Days of You and Me (21 page)

“I guess maybe that’s true. But Nate would’ve died much differently. His last months wouldn’t have been as happy as they were. So would I go back and do things differently, knowing what I do now?” I shook my head. “I can’t say that for sure. I only know what was, and what is. I can’t say what might have been, and I sure as hell can’t say what will be. The future’s so murky now. It’s dark. Sometimes I feel like it’ll never be bright again.”

Leo’s brows knit together, but before he could say anything else, I went on speaking, blurting out the words that had been sitting heavy on me for the last day.

“My mother is having an affair with the dry cleaner. Or maybe not an affair, but a relationship. And she’s selling our house, and they’re going to travel.”

“Um, what?” He shook his head. “Your mother? And the dry cleaner—wait, is that Shane?”

“Apparently.” I crossed my arms over my chest, sinking back into the chair.

“Huh, really? Well, he’s a nice guy.”

I rolled my eyes. “I’ve already been well acquainted with the finer points of Saint Shane, thanks very much.”

Leo nodded his head slowly. “Ah. Okay.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I frowned.

“Just that now I understand why you’re here. You got upset at your mother, and so you came down here, looking for a place where you could run away.”

Leo’s words, spoken so matter-of-factly, struck so close to home that I flinched. “No. That’s not why I’m here.”

One side of his mouth curled a little. “Isn’t it?”

“No, in fact, it isn’t.” I jumped to my feet. “I came to see you because you’re my friend, my oldest friend, and I was upset. I needed someone I could talk to. I needed a little—” I threw my hands in the air. “I don’t know, some support? A little empathy?”

“You could’ve gone to Zelda or to Gia. They’re both closer to you.” He gazed up at me, his face carefully blank.

My throat tightened. “Closer geographically, but . . . I didn’t want them. I wanted to see you. No one else would understand—I mean, dammit, Leo! Do you not get why I’m upset? My mother dropped this bomb on me after everything I’ve been through the last year. All I wanted was a little peace. A little time where nothing changes. Is that asking too much?”

Leo sighed and dropped his head into his hands. “Listen to yourself, Quinn. Your mom . . . she didn’t do this
to
you. Think about it. She’s probably been keeping quiet about it for a while, because she didn’t want to upset you. How long did you want her to sit on it? Another month? Six months?”

“Forever works for me,” I snapped.

“Be reasonable.” He smacked his knee. “God, Quinn. You’re an adult. You’re old enough to understand that your mother deserves a little happiness, aren’t you? And what you’ve gone through the last year—it’s not your mom’s fault. She didn’t make that decision.”

My mouth sagged open. “What else was I supposed to do, Leo? Nate asked me to marry him. He told me it was the only thing he wanted. His dying wish. What the fuck was I supposed to say to that?”

“How about a simple no?”

I wanted to stomp my foot like a child. “And then what? What would’ve happened to Nate?”

Leo shrugged. “The same thing that happened to him anyway. I know it sounds heartless, Quinn, but it’s the truth. No one held a gun to your head to marry Nate. The whole situation sucks, for sure. No one’s arguing about that. But don’t bitch about your mother not respecting your need for time and peace when you’re the one who chose to take that step.”

I closed my eyes, pressing my fists to my forehead. “I can’t believe you’re still so mad about this. I thought by now, with Nate . . . gone, you’d be over it. I thought we could move on.”

“I don’t think you’re ready to move on yet, Quinn. Have you decided where you’re going to live? Have you gone back to work? Made a plan for what comes next?”

“No,” I growled, glaring at him. “No, I haven’t. I’ve been wallowing for weeks. Is that what you want to hear? I haven’t done anything. Not until today, when I got on a train and came to you.”

Leo blinked up at me. “Why did you come to me, Quinn?”

When I opened my mouth to repeat what I’d said before—that I was upset about my mother’s news—Leo interrupted me. “The truth. Don’t blame your mom or use her as an excuse. I want to know why you came down here to see me. The real reason.”

