Now he must prepare himself to confess all to Selina about why he had been lured back to Midanich, and by whom. Just as Selina had laid bare her soul, he would do the same; she deserved the same courtesy and respect from him. They could not begin their married life under a black cloud; the same black cloud of doubt and deceit that had haunted Selina in Paris was now, metaphorically, well and truly hanging over his head.
Yet, despite the daunting task of confession ahead of him, his overriding emotion was one of complete happiness. He was filled with a sense of contentment he had not experienced in a very long time. Selina’s consent to his proposal finally meant they could plan their future together. And he would marry her that very day, the Reverend Shirvington Shirley pronouncing them man and wife aboard the trekschuit, once they had docked at Aurich.
He just hoped Selina returned with hot water for the tea soon, so he had some chance of remaining awake for the next hour. The camp bed was becoming increasingly inviting, but he stayed by the window. He knew that if he lay down, even for a few minutes, he would be instantly asleep; he was that tired after a entire night awake. For a handful of seconds he envied Hadrian Jeffries curled up in his corner. And then the curtain was pulled back by the soldier on duty, and there was his betrothed. Her smile instantly vanished his tiredness, and he returned her smile with one of his own.
Behind her was a young man wearing a kitchen apron over his uniform carrying a large kettle of steaming water. He set the kettle on a trivet on the table, saluted and took his leave, the curtain coming down again, as the soldier on duty returned to his post guarding the Herr Baron.
“It seems your every wish is anticipated; the water was already on the boil,” Selina told him.
“Surely not
every
wish,” he said with a mock scowl, noticing her hands were behind her back but pretending not to. “Where are the Herr Baron’s preferred biscuits?”
“I have them here,” she answered with a mischievous smile, revealing a blue-and-white ceramic jar but which she kept hugged to her bodice. “You may have one when you answer me a simple question.”
He chuckled.
“Is this is how you intend to have your husband bend to your will? By threatening to deny him Elsa’s delicious ginger biscuits?”
She pouted, and he saw the hesitancy in her dark eyes. “It is not a threat,” she said quietly and put the jar on the table beside the tea things and retreated to sit on the camp bed. She watched him pour hot water over the tea leaves in the bottom of the pretty patterned teapot. “Who is Elsa?”
“Elsa?”
“You said “Elsa’s delicious ginger biscuits”. Twice. Mr. Luytens’ daughter’s name is Hilda. I assumed she was the one who baked the ginger biscuits we had yesterday.”
“She did. From a recipe passed down from mother to daughter.”
“You call Hilda’s mother Elsa? Not Mrs. Luytens? You must know her very well.”
Alec’s hand holding the kettle full of hot water paused in mid air. It was not only the nature of the question that surprised him but her tone. He heard the uncertainty, and he knew why. He set the kettle back on the table and faced her.
“Knew her, Selina,” he replied quietly. “And not in the biblical sense.”
“I wasn’t implying—”
“Yes. You were.” When Selina made no further protest, mouth set in a prim line, and held his gaze, he added patiently, “You did not meet her because she and the rest of her children are in Holland. With the harbor reopened, it is hoped they will be able to cross back home. And I have not seen her or her children in ten years. The last time I was here, in fact. She, along with her husband, helped me escape, and for that I am eternally grateful.” He gave a lopsided grin. “My darling, the biscuits are generally known as ‘Elsa’s ginger biscuits’. The recipe was passed from a forebear who also bore the name Elsa.”
Selina’s dark eyes went round and her lips parted with surprise. And at his continued smile of understanding her face flooded with color and she felt foolish.
“I apologize,” she said bluntly. “I did not mean to cast aspersions on the woman’s character. It’s just that… knowing something of your past… having heard the stories of your time on the Continent… Even while I was married, I could not help but overhear the gossip—No! That’s not strictly true. I
wanted
to overhear it.” She looked up at him, her eyes reflecting her uncertainty, “Any news shared about you was better than none.”
“You were married. I was not,” he replied evenly, remaining by the tea things, waiting for the tea to steep. “That seemed an end to any possibility of us being together. Thus I could not afford to think about what could have been between us. I decided to live my life. But far away from London, and you. Yes. I had many affairs. I will not lie to you about that, now, or ever. But most of that gossip, the salacious tidbits you would have overheard, concerned events in my life that occurred well before I met you.” He gave a lopsided grin. “To point out fact, those scandalous events happened here, in Midanich, when I was much younger and a lot less wise. When I was, for want of no better description, an arrogant womanizing idiot.”
