Authors: Nikolai Gogol
Finally, after some hors-d'oeuvres of sturgeon's back, they sat down
to table—the time being then nearly five o'clock. But the meal did
not constitute by any means the best of which Chichikov had ever
partaken, seeing that some of the dishes were overcooked, and others
were scarcely cooked at all. Evidently their compounder had trusted
chiefly to inspiration—she had laid hold of the first thing which had
happened to come to hand. For instance, had pepper represented the
nearest article within reach, she had added pepper wholesale. Had a
cabbage chanced to be so encountered, she had pressed it also into the
service. And the same with milk, bacon, and peas. In short, her rule
seemed to have been "Make a hot dish of some sort, and some sort of
taste will result." For the rest, Nozdrev drew heavily upon the wine.
Even before the soup had been served, he had poured out for each guest
a bumper of port and another of "haut" sauterne. (Never in provincial
towns is ordinary, vulgar sauterne even procurable.) Next, he called
for a bottle of madeira—"as fine a tipple as ever a field-marshall
drank"; but the madeira only burnt the mouth, since the dealers,
familiar with the taste of our landed gentry (who love "good" madeira)
invariably doctor the stuff with copious dashes of rum and Imperial
vodka, in the hope that Russian stomachs will thus be enabled to carry
off the lot. After this bottle Nozdrev called for another and "a very
special" brand—a brand which he declared to consist of a blend of
burgundy and champagne, and of which he poured generous measures into
the glasses of Chichikov and the brother-in-law as they sat to right
and left of him. But since Chichikov noticed that, after doing so, he
added only a scanty modicum of the mixture to his own tumbler, our
hero determined to be cautious, and therefore took advantage of a
moment when Nozdrev had again plunged into conversation and was yet a
third time engaged in refilling his brother-in-law's glass, to
contrive to upset his (Chichikov's) glass over his plate. In time
there came also to table a tart of mountain-ashberries—berries which
the host declared to equal, in taste, ripe plums, but which, curiously
enough, smacked more of corn brandy. Next, the company consumed a sort
of pasty of which the precise name has escaped me, but which the host
rendered differently even on the second occasion of its being
mentioned. The meal over, and the whole tale of wines tried, the
guests still retained their seats—a circumstance which embarrassed
Chichikov, seeing that he had no mind to propound his pet scheme in
the presence of Nozdrev's brother-in-law, who was a complete stranger
to him. No, that subject called for amicable and PRIVATE conversation.
Nevertheless, the brother-in-law appeared to bode little danger,
seeing that he had taken on board a full cargo, and was now engaged
in doing nothing of a more menacing nature than picking his nose.
At length he himself noticed that he was not altogether in a
responsible condition; wherefore he rose and began to make excuses for
departing homewards, though in a tone so drowsy and lethargic that, to
quote the Russian proverb, he might almost have been "pulling a collar
on to a horse by the clasps."
"No, no!" cried Nozdrev. "I am NOT going to let you go."
"But I MUST go," replied the brother-in-law. "Don't dry to hinder
me. You are annoying me greatly."
"Rubbish! We are going to play a game of banker."
"No, no. You must play it without me, my friend. My wife is expecting
me at home, and I must go and tell her all about the fair. Yes, I
MUST go if I am to please her. Do not try to detain me."
"Your wife be—! But have you REALLY an important piece of business
with her?"
"No, no, my friend. The real reason is that she is a good and trustful
woman, and that she does a great deal for me. The tears spring to my
eyes as I think of it. Do not detain me. As an honourable man I say
that I must go. Of that I do assure you in all sincerity."
"Oh, let him go," put in Chichikov under his breath. "What use will he
be here?"
"Very well," said Nozdrev, "though, damn it, I do not like fellows who
lose their heads." Then he added to his brother-in-law: "All right,
Thetuk
[20]
. Off you go to your wife and your woman's talk and may the
devil go with you!"
"Do not insult me with the term Thetuk," retorted the brother-in-law.
