Death on the Installment Plan (60 page)

She was awfully violent. Listening to her curse that way, the starch went out of des Pereires … he wasn’t cracking wise anymore … He began to cry … He burst into tears … He threw himself right into her arms … He implored her forgiveness … He knocked the pipe out of her mouth … They went into a feverish clinch … Right there in public … And they didn’t break … But she went on yammering in his arms … The same words over and over …

“I’m going to mend it. Courtial! I’m going to mend it! Something tells me I’ll be able to! I know she can hold up … I’m positive! … I’ll bet on it … What about our
Archimedes?
… Didn’t she hold her own for forty years? … Why, she’d still be in there fighting …”

“But she was only a captive … You see, sugarplum … it’s not the same wear and tear …”

“I’ll go up myself … I’m telling you … I’ll go up! If you two aren’t in the mood …”

She was taking it hard … She kept looking for an out … Anything, so long as we didn’t give up …

“All I want is to help you. You know that, Courtial, don’t you?”

“Of course I do, angel … That’s not the question …”

“That’s all I want … You know I’m not lazy … I’d even go back to midwifing if that would help … I’d start right in again if I could … I wouldn’t wait … Even in Montretout … Good Lord, even in Colombes, as assistant to the one who took over my practice … I’d do anything at all … Just so they don’t come and evict us … You see how I am … Actually I’ve been making inquiries all over … But I’ve lost my hand … And besides there’s my face … It would hand them a laugh, I’ve got to admit … I’ve changed quite a lot … so they say … I’d have to fix myself up a little … Hell, I don’t know … shave, I suppose … I refuse to pluck it out …” She lifted her veil. Frankly, she was quite a sight … in broad daylight … the caked powder … the rouge on her cheeks, her violet eyelids … those thick moustaches, and even a suggestion of side-whiskers … And eyebrows even bushier than Courtial’s … Dense enough for an ogre, no kidding! With all that hair on her face, she’d scare her expectant mothers out of their wits … She’d need quite some fixing … she’d have to change her whole face … It gave you pause …

We stayed there a long while side by side in the gardens, telling each other stories, trying to comfort each other … The night fell very slowly … All of a sudden she began to cry again, so hard it was really the limit … A paroxysm of misery …

“Ferdinand,” she implored me. “You won’t leave us at least? Look at the condition we’re in … I haven’t known you long. But already I know that down deep you’re a good boy, aren’t you? … Besides, everything will come out all right … You can’t tell me different … It’s just a bad time we’re going through … Don’t worry, I’ve seen worse … This can’t be the end … We’ll just have to put our shoulders to the wheel … all three of us together … But first I’ve got to see what’s what … I’ll see what I can do by myself …”

She gets up … She goes back to the shop … She lights the two candles … We don’t stop her … She opens the trapdoor … She starts down … She stays down there in the cellar by herself for quite a while … rummaging through the junk … unfolding the cover … tugging at the rubbish … seeing for herself how rotten it was … how absolutely decrepit and ragged … I was alone in the shop when she finally came up … She couldn’t say a word … She was suffocating with real grief… She sat in the armchair like paralyzed, completely bushed … pooped … finished … Her lid flopping around on the floor … Seeing it with her own eyes had really stunned the old battle-ax … I thought she’d keep her trap shut now … that she had nothing more to say … But then she started up again … after maybe fifteen minutes … But this time it was lamentations … She spoke very softly … like in a dream …

“It’s washed up, Ferdinand … I admit it … Yes … It’s true … You were right … It’s done for … It’s awfully sweet of you, Ferdinand, not to leave us now … two old folks like us … You won’t leave us, will you? … Anyway, not right away? … Eh, Ferdinand? Not right away … not for a few days at least … A few weeks … You’ll stay on, won’t you? What do you say, Ferdinand?”

“Yes, madame … Yes, of course! …”

Next morning when Courtial came in from Montretout around eleven o’clock, he was still pretty embarrassed.

“Well, Ferdinand? Anything new?”

“Oh no,” I say. “Nothing unusual …” And I start questioning him in return. “Well? Is it all straightened out?”

