In the days and weeks to follow, her depression was deep again. She had no interest in doing anything but sleeping. I tried to lift her spirits with some moodenhancing drugs even though I knew this was only a temporary solution, and when I did get her to do something, she did it mechanically without any passion whatsoever.
One afternoon Ralston came to see me to discuss Grace's condition,
"This one is slipping through our fingers, Claude," he began. "Nurse Gordon has been giving me updates on her."
"Giving you updates?"
"Now, don't go chastising her, Claude. She claims you're taking this all too personally, that you've become too involved with this patient to be
objective."
"Who is she to make such a diagnosis of the situation. Ralston? That woman steps over the boundaries constantly here. I admit she has a lot of experience and she is very efficient and dedicated, but she is not a trained psychiatrist, and I think it's inexcusable for her to have gone to you like this. I am the lead doctor treating Grace Montgomery. and Nadine knows that.
I
am disappointed that you even received her. Ralston."
"I'm concerned only for you. Claude." he said.
You should be concerned only for our patient," I retorted. "I am. That's why I'm here," he fired back at me.
We were both quiet. It wasn't often that we were at each other like this. and I knew it had a great deal to do with my relationship with Grace,
"Her condition has become very severe. All I'm saving is this might not be the right place for her. You've had some terrible ups and downs with her. Claude."
"I don't see it that way. Ralston. I think I still have an opportunity to help her. Now. I want you to support me as to this business with Nadine Gordon. It's inappropriate behavior and you would not like it if the roles were reversed,"
I
said firmly.
He nodded. "Okay," he said. "You're not wrong about that."
I called out and asked that Nurse Gordon come to my office immediately. I could see Ralston was uncomfortable, but this was a matter of protocol that I wouldn't permit to be violated.
"Nadine," I began when she entered. "Dr. Price has told me about your reports to him concerning one of my patients. This is entirely inappropriate of you and
I
resent it."
I
began.
She raised her shoulders and stiffened her spine.
"I did what I thought was appropriate," she fired back at me.
"You did wrong,"
I
said sharply, "and Dr. Price has remained here to tell you that as well."
Her eyes barely flickered. She didn't as much as glance at Ralston. Her attention was fixed solely on me.
I
thought she looked disappointed, however, and not angry.
"I was only trying to protect you. Doctor." she said after another moment. "I'm sorry you don't realize that,"
"Protect me? From what?"
"From failure," she said. "From making a mistake."
For a moment
I
didn't know what she meant. What did she know ?
"Your motives are admirable. Nadine." Ralston said. "We both appreciate that, but I'm afraid Dr. De Beers is right to be upset. I should have told you to report to him and not to me.
I
am somewhat at fault here, too, but in the future, please go through the proper channels," he concluded.
"Very well. Doctor." she said. "Is that all?"
"No."
I
said. Ralston's eyebrows lifted. Nadine's face turned a bit crimson, "How have you been doing with the investigation of the incident in Grace Montgomery's room?"
The teddy bear's arm?" she asked, as if it was a simple prank someone might pull on Halloween.
"Yes. I consider it quite serious."
"I am confident it has nothing to do with any other patient of ours. Doctor.
I
can't be sure about all the attendants, but the ones on duty that night are very reliable in my view." She glanced at Ralston. There was something that he hadn't told me. I could see the conspiratorial look.
"And?"
I
asked.
"And I think there is a possibility Grace Montgomery did this herself,"
"That's ridiculous." I snapped back at her.
"You remember Claudia Boston, the teenage girl we had as a patient two years ago?" she said calmly.
"She was hiding her own things and accusing everyone of stealing from her."
"That's no analogy. There are too many differences," I said, but Ralston didn't look as if he agreed.
"Nevertheless, it's a possibility, Doctor."
"Well, where did she hide the thing all this time. Nadine?" I asked with exasperation. "We've turned this clinic inside out looking for it, especially in her room."
"Maybe she found a place to hide it during one of your frequent walks with her," she threw back at me.
I
know
I
was the one turning a bit crimson now, Willow. Ralston raised his eyebrows again and gave his "Ummm"
"All right," I said. "I don't want to keep you from your duties. Please keep what Dr. Price and I have said to you in mind."
She didn't reply. She just turned and left, but at the door she looked back at me. and Willow. I swear it was a young woman's look of pain.
It
was as if I had somehow betrayed her and not vice versa.
