Death, the Devil, and the Goldfish (31 page)

The walls shook slightly, the light spots in front of her eyes cleared, and she looked up to see Nigel standing calmly in the middle of the hallway and some guy in a black robe that she sort of recognized standing against the wall with a big grin on his face. Celina leaned to the side to see where the elves had gone and realized that they weren't gone at all.

They were still in the hallway, but they weren't charging anymore, they didn't even look deranged anymore.

Instead, they were all dancing in perfect unison.

7m18s

The lemon battery was practically complete. Each lemon had a piece of copper and a paper clip inserted into it, every lemon connected to another lemon. An elf stood on either side of the lifeless Santa Claus. Each held an end of the wire hooked up to the ridiculously long line of lemons; both were careful not to touch the ends of the wire.

The Devil was busy swishing his tail excitedly; he hopped down off the Santa Claus as getting electrocuted was not part of his plan. There were few moments in the Devil's long career that he could say he was proud of. The getting kicked out of heaven thing was a bit of a downer, that guy getting nailed to a tree screwed up his plans completely, he had to take some credit for Hitler, and he was extremely proud of creating the world-wide phenomenon of Reality TV Shows, but all in all, he felt he hadn't really left his mark yet.

This, however, wouldn't just be a mark, this would be an enormous scar across the face of the Earth. He was about to gain control of the biggest holiday of the year. He would become jolly old Saint Nick incarnate—the chaos he could cause, the heartbreak, the influence, it was all too beautiful. He would practically be worshipped! Oh, how he longed to be worshipped. There was still the matter of the contract to deal with;it stated that he had only seven days on the surface, but he had a plan to change that. A magnificent plan.

"Let's get this show on the road!" shouted the Devil. "Battery ready?"

"Ready," shouted several elves in unison.

"Santa Claus prepped?"

"Prepped and ready to go!"

"All right, let’s plug it in!"

Nothing happened.

"Are we plugged in?"

Still nothing.

"What the hell is going on?" snapped the Devil.

The elves stood completely motionless. The two elves holding the wires had stopped at mid-plug-in.

The Devil looked at Itch and Big Ernie for answers.

Big Ernie stared vacantly, which he always did when he didn't know what was going on. He tended to stare vacantly a lot. Itch just shrugged his shoulders.

"What just happened?" said the Devil.

"I think I can answer that," answered Death as he walked into the warehouse.

As Death led the way through the dozen or so dancing elves, Celina's mind danced with questions. One question in particular pushed its way to the front.

"How did you do that?"

Nigel stepped around an elf that was doing the Twist.

"I'm not really sure myself."

"You just reprogrammed all the elves."

"You said it could be done."

"You said you weren't telekinetic," said Celina.

"I didn't think I was!" said Nigel.

"What are we arguing about?"

"I'm not sure, you started it. Everything just sort of appeared in my head, I just had to focus on the elves," said Nigel as if it was the easiest thing in the world.

When Nigel stopped thinking, everything fell into place; he realized that the power of thought played a very little part in his ability. In fact, Nigel realized that his telekinetic power, even at such a minor level, was not controlled by his thoughts at all, it was his belief that he could do it that had thrown the information provided by Jeremiah into the elves and scrambled their programming.

A large amount of his belief had been fueled by the little goldfish, not that Nigel knew that. But then, neither did Jeremiah.

"What now?" asked Celina.

"Have I told you how beautiful you look?"

Celina stared at Nigel, turned a lovely shade of hot crimson, giggled a girlish giggle, and then quickly regained her self-control and told him with a fair amount of aloofness, "No you haven't, and frankly, I don't think you should at a time like this."

"Fair enough, maybe later, then," said Nigel and strode on purposefully. "You know, I think I have an idea. Death, could I have a word?"

"You!" shouted the Devil.

"Me," said Death. "Aww, what a cute kitty you are."

"Shut up! Shouldn't you be looking for work? I demand you tell me what you're doing here!"

"No," said Death.

The Devil looked quite put out for a moment and then a look of calm anger washed across his little kitty face.

"Plug in the unit, you ridiculous little creatures!" barked the Devil, despite being a cat.

The elves didn't move.

The Devil ran over to Death and looked up at him, pupils large and fierce, his claws extended, tail swishing as if it had a mind of its own. "All right, what did you do?"

"Nothing," said Death innocently.

"What are you even doing here? I thought you'd quit, no, I thought we had agreed that you'd quit. In fact, I quite expected you to be sitting on a beach somewhere, completely sozzled by now."

"I was for a while, but it's a bloody pain in the ass trying to order drinks when no one remembers you," said Death. "It was a good plan, though, convincing me to quit."

"I don't what you're talking about," said the Devil with feigned innocence.

"You knew what would happen if I quit, you knew the dead would stop being dead and it would cause worldwide confusion, but more importantly it would cause a distraction."

"Oh, you are very good, you've been chatting to a wine waiter, haven't you?" said the Devil and turned to Itch and Big Ernie. "You two!"

Big Ernie jumped slightly.

"Plug in the Santa Claus," said the Devil, and then turned to sneer at Death, "you can't stop me, you know? No one can."

Death shrugged. "I know I can't."

"Then what are you doing here? You're just delaying the inevitable?"

Nigel stepped into the warehouse and walked calmly over to Death and the Devil.

"Ah," said Death, "Luci the Devil, meet Nigel."

Death bristled, or rather the hair along his back bristled, and his tail puffed out. "Luci-
fer,
Lucifer!"

Nigel looked at the cat.
Remarkable
,
the Devil inside a cat
.

The Devil stared right back at Nigel and took a quick glance into his soul.

"And just what is it you think you can do to me, Nigel?" asked the Devil. "Shouldn't you be off gambling somewhere?"

Nigel smiled.

"I'm thinking of giving it up. Actually, I'm just here for the cat you've possessed. Oh, and to make the elves do this." Nigel snapped his fingers and the warehouse PA system came to life with a squeal.

Celina thought the plan was ridiculous. There was no chance of it working. Not even a slim chance of them succeeding. Throughout the last several hours, however, she had learnt a great many things, one of which was to trust Nigel. At first, he'd seemed sort of dull, not overly smart, and annoyingly calm. It would appear there was a lot more to him than met the eye, and she was seriously considering asking him out for a coffee or something.

"What the hell are you thinking, Celina?" asked Celina. "We're in the middle of a life and Death, in the most literal sense, situation and you're thinking of going on a date!"

"Pardon?" said Eggnog, who sat beside her on the floor of the shipping office.

Celina had momentarily forgotten about the elf who was again being used as a power source.

"Sorry, Eggnog, just talking to myself."

The two-way radio they had taken from the dancing elves buzzed to life.

"Hullo." Gerald’s voice crackled over the speaker.

Celina picked up the radio.

"Almost ready, Gerald, two secs." Celina, who had several wires plugged into Eggnog, inserted a CD into the computer she was using, turned up the volume on the speakers, removed the office phone from its cradle and poised her right index finger over the PA SYS button. She picked up the radio and pressed the talk button. "Okay, Gerald, ready when you are."

3m25s

Gerald was joyously hiding behind a pile of empty gasoline drums watching Death talk to the cat when Nigel walked out. He pressed the talk button on the radio.

"Nigel's talking to the cat." He watched Nigel raise his hand and snap his fingers. "Now, Celina, now!"