It’s taken me weeks to open this diary and begin to write about this. Up till now, I haven’t been able to put words on paper. Or do much of anything except cry. I’ve cried an ocean.
When I’m not crying, I sit and stare into space, unable to make myself move. I don’t care what I look like, or if I’m clean or not, or hungry, or sleepy. I don’t care if the world comes to an end. I’ve even wished for that. I know now what it means when people say somebody has “shut down.”
I knew the day would come. I’ve had years to get ready for it, but that didn’t help. I wasn’t ready at all. As the date got closer, even Carl would turn quiet and thoughtful, like he was reconsidering. I knew he wouldn’t change his mind, though, so I didn’t even try to talk him into it.
But I couldn’t leave Jeremy as easy as he did, and when I started carrying on, pleading with him to let him stay with us, he got mad. So I stopped begging. It was only making the separation harder on all of us.
Of course, I see the sense of it. It will be best for Jeremy. If I didn’t think so, I would have fought Carl tooth and nail over it. Jeremy has to go to school. It will be good for him to make friends with other boys and do the things they do. Baseball and stuff. But, all the same, when I had to let go of him for the last time, I thought I would die. No mother should have to go through that.
Randy is a good choice to play his daddy. He helped us out that one time down in MS. I guess he formed an attachment to Jeremy then, because Jeremy was sick and had a terrible cough. Randy is kindhearted and still thinks the world of Carl. He shares the same ideas, but he doesn’t have the “guts,” he says, to do the things Carl is willing to do for our cause.
I thought he was going to faint when Carl asked him to raise our son. He said he was honored. He even cried a little and said he felt “anointed.” I thought Carl would laugh at that, but he didn’t. He told Randy he was playing his part, that he was as much a Ranger of Righteousness as anybody who carried a gun. He just wouldn’t be fighting on the battlefront, so to speak.
Randy’s gotten married since that time we stayed with him in MS. Patricia is also one of us, because she hates cops and everything government related. Here’s her story: Her stepdaddy abused her and wound up killing her mother when she stood up to him. He went to the pen for it. Patricia was put into the foster care system. I gather it wasn’t all that good for her. She doesn’t talk about everything that happened to her, but her face turns hard and mean-looking whenever the subject is brought up. (Usually she’s pretty.)
She’s been on her own since she ran away at fifteen. She also doesn’t talk about the things she did in order to survive, but I don’t hold anything against her, because look at what all I’ve done. Anyhow, for being such a slight little thing, she knows how to take care of herself.
People Carl knows faked IDs for them. They’ve got new identities. They’re going by the name of Wesson, which Carl picked out of the phone book. They’ve rented a house in a town in Ohio.
Patricia, who’s also smart as a whip, is going to school to learn to be a court reporter. We laughed our heads off about that! What an inside joke. Here she’ll be, sitting in courtrooms recording the words of lawyers, cops, and judges, while we’re out breaking every law there is. Or just about.
But that job will be a good cover. Randy could sell ice cubes to Eskimos because of his easy, soft-spoken way. He got a job at a car dealership. His coworkers like him. They wouldn’t believe it if somebody told them that mild-mannered Randy was raising the child of Carl Wingert and Flora Stimel, two of the FBI’s Most Wanted!
Carl told them to go to church like the faithful. Randy was okay with it, but not Patricia. She said she wants no part of a God who’d put a kid through the shit she’d been put through. But she finally agreed to pretend to worship, because she knows it makes them look like ordinary folks, and Carl says that’s the main thing.
They plan to join the PTA the day they enroll Jeremy in kindergarten in the fall. It breaks my heart that I won’t be there to see him off on his first day of school. I hope he doesn’t cry. Carl says he won’t. He calls him his “good little soldier” because even when we were hugging him good-bye, his lower lip was trembling, but he didn’t shed a tear.
He knows Carl has big plans for his future. He understands why we can’t all live together. He also knows—because I’ve told him often enough—that even though he’ll be living with Patricia and Randy and pretending to be their little boy, I’m his real mother and Carl is his real daddy. He’ll call Patricia and Randy Mom and Dad, but he’s our flesh and blood. Nothing will ever change that. We love him.