"To her I owe my life, and she is a dear, good woman, and has shown me
much affection. At the very thought of it I could weep. You see, she
will be asking me what I have seen at the fair, and tell her about it
I must, for she is such a dear, good woman."
"Then off you go to her with your pack of lies. Here is your cap."
"No, good friend, you are not to speak of her like that. By so doing
you offend me greatly—I say that she is a dear, good woman."
"Then run along home to her."
"Yes, I am just going. Excuse me for having been unable to stay.
Gladly would I have stayed, but really I cannot."
The brother-in-law repeated his excuses again and again without
noticing that he had entered the britchka, that it had passed through
the gates, and that he was now in the open country. Permissibly we may
suppose that his wife succeeded in gleaning from him few details of
the fair.
"What a fool!" said Nozdrev as, standing by the window, he watched the
departing vehicle. "Yet his off-horse is not such a bad one. For a
long time past I have been wanting to get hold of it. A man like that
is simply impossible. Yes, he is a Thetuk, a regular Thetuk."
With that they repaired to the parlour, where, on Porphyri bringing
candles, Chichikov perceived that his host had produced a pack of
cards.
"I tell you what," said Nozdrev, pressing the sides of the pack
together, and then slightly bending them, so that the pack cracked and
a card flew out. "How would it be if, to pass the time, I were to make
a bank of three hundred?"
Chichikov pretended not to have heard him, but remarked with an air of
having just recollected a forgotten point:
"By the way, I had omitted to say that I have a request to make of
you."
"What request?"
"First give me your word that you will grant it."
"What is the request, I say?"
"Then you give me your word, do you?"
"Certainly."
"Your word of honour?"
"My word of honour."
"This, then, is my request. I presume that you have a large number of
dead serfs whose names have not yet been removed from the revision
list?"
"I have. But why do you ask?"
"Because I want you to make them over to me."
"Of what use would they be to you?"
"Never mind. I have a purpose in wanting them."
"What purpose?"
"A purpose which is strictly my own affair. In short, I need them."
"You seem to have hatched a very fine scheme. Out with it, now! What
is in the wind?"
"How could I have hatched such a scheme as you say? One could not very
well hatch a scheme out of such a trifle as this."
"Then for what purpose do you want the serfs?"
"Oh, the curiosity of the man! He wants to poke his fingers into and
smell over every detail!"
"Why do you decline to say what is in your mind? At all events, until
you DO say I shall not move in the matter."
"But how would it benefit you to know what my plans are? A whim has
seized me. That is all. Nor are you playing fair. You have given me
your word of honour, yet now you are trying to back out of it."
"No matter what you desire me to do, I decline to do it until you have
told me your purpose."
"What am I to say to the fellow?" thought Chichikov. He reflected for
a moment, and then explained that he wanted the dead souls in order to
acquire a better standing in society, since at present he possessed
little landed property, and only a handful of serfs.
"You are lying," said Nozdrev without even letting him finish. "Yes,
you are lying my good friend."
Chichikov himself perceived that his device had been a clumsy one, and
his pretext weak. "I must tell him straight out," he said to himself as
he pulled his wits together.
"Should I tell you the truth," he added aloud, "I must beg of you not
to repeat it. The truth is that I am thinking of getting married. But,
unfortunately, my betrothed's father and mother are very ambitious
people, and do not want me to marry her, since they desire the
bridegroom to own not less than three hundred souls, whereas I own but
a hundred and fifty, and that number is not sufficient."
"Again you are lying," said Nozdrev.
"Then look here; I have been lying only to this extent." And Chichikov
marked off upon his little finger a minute portion.
"Nevertheless I will bet my head that you have been lying throughout."
"Come, come! That is not very civil of you. Why should I have been
lying?"
"Because I know you, and know that you are a regular skinflint. I say
that in all friendship. If I possessed any power over you I should
hang you to the nearest tree."
This remark hurt Chichikov, for at any time he disliked expressions
gross or offensive to decency, and never allowed any one—no, not even
persons of the highest rank—to behave towards him with an undue
measure of familiarity. Consequently his sense of umbrage on the
present occasion was unbounded.
