Death Be Not Proud (16 page)

I got 94% on last term’s final physics test, Â for the term in French, but I’m not sure of my other term marks.

My prize for winning the “Time” Current Affairs Test came a few days ago. I was lucky to get my first choice, “An Outline of Atomic Physics.” Of course I would have to get a book that was meant for those who had taken a year of college physics. It takes about half an hour to make out each page, but I’m struggling with it diligently. As for athletics, I’m going out for soccer again, as the least of five or six evils. Luckily, the coaching is much better than it was in the fall.

I suppose you saw in the papers the other day that one Mr. Olsen was preparing to run for the Democratic nomination for Guvernor in Nebraska after (and this you may not have noticed) having worked in the kitchen of Deerfield Academy for several months. I suppose he is of no particular importance, for he certainly doesn’t seem to have any political opinions whatsoever, but he is a jolly old man with a wonderful gift for making himself popular and well-liked.

dearest love,

J
OHNNY

This was written to a schoolmate two weeks after the first operation:

May 14, 1946

D
EAR
S
TEVE
,

Thanks for that letter. I should like very much to clear up any misapprehensions you and the Corridor may have about my state of affairs. Frankly, I think I have discovered Utopia here at the Presbyterian Hospital. No school work. No athletics. No worries. All I do is eat, sleep, and have a wonderful time generally. My parents visit me every day. (I am dictating this to my mother.) My reading is still somewhat restricted, but soon I shall be able to have any book I want.

I had quite a serious operation. They had to drill three holes right through my skull. I’ll bet you’d never guess what the trouble was—excess pressure within the brain. The most painful part of the operation occurred beforehand—they had to shave off all my hair! That hurt so much that I resolve to grow a Brahmsian beard and never shave in my life. My hair is growing back—slowly.

Give my best to Mr. McGlyn and all the boys. Show them this letter—unless you think they’ll get too jealous.

This was in longhand to another schoolmate:

D
EAR
J
OHN
, Thanks for your card—you say you went to a camp. I must say
[undecipherable]
seems to me to be peculiarly machiavelian form of torture
[undecipherable]
able to give and they gave me 50 days worth of X-rays in 18—I always say I’ve got a wooden head and an iron stomach. Since then I had a wonderful time here in Madison though I couldn’t swim or sail or do anything very strenuous. Except about two weeks back at the hospital. They gave me a very new treatment—a derivative of mustard gas and I made a very good guinea pig. It was the first time it was tried at Presbyterian hospital, though several hundred cases were tried at other hospitals. I only puked three times—something of a

Then:

July or August ‘46

D
EAR
M
R
. B
OYDEN
,

Thank you very much for your letter, and particularly for that picture of Dr. Einstein. As for that crazy letter I sent him, I only wish I could understand it myself. As I wrote to Mr. Haynes, I think I must have written it under the influence of an overdose of caffeine, which I took to relieve headaches.

I will write Mr. Miller about my room next year as you suggested.

Would the following set of courses be satisfactory for me next year?

English IV

Chemistry

American History

Mrs. Boyden’s Math Gamma

I spent a wonderful month in the country, but now I am back in the hospital, but only for a few days (we hope) I’ve been doing considerable review work in math and physics.

D
EAR
M
R
. W
EAVER
,

Thank you for your kind letter—which my Father and Mother also enjoyed and appreciated very much. Here’s hoping your boys are studying hard and working well and not blowing up the place!

Give my best to Andy and Mrs. Weaver and the children.

I have been interred for weeks now subsisting on a diet of abominations. All I get is squash, brussels sprouts, turnips, spinach and the like—and I get no proteins, no fats, no salt— they give me dozens of injections and myriads of pills—(If you ask me, they are all laxatives too!)—and tons of fluids—fruit and veg. juices. However, it really isn’t so bad, and I suppose I shouldn’t complain.

They tell me it is doing some good and I hope to be back to school soon.

You may be interested to know that I was very lucky to meet Mr. & Mrs Lieber who have written the books on higher Math in verse all full of wonderful illustrations. Mrs. L. is head Math Dept. and Mr. L. of Art at Long Island University. And Dr. Francis Bitter dropped in from M.I.T. and we had a fine talk with him.