I hope he grows up understanding how things must be. I’m not sure I do.
T
he boys had had such a full day, they practically fell asleep at the dinner table, and didn’t object to an early bedtime. After getting them down, Amelia took a glass of wine out onto the porch and settled into one of the rocking chairs.
Stef joined her a few minutes later. “Kitchen’s done. Unless you need me for anything else, I’m going up to bed.”
“No Mickey’s tonight?”
“I’m bushed.”
“Same here. Sleep well.”
Stef hesitated on the threshold. “Are you okay?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” Realizing how snappish that sounded, she softened her tone. “I’m fine.”
“Are you mad at me for encouraging Dawson to hang out with us?”
“I can’t be mad. The boys had a wonderful time. Being in male company was good for them.”
“That was my thinking. But this particular male bugs you, doesn’t he?”
She turned toward the younger woman, ready to take umbrage. Instead she ducked her head, admitting quietly, “A bit.”
“His crooked tooth is awfully cute.”
Amelia had noticed his slightly overlapping incisor. It actually made his smile more interesting.
“And I’d like to take a bite out of his biceps.”
“You’re incorrigible, Stef.”
“Well, wouldn’t you?”
If pressed, Amelia would have to admit that Dawson Scott was physically attractive. More times than she was comfortable with, her eyes had strayed from the novel that she was reading in the shade of the umbrella to the surf where he played with the boys. They had vied for his attention all day. He had seemed to be enjoying himself, too. But…
“There’s something wrong with him.” Amelia didn’t even realize she’d spoken the thought out loud until Stef moaned.
“Oh, shit. He’s
married
?”
Amelia laughed. “No. I mean, I don’t know if he’s married or not. I haven’t—”
“Shh! Here he comes.”
Amelia turned to see him approaching the porch. When he reached the bottom step, he said, “I saw you out here. Thought I’d bring a peace offering for monopolizing your sons all day.” He had the neck of an uncorked wine bottle and two glasses clasped in one hand. Noticing the wineglass she held, he frowned. “But I see I’m too late.”
“I’m going to bed. ’Night, you two.” Stef went inside and closed the front door. Half a second later, the porch light went out.
Amelia and Dawson looked at each other through the sudden darkness, and when she saw a grin tugging at his lips, she had to laugh also. “She’s got romantic notions.”
“Would you rather I go?”
She considered it, then asked, “What color wine?”
“Red.”
She extended her glass toward him. “As long as you bothered, you can top this off.”
“I found the bottle in a cabinet. I can’t vouch for the vintage.”
“I can vouch for this one. Blending it with another will be an improvement.”
He climbed the steps, refilled her glass, then poured one for himself. As he sat down in the rocker beside hers, he groaned. “I’m going to be sore tomorrow. Hunter and Grant gave me quite a workout.”
She ran her finger around the lip of her wineglass. “All things considered, it’s hard for me to say this, but thank you for spending time with them.”
“You’re welcome.”
“They especially loved the roughhousing. I try, but…” She trailed off and shrugged.
He stretched his legs out in front of him. “Moms don’t make good wrestlers. They’re too afraid someone will get hurt.”
She smiled. “You’re right of course.” She paused to sip her wine. “Do you have children of your own?”
“No.”
“Married?”
“No.”
“Stef wondered.”
“Hmm.” He sipped from his glass. “Am I allowed to make some observations?”
“About Stef?”
“About your children.”
She made a motion for him to continue.
“I don’t know much about kids, but, in my amateur opinion, you’ve done a good job with yours.”
“Thank you.”
“They don’t pee in swimming pools.”
She laughed.
“They say please and thank you. And even though I did suggest naming the battleship after you, they jumped on the idea.”
“I wouldn’t trade them for any others.”
“Hunter is the more cautious of the two. He has his exuberant moments, but basically he’s serious-minded. It’s like he already realizes that being the oldest child comes with implied responsibilities that he accepts, even if it isn’t fair.
“Grant,” he said, pausing to grin, “wears his emotions on his sleeve. He’s impulsive, capricious, approaches everything at full tilt. I’m betting that he’ll get into more mischief than his older brother.”