"By God, I WOULD hang you!" repeated Nozdrev. "I say this frankly,
and not for the purpose of offending you, but simply to communicate to
you my friendly opinion."
"To everything there are limits," retorted Chichikov stiffly. "If you
want to indulge in speeches of that sort you had better return to the
barracks."
However, after a pause he added:
"If you do not care to give me the serfs, why not SELL them?"
"SELL them?
I
know you, you rascal! You wouldn't give me very much
for them, WOULD you?"
"A nice fellow! Look here. What are they to you? So many diamonds, eh?"
"I thought so!
I
know you!"
"Pardon me, but I could wish that you were a member of the Jewish
persuasion. You would give them to me fast enough then."
"On the contrary, to show you that I am not a usurer, I will decline
to ask of you a single kopeck for the serfs. All that you need do is
to buy that colt of mine, and then I will throw in the serfs in
addition."
"But what should
I
want with your colt?" said Chichikov, genuinely
astonished at the proposal.
"What should YOU want with him? Why, I have bought him for ten
thousand roubles, and am ready to let you have him for four."
"I ask you again: of what use could the colt possibly be to me? I am
not the keeper of a breeding establishment."
"Ah! I see that you fail to understand me. Let me suggest that you pay
down at once three thousand roubles of the purchase money, and leave
the other thousand until later."
"But I do not mean to buy the colt, damn him!"
"Then buy the roan mare."
"No, nor the roan mare."
"Then you shall have both the mare and the grey horse which you have
seen in my stables for two thousand roubles."
"I require no horses at all."
"But you would be able to sell them again. You would be able to get
thrice their purchase price at the very first fair that was held."
"Then sell them at that fair yourself, seeing that you are so certain
of making a triple profit."
"Oh, I should make it fast enough, only I want YOU to benefit
by the transaction."
Chichikov duly thanked his interlocutor, but continued to decline
either the grey horse or the roan mare.
"Then buy a few dogs," said Nozdrev. "I can sell you a couple of hides
a-quiver, ears well pricked, coats like quills, ribs barrel-shaped,
and paws so tucked up as scarcely to graze the ground when they run."
"Of what use would those dogs be to me? I am not a sportsman."
"But I WANT you to have the dogs. Listen. If you won't have the
dogs, then buy my barrel-organ. 'Tis a splendid instrument. As a man
of honour I can tell you that, when new, it cost me fifteen hundred
roubles. Well, you shall have it for nine hundred."
"Come, come! What should I want with a barrel-organ? I am not a
German, to go hauling it about the roads and begging for coppers."
"But this is quite a different kind of organ from the one which
Germans take about with them. You see, it is a REAL organ. Look at
it for yourself. It is made of the best wood. I will take you to have
another view of it."
And seizing Chichikov by the hand, Nozdrev drew him towards the other
room, where, in spite of the fact that Chichikov, with his feet
planted firmly on the floor, assured his host, again and again, that
he knew exactly what the organ was like, he was forced once more to
hear how Marlborough went to the war.
"Then, since you don't care to give me any money for it," persisted
Nozdrev, "listen to the following proposal. I will give you the
barrel-organ and all the dead souls which I possess, and in return you
shall give me your britchka, and another three hundred roubles into
the bargain."
"Listen to the man! In that case, what should I have left to drive
in?"
"Oh, I would stand you another britchka. Come to the coach-house, and
I will show you the one I mean. It only needs repainting to look a
perfectly splendid britchka."
"The ramping, incorrigible devil!" thought Chichikov to himself as at
all hazards he resolved to escape from britchkas, organs, and every
species of dog, however marvellously barrel-ribbed and tucked up of
paw.
"And in exchange, you shall have the britchka, the barrel-organ, and
the dead souls," repeated Nozdrev.
"I must decline the offer," said Chichikov.
"And why?"
"Because I don't WANT the things—I am full up already."
"I can see that you don't know how things should be done between good
friends and comrades. Plainly you are a man of two faces."