My eyes burned with tears, and I bit my lip so hard, I thought I might draw blood. It was hard to breathe. I finally croaked out a response.

“I wanted to see you. I wanted to talk to you. I needed to know . . . where we stand, you and me. I can’t go on, I can’t make any plans, until I know that. I thought, maybe, that we could figure out some stuff.”

Leo exhaled, rubbing a hand over his face. “Yeah, I was afraid that was it.”

I felt like kicking him. “Then why did you make me say it?”

He lifted one shoulder. “Maybe I needed to hear you say it. I didn’t want to assume you were here for anything more than just a shoulder to cry on.”

The mad that had gripped me began to fade into trepidation. “Is that all you are to me now? Just a shoulder?”

“What else do you want me to be?” There was no inflection in his tone, no hint of what he might be feeling.

“God, Leo, are you really going to make me say it? I want you to be . . . more than just my friend. I want us to be who we were.” I dropped down to hunch in front of him, venturing to lay one hand on his knee. “Before Nate and I . . . remember last year? At Matt’s funeral? You begged me not to marry Nate. You said we still had a chance. Now we can be together.”

Leo stared into my eyes, but for the first time in years, I couldn’t see past the guarded shell. For a long moment, he didn’t move.

And then he glanced away, focusing on a spot over my shoulder. His jaw set, and his throat worked as he swallowed.

“No.”

I remembered once when I’d been carrying a basket of dirty clothes down the steps from my bedroom to the laundry room. At the bottom of the stairs, I’d thought I was already all the way down, and I’d stepped forward, expecting solid floor, when instead there was only empty air. Panic and dizziness had sent adrenaline racing through my blood.

And that was exactly how I felt now hearing that single syllable fall from Leo’s lips. The solid ground I’d been counting on suddenly wasn’t there, and I didn’t know how to move forward. I eased myself onto the floor, hugging my knees to me.

“Quinn, I’m sorry.” Leo still wasn’t looking at me. “I wish I could say something different. I know what you want to hear, and God, I wish I could say it.” He started to speak again and then stopped, as if the words had fled.

“Why?” I whispered. “Don’t you . . . has something changed? Is there someone else?” I didn’t want to ask the question, but I had to know.

Slowly Leo shook his head. “No, there’s no one else. How could there be? But Quinn, we can’t just keep falling into this. We’re not kids anymore. I can’t do this again, this fucking dance where I leave you and then you leave me. This isn’t a game.” He paused. “And as much as I don’t want to say this, right now everything is stacked against us.”

“What do you mean?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear his answer, but I didn’t know what else to say.

“You haven’t dealt with Nate’s death yet.” Leo held up one finger, ticking off his points. “You’re still figuring out how to cope with everything—you told me yourself that was true. And you’re looking for someone to give you a way out. I don’t want to be your escape route.” He tapped his two fingers against the other fist. “Then there’s the fact that nothing’s changed since you left me back in Carolina. I’m still a football player, only now I do it for a living. You couldn’t handle that two years ago. What’s different now?”

I had arguments I could make, but I had a feeling none of them were going to stand up to the calm finality I saw on Leo’s face.

“But I don’t want to lose you, Leo. I can’t. I don’t know what to do next. I can’t see where I’m supposed to go.”

He nodded. “I understand. It’s scary, when everything feels unknown. But you have to take a step, and then another, and see where they all lead. You’ll never know if you keep standing still.”

“I thought coming down here was taking a step.” I truly had. I hadn’t let myself think beyond the surety that Leo would take me into his arms and promise to be mine forever.

“Maybe it was. Maybe you had to . . . cross this possibility off your list before you could move on to where you’re supposed to go.”

Pain squeezed my heart. Leo was rejecting me. He was turning me down, sending me away, telling me that he didn’t want me. I wasn’t sure how to handle it. I flashed back to high school, when he’d broken my heart in an effort to protect me. That day, I’d thought I’d never hurt so badly ever again. Turned out I was very, very wrong.

