‘Go up there, talk to him. You wouldn’t have anyone treat your Haleigh the way that man’s treated Rose!’
‘I know, that’s ’cause I’m Haleigh’s dad!’ Brian said.
‘And he’s hers,’ Jenny declared, as if somehow that made her whole argument watertight.
‘Really, no one has to go up there,’ Rose said, desperate to rescue Brian, who, she suspected, had been propelled into the middle of more than one of his wife’s feuds on very tenuous grounds. ‘I’m going back up there tomorrow. He said he’d answer my questions, so really all I have to do is think about what I want to ask him. I mean, I want to ask him about so much, but then again, I’m not really sure I want to know the answers. I’m not even really sure if I want to go.’
‘Ask him if he’s got a will,’ Jenny said.
‘Ask him which leg he’d like me to break first,’ Shona added.
‘Ask him why I’ve never met him,’ Maddie said casually, almost as if she wasn’t really interested in the answer, but it was the question that struck home hardest with everyone else around the table.
‘I’ll come with you,’ Shona said. ‘Like your bodyguard.’
‘Really, I think it should be me who comes with you,’ Maddie said. ‘He’s my granddad, after all.’
At first the idea horrified Rose, but it took her only a moment to wonder if actually it was the best way of tackling seeing John again. Bringing Maddie would take the tension out of the situation, defuse it from being confrontational into more simply a visit. And perhaps that way it would be easier for John to talk to her, knowing that she wasn’t there simply to accuse him or to start a fight. Maddie wasn’t the most relaxing child to introduce to new people, but Rose had a feeling that John would like that about her.
‘I think that’s a good idea,’ Rose nodded. ‘I think you should come, Maddie.’
Maddie looked up as if she’d forgotten what she’d recently suggested. ‘Hmm?’
‘That you come to meet John,’ Rose said.
‘Should be interesting,’ Maddie said to Brian, with an air of curiosity. Was it nice, Rose wondered, to be as disconnected from the world as her daughter sometimes seemed to be? Life raged on around her, full of violent storms and upheaval, and yet most of it literally went over her head. Yes, the things inside Maddie’s head could frighten her – she was often terrorised by various imaginary ghosts and goblins – but Rose had only ever seen her scared by real life once, the little bubble of her own world finally pierced, and that had been the night they had left Richard.
‘And me.’ Shona helped herself to a second helping of chicken pie, much to Jenny’s chagrin, which was only slightly softened by her adding, ‘Bloody lovely pie, mate.’
‘I think just us,’ Rose said. ‘Don’t want to frighten him off completely.’
‘What are you saying?’ Shona half accused, half laughed. ‘And what the bloody hell am I going to do in this dump while you’re up there?’
Before Rose could answer, Ted appeared in the doorway, his coppery hair damp from the drizzle, his battered leather jacket glittering with moisture.
‘Thank you God for sending me totty,’ Shona said at the sight of him, not even wincing when Rose dug her elbow into her ribs. Shona could never resist being inappropriate, no matter what the circumstances. Her faux flirtatiousness used to infuriate Ryan, and Rose was glad that at least he hadn’t knocked that out of her. Whatever she’d been through Shona always came back stronger and more determined than ever before.
‘All right?’ Ted nodded at Shona, his gaze dwelling for a
moment
more than was necessary on her ample and mostly on-display cleavage, before he smiled at Rose and then his mother.
‘Dropping you in a backstage pass for the gig tomorrow.’
‘Backstage pass?’ Brian snorted. ‘I didn’t know the pub had a backstage!’
‘Yeah, well, it’s got the snug, it’s a VIP area.’ Ted smiled at Rose. ‘You’re still coming, yeah?’
‘Well, I haven’t even asked about …’ Rose had been too preoccupied with hoping that Shona wouldn’t cause Jenny to spontaneously combust to ask her about babysitting.
‘Mum, you’ll look after the kid, won’t you? So Rosie can come to the gig tomorrow?’
‘Rosie?’ Shona giggled. ‘Are you going to a gig,
Rosie
?’
‘Course I will,’ Jenny said, smiling at Maddie, who was watching the whole thing unfold with minimal interest. ‘We get on, don’t we, love? You can tell me all about the Egyptians again.’
‘OK, and I’ll do you a test, say twenty questions, and then I’ll grade you,’ Maddie offered, oblivious to the look of muted horror on Jenny’s face.
‘Or we could stay up late and watch a movie,’ Jenny offered.
‘Or do a test,’ Maddie said. ‘Although I must say, I’d quite like to go to the gig if you are going to play that song.’
‘Which song, sweetheart?’ Ted asked her.