Give my best

Nov. 18, 1946

D
EAR
S
TEVE
,

Thanks for your letters, and I trust you had great fun picking potatoes! As for me, I have to eat the darn things (dry and unsalted), and don’t even get the satisfaction of throwing them. I am completely overwhelmed with myriads of pills— plus the stuff they call food here (I am still at the special clinic just for this diet). But I am much better and will be able to move home soon.

I’ve turned over a new leaf! I’ve forgotten all the theories that I tried to inflict on you last year and I’ve abandoned the pseudo-scientific brainstorms that wasted all my time last year. I’ll have my hands full just with schoolwork. I’m going to try to take my intermediate algebra final exam, so keep your fingers crossed for me.

Give my best to the boys.

Sincerely yours,

J
OHN

Nov. 18, 1946

D
EAR
M
R
. W
EAVER
,

Thanks so much for finding out about my experiment, and also for your fine book and letter.

Now that I’ve gotten used to this diet, I find that it really isn’t so bad after all; and after 28 months I will be able to have an egg once a week!

I’ve mastered the binomial theorem and after some more review work will try to pass my intermediate algebra exam.

Best wishes to Mrs. Weaver and the boys.

Dec. 1, 1946

D
EAR
M
R
. B
RIDGMAN
,

Would you be so kind as to inform me what English teacher I will have this year. I am feeling much better now and I think I will be back at school for the winter term.

Yours sincerely,

J
OHN
G
UNTHER
, J
R
.

Dec. 11, 1946

D
EAR
M
R
. W
EAVER
,

A million thanks for your letter! Next time you see Dr. Foster please thank him for me. I will write to the man you suggested. I do hope all this hasn’t caused too much trouble. I’ve written up twenty-five chemical experiments that I’ve done in the last five or six years, including many that we did together. (Remember that dust explosion?) I hope this will take care of last term’s chem. lab.

I’m back at Neurological Institute now after having been at a special clinic for my diet. All the doctors here are very impressed with my improvement.

Best wishes to Mrs. Weaver and the boys.

Sincerely yours,

J
OHNNY

During 1947 Johnny wrote little. One of the last scribbles I have of his handwriting is a note: “Scientists will save us all.” His last letter to his mother is in the text above.

The Diary

Sporadically for some years Johnny kept a diary, at Frances’s
suggestion and under her encouragement. When he became ill he carried his notebook wherever he went; on any trip to the hospital, no matter how brief, two things were musts: the recorder and his diary He told her once, “You put it on my desk so gently. You didn’t tell me to use it. You just put it gently on my desk, remember, and then I began using it, and I’m so glad.”

Usually he wrote secretly. But then he would push the notebook in a drawer, leave it unlocked, and make casual references to it. We think now that perhaps he was using the diary, such as it was in the later stages when his handwriting had become pitiably marred, as an indirect way of conveying messages to us. He was inviting us to read it and so find out what he was thinking that he didn’t wish to talk about.

But first here are some early notes, written long before his illness:

October 19, 1944

Woke up. No dream.

Tuesday March 20, 1945

Worked on garden. Saw Mr. Weaver’s cousin and good watch dog. Bicycle needs repair. “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn.” Cheerful

Thursday March 22

Arthur Murray—Miss Cummins. Not so bad after all. Have to face it sometime.

List of magic tricks as perfected:

Red and black

Coincidence

Favorite number

7
and
8

Chinese rice bowls

Sugar and water

anti-gravitation

Friday March 23

Ammonium sulphate came. Finished little plots. Fertilizer arranged. Saw “Carousel.”

There follows an item that he got 100 in a geography quiz and scored his first goal at lacrosse.

Tuesday—April 3

2
tricks learned:

Card on ceiling

Slap card out of hand

Still nervous, tense. Cannot be myself in critical moments. Happy.

The adjective I like least for myself is naive.

Thursday (otherwise undated)

A.R.I. Wylie’s article in R.D.—never decline challenge

All of the following notes are from the summer o f
1945 :

Friday

Started repairing wheelbarrow. Did considerable work on rocket plane. Wrote letter to grandma.

