Dearest Clementine (18 page)

The printer starts to churn again.

“Leave it on the desk when you’re done,” he says, motioning toward the clipboard before he turns his back to me.

I grab my bag off the counter and start to sling it over my shoulder when I catch a glimpse of his computer screen and see a familiar face.
He’s printing missing posters.

“Kade,” I say softly, “do you know Olivia?”

He stills and takes a deep breath before he turns to face me. “I’m not in the mood for this, Clem, and yes, I know her.”

His face looks pained, his mouth a tight line, his eyes full of emotion. We’ve never shared any fun or easygoing times together despite the fact that we have the same friends, but I know that look. After what happened with Professor Wheeler freshman year, for months, every time I stood in front of a mirror I saw a similar expression.

Even though Kade has never done me any favors, I have a hard time walking away. This must be what Gavin meant when he said Kade was going through a tough time.

Lowering my voice, I say, “Can I help you post those up around campus? I have to get to class right now, but I can probably put some up this afternoon.”

He looks up, surprised, and clears his throat. It takes him a second to respond. “Yeah, that would be great.”

I take a stack of fliers and start to leave but can’t. Rubbing the back of my neck, I turn back and inch toward his desk.
Be an adult, Clementine.
In my head I try to ignore every insult he’s ever given me, every dirty look, every rude remark. And there have been a few.

“There’s one more thing.” I crouch in front of his desk so that we’re eye level with each other. “I feel bad leaving you like this. I know we’ve never gotten along, but I don’t see why we can’t be friends. I want us to have coffee tomorrow, okay?” He looks dubious. “You can even pretend we slept together, and I was the worst lay ever.”

He cracks a smile.

“I have seen your tits. Let’s not forget.”

And just like that, the asshole is back. I smirk and let him have his dig. At least he’s not thinking about Olivia.

* * *

Kade is sitting at a small table in the corner of the coffee house when I walk in the next morning. He already has a cup in front of him, so I order a latte and sit across from him.

“I put up those flyers all over West Campus yesterday evening. Do you have any more? Because I ran out.”

His eyebrows are knitted tightly on his forehead. “Thanks. That’s great. I can get you some more.”

I pop open my drink, toss in two packets of sugar and stir. “How do you know Olivia?”

He sucks in his lips briefly and shakes his head. “How else? I asked her out last year, we dated a while, I was a dick, and then we stopped talking.”

I tilt my head as I stare at him. Kade’s hair is spiked up and forward into his face. His fierce hazel eyes peer back at me. He’s handsome, there’s no doubt about it, but the second he opens his mouth, girls want to slap him.

“Kade.”

“Clem.”

“Have you ever tried being nice?”

His face twists into a half-smirk. “Says the pot.”

I take a sip of my drink. “Touché. But I’m
trying
to be a nicer person. Thus, here we are, drinking coffee together despite the dozens of insults we’ve swapped.” He’s wearing a t-shirt and jeans and a rustic-looking brown leather jacket.
Better than that just-rolled-out-of-bed look he was rocking yesterday.
“On paper, you are a catch. You’re good-looking, you’re smart, and when you’re not being a dick, you’re kind of funny, not that I would ever give you the satisfaction of laughing at one of your jokes. Why do you have to be such a jerk all the time?”

He raises his eyebrows. “You think I’m good-looking?”

“That’s what you got from what I just said?” I give him a look, and he shrugs. “I’m trying to be helpful. Trust me, I’m not interested.”

“Yeah, I know. You have that thing going on with Murphy.”

I don’t know how to answer that, so I ignore the comment. “I think there’s more to you, but you never let anyone see it. If you make a deliberate attempt to
not
piss off girls, you might find that they like you for more than a month or two. It’s a crazy concept I have. Try it out.”

“Fine.” He rolls his eyes at me, but he’s fighting a smile.

“Tell me about Olivia. I’ve read a couple of articles about her. She spent last semester in England?”

“Yeah, but she traveled all over Europe before she returned.” He looks like he wants to say something else but doesn’t.

“What?”

He shakes his head. “This is going to sound weird.”

“Try me. But don’t be an asshole.”

Kade laughs, and it’s good to see a full-fledged smile on his face. “Livvy reminded me a little of you. She had this long brownish-blonde hair, and she loved to write. But she wasn’t as opinionated as some people I know,” he says, deepening his voice melodramatically.

“Me? Have opinions? Puh-leese.” I fold over a sugar packet until it’s the shape of a triangle. “She was an English major, right?”

“Yeah, she could read a novel in a night. It was really fucking annoying. You would have liked her.”

The way he talks about her in the past tense doesn’t escape me, and my heart breaks a little.

“She sounds like a great girl. Do you talk to her family?”

“Her sister. She’s really fucked up over this. Norah had convinced Livvy to come home for the Fourth of July weekend since they always partied it up together.” Kade gets quiet and lifts his mug to take a sip.

“Have you talked to Gavin about her? You know he’s been writing all of those articles for the
Freep
, right?”

“Yeah, we’ve talked. I don’t know anything that could help him, and I don’t want to be quoted in the newspaper. I hate how people come out of the woodwork to get attention when shit like this happens.”

That right there makes me warm up to him a little more. When my family is in the tabloids, people I don’t even know talk about me like we’re best friends.

Maybe Kade’s not such a huge asshole after all.

“I know what you mean.” I stir my drink a few times, not knowing what to say. “I’m sorry, Kade. I really am. Please call me if I can help put up flyers or make posters. Whatever you need.”

He nods. “The thing is, I pushed her away. For the life of me, I don’t know why. Livvy put up with my shit, she was beautiful and smart, but I had my head up my ass.”

“But what happened to her wasn’t your fault.”