"Step back a bit, Claude," Ralston told me when he stood up to go. "Take a few deep breaths and look at the situation again. All of it." he added and then left me.
I sat back and gave what he said deep thought. Reviewing my confrontation with Nadine Gordon, however.
I
was ever more disturbed and concerned. The look I had seen in her eyes when she had left us troubled me. What I suspected. Willow, was that the attention I had been giving to Grace bothered Nadine far too much. It finally occurred to me that in her bizarre fashion, my head nurse was actually jealous. All sorts of thoughts passed through my mind then, and one horrifying one settled at the top.
I deliberately remained at the clinic after Nurse Gordon's shift had ended. As soon as she left the clinic.
I
went to our nurses' quarters. Everyone was busy attending to her duties. Each of our nurses had her own locker for her private things. I had a master key that opened everything in the clinic, including those lockers. You can't imagine how my fingers trembled when
I
inserted the key into that lock and opened that cabinet. Willow. At first
I
saw nothing unusual. Then
I
moved a blouse aside and there it was: Grace's teddy bear with the arm torn off. I think all the blood in my head went to my feet.
I
was numb with shock. I took out the stuffed animal, quickly closed the locker, and returned to my office. where I sat trying to decide how to handle this obviously vicious act. The more I looked at the torn teddy bear, the more my shock turned to rage.
I decided not to let another moment go by. I looked at the files, jotted down Nadine's address, and called for Miles.
"I have to make a stop on the way home tonight," I told him and gave him Nadine Gordon's address.
Never having been there before. I searched the directory at the front door and found she was on the first floor. I buzzed and waited. It took so long for her to respond. I didn't think she was home, but finally she asked who it was and
I
identified myself. The front door was buzzed open immediately, and I heard her open her apartment door down toward the end of the corridor.
-
Wearing
a
faded pink robe, she was standing in the doorway, obviously quite shocked by my arrival,
"Dr. De Beers, what brings you here?" she asked.
"This," I said and took the torn teddy bear out of my briefcase. Her face turned a dark shade of crimson.
"Where did you find that?" she demanded,
"Where do you think
I
found it. Nadine?" I replied and stepped toward her so aggressively, she pulled back. I didn't go any farther into her apartment than her entryway and closed the door behind me, "How could you do such a terrible thing?"
I
asked.
"I didn't do any terrible thing.
I
found that and put in my my personal cabinet. I didn't want to disturb you with it," she quicky added. She wasn't a good liar. Her lips trembled too much, her eyes shifted guiltily away from mine.
"You know I won't believe that. Nadine. Why did you do it?"
She looked at me a moment and then shook the fabrications out of her mind and became angry herself.
"Because you were getting too involved with this one patient and you couldn't see what it was doing to you, that's why. She's a conniving, manipulating... I did it to help you, to bring about an end to your... your..."
"What?"
"Fraternizing. You aren't treating her anymore. You're socializing. You're--"
"How dare you do such a thing, assume such things, take such liberties with a patient of mine? This is one of the cruelest things I've seen. I don't want you there any longer. Nadine. I'll send you your severance pay, and I'll have your things sent to you as well. From this day forward you have nothing to do with the clinic or me,"
I
said, turned and opened the door.
"You'll regret that!" she shouted after me. "I am the only one who really cares about you. Dr. De Beers!" she yelled as
I
walked down the corridor. "You'll see."
I was glad to shut the entrance behind me, take a deep breath, and go on home.
All the confrontation did was fill me with a more desperate determination to be with Grace and to help her. I couldn't wait to get to her the following day. It was a very bright, warm day with streams of thin, sheer clouds spread randomly over the soft blue sky. She had permitted an attendant to take her out to the gardens, where she sat quietly. For a moment I stood back and watched her. She looked so young and innocent, tally part of the natural beauty in which she had surrounded herself. Willow. The breeze made strands of her hair dance softly over her forehead. Two sparrows toyed with landing beside her, bringing a gentle smile to those lovely lips of hers.
When I approached her, she looked up at me. The moment she realized it was I. her eyes became a second or so from filling with tears.
"I'm so happy you've come out here. Grace," I began.
She shook her head. "Let me go. Claude," she pleaded. "Before it's too late."
"What are you talking about. Grace? How can keeping you here with me ever be too late?"
She looked away and took a deep breath.
"Grace, how do you think I would feel the day after you left? How effective would
I
be with my other patients? Don't you understand? I love you, Grace. You're not simply one of my patients. You're a new reason for me to be. and I hope that somehow I can be the same to you."