Life is short—so waste not a minute.

Tuesday

In New York. Eye exercises. Started clean apt. of chemicals.

Monday

Steve: Sue & John Hubner here. Tested Beak’s soil. Saw Mutti’s stories in News-Chronicle. Arranged monthly system of French word lists.

Wednesday

Went out all day on sailboat. Couldn’t get to Faulkner’s— had picnic on Tuxers. Mutti shocked when she learned we tried for Faulkner’s—Coast Guard, police, etc. called. Misunderstanding at beginning. But I lacked gumption—then refused permition to retry for Faulkner’s. All ended happily.

Gunther Philosophy:

1. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you but don’t love God with all your heart, mind, sole. To really believe in first you don’t need second. Good is an axiom.
   
2. No immortality.
   
3. Live while you’re living then die and be done with— never refuse challenge—never give up trying etc.
   
4. “How to Win Friends and Influence People” idea (Say nice things to Mutti once in a while).
   
5. Happiness depends on moderation—not too much ambition—Humility—“don’t-give-a-damnness”
   

Saturday

Fixed wheel cart. Worked a lot on grass. Read “Lost Horizon” and Stefandson’s article on Eskimos. British elections—!!

Sunday

Hubners and Helena Scheu here—beat latter in chess— learned a lot.

Wednesday

Put up sign but didn’t paint over other one. A lot of work on garden. Game of poker. Experiment—Putting magnet in colloidal graphite and salt solution. Wrote Pop.

Saturday

Long sail with Johnny. Taught him chemistry—electron theory etc. List metals & periodic table. Slept—ate—various errands.

Sunday

Before every act—ask yourself if that is what you want to do.

Tuesday

Good day. Lots done. Workshop.

Wednesday

Self analysis: About Ì time my conscious mind is either asleep or wandering off in space. This . . . accounts for procrastination etc. I am greatly over-introvert—caused by over-consciousness of what others think of me. Caused by my atheism (?).

Friday

V-J Day

Sunday

Sailed all day long.

Tuesday

War ended.

This is the first entry after the illness, written five days after Putnam’s operation:

May 5, 1946

More wonderful experiments! Compare M-N and shifting of red line. See Russell on de Sitter.

May 26, 1946. 9
A.M.
:

Have to stay in bed until temp, goes down. One minute later. Sitting up in bed!!

Last night—idea for space and time-like intervals came to me.

Discovered physiology of cough, how to cough silently— slow motion—what fun with the doctors.

Does phosphene react with anhydrous sulphuric acid in a manner analagous to the way ammonia reacts with water?

Interlude. Experiment. Ph. Analysis H S0.

By various indicators electrolysis to dehydrate H S0. Solubility KCL in H S0. Solubility AGN0 in H S0.

May 30, 1946

Hurrah. Finally saw how [two words indecipherable] arose from concept of proper time.

Friday, 31st

I guess Dr. Einstein saw through my letter, but it really was a pretty good job of bolstering me. How kind a man he must be to bother to reply anyway. Proton: a “hollow” in space time, where the number of coordinates necessary becomes infinite.

Summer, 1946

Wonderful time for a month or two in the country. Otherwise in the hospital—first at Medical Center, then at Mrs. Seeley’s clinic. Fall—at clinic taking this diet. [Then
comes a section marked “Interlude from last summer” with a long list of chemicals and apparatus and drawings of various experiments to be set up.]

November 10, 1946

Seventeen years old now. Finally “accepted” Dr. Gerson’s diet after two months.

November 11th

Ask parents what you can do to make them happy. Mother and Father (that’s how I call them now, not Mutti and Papa).

Dr. Gerson says reducing diet overdose may have caused liver trouble and that in turn the tumor. This troubles me. Recently turned over a new leaf. No more brainstorms. From now on I do school work.

Mother and Father swapped apartments a few days ago, preparatory to my moving from here to 530. Remarkable smoothness.

Always:

Work, talk, give.

November 12, 1946

Talk. Give. Work.

Here is a prayer I thought of last spring at Medical Center. Live while you live, then die and be done with.

November 13th

Liebers were here. Mr. Lieber showed my psychoscapes— spontaneous drawings with crayon.