Frustration and remorse lurk behind his eyes. “She decided to go abroad after we broke up. She was pissed at me.”

Okay, I’m doing a suck-ass job of giving this guy a pep talk. “Look, people break up all the time. You’re not the first guy to piss off a girl. Trust me.” He smirks. “She might have had the time of her life in England. What happened to her when she got home isn’t any more your fault than her sister’s.”

He stares at the table. “Do you ever feel like you don’t like who you’re becoming?”

I laugh, and his eyes dart to mine. “Kade, honestly, you’re frightening me. I never thought I’d have anything in common with you, but to answer your question, yes. What you said basically encapsulates most of my college experience.”

“I thought you were perfect.” He makes a U shape with his hands, and I flick my football made from a sugar packet toward the goal. Of course, I miss.

“About as perfect as you.”

He rubs his chin and grins. “I’ve never told you this before, Clem, but you’re a cool girl.”

I smile back.

“Thanks. You’re not too bad yourself.”

-
15 -

The sun is shining; the wind off the river is a perfect forty-five degrees; my heart is aflutter with thoughts of Gavin; Kade and I have called a truce; and my professor likes what I’ve written. I dare say the feeling I’m experiencing is called happiness.

“You whore,” Jenna whispers when she sees my grade on our last submission. “You got an A on your last submission?”

I nod, shushing her. Professor Marceaux is doing her daily strut. That’s what I call it. The focal point of this woman’s body is her hips, which she points to the far reaches of the earth as she walks. It reminds me of the catwalk models do, but this is more organic somehow, like she was birthed from erotic sculptures that infused sexuality through her all the way down to her toes. Watching her as she passes out the revised syllabus, I realize she’d make a great character. Inspired, I jot down a few notes in my journal before I lose the vision.

I’m marveling at my good turn of luck, at my ability to take things in stride, at how far I’ve come, when it all comes crashing down on me.

Clenching my eyes shut, I try to get a grip before I totally freak out. Jenna’s quick intake of breath tells me she sees it too. When I open my eyes, my name is still there on the paper in front of me. My roommate nudges me, and when I turn to her, the lump in my throat rises.

“Our class is critiquing your book.” Her words, a mixture of praise and worry, seize the very core of me.

I nod infinitesimally, barely able to breathe.

* * *

I’m hot and sticky. I smell. Running hasn’t purged me of all my nervous energy, but it’s helped. I’ve been pumping myself with positive thoughts for the last hour. Harper is always telling me the fear of a situation is worse than the reality. I hope she’s right and that I don’t pass out in the middle of class or piss my pants next week when we critique my book.

I open the door to our apartment and stop short. Gavin and Ryan are hanging out with Jenna and Dani.

“Hi, guys.” I wave, embarrassed that I look like crap, but the grin on Gavin’s face damn near makes me forget my name.

“Good! You’re back!” Jenna proclaims. “You looked pretty pissed when you left, so I wasn’t sure if you’d be out running a marathon. You have time for a quick shower before the pizza gets here.”

Gavin gets up to hug me, but I put up both hands to stop him.

“I’m sweaty.”

He grabs me anyway and whispers, “Not a problem in my book, darlin’.” I crack a smile. “Is everything okay? Why were you upset?” His eyes are full of concern as his hands grip my shoulders.

“It’s a long story. Can I tell you later?” I’m just starting to get a handle on everything, and I don’t feel like rehashing it right now.

He nods, kissing my forehead and then smacking his lips. “You’re salty.”

I laugh, pushing him away. “I warned you.”

When I emerge from the steamy bathroom fifteen minutes later, I grab a slice of pizza and sit next to Gavin as Harper walks in the front door.

“Look who I found loitering outside,” she says. “This bum claims he’s your brother.”

Behind her, Jax struts in carrying a large cardboard box. I haven’t seen him since our birthday. His hair is longer than he usually keeps it, but he’s tanned and sleek like a panther, brimming with that overconfident edge he’s always had.

“Hey, loser,” he says, placing the box on the coffee table next to the pizza.

“Hey, yourself.” As I eye the box, a knot forms in my stomach. I stare at my name on the side, written in my brother’s blocky handwriting. “I told you I didn’t want this.”

I get up and walk to the micro-fridge to grab some paper towels. My brother sighs at me. It’s one of those long, drawn-out sighs that reminds me of our mother.

“They were throwing away all of your shit. I know you don’t care about it now, but you might someday.” Rubbing the back of his neck, he laughs as he turns to my roommates. “You’d never know this girl was prom queen.” I give him a look, and he shakes his head. “Wait, you were homecoming queen too.”

“Jax, I never cared about that,” I say, ducking into my room. Although homecoming was fun, I only got voted prom queen because everyone felt sorry for me. It was so fucking humiliating. My face gets hot thinking about it.

My brother follows behind me and grips the top of the doorframe.

“Exactly. That’s why you were so popular.”

Rolling my eyes, I say, “I was popular because I was dating the 'star quarterback.'”

My brother ignores my sarcasm. “That’s not why. Clem, before all that shit went down with Daren, you were the coolest girl I knew. You were the party. You could make anything fun. I miss that girl. I miss my sister.”

“Yeah, well, that makes two of us,” I say grimly.

Jax is quiet, and I don’t remember why I came in here, but seeing my brother in the doorway, blocking my exit, makes me claustrophobic.

He clears his throat. “You know, Daren still feels really bad about what happened.”

I glare at him. After all this time, my brother
finally
wants to talk about it? “Why are you telling me this? Do you still think I’m hung up on Daren?”

“I don’t know. You haven’t dated anyone since high school, and I know you loved him. I just want you to get over it and have a life again. I mean, you stopped running track, you never go out, you hardly have any friends.”