She looked up at me, her eyes now awash in those tears I saw pending.
"That can never be. Claude. You know that." "I don't know anything. I'll find a way. I'll--"
"Claude," she said. pressing her small clenched fists against her bosom. "I'm pregnant."
I could hear the hollow, resonating sound of Nadine Gordon shouting after me in the hallway.
And suddenly it was like all the leaves and blossoms of the flowers around Grace and me came raining down around us like so many tears.
10
A Visit from Jackie Lee
.
My legs actually went out from under me.
Willow.
I
sat beside her quickly. It was as if a clap of thunder had none off right beside my ear and snapped me back to reality. This dream I had been living in was over, probably forever. Of course. I asked the expected questions: Are you sure? When did you realize it? That was when
I
figured out exactly when you were conceived. I shook my head, wondering what was wrong with me? How could
I
have not anticipated this possibility?
"I'm sorry," Grace said.
"Oh, no. no." I protested. "You have nothing about which to be sorry, Grace. I am the one who should have an apology branded on his forehead. I'm your doctor here. You have been under my care."
She stared at me a moment. "You're right." she said. "I'm not sorry, but not for that reason. I'm not sorry because
I
am carrying our love inside me," she added.
I
felt as if my heart would burst with joy and admiration. How could she, the one who was clinically depressed, the one who had suffered so, be the one to see something beautiful and hopeful in this crisis? Was our love truly that strong? Had I been right to believe in it, in its healing- powers?
"That's nice of you to say. Grace," I told her. but I would be even more remiss if
I
did not point out the consequences for you as well as for me."
I thought a moment.
"There might be a way to keep people from knowing this. I could contact a doctor I trust and--"
"What are you saying? You can't be serious!" she cried, her eyes wide with shock. "The baby is all we have, can have together."
"That might be trite, but..."
She shook her head. "I will not have our child destroyed, Claude. Is that what you want?"
"No,"
I
admitted, "but if we reveal what has happened--"
"We won't. We'll find a way. You'll find a way," she insisted, "Promise me. Claude. Promise me you will."
In the face of such determination_. I would have promised to pull the moon from the sky.
"Give me some time,"
I
said, and she relaxed and smiled.
Later I was sorry I had made such a promise. No matter how
I
racked my brain. I couldn't come up with a solution that would leave Grace unscathed, never mind myself. The whale reputation and future of the clinic was at stake as well. Willow. There were dozens of other patients being treated and many waiting for an opening so they could come to our clinic. My staff. Ralston Price, everyone's future were in jeopardy. Ralston had put as much of himself, his time and energy into developing our clinic as I had. How horrible all this would be for him. I thought.
Guilt never weighed down on my shoulders as heavily as it did those days after Grace had confided her situation in me. At home Alberta was becoming more strident, her complaints about our home practically greeting me at the door each and every time I returned. No matter how late the hour, she was at me, telling me how embarrassed she was about our grounds, the poor job the gardeners were doing, the fading paint, the aging driveway, on and on, declaring she was too ashamed of it now to bring any of her friends around.
I
wasn't eating well. I lost weight, and when I gazed at myself in the mirror. I saw how gaunt and troubled I appeared. This all reflected on my effectiveness with my other patients, of course. And then there was Grace, looking to me for same solution, her eyes full of confidence and love and expectation. She was more fragile than ever, just teetering on a tightrope of sanity. How much longer did she have before someone else discovered her condition?
I
had to be careful about her medications, too, and without telling him who she was, confide in a obstetrician friend of mine to be sure I wasn't giving her anything that could harm the fetus.
In the end. Willow, it was your mother, ironically, who moved it all forward, who pushed us into a solution. Once again the patient was the doctor. She quietly took note of the changes in me, the struggle I was undergoing, and on her own, because she was so concerned for me, she decided to take things into her own hands. She didn't tell me what she had done.
One afternoon just before my last therapy session of that day was completed. Edith Hamilton interrupted with a call into my office. Whenever the phone rang and I was with a patient. I knew it had to be something serious and significant or else it had to be Alberta demanding to speak to me.
"I'm sorry, Dr. De Beers." she began. "but Mrs. Montgomery is here and insists on seeing you immediately."
"What?"
She lowered her voice.
"'She's going to make a big scene if you don't agree to see her. Doctor. She has a man with her she says is her attorney, too. What should I do?"