November 16th

Resolved to ask
Father about divorce.

A few days ago Mr. Haynes came down from school to see me. I had written a letter of despair to Mr. Boyden. Mr. Haynes reassured me. Let me off some of my lab work.

November 17th

Got Father’s and Mother’s sides of divorce all straightened out. What wonderful parents.

November 18th

Wrote three letters, to Steve, Mr. Boyden, Mr. Weaver.

Selves:

1. Ambitious—sanguine (not very sensitive)
   
2. Walking-up-and-down-self Sensitive, clever
   
3. Meditative
   

November 19

Mr. Ohl, my tutor, came for the first time to the clinic. It is a private home which Dr. Gerson uses as a clinic. Mrs. Seeley, Miss Gerson—such nice people!

November 22nd, 1946

Wrote letter to Mr. Haynes.

Philosophy: “Get yourself off your Harids.” Happiness is in Love. Accept disappointments. Relieve oneself by confession of sins. I am growing up at last.

November 23rd

Took trial examination in intermediate algebra by myself, on my own. I am trying to keep up with this year’s English and
history
while tackling last year’s exams one at a time.

I must ask Mother what I am still “failing” in, such as posture, etc. Dr. Traeger visited.

Things to do:

Make list of things wanted in the country. Spelling rules for Edgar.

Lab work.

November 29th

Henry, John D. and Judy were here.

I have yet to learn the lesson of contentment.

I think I forgot before, I had a wonderful birthday party, even ice cream, though not very good.

Accept
misfortune.

Get yourself off your hands!

Be spontaneous and aware, LOVE!

November 30th

Steve Stullman here from school—Thanksgiving vacation.

I guess I’m not the dreamy neurotic old fool I sometimes think I am.

I thought of 47 chem. experiments which I’ve done in the past year or so. It will take care of my chem. lab for two terms. Hurrah!!

I will write them up soon.

December 1st

I am rather tired today—didn’t do much of anything. I shave every two weeks or so. I try to be “aware” of posture, pills, telephone conversation, facts and figures people tell me.

December 4th

Back at Medical Center.

December 6th

My nurse, who I only know two or three days, compliments me quite overwhelmingly on my personality. This cheers me up. Keep up the good work. People really appreciate it.

December 10th

In a few hours I will try last year’s algebra exam.

Get news about experiment NaH elec. in NH.

December 11th

Dr. Gerson, Mount, Miller all here. Changed bandage. I did very badly yesterday on exam. Wrote letter to Mr. Weaver. Mrs. Seeley visited me.

December 12th

I am “aware” of spelling, vocab, now. Posture improved. Mother has been showing Billie and Sue how to bring food from the Seeleys for me.

Friday, Dec. 13th

Book-of-the-Month Club accepts Father’s Book!!!!!

No more financial worries!

December 14th

Mother has to bring food every day from Mrs. Seeley’s now. Then she stays the afternoon. Father comes up in the evening.

Today I was too lazy to get dressed. Tomorrow I will.

December 16th

Still at Neurological Institute.

Billie brought up the food for Mother today. My lab work chem. (this year’s) and physics (last year’s) is finished and I
showed it to Mr. Ohl. Now I
will do a little algebra in case I
flunked the exam, which Father sent to school.

I asked Father to call up Dr. Gerson’s assistant to see if NaCl irrigation is all right. Perhaps they can use KCl instead. Gerson gets apoplexy at the sight of sodium!

December 17th

Ask Francis Bitter what is the relation of that which a particle loses upon deceleration and that which it gains upon the approach of another particle.

I have been much more “spontaneous” ever since the operation last spring. I relieve myself of worries regularly to Mother.

Now I can’t even remember the things that used to bother me.

This annoys me.

December 18th

John Davison here. He told me about Mrs. Boyden’s special class, Math Beta—I must find out more about it.

December 21st

Hubners visit me. I do a lot of physics and math. Father can’t come. Mother tells me of Grandma. This tumor is wearing her down somewhat.

I asked Dr. Mount the other day to dig another hole in my head and pull the packing through. I have an abscess from the dead tumor cells. I have had surgery, x-rays, mustard gas and Gerson diet.