“You’ve given them a lot of thought.”
“I’m naturally curious about people and what makes them tick. My job requires it. I observe closely and analyze my observations.” When she merely nodded without comment, he added, “People reveal as much by their silences as they do by what they say.”
“Do they? I’ll have to remember that.”
“Damn. By sharing a trade secret, did I just shoot myself in the foot? Will you be constantly on guard from here on?”
“We don’t have a ‘from here on.’”
He waited several beats. “Okay. But Tuesday morning, I’ll be in the courtroom for your cross-examination.”
“Be there or not. It’s up to you. I’ve made it plain that I don’t grant interviews.”
“Right, you did. So I had better ask you now, while I have the chance.”
She sharpened her focus on him. “Ask me what?”
“What was it like to be with a man who suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder?”
After posing the question, he kept his gaze averted. And, in that instant, she knew. “That’s it, isn’t it?”
“That’s what?”
“You didn’t fight in the war, but you brought it home with you.”
He gave her a hard stare, then left the rocker and moved to the porch railing. Setting his wineglass on top of it, he gripped the wood so tightly it appeared he was trying to uproot it from the porch floor. He was in a struggle to contain his anger. God only knew what other emotions were tenuously bridled.
Her first instinct was to go inside and bar the door. Maybe she would have if he hadn’t suddenly bowed his head low between his shoulders in a gesture of defeat. He let go of the railing with one hand to comb his fingers through his hair. He held it back for several seconds before releasing it and returning his hand to the railing.
She questioned the advisability of taking the conversation farther. But he’d had no compunction against intruding into her life. Why should she be hesitant to poke into his?
Beyond that, because of her personal experience with Jeremy, who suffered similarly, she was interested in the disorder. That had been the subject of the e-mail she’d composed to George Metcalf. She believed the museum should have an exhibit on this invisible casualty of war and give it the same importance as other consequences of armed conflict.
Quietly she said, “I sensed something about you, but I didn’t know what it was until just now. You could have asked about Jeremy’s affair with Darlene Strong, his quasi friendship with Willard, the murder scene, the probability that he was chewed to pieces by dogs. But instead of all that more titillating stuff, his PTSD was the one aspect of the whole mess that you wanted to know about.”
She gave him time to respond. When he didn’t, she continued. “Today on the beach, when we talked about the war, you didn’t elaborate. I was complimenting you on the stories you’d written. Most men would have used that as an excuse to brag and try to impress me with their exploits.”
“You’ve got that many men trying to impress you?”
His tone bordered on insulting, but she bit her tongue and let it pass. “Yesterday, I noticed the empty liquor bottles on your kitchen bar. Alongside pill bottles.”
“Millions of people imbibe alcohol and take medication.”
“True. That wasn’t the giveaway. It’s your eyes.”
Slowly he came around to face her.
“They don’t match a man who’s physically fit and athletic,” she said softly. “They belong to a man who is chemically dependent, or seriously ill and in pain, or who suffers insomnia. They look haunted by memories that won’t go away.”
He remained motionless and said nothing.
“Who are you seeing for help?”
Nothing.
“You
are
seeing a counselor or therapist?”
Finally, his voice gruff, he asked, “Did your husband?”
“No, which is why he became my
ex
-husband.”
Moments of silence passed. Finally, he leaned back against the railing, folding his arms and crossing his ankles. “That subject is a whole lot more interesting than my empty whiskey bottles. How did you and Jeremy meet?” When she didn’t answer, he said, “Anything we talk about tonight, I won’t include in the piece. If I even write the piece, which is yet to be decided. In any case, nothing you tell me now will appear in print unless you authorize it.”
“How can I trust you?”
“I promise.”
Those shadowed eyes were more convincing than the vow. She cleared her throat, swallowed. “We met at a wedding. The bride and I had been sorority sisters. The groom was a Marine officer that Jeremy knew from Parris Island. He looked very handsome and dashing in his dress uniform. We danced, drank champagne together, had a good time. The following week he asked me out to dinner, and I accepted. We dated for six months, became engaged, and married ten months to the day from when we met.”
“Hmm.”
“What?”