‘The one that’s going to change the world. I’d like to see the world changing.’
‘I tell you what, I’ll drop you off a CD,’ Ted said. He looked at Rose. ‘So you will come?’
‘Course we will!’ Shona said, taking the ticket out of Ted’s hand
and
holding her hand out for another. Reluctantly he handed one over. ‘Oh, and for the record, I like drummers.’
As soon as Maddie’s breathing became steady, signalling that she was finally asleep, Rose crept next door to Shona’s room, where she found her pouring a glass of red wine into a tooth mug.
‘Here,’ she said, holding it out to Rose. ‘You take this, I’ll take the bottle. Don’t worry, I’ll fill you up!’
‘Jenny doesn’t allow drinking in bedrooms,’ Rose said nervously as she took the mug anyway and sipped the sour-tasting brew. ‘She barely allows sleeping.’
‘Fuck Jenny,’ Shona said cheerfully and without malice. ‘It was two for one at the service station on the way here and I thought you and me would need a couple of drinks while we catch up.’
‘Which means you’re planning to interrogate me,’ Rose said.
‘Yeah,’ Shona said. ‘So drink up.’
Remembering the pleasant tingly feeling she had after her two whiskys, Rose obliged, downing the mugful of cheap wine in one or two gulps and then holding it out for more.
‘Fuck, where’s Goody Two-Shoes gone?’ Shona asked her, amused.
‘She ran away, didn’t you hear?’ Rose giggled. ‘So go on, ask me. Who the fuck is Ted, right?’
‘That question is first on my list. Who the fuck is Ted, because he is fucking lush!’ Shona’s eyes sparkled as she spoke. ‘Although far too young for you.’
‘He’s Jenny’s son. He’s been sort of flirting with me, but not in a serious way. More in a friendly, sweet sort of way, really. I think he’s pretending to fancy me to cheer me up.’
‘Well, I don’t know about that,’ Shona said, smiling to see that her friend was evidently cheered up by Ted’s attentions. ‘But it was obvious that he really wanted you to go to his gig, bless him. Like a keen little puppy, all wet nose and waggy tail. Or waggy something, anyway!’
‘Shona!’ Rose’s eyes widened, unable to suppress a chuckle at her friend’s boldness. ‘Yeah, but he couldn’t take his eyes off your boobs the second he walked in the room, and I don’t exactly have much in the way of competition. So I expect his interest to wane now that you’re here.’
‘He’s a bloke, darling, they’re all programmed to look at tits. If Jesus had walked in right then, he’d have been looking at my tits, because they are amazing. It wouldn’t mean he wasn’t the Son of God any more.’
‘Oh my God.’ Rose clapped her hand over her mouth and giggled, the wine already beginning to take effect, which with Shona doing her utmost to take Rose’s mind off things made quite a heady combination. ‘We’ll get struck down by lightning.’
‘No, we won’t. God loves my tits,’ Shona said, refilling Rose’s glass.
‘Anyway!’ Rose said, glancing upwards as if she were still expecting retribution. ‘Ted is just a lad who’s been nice to me. And from what you’ve told me, I sort of feel like I’m on borrowed time here, so why not have a laugh while I can? After all, it will be the first time in my entire life. I never went to gig when I was a teenager, or kissed a load of boys, or got drunk and had crazy hairstyles!’
‘I agree,’ Shona nodded emphatically. ‘I think you should go to the gig, I think you should have a laugh, let your hair down
a
bit, recapture your lost youth. And then I think you should shag him.’
‘I couldn’t do
that
!’ Rose spluttered. ‘I don’t want to do that. This isn’t what this is about!’
‘I’m just saying, if you’re going to prison or the loony bin anyway …’
‘I’m not, I’m not doing that,’ Rose said uneasily. Even though she knew Shona was joking, the idea that Richard could somehow manipulate her into either one of those situations wasn’t entirely out of the question. He was very good at getting what he wanted, and if he no longer wanted her around, then Rose was very sure he’d find a way to make it happen.
‘Anyway, I didn’t come here to pick up a younger man for casual sex.’ Rose shuddered at the thought of it. ‘I don’t even like sex.’
‘You freak,’ Shona muttered, before taking a swig from the bottle. ‘You don’t like sex with Dickhead, and why would you? He’s vile. Sex with a normal person, a warm-blooded one that doesn’t bite the heads off bats in his spare time, that would be different.’
Rose turned her face away from Shona, waiting for the moment of nausea to pass. How could she ever explain to Shona that the thought of anyone touching her that way, even Frasier, made her want to run to the hills and never come back?
