Dear Vincent (20 page)

MIDNIGHT FINDS ME WIDE
awake, imagining myself in Johannes’ arms. To drive away the gnawing want, I tiptoe into the sun porch and squeeze fresh oils onto my palette. The sharpness of their smell excites me. It’s been far too long.

I’m going to reinterpret Vincent’s
Wheatfield with Crows.
This painting will be the last. I’m moving on to something new, probably Klimt. After I’ve under-painted the canvas I rough in Vincent’s three divergent paths to form a crossroads. I stand there now: can travel back to where I’ve been, sideways to nowhere in particular, or take the risk and chase his flock of crows to far-flung worlds. Except, of course, I’m not painting his crows, oh
no. They’re butterflies for Van.
Did you really think I’d forget you so quickly?
But, though they fly my chosen route, I needn’t follow them if I don’t want to. It is enough to know they’re there, to travel with me when I feel alone.

I ONCE LOST SOMEONE
I
loved very much to suicide. And have friends who've suffered this totally devastating loss as well. It causes a hurt in people's lives that never fully goes away. Suicide doesn't just destroy one life; it's a tidal wave that sweeps up everyone in its path.

There's nothing remotely glamorous, mysterious, logical or inevitable about killing oneself. It's a brutal and cruel end for everyone — and the damage permeates for years and years. No one wins from it. Why cut a life short when circumstances can change from one instant to the next? We never know what's round the corner — that's part of the great possibility of life.

I understand the suicidal desire to escape problems; to take the pain away. I've been to that dark place. But I'm so incredibly grateful now that, at the last minute, I asked for help. The pain I so desperately wanted to escape from eventually eased — not overnight, but in tiny forward-moving steps. It's possible. It's not the easy choice. But it's the right one.

By the time that doomed thinking was gone for good, I'd grown and changed, and life has continued to get better and better ever since. If I'd given in to suicide's call, I never would've seen my children grow
to wonderful adults, my name on a book cover, or the Van Gogh paintings in the Musée d'Orsay! I never would've married a good, kind man, or felt the joy as my son got married beneath an arch of trees down in our garden just last year.

Life is so precious, even if it doesn't seem so at the time. And help can come in the most surprising forms: people you don't expect; someone you might not even know.

If such thoughts are in your head, take a big deep breath and ask for help RIGHT NOW. And, if necessary, ask again, until you find someone who hears and offers a helping hand. Don't be seduced by death — those thoughts are skewed. And do the same if you have grave concerns for a family member or a friend: sound the alarm and find someone to help them right away. Even if they make you promise not to tell, it's better that they're angry with you for a short time than dead forever.

Your life is precious. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now, there is always hope.

If you don't have someone who you trust to act quickly and effectively, telephone your national emergency number, talk to your school counsellor, go to your doctor or the nearest hospital, or contact one of the many support agencies. For both New Zealand and overseas, try checking out the agencies at the front of your local telephone book or look online.

In New Zealand, for instance, you can call: Emergency services (111); Healthline (0800 611 116); Depression Helpline (0800 111 757); Suicide Prevention Helpline (0508 828 865 or 0508 TAUTOKO); Lifeline (0800 543 354); Youthline (0800 376 633 or free text 234).

Choose life. Kia kaha.

GRATEFUL THANKS TO
Jenny Hellen and the team at Random House New Zealand; Jane Parkin and Tracey Lowndes for their incredibly expert editing; the Van Gogh Museum; research support from Whitireia; Peter and Dianne Beatson for their generosity in awarding me the 2012 Beatson Fellowship; Helen Los; Julia Wells; Liz Love; Ann Neville; Nicky, Debbie and Belinda Hager; and my wonderful first readers, Rose Lawson and Brian Laird. Your support means the world to me.

Ash McCarthy thought he finally had it made: away from home and all its claustrophobic responsibilities, he’s revelling in the freedom of student hostel life.

But things take a devastating turn when two police officers knock on his door. Their life-changing news forces him to return home to his Down Syndrome brother Mikey, and impels him into a shady world of political intrigue, corruption, terrorism and lies … so many lies.