“You need some time, Mia.” Finally, he let his gaze wander back to me again. He reached out to touch my face, thought better of it and dropped his hand onto his leg. “You have to figure out what you want, once and for all. I’m not going to be the consolation prize or the safe choice. I’m not going to be the guy who picks up the pieces. I want you to choose me because I’m who you want, not because I’m convenient and familiar. We’ll never work if that happens.”

My lip trembled, and when I sank my teeth down, trying to keep it still, I was surprised to taste salty tears. I hadn’t realized that I was silently crying.

“I feel like . . .” My breath hitched on a sob. “Like you’re punishing me for marrying Nate. For choosing to do what he asked.”

“No.” He was shaking his head even before I finished speaking. “I’m not going to say I think you were right. You already know that’s not true. But I’m not punishing you, Quinn. I just want you to stop and think about why you did it. Why you always chose Nate over me. I want you to try to be honest with yourself for one goddam second, so that maybe . . . someday . . . we might have a chance.”

“But not now.” It wasn’t even a question.

“No, not now.” Leo’s fingers were curled into fists on his legs.

I pushed against the floor, standing up on unsteady legs. “I should go. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come.” I took a step back and clung to the top of the chair behind me. “I’ll call a taxi, and maybe we can just forget about this.”

“You can’t go anywhere tonight, Quinn.” Leo rose, too. “I have an extra bedroom. You can stay here. There won’t be a train until the morning now, and you don’t know your way around Richmond.”

“I’ll have the cab drive me to a hotel. There’s got to be something.”

“Sure there is.” Leo nodded. “But getting a cab out here, at this time of night, is going to be a pain in the ass. I could drive you somewhere, but I’d really rather not. It’s stupid to go pay for a hotel when I have plenty of room.”

“I don’t want to impose.” I held myself stiffly. Right now, all I want to do was to get away from Leo and the pity I was certain I’d see in his eyes.

“You won’t be. You’ll be doing me a favor, staying here so I don’t have to drive you anywhere.” He pointed to the doorway. “Come on. It’s just down this hall. I’ll show you around, and then you can get some rest.”

The need to run away consumed me. I was mortified and hurt and—yes, angry, too. Whether it was at Leo or myself, I hadn’t figured out yet. But I knew I’d never sleep here, with both of us under the same roof. I couldn’t remember the last time we’d spent a night in the same house without being in each other’s arms.

But what he’d said made sense. Arranging for a cab to come out here, get in through the guard gate and then take me to a hotel when I didn’t even know where I was going would be a giant mess. Then there was the possibility that someone might talk about Richmond Rebel Leo Turner getting late-night visits from a strange woman. I couldn’t run the risk of exposing Leo to any kind of rumor or innuendo.

So I walked ahead of him down the hall until he leaned around me to push open a door. “This is the designated brother guest room. It’s where Simon and Danny stay when either one of them comes to see me. So that’s why it’s kind of masculine.”

I stepped into the room, keeping my back to Leo. “It’s fine. All I need is a bed.”

“Shit, your bag. Let me grab it for you.” With a few quick steps, he was gone, jogging back to retrieve my duffel from the living room. I stayed still, unmoving, until he returned and held it out to me.

“Thanks.” I slung it onto my shoulder.

“The bathroom’s right across the hall.” He paused. “It’s all yours. I have my own in the master suite.”

“Okay.” I ground my teeth and willed him to leave already, to close the door and leave me in peace.

“Quinn.” He touched my arm. “Mia.”

“
Don’t.
” I jerked away. “Don’t. Just—don’t touch me. Don’t talk to me. I can’t do this, Leo. Just leave me alone. Please.”

For a moment, I thought he might argue with me. Then he sighed so softly that I felt it more than I heard it, and the door clicked shut, leaving me alone, just as I’d asked.

Big Girls Don’t Cry
by Fergie