"Tell them
I
will be right with them. Edith,"
I
said "And tell Nurse Cohen to step into my office."
My heart was thumping so loudly, I thought my patient heard it clear across the room.
"Doctor?" Suzanne said, poking her head around the office door.
I
approached her so my patient couldn't hear me.
"Suzanne,
I
have something of an emergency on my hands. Could you see that Mr. Winthrop is not unduly agitated by this interruption."
Carlton Winthrop was precisely the wrong patient to be in my office at the moment. He was suffering from acute paranoia and would surely interpret the interruption as some sort of a criticism of him. However. Nurse Cohen was aware of all this and I had confidence she could handle the situation.
As soon as they were gone. I called Edith and asked her to show Jackie Lee and her attorney into my office. Never did my desk seem more like a buffer and fortress than it did at that moment. I was happy to be standing behind it. I smile thinking about it now, Willow, but believe me, I was as close to, as they say, wetting my knickers as ever.
Jackie Lee charged into the office so
aggressively, she bumped poor Edith out of her way. The man I assumed to be Jackie Lee's attorney was right on her heels. He was a tall, lean man with very sharp facial features, highlighted by a long, thin nose that looked like he could use it to peck opponents. He carried a briefcase, and held it so closely, it reminded me of a jewel courier with a case containing valuables handcuffed to his wrist,
"Mrs. Montgomery," I said, evincing surprise at her appearance and not daring to refer to her as Jackie Lee at the moment.
Edith lingered curiously in the doorway until my eyes shifted quickly to her. She stepped out and closed the door instantly.
"This," Jackie Lee began. "is my attorney. Mr. Madison, who served my late husband. Winthrop Montgomery,""
I nodded at him, but he didn't say a word, nor did he offer me his hand to shake.
"Please sit down."
I
said, indicating the sofa.
"I'd rather stand," Jackie Lee said. Her attorney, however, pulled the chair I used when I spoke to my patients, and turned it toward the desk. He offered it to her.
"Go on. Jackie Lee." he said. "This might take a while longer than you anticipate."
"Yes," she agreed. It might, Thank you. Bennet," she said, and sat. He brought the other chair closer,
"What is this all about?" I asked, lowering myself slowly to my own chair.
"The fact that you don't know what it is all about does not surprise me," Jackie Lee said. She gave her attorney a look of satisfaction and then turned back to me. "My daughter called me this morning. very early, I might add, to tell me she was pregnant." she said.
For
a
moment
I
thought my chair had turned to mush and I was actually sinking lower and lower and would disappear from sight. Grace must have come into my office, I thought, and made the call before I had arrived at the clinic.
"You don't look terribly surprised," Jackie Lee said. "Again. I'm not surprised. I imagine such a thing is not unusual here."
I
started to shake my head.
"And don't think you can put this all off on someone else. You are the head of this ... this place. It's your full and complete responsibility."
Had Grace told her everything?
"Of course," I said. "What exactly did Grace tell you?" I asked. At this point Jackie Lee sat back and her attorney took over.
"Miss Montgomery informed us that she was with child. She said she believed she was raped. She said she believed someone, one of your attendants, perhaps, had come to her room when she was under some sedation or another and taken advantage of her. She has only a vague recollection of this monster, so a clean, precise identification is not possible. Because of her condition, she did not inform her mother, or vou apparently, until now, and from what Mrs. Montgomery understands, she is in a late month. She calculates it to be the beginning of the eighth, in fact."
You would think one of your expert nurses would have noticed." Jackie Lee interjected.
I knew how careful Grace had become when it came to anyone seeing her undressed, and cleverly she had taken to eating more so as to justify the weight gain that had started to be evident in her face. In fact, others an the staff interpreted her new robust appetite as something of a clinical improvement in her condition.
"Nevertheless," Mr. Madison continued. "we are here to produce a solution."
"Don't you have medical doctors examining your patients from time to time?" Jackie Lee snapped
at
me.
"Well, of course, if a patient has a medical issue. we--"
'A medical issue? What
do
you call pregnancy, a psychological phenomenon?" she practically screamed.
I stared at her, not moving
a
muscle, not even
a
muscle in my face.
"As you can see, this point astounds both of us. Dr. De Beers.
Why wouldn't your nurses know she was pregnant?" Mr. Madison asked me.
"Grace isn't incapable of taking care of her own bodily needs. Mr. Madison. She bathes herself, dresses herself. She obviously never indicated--"
"How can she be expected to do that? She's a patient, a mental patient?" Jackie Lee interrupted.