“Straightened out? What?” He plays it stupid. “Ah, you’re referring to yesterday?” And right away he starts handing me a line. “Listen to me, Ferdinand! I hope you don’t take all that gossip for coin of the realm … No, you couldn’t … She’s my wife, yes, of course … I honor her above everything … there’s never been a real quarrel between us … So much the better! But we might as well call a spade a spade … She has all the terrible drawbacks that go with so generous a nature … She’s intransigent! Despotic! You see what I mean, Ferdinand? … Impetuous! … She’s a volcano! She’s dynamite! … Whenever anything goes wrong, she blows her top … Sometimes she frightens even me … There she goes … And she works herself up … she explodes … She splutters and stammers … She loses her head … And talks through her hat … It’s not so bad when you’re used to it … It doesn’t throw you … I forget it as quickly as a shower at the races … But let me repeat, Ferdinand … in thirty-two years of marriage … emotional outbursts, yes. But never a real tempest … All couples have their quarrels … I’m even willing to admit that we’re going through a nasty moment right now … Unquestionably … But it’s not the first time … we’ve seen worse … It’s not the end of the world … To say we’re stone-broke on that account … destitute! evicted! … sold out! attached! … is pure imagination … I won’t stand for it … The poor kitten! Naturally I’d be the last man in the world to hold it against her! … It can all be explained! … It’s out there in the cottage that she cooks up these nightmares … alone all day … with nothing to do but think … it gets her down … in the end it carries her away … She works herself up! … She works herself up! … She loses track … She sees and hears things that never happened … Yes, since her operation she’s been inclined to … imaginings … impulses … I’d go even further … Sometimes she’s a little delirious … Ah yes, several times, I’ve been really taken aback… . Definite hallucinations … She’s perfectly sincere … Like this thing about the complaint … My oh my! You understood, of course? You caught on right away? … Actually it was very funny … It was ludicrous … But she’d done it before … That’s why it didn’t get a rise out of me … I let her go on … I didn’t seem surprised, did I? You noticed? … I acted as if she were perfectly normal … That’s what you’ve got to do … Mustn’t frighten her … That’s it … Mustn’t frighten her …”

“Yes, of course. I caught on right away …”

“Sure, that’s what I thought … Ferdinand hasn’t fallen for it … he’s not that gullible … He must have realized … It’s not that she drinks, poor thing! No, never! … She’s the soul of temperance … Except for tobacco … In a way, she’s more on the Puritan side … It’s the operation that turned her inside out … Ah! She was a very different woman … If you’d only known her before! … in the old days …” He started looking under the piles of papers … “I wish I could find her picture when she was young … the enlargement from Turin … I ran across it only a few days ago … You wouldn’t recognize her … It’s been a revolution … In the old days, I assure you, before she was operated on … she was a marvel … her carriage! the roses in her cheeks! … Beauty personified! … And what charm, my boy! … And her voice! … A dramatic soprano! … All that was wiped out from one day to the next … with a scalpel … It’s incredible … I can even tell you without vanity that she was unrecognizable! Sometimes it was almost embarrassing … especially while traveling … Especially in Spain and Italy … where they’re such ladies’ men … I remember it all clearly, I was rather touchy in those days … quick on the draw … I’d go off the handle for nothing at all … A hundred times I was on the verge of a duel …”

Memories were going through his mind … I respected his silence … and then he started off again …

“Well anyway, Ferdinand. We’ve got other worries … Let’s get down to serious matters … Suppose you drop over to the printer’s … And now listen and try to understand … In the villa … in the desk … I’ve found something that may help us out … If my wife comes back … if she asks … you haven’t seen a thing! … you don’t know a thing! … It’s only a receipt for a charm and a bracelet … But they’re solid gold … absolutely genuine … warranted eighteen carat … Here are the tickets from the Mont-de-Piété … We could give it a try … Go see Sorcelleux on the rue Grange-Batelière … Ask him what he’ll give for them … Tell him it’s for me … A favor … You know where it is … Fifth floor, staircase A … Get the concierge to show you the way … Ask him how much he’ll give me for them … That would give us a little money ahead … If he says no, try Rotembourg … on the rue de la Huchette … Don’t show him the ticket … Just ask him if he’s interested … And I’ll go around myself … He’s the worst kind of crook! …”

