been my constant, too. He’d done the right thing with my dad that day.
Even though it fucking sucked. He had a point that my dad couldn’t wait a day,
let alone stay through all the ones that followed. I was wrong before to think
Graham couldn’t handle me being sick. I was the one who couldn’t handle it.

Being with him
forever scared me. I’d said I’d marry him because I loved him, and I wanted to
be that person he wanted me to be, but Cassie Before didn’t know herself at
all. I was only just meeting myself. How could I have been what he wanted me to
be when I didn’t know what I wanted?

I wiped my
eyes because that Cassie was gone.

This Cassie
was on her way to knowing what she wanted.

After a few
more minutes, I went back upstairs. Graham was sitting on his couch, staring at
the door. When I came in, he crossed the small space in a couple steps.

“I’m sorry,”
we both said at the same time.

“I want us to
stop apologizing to each other. I don’t blame you for my dad,” I said. It
wasn’t everything I had to say, but right now I couldn’t say it all to him. We
could talk about it later. He reached out and wiped a tear off my cheek.

 “I love you,”
he said. Then he kissed my cheek and closed the space between us. “I missed
you.”

My other
cheek. “I want you.”

My nose. “So
much.”

He pressed his
lips against mine softly, and when he parted we were both smiling.

“You know what
I want?” he whispered against my lips.

“What?”

“Food. I’m
freaking starving.”

“COME ON,” GRAHAM said.

“I’m in my
pajamas. Let me go home first,” I said, but Graham lead me toward his house
anyway and into the kitchen. No one was there.

“I told you it
would be fine,” he said with a cocky half-smile. He loved being right, and I
rarely gave it to him. He could have this one.

“Look,” he
said, snatching a letter off the fridge. I moved toward him, and read it over.

Dear Son,
Glad you are alive! You didn’t come down for breakfast or lunch. Your father
said he saw you last night for a few minutes; we went to dinner. Hopefully, we
will see you in the morning? I whipped you up a little something and put it on
the second shelf. See you later. Love, Mom and Dad.

P.S. Hi,
Cassie
.

“Oh my God,
Graham!”

He laughed.
“What’s on the shelf I wonder?” He yanked the door open and started laughing
some more. When he turned around, he held a huge stack of blackberry pancakes.

The same thing
we ate the first time his parents found us together.

Mortifying.

“You’re so cute
when you blush,” Graham said, kissing me again.

I STUMBLED HOME as the sun
rose. The sky trailed with pinks and oranges, and it was the most beautiful
morning. I stopped near the fence and took it in, and I could only smile. I was
with Graham, and I was happy again. Whatever happened next with him going to
school, I was happy. I walked toward my house and words played through my head.

The sky is
falling but I don’t care // Let it fall // I’m not scared at all // Nothing can
hurt me when I’m with you // everything is brighter, life is renewed // you
kiss me like there’s no tomorrow // and if there’s not then // I won’t care //
outside us it all falls apart // the world is lost, but you have my heart //
the sky is falling and I’m not scared // I know how it feels // I’m falling too

Pieces of
the world rain down // like snowflakes // like heartaches // it’s the end of
days // and I’m wrapped in you // where lights are brighter // seas are bluer //
clouds will catch me // when they fall // your lips on mine // until the end of
time // the sky is falling but I’m not scared // the sky is falling // let it
fall // let it fall

I wrote it
down as soon as I got into the house, and Mom greeted me, but I didn’t want to
forget any of it. When I was done, I looked up at her and noticed the smooth
sound of Sinatra. Mom had a smile face that reminded me of June. “Another night
at Graham’s?”

I shrugged,
closing the notebook. “Yeah.”

“I bet you’re
tired.”

“Mom!”

Mom laughed
and held up her hands in defense. “June called ten minutes ago. Those were her
words!”

June. I’d
called her after the pancake incident two days ago, and before she’d even said
“hello,” her first words were, “You finally nailed that, didn’t you?” The whole
conversation was a downward slope of June-ness from there.

I joined Mom at
the bar. “Did she say what she wanted? It’s like 8 a.m. in LA. June isn’t a
morning person.”

Mom shrugged.
“She said she’d email you.”

“Sorry, I
haven’t been here much.”