When Selina sat up and looked at him as if he had two heads, he laughed and shook his head, strangely comforted that she did not believe him capable of arrogance or idiocy or, hopefully, womanizing. But this did not stop the heat of embarrassment flooding his thin cheeks at what he was about to confess to her, and no other.
“It was this arrogance and idiocy, not to mention my complete disregard for the consequences in satisfying my lust, that has our dearest friends locked up, and has brought me back to a place to which I vowed never to return. It has also put all I hold dear in this world—you, and my dearest friends and family—in danger.”
He turned away to pour out the tea into the tea cups, giving her a moment to digest what he had said. He placed one of Elsa’s ginger biscuits on the saucer beside the teacup and handed it to her. He then rummaged in a crate of provisions he’d had his valet bring aboard, and found what he was looking for: Emden rock candy.
“Unfortunately, we used most of the cane sugar on the voyage, and what was left was confiscated by Customs. I’ve asked it be returned to
The Caroline
for Olivia and Uncle Plant to use. So we must resort to the local rock candy. But I prefer my tea unsweetened, and we seem not to have any cream…”
He tipped a small quantity of the rock candy which had been broken up into useable lumps, into a silver dish, set the silver tongs atop the small mound, and put this beside Selina on the camp bed. When she ignored it, he was not surprised. He was sure her attention was very much on his past, and that she was waiting for him to offer her further explanation of his startling confession, particularly as he had blamed his past behavior for Emily’s and Cosmo’s incarceration. He sipped at his tea and gave himself a moment to enjoy the flavor on his tongue and the warmth of the liquid as it slid down his throat, and to fortify himself before saying in his measured tone,
“Before I plunge headlong into how a past salacious affair got us in the perilous predicament we find ourselves in, I want to apologize to you for my behavior in Bath. My reaction to your news of a miscarriage was less than gentlemanly. My uncle was right. I was selfish and unthinking. It will never happen again. But,” he added with a gentle smile, placing his tea cup on its saucer, “should we find ourselves suffering a similar sad state of affairs again, I will be there to share the grief with you—always. Though I have high hopes that when you do conceive—and you will—you, my darling, will have to endure the ordeal of a full term pregnancy and labor.”
“Oh, I admit that after being an eavesdropper on Miranda in labor, I am far from reconciled to the pangs of childbirth.” She gave a little shudder but then smiled over her teacup. “Yet Miranda tells me all the unpleasantness is instantly forgotten when the baby is placed in a mother’s arms. And after holding baby Thomas… Well, he is quite the most perfect baby, is he not?”
“Yes. But you were never reconciled to travel, either,” he added, to bring her back to the present. He would’ve liked nothing better than to continue to discuss the merits of the Duchess of Cleveley’s newborn, but his yet-to-be-made confession was weighing heavily on his mind, and he now just wanted to get it over with, dreading her reaction, yet so tired even that was becoming secondary to his need for sleep. “Yet, here you are in a boat on a canal, hundreds of miles from home. And the journey is not that unpleasant, is it?”
“I abhor the unrelenting roll of sea waves, but have decided I quite like this form of watercraft. And perhaps would even consent to a barge trip through the English countryside, if you were so inclined to join me. It is rather restful, and will no doubt put you to sleep in less than the click of my fingers.” She sipped at her tea again, remembered it was without sweetness and quickly dropped in a little piece of rock candy, stirred it and while waiting for it to dissolve, nibbled on the ginger biscuit. “These truly are delicious… Forgive me. I’ve been rambling, and here you were about tell me all about your—arrogant womanizing idiocy…?”
Alec lost his smile and Selina saw by the change in his expression that the moment for playful banter was over. So she suitably schooled her features and braced herself for whatever revelations he was about to confide in her. And yet he still managed to shock her.