For all his air of not caring one way or another, the
commissaire
on the rue des Bons-Enfants was a mean bastard. It was mostly his doing that they took action … And that the public prosecutor got mixed up in it … Not for very long, it’s true … But long enough to give us a good pain in the ass … The office was full of cops … They went through the motions of searching the joint … What could they expect to find? … They were pretty sore when they left … They hadn’t found anything to indict us on … There was no clear evidence of fraud … They tried to bluff us … But we had our alibis … We had no trouble clearing ourselves … Courtial trotted out some articles of the law that were entirely in our favor … After that they called him up to the Quai des Orfèvres almost every day. Just listening to his protestations … his cock-and-bull stories … the examining magistrate laughed for full five minutes. Right off the bat he said:

“Before presenting your defense, send back those money orders … Reimburse the contestants … It’s a common confidence racket, out-and-out piracy.”

Those words gave the old man a jolt … He defended himself tooth and nail, inch by inch, desperately …

“Reimburse what? Destiny is crushing me … I’m being driven to despair! Harried! Hounded! Ruined! Trampled! Persecuted in a thousand ways! And what does he want now? That’s what I’d like to know? To gouge my last nickel out of me … To hell with them! … Imaginary offenses! They’re out to get me! A hornets’ nest! A sewer! I can’t stand it! … The villainy of all those people! It would drive an angel to drink! … But I’m no angel! I defend myself, but how sickening it is! … I proclaim my innocence … I told him off all right, that jack-in-the-box! that beast! that scoundrel! that little shyster! … A whole life, monsieur, devoted to the service of Science, of truth … my intellect! … my courage! … one thousand two hundred and eighty-seven balloon flights … A whole life of peril … of relentless struggle … against the three elements … And my honeyed friends, where are they now? Ah! The ignorance! The prating! … Ah yes … for light … for the education of the masses! … And have it come to this! … Faugh! … to be hunted by a pack of hyenas … Constrained to cavil and quibble! … Flammarion will come and testify! He’ll come! And then that no-good despicable snotnose stops me short … why, he was positively rude … ‘Hold your tongue,” he says. ‘Hold your tongue, des Pereires, I’m sick of listening to you … Let’s get back to the subject. Your perpetual-motion contest … I’ve all the proofs right here … is nothing but a monstrous racket … If it were your first … but it’s only the most flagrant … the most recent … the most barefaced of the lot! … An utter imposture! … A cynical shell game! You can’t get around Article 222, Monsieur des Pereires! … Your rules don’t make sense! … You’d do better to confess … Read your own prospectus over again … Look at your ads! … What phenomenal gall! … There’s not a shred of honesty in the whole contest! … It’s completely unjustifiable … Absolutely no way of checking up! … You just worm out of it! … It’s all eyewash! window dressing! You carefully frame the rules in such a way as to make the whole thing impossible! … A fine kettle of fish … It’s an out-and-out swindle! … Pure fraud! … Theft in the most literal sense of the word … You’re nothing but a leech, des Pereires, on the grand ideal of Science! You live by setting traps for enthusiasts … high-minded seekers after truth! … You’re a despicable poacher on the preserves of Research … You’re a jackal, des Pereires … a loathsome beast! … Your kind can only live in the deepest darkness … the most inextricable thickets! The least ray of light sends you scurrying! Light! That’s just what I mean to throw on your low activities! Take care, you dangerous specimen … You putrid, slimy survivor of the fauna of the estragulums! Every day I send whole litters of crooks that are a lot more pardonable than you out to Rungis! …’

“But perpetual motion, I told that brute, is an ideal that runs through all human history … Michelangelo! Aristotle! Leonardo da Vinci! Pico della Mirandola! …

“‘So you’re going to be the judge,’ he fires back at me … ‘You think you’re eternal? … You’d have to be … you’re aware of that … to judge that contest of yours fairly! Ha! I’ve caught you there! Am I right! Eternity? … You say you’re eternal? … just like that! There you have it! … It’s as plain as day! When you started that contest, you had no intention of picking any winners! … Am I right? I’ve caught you red-handed, robbing those poor unfortunates? All right, just sign this, here at the bottom.’ He held out his fountain pen! The bastard! The unmitigated gall! I hadn’t said boo, and he hands me this paper! … I ask you! … I was thunderstruck … Naturally I turned him down flat … It was a trap! … A rotten low-down ambush, and I didn’t mind telling him so … He couldn’t get over it! … I walked out with my head high!