Mom shook her
head. “I was young and in love once,” she said, moving through the house. I
hadn’t told her about Dad. I figured I’d ask Dr. Lambert first.

I poured
myself some coffee and logged into my email. Three emails. One from June, one from
the dean at Butler, and one from Yellow Stripe Records. Was this one of my
internships? I hadn’t applied to Yellow Stripe. I clicked on the email.

 After
reviewing your resume and receiving some highly recommended referrals per your
application for a production internship with our label, we would love to
schedule a phone interview.

I didn’t apply
here or send referrals. “Weird.”

“What’s
wrong?” Mom asked.

I scanned the
email again. This had to be a mistake. “Yellow Stripe Records emailed me about
an internship? I didn’t send them any information.”

“I know. I did.”

I shot around
in my chair to look at her. She did? “What?”

Mom lowered
the page, and moved to stand next to me. “Well, June and I did. I spoke with
her last week. That was fast! They must’ve liked you.”

“Mom.”

She reached
over me and scrolled down on my laptop. “What?”

“What’d you
do? Catch me up here.”

Mom smiled. “I
knew you wanted this, so I called June. We did the paperwork, and she and I
found you some references, and she called her friend Rohan.”

Rohan. He did
that for me?

Mom continued,
sitting next to me. “The current CEO is the daughter of an old client, so I
made a call and mentioned that you applied. A bug in her ear, that’s all music
is anyway. A really great bug.”

“You and June
did this?”

“Catch up,
Cassie. We did,” Mom said. Her smile was bright and large. “So, now you have an
interview. You’re one step closer.”

I didn’t know
what to say, so I did the only thing I could think of and hugged her.

A FEW DAYS later, I was in
Dr. Lambert’s office. I wasn’t the same girl I had been a few days before. It
was impossible to change overnight, yet parts of me had. The prospect of an
internship, of a direction, was exciting, and Graham was the best of all.

“The interview
went well?”

I nodded. “It
did! They want me to come up in person in a couple weeks.”

“You think
this is something you’d enjoy?” she asked.

I smiled.
Think wasn’t the right word. “No, I know I’d love it.”

“And what does
Graham say?”

I shifted.
“He’s okay with it.”

“Supportive?”

I didn’t want
to leave him, but we’d talked about this. A little, anyway. “It would be hard,
but yes. He’s very supportive.”

“What aren’t
you telling me?”

How did she
know that? It must’ve been some sort of superpower. I’d been thinking a lot about
my father since Graham told me what happened.

“He met my
father once,” I started. Dr. Lambert leaned forward and I retold her the story
Graham told me. She nodded, and stared at me intently.

“What’s your
response to that?”

“I was in
shock, obviously.”

“Were you
angry?”

“A little, but
I can’t be mad at him for doing the exact same thing I did.”

I could’ve
sworn she smiled. “Which is?”

“I tried to
protect him. He tried to protect me. We both ended up miserable because of it.
I keep wondering what would have happened if he told me, you know? How things
could have gone different ways.”

“Does that
make it easier?”

“No,” I said.
“More confusing.”

“Do you want
to know your father, Cassie?”

I paused. Yes.
But he left. He left twice, and I didn’t know if I could handle a third. We
couldn’t make people stay, no matter how much we wanted them to. This life
wasn’t for him, and I knew all about trying to fit a mold you couldn’t fit
into. “Part of me says yes; the other part thinks maybe it’s better without
him. What do you think?”

She lowered
her hands into her lap. “I can’t answer that for you. No one can except
yourself.”

“I figured.”

There was
nothing else to say about it right now.

Dr. Lambert
took my silence and changed the subject. “How long until Graham has to leave
for school?”

“Six weeks.”

I RAN MY FINGERS through
Cass’s hair. I slept better with her beside me. That fear of waking up alone,
of losing something in my sleep that I couldn’t hold on to that had plagued me
every night, seemed to vanish now that she was back there beside me, and that
she wanted to be there. I wanted her there forever. But right now, forever felt
very close to ending.

It’d been
three weeks since we made up, and in four weeks I was going to Texas. Neither
of us had talked about school—or about the interview she flew to New York City
for last week—but we both knew they were closing in on us.