‘I came here for Frasier,’ Rose reminded Shona. ‘Not my father, and certainly not Ted. It’s Frasier I’m waiting for.’
‘What if he never comes?’ Shona asked, tipping her head to one side. ‘I mean, he’ll come – it’s only a matter of time until you see him again – but what if he’s not at all how you remembered him? What if he’s fat and bald and mean?’
‘He won’t be,’ Rose said, smiling, her image of Frasier so firmly imprinted in her memory that she couldn’t countenance him being any other way. ‘I’ll find out soon enough, anyway. Albie said he’s up here every week, checking up on my father. And if he doesn’t come, I’ll go to Edinburgh.’
‘What if he’s blissfully happily married, got five kids and a dog? Or what if he’s gay, blissfully happily married, got five dogs and an S&M dungeon? Both of those scenarios are much more likely than the one you are hoping for, you know.’
‘I know,’ Rose said, although she didn’t know it at all. She was really very much more in denial about reality than she would ever let on. Something, some foolish notion that had wriggled its way into her heart and stayed there for years now, was convincing her that it was meant to be, when it came to her and Frasier; that eventually, no matter what horrors she had to endure and to fight against in her life under Richard, somehow, someday she would be with the man that was right for her. And because that time had to be now or never, Rose had not allowed herself to dwell too much on the terrifying possibility that she might – indeed, probably was – wrong, and had been for all these years. Because if she was wrong about Frasier then she had no idea what to do next.
Rose combed her fingers through her long brown hair, looking at her sharp pale face peering back at her from the mirror. Always the same, timid, cowardly face. She was thirty-one years old and she still had the face of a little girl.
‘I do know that, I do. It’s just … oh, I don’t know. I realise how stupid it sounds that ten minutes of talking with a man seven years ago were the most … exciting of my life. But then again, have you seen my life?’
‘I have seen your life and it’s because of your life, and your fucking shit dad and shit husband that you think those ten minutes meant more than they did. That’s all I’m saying. I just don’t want you to get more hurt than you already are, darling. And the odds are that is exactly what will happen.’
‘So what about Ryan?’ Rose asked, lying back on Shona’s bed a little too quickly so that her curtain of hair covered her face.
‘I told you,’ Shona said stubbornly. ‘He wants me back, I’m thinking about it.’
‘He wants you back and you’re thinking about it? How is that any less crazy than me chasing Frasier across the country for a pipe dream?’ Rose propelled herself upwards in her frustation and fury. ‘Shona, Ryan
hits
you! He beats the living crap out of you because he’s had too much to drink, or a bad day, or you say something wrong, or don’t say something right. He wakes up looking for excuses to hurt you. He hit you when you were pregnant, he hits you in front of the boys, he went to prison for nearly killing you.’
Rose struggled to find the right way to express herself, the exact words that meant that finally Shona would listen to her. ‘You’re so bright, so clever and strong. Why can’t you see this one blindingly obvious thing? If you take him back you will get hurt again, and who knows how badly this time.’
Shona said nothing for a while as she cradled the bottle, her hair covering her face. Rose watched her, desperate for some sign that her friend was registering what she was saying.
‘But this time he’s changed …’
‘Oh, give me strength.’ Rose flung her hands above her head, letting their weight carry her back onto the bed with a thud. ‘Shona, listen to yourself!’
‘I am,’ Shona insisted, her eyes flashing in defiance. ‘I know him, I know him better than anyone. I’m not a fool, Rose. I know what I’d be taking on if I went back with him, I do. He has changed, and who else will give him a second chance if I don’t?’
‘Why does he deserve one?’ Rose said angrily.
‘Because Ryan’s not like Dickhead,’ Shona flashed back. ‘
He’s
got good reason to be angry, to lash out. His own dad beat the crap out of him since he was a baby, his mum never gave a toss. No one ever taught him how to love someone. The only way he knew of getting out his anger and frustration was with his fists. If anyone deserves a second chance, it’s him, isn’t it?’
‘No one who can hurt you the way he did deserves a second chance.’ Rose was adamant, but she could see that getting angry was just making Shona more determined. With some effort she softened her voice, reaching out to touch her friend.
‘Shona,’ she said gently, ‘my beautiful, brave, fierce, mad Shona, you aren’t afraid of anything except for Ryan. Remember wondering every moment what would be the next thing to make him explode? Trying your best to make everything perfect for him, knowing he would always find some excuse? Please, Sho, whatever you do next, you can’t take him back. If you won’t do it for you then think about the boys. Do you want them to grow up thinking it’s OK to treat women the way Ryan treats you?’