“I hope you will take into account that when I took up the post of secretary to Sir Gilbert to the Court of Midanich, I was younger than you are now. Men are ever boys if they can get away with it, and none more so than young vigorous males with too much time on their hands, and plenty of opportunity for sport, in all its forms. So my immaturity does play a part in why I was idiotic enough to think I could get away with my behavior without consequences. Come to think on it, I did not think about consequences! Coming here was not the posting I wanted. And, it appeared, it was not a post wanted by anyone else in the Foreign Department either. Thus I was more than a little petulant to be stuck with it. My first impressions of the place were much like yours and Aunt Olivia’s upon sailing through the Ems estuary. Vast stretches of marshland on both sides, flat and about as interesting as a piece of blank paper! Ah, but in summer, the country transforms itself. Even here, in this flat wilderness, there is color and an abundance of wildlife—lots of waterfowl and swans, and sheep are grazed over the grasslands. But it is in the south and towards Hannover, where there is real beauty. Dense forests full of deer, quaint little villages all neatly arranged, and castles—more correctly
schloss
—that are distinctive as they are charming…
“Forgive me,” he added with a huff of laughter, mentally shaking himself. “What started out as a confession has turned into a geography lesson! Suffice that I became enamored of the country and its people, in particular Friedeburg Palace, the Margrave’s summer residence, where the Court spends most of the year, and thus, so did Sir Gilbert and I. The palace is distinctly Continental, inside and out, and with plenty of entertainments and distractions for a junior secretary of an embassy who had too much time on his hands.”
He paused, expecting Selina to make some quip about the type of distractions that would interest a vigorous male in his early twenties. When she did not, features remaining schooled in polite enquiry, he continued soberly,
“It was at Friedeburg I first met the Margrave’s eldest son and heir, Prince Ernst. I don’t recall precisely the catalyst for our friendship. I think it was at the fencing academy. We are the same age and he liked that I was honest and just as competitive. He sought me out. He was interested in learning to speak English, because of the close connection between his neighboring state, Hannover, and England. It fascinated him that an Elector of Hannover had become King of England. I suppose he fancied he could do likewise if called upon to do so!
“I became his English tutor, and whenever we were together he insisted we converse in English as much as possible. Within six months, he was fluent. Which came as no surprise because he expected me to be in his company almost daily. There were those at court, in particular the Court Chamberlain, who disapproved of Margrave Leopold’s heir spending his time with the lowly junior secretary of the English ambassador. And there was Sir Gilbert, who flatly forbade me to associate with the Prince. His was a prejudice born of Ernst’s condition, which he considered a manifestation of a deeper malady—”
“Condition?”
“The Prince is unable to grow hair, facial or otherwise. Apparently his grandfather was afflicted in the same way, and he was the one who introduced the edict that all gentlemen at court must always be clean-shaven.”
“But as the wearing of wigs and having clean-shaven chins are the fashion for the vast majority of men, his condition cannot have raised an eyebrow,” reasoned Selina. “As for a deeper malady… Surely that was mere prejudice on Sir Gilbert’s part?”
“Yes. It was. Sir Gilbert could not have known then that Ernst was possessed of demons, but those demons had nothing to do with his lack of hair; well, at least I think that to be the case. In truth, I was secretly pleased Sir Gilbert had stepped in to end the association. I was beginning to be smothered by the Prince’s friendship. My every move was watched and reported to the Prince. I could not speak to another, male or female, without Ernst questioning me as to my relationship, real or imagined, with that person. I explained to the Prince I could no longer spend so much time in his company, that I had to return to my duties for the English Ambassador. I foolishly told him Sir Gilbert had barred me from his company. Within a fortnight, Sir Gilbert was advised to leave court. When he refused, he was thrown out of the country. In hindsight, I realized it was the excuse Ernst was looking for to get rid of Sir Gilbert, so nothing and no one stood in the way of our—of our—
friendship
.
“I traveled north to Castle Herzfeld as part of the Prince’s retinue, when he went there as head of the army to review the troops. I could hardly refuse such an honor. Very few foreigners visit Castle Herzfeld, the military headquarters and training facility for the Margrave’s extensive army. And it was while I was a guest at the Castle that I encountered the other side of Ernst—a dark, troubling side—not present at Friedeburg…” Alec frowned, cleared his throat of emotion and continued. “I noticed the change come over him before we’d ridden under the Castle’s portcullis. He was moody. He became preoccupied. He was short with his men. He would not engage in conversation with me, or others. One of his officers confided that it was always like this whenever they returned to the Castle. He said not to concern myself, that in a day or two Ernst would be his old self again.