How could I tell her that Grace had been hiding her pregnancy with my blessings all this time?
"Maybe it's not true." I said softly.
The possibility stopped them cold. Jackie Lee, who had been leaning toward me, froze. Then she looked at Mr. Madison.
"You mean, you think Grace Montgomery might be hallucinating this?" he asked.
"It's possible," I offered. I felt very low doing this, Willow, but
I
also felt so cornered that I had little choice and I was searching desperately for some temporary solution.
Jackie Lee relaxed.
"'Well. I will want her examined immediately to determine that," she said.
I nodded. "Absolutely," I said. "Immediately."
"And," she continued, revving up her aggressive demeanor again, "I want to know exactly what you will do should it be true."
"What I will do?"
"What Mrs. Montgomery means is what we will expect you to do." Mr. Madison said with a cold, wry smile on his thin lips. He opened his briefcase and reached in to produce some papers. "First, we want you to take full responsibility for this event. You will have to have a full investigation of your staff, of course, not only for Miss Montgomery's benefit but for the protection of your other patients."
"Oh, without doubt," I said.
"You will do this all in such as way as to protect Miss Montgomery."
"What he means." Jackie Lee added. "is you won't permit any of this to become public. Should you do so, we will sue you for damages that will turn you into a pauper." she threatened,
"Which brings us to the disposition of the child." Mr. Madison said.
"Child." Jackie Lee said, practically spitting the word on my desk.
"Should the pregnancy continue, of course," her attorney added,
"I see no reason for that to happen." Jackie Lee said. "Who would want such a child anyway?"
"Why don't we wait on that. Mrs. Montgomery? There are medical issues if this pregnancy is as late as you believe it is and--"
"I certainly don't see why Grace would want to give birth to such an thing," she insisted,
"As I said. I need to do a full investigation and--"
"Okay," Mr. Madison said. "Let's look at every contingency here. Should a fetus came to term, you will be responsible for it in every way."
"Absolutely,"
I
said.
'1 couldn't imagine bringing such a child back to Palm Beach!" Jackie Lee cried. "No one, no one should ever know about this," she emphasized. "I'm warning you." she continued, pointing her finger at me. "You will be one sorry person should that happen."
Mr. Madison put the documents in front of me on my desk.
"We'll be at the Grand Hotel overnight." he said. "We expect that you gill make a full
determination of the actuality of the situation, and you will agree and sign to all that we have stipulated here."
"I could sue you and this clinic for thousands and thousands of dollars," Jackie Lee said, her eyes dark and fixed on me. "but that would only bring terrible notoriety to my daughter and to me. I'm sure it would end this .., this place. You're just lucky about that."
"I'm sorry. Mrs, Montgomery. I will look into it all and get back to you as soon as possible."
"No later than noon tomorrow," Mr. Madison said, as if he was talking about a gunfight.
"Understood," I said.
Jackie Lee opened her purse and took out a handkerchief,
"I feel so guilty. I was the one who put her here," she said, wiping her eves. "I told her she would be safe, be better off, be helped!"
I couldn't speak. Willow. What was I going to say? That Grace had been helped? That she was better off? In many ways she was. I had confidence that she would be able to return to some sort of a normal life, but my own sense of guilt was so overwhelming. I couldn't utter a sound.
"You will note." the attorney said firmly, nodding toward the papers on my desk. "that Mrs. Montgomery will expect a total refund of all the monies she has spent here."
"Yes." I said, glancing at the documents. "Of course."
"And as soon as she can leave., I want her sent home," Jackie Lee said.
She stood up.
"I want to see my daughter now." she demanded.
"Yes." I said. "I'll see to it immediately."
I
fumbled for the phone and called Edith.
"Please ask Nurse Cohen to return to my office, or if she's not available. Mrs. Litton," I said.
Nurse Cohen showed up so quickly. I thought she might have been standing just outside my door.
"Nurse Cohen will take you to Grace, Mrs. Montgomery, She should be in arts and crafts, should she not. Nurse Cohen?"
"She should be, but she's not. She's in her room." she replied, her eyes signaling some concern. She turned to Jackie Lee. "I'll take you there."
"Thank you."
I
said.
As soon as they all left. I felt as if the air had gone out of the room with them.
I
sat stunned and stared at the closed door. If I didn't know what to do before, I certainly didn't know what I would do now.