He tilted his head to one side. “Was it the stud factor that attracted you?”
“Stud factor?”
“Here you are, a rich girl—”
“How offensive.”
“But a fact. You grew up privileged, had your picture taken with presidents, received the best education money can buy. Here’s Jeremy, who’s been to war in Iraq, spiffy officer’s uniform, stationed at Parris Island in charge of rifle training.”
“Glenda?”
“Actually I looked that up myself. My point is, what attracted you to him? From the standpoint of someone on the outside looking in, you two wouldn’t appear to be a match.”
A lot of outsiders looking in had thought the same. “I suppose we were opposites who attracted.”
“What kind of suitor was he?”
“Ardent.”
“Really?”
“Yes. He could be terribly sweet and romantic.”
“He carved your initials in a tree?”
“Yes.”
He laughed. “I was kidding.”
“I wasn’t. He did that once. Why does it surprise you?”
“Because it doesn’t mesh with the Jeremy who cheated on you by shagging his friend’s wife.” Before she could comment on that, he asked, “What about the congressman? What did he think of his new son-in-law?”
“Above all else, Daddy wanted my happiness.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
Since she had his promise none of this would see publication, she decided to be brutally honest. “At first Daddy was concerned about the very differences in our backgrounds that you’ve cited. Jeremy wasn’t like the men I’d dated before.”
“I’m guessing preppie types.”
“For the most part. Doctors, lawyers, men destined to take over a long-standing family business.”
“I get the picture. Jeremy was a little rougher hewn.”
“But earnest. Appropriately respectful. Daddy came to like him very much, and they got along well.”
Dawson picked up his glass and, swirling the wine in it, asked, “What were Jeremy’s parents like?”
“They were deceased when we met.”
“Brothers, sisters?”
“He didn’t have any family. It’s a rather tragic history, actually. He rarely talked about it. Both his parents died in a house fire just weeks after his high school graduation.”
“Jesus.”
“Yes, it was very sad. Their home and everything in it was destroyed. His whole life history to that point was consumed. He didn’t have any photographs or memorabilia of his babyhood or youth.”
“Huh.” He took a moment to assimilate that. “Was your marriage happy?”
“At first.”
“No serious quarrels? Infidelity?”
“No. At least I was faithful. I believe he was until Darlene Strong.”
“When was he deployed to Afghanistan?”
“Summer of 2007.”
“Wasn’t he a little old to be going?”
“He was highly specialized. He was needed.”
“How’d he feel about going?”
“He couldn’t wait. Even having experienced Iraq, he wanted to go. I admit that I didn’t take it so well. I feared for his safety, and I hated that he’d miss so much of Hunter’s infancy. He was only a few months old when Jeremy shipped out.”
“That was shit luck.”
She smiled wanly. “I think I said that myself a few times. But I tried to keep my correspondence with Jeremy upbeat. I didn’t want to make him feel guilty over having to leave us. He didn’t like the timing particularly, but he was excited to be going. More than that, he was willing to make the sacrifice because he considered serving a sacred duty.”
“To his country.”
“Yes.”
“He loved America? He was a patriot?”
“Of course.”
“He never questioned the war, or America’s motives behind it, never said anything negative about the government?”
“He was a Marine. And, anyway, why would you even ask that?”
“I’m not implying anything. It’s just that those are popular topics of debate these days.” He looked into his wineglass, but didn’t take a drink. As a lead-in for her, he said, “When he came home…”
She took a deep breath. “I immediately noticed changes in him. He seemed glad to be back, but he didn’t laugh as much. I’d catch him staring into space, and when he realized I had noticed, he would force a joke. The baby’s crying annoyed him, especially when we…” She cut her eyes up to him, then away. “When he wanted my undivided attention.”
The sexual implication hovered there between them. Self-consciously she waited for another question. None came. For a long moment they only stared at each other. Then she remembered what he’d said about how revealing silences were.
“I feel terrible about saying this now.” She spoke softly as though to underscore her reluctance. “But it was almost a relief when he left for his second tour. He took the tension in the house with him. Hunter became a happier, more contented baby. Which was good, since I discovered a few weeks after Jeremy left that I was pregnant again.”