As if this isn’t bad enough, the whole country is imploding, as the world’s two greatest super-powers start a fight that leaves New Zealand ‘piggy-in-the-middle’ of their deadly games. While trying to protect Mikey, along with strangers Travis and Jiao, his fight to uncover the truth turns into a nightmare race to save their lives and stop the destruction of all the principles he holds dear.

The Nature of Ash
is a fast-paced thriller that also explores love and loss, assumptions and prejudices, truth and fiction, and the many faces of ‘family’.

The Nature of Ash
has been shortlisted for the 2013 New Zealand Post Children’s Book Awards.

The Crossing
is the first book in the stunning
Blood of the Lamb
young adult trilogy that follows the fate of Maryam and her unlikely companions — Joseph and Ruth. This is fast, suspenseful drama underpinned by a powerful and moving story about love and loss.

The people of Onewere, a small island in the Pacific, know that they are special — chosen to survive the deadly event that consumed the Earth. Now, from the rotting cruise ship
Star of the Sea
, the elite control the population — manipulating old texts to set themselves up as living ‘gods’. But what the people of Onewere don’t know is this: the leaders will stop at nothing to meet their own blood-thirsty needs …

When Maryam crosses from child to woman, she must leave everything she has ever known and make a crossing of another kind. But life inside the ship is not as she had dreamed, and she is faced with the unthinkable: obey the leaders and very likely die, or turn her back on every belief she once held dear.

‘Like
1984
for teenagers — direct, passionate and powerful’ — Margaret Mahy

Winner of the New Zealand Post Children’s Book Award for Young Adult Fiction 2010.

Into the Wilderness
is the fast-paced, thrilling second novel in
Blood of the Lamb
young adult trilogy.

Maryam, Ruth and Joseph have fled Onewere, reluctantly taking Joseph’s troublesome cousin, Lazarus, with them. They arrive at their destination, Marawa Island, filled with hope for rescue and reprieve. But at first glance the island appears to be solely populated by birds … Perhaps the Apostle’s dire warnings about the fall-out of the Tribulation were true after all?

As Maryam and Joseph experience all the
topsy-turvy
misunderstandings and sexual tension first love entails, the antagonism between Maryam and Lazarus reaches explosive proportions. But when disaster brings the crushing realisation that time is now against them, all four must decide just who they can risk turning to for help …

Resurrection
is the third gripping, futuristic novel in the bestselling
Blood of the Lamb
young adult trilogy.

‘This book had me on the edge of my seat every time I picked it up and constantly dreading turning the page but unable to stop. Maryam’s story once again captivated me. I’m going to recommend this to my friend who has also read the rest of the series and loves it as well.’ Danelle, 16

Maryam is fighting for her life, freedom and love in this stunning finale to the Blood of the Lamb series. Maryam and Lazarus arrive back at Onewere, and Maryam, is captured while trying to loosen the Apostles’ religious stranglehold by showing the people the miraculous remedy. The ruling elite decides to manipulate her return and Lazarus’s so-called ‘resurrection from the dead’ by setting in motion a highly orchestrated pretence of embracing her as the new Messiah — right down to planning her eventual sacrifice and death by crucifixion before a hysterical and brain-washed crowd.

In a sequence that mirrors Christ’s final hours, Maryam must somehow get the islanders to listen to her plea to start thinking for themselves — eventually managing to stir the independence in their hearts just as she is about to be put to death …

Smashed
tells the story of three teenage friends, and how their friendship, loyalties and values are thrown into confusion when the main character’s younger sister is raped by one of his best friends. His reaction sets in motion a ‘ripple effect’, which culminates in a violent act of revenge upon the rapist.

Has our hero done this? As he finds himself deep in trouble and confused about the truth, he is forced to the vital question: are we really just puppets controlled by our genes, or do we have the free will to rewrite our own destiny?

Smashed
is a cautionary tale about growing up — of the huge and complex challenges today’s young people face in their lives. It tackles gritty teenage issues such as alcohol, physical and sexual abuse, and anger but with a sense of humour and great sensitivity. A thoughtful, pacy read — one that’s hard to put down.

Winner of the Esther Glen Award for Fiction 2008.

For more information about our titles go to
www.randomhouse.co.nz