Cassie stirred
as I moved from the bed, but she didn’t wake. I couldn’t believe how quickly we
fell back into a pattern of her and me, of us. It was like we were never apart.
That was almost easy to believe, except we’d both grown. I felt it, and I saw
it each time I looked at her. It was like she was rejuvenated, especially because
she’s had these interviews in the city. Purpose looked good on Cassie.

The morning
sun poured through my window, and I glanced out at the half-fixed fence. I had
spent more time with Cassie than I had on that fence. I had to finish it before
I left. To leave something as a standing reminder of what we’ve been through to
get wherever we ended up. I kissed Cassie’s forehead and got the work boots out
of my closet. I had a fence to finish.

CASSIE NEVER LET me drive the
convertible, so when she threw me the keys I knew our day out was more than a
date at the beach. But I didn’t question it, because Cassie did things in her
own time. I knew that.

We found this
little spot of empty sand where the shore and the grass started to come back
together. We could see everything across the beach from there.

“It’s a nice
day,” I said. “This was a good idea.”

I kissed her neck
twice before she turned into me and met my lips. For the moment, we took it
slow, but then there was nothing slow about it. She was mine and I was hers,
and there was no one else around to stop us or see us or separate us.

When we
stopped for air, my whole body inhaled it. Soaked it up. Cass was a sponge and
being with her seemed to steal parts of me. It was an intoxicating effect, one
that had never gone away. Not since that first time I kissed her all those
years ago at our fence.

“I got a call
this morning,” Cassie said.

I could feel
this coming. This only meant one thing. “From the label?”

She smiled.
“They want me.”

“Shit, that’s
fantastic, Cass.”

I meant it. I
really wanted this for her. This was going to be good for her. She loved music.
She’d always loved it—long before she loved me.

“I know. I’m excited.”

She smiled,
but I could tell she was sad. I could ignore that part for now. “What are the
details?”

“They house
me, pay me, and we take it six months at a time. Apparently, they loved me.
They think I have the right spirit, whatever that means. Recommendations from
Mom, one of my professors and Rohan didn’t hurt.”

I tensed a
little at Rohan’s name. In my head, there was never a Rohan. I didn’t like
thinking about Cass with another guy at all. Let alone a famous musician whose biggest
hit was about her.

I kissed her
quickly. She was going to be so good at this. I was trying to contain my
excitement, but Cassie was made for music. “When do they want you?”

“Two weeks.
I’ll leave the day after you.”

There it was.
The real reason we were out here. We’d talked about this a lot. She wouldn’t be
happy if she followed me. I wouldn’t have been happy if I tried to change my
plans. We each had to find our own way.

“That’s great,
Cassie.”

“Is it?” she
asked, her big eyes staring up at me.

“Yes,” I said.

“I don’t want
to leave you,” she said. She looked down, biting the side of her cheek. This
wasn’t happening. She wasn’t going to stand in her own way, not because of me.

I tilted her
chin up to look at me. “You’re going to New York. I’m going to Texas.”

“We’re going
to be apart,” she said.

“We knew it
was coming.”

“I just got
you back, Graham.”

I pushed down
the sadness I felt. If she saw me upset, she’d be upset. She had to go. “We’re
not that far apart.”

“Only New York
and Texas.”

“You always
wanted an adventure. This is ours. Together.”

She smiled and
kissed me. I wanted to touch her as much as I could. When we parted, she rested
her head on my shoulder. “What if you move there and meet a girl? What if you
fall madly in love?”

“I am madly in
love.”

“With someone
else.”

She’d asked
this question a few times already. I knew she loved me; she knew I loved her,
but she had this fear of holding me back from something better. I didn’t want
anything better because it didn’t exist.

“I won’t,” I
said.

“You don’t know
that.”

I chuckled.
“What if you fall in love with some musician?”

She shoved me.
“I’m serious. It could happen.”

“I know.”

And deep down,
I did. Love was one thing, but life wasn’t predictable. We couldn’t map it out.
I didn’t want to think of ending up with anyone else.

“I don’t want
to be that couple that tried to make it work long distance and ended up hating
each other,” she said.

I sighed. “So
what then?”

“I don’t
know.”

“Me, either.”

We were both
quiet for a beat before I pulled her to her feet, and drug her into the ocean.
I didn’t have the answers either, but we had two weeks, and I was going to
spend all of it with her.