Authors: C.A. Harms
Zack
Knowing that Lindsay and Camden were waiting for me at home was a feeling I couldn’t explain. I just knew I fucking loved having them here.
I remember the nights I would choose to work out for hours after the other guys left, just because I couldn’t stand the loneliness. Now I found myself just wanting to get through the day so I could get home and spend as much time with them as possible. I still hadn’t brought up the idea of them moving here with me. I had thought about it more than once, but lately Linds had been more quiet than usual. Every time I asked if she was okay, she insisted she was fine.
I was still getting to know things about her, but I would have bet she was lying. She was more withdrawn and had a sadness about her that was concerning.
Things were tense on base. The guys were all humming with energy as we pushed hard to complete our pre-deployment training. That was another thing I failed to mention to Lindsay. It was selfish of me, I knew, but I just wanted to enjoy the time we had together without that hanging over our heads.
The idea of being without the two of them for months was something I would have to face. I understood that. But I was procrastinating telling her as if it would somehow stall the entire operation.
“We’ve got our orders men,” Tracker, also known as Nelson, announced happily as he entered the weight room. “We leave in three days.”
My heart sank.
Rigdon and I exchanged a look and I knew in that moment my best friend understood the battle I was having. I felt like someone was squeezing my heart so fucking tight it literally ached. I did a great job hiding it on the outside but I was dying on the inside. Anyone who knew me well enough would see right through the mask I wore.
I hadn’t felt like this since the phone call came from my brother the morning my father passed away.
I wanted to stand up and walk out, drive straight to my apartment and hold Lindsay and Camden close. But we still had a good three hours left of training. I couldn’t flake, I wasn’t built like that, but fuck if I wasn’t having the hardest time of my life.
“We got this,” Rigdon said from my left.
I nodded.
“It’s gonna be hard,” I whispered.
“We knew that,” he reminded me.
“Not the task at hand, Rig,” I inhaled deeply and then let my breath out slowly. “Leaving them.”
He remained silent at my side.
I already felt like I had missed so much that I couldn’t get back. I knew there were hundreds upon thousands of military men who missed so many milestones and special moments when it came to their children and families every day. But I felt like I just got them, and now I had to leave them. The idea of that was playing with my head like nothing ever had before.
I hadn’t had enough time with them. But I had to admit that any amount of time wouldn’t be enough. I wanted every minute of every day.
For the remaining part of our day we were pushed and then pushed some more. We were tested and at times I could feel my body just wanting to give up. I knew it was more emotional distress than physical tolerance. But I just wanted to get home and spend time with the two people who found their way deep into my heart and took up permanent residence there.
***
I stood outside my apartment door with my ear pressed to the cool metal. I could hear the giggles of Camden followed by the sweet laughter of Lindsay.
When I arrived home ten minutes ago, I practically sprinted to the door, but just as I was about to open it I heard the sweetest sounds from the two of them. Now I found myself just mesmerized by the beauty of it. I didn’t want it to end, so I was fearful of my interruption.
The music of some country song broke through their happy moment and I found myself cussing her damn phone and the person calling.
“Hey,” I heard her answer, and I swore she was just on the other side of the door, she sounded so close. “He’s not home yet.”
There was a silence and I thought about taking that as the perfect moment to enter but stopped when she spoke again.
“No, I haven’t asked him, but I think I will tonight. I don’t know if I can pretend it doesn’t bother me any longer.” I pushed in a little closer to the door and even held my breath as if my own breathing could keep me from hearing what she said next. “I wasn’t snooping when I found them; I was putting laundry away.”
I had no idea what she could be referring to. I honestly had nothing to hide. Without even thinking, I burst through the door and found her sitting on the floor holding Camden in her lap.
She looked up at me, her eyes wide in surprise.
“Tay, listen, Zack just got home.” Her eyes were still focused on me. “Um, yeah, I’ll, uh…” she cleared her throat. “I’ll call you later.”
I sat my bag on the floor and moved toward the couch as she hung up the phone and shifted Camden to face me. “Hi,” she said, smiling. I could pick up on her nervous behavior. “You hungry? I made dinner.”
“Smells good,” I assured her. “But I think maybe we should talk first.”
And just as I thought she would, her eyes shifted to her lap.
“I know something has been bothering you. I picked up on it a couple days ago and maybe I should have said something, but I thought you would come to me.”
I’d hoped she would come to me.
“It’s really…” I didn’t let her finish her statement. I knew it was shit.
“Do you want this to work between us?” I asked her. She nodded her head. “Me too. But in order for that to happen we need to be completely honest with each other.”
Camden had begun to grow slightly agitated and I knew any moment she would use that as an excuse to avoid whatever it is that had been on her mind. What she didn’t know yet was that we did not have a lot of time to waste.
I reached out and took Cam and placed him on my knee as I swayed it from side to aide. Once again he was entertained, but for how long we didn’t know.
“I overheard what you said to Taylor on the phone.” This time when she tried to look down I placed my hand under her chin and forced her to continue to look at me. “What I need to know is why I didn’t hear it first?”
“At first I thought I should just move past it. I figured it was nothing,” she said.
“And now?” I asked.
“I don’t know what to think.” She appeared shameful.
I adjusted Camden on my lap and slid to the floor in front of Lindsay. I felt like I needed to be closer. “Whatever it is, I need you to talk to me about it.”
A few minutes passed before she spoke.
“Do you still talk to Haven?” I was a little disgusted by the mention of her name and curious as to why Lindsay would even think so.
“Not since the day after I first met my son,” I replied. “I called her and told her I knew. Then told her to never contact me again.”
“I guess she didn’t listen,” Lindsay whispered.
And it was then that I understood.
I reached out and grabbed the strap of my bag, pulling it closer. I then took my phone out of the front pocket and held it out to her. “You can look,” I told her. “She has texted me a few times since then and each message is still unread. I don’t reply; I don’t care to see what she has to say. And the only reason I have not changed my number is because it’s a hassle to change with everyone. It was just easier to ignore her random messages.”
Lindsay hadn’t taken my phone even though I offered it. She didn’t know what the messages said either because they were still unread. She only knew they had been sent to me.
She was also silent.
“That girl kept me from my son. I have no desire to see her or speak with her again,” I added, hoping it would trigger a reaction.
She mumbled something I couldn’t understand.
I leaned in closer and placed my forehead to hers. “Talk to me.”
“Why do you have her clothes in your drawer?” she asked.
I lifted my head from hers and gave her a confused look.
“I was putting away the clothes you had on your dresser and found them. I wasn’t snooping.” At that moment, she looked so innocent and sweet it was impossible not to smile.
“You can snoop all you want; I’m not hiding anything.” I lay Camden on the floor at our side, handing him a toy, and placed my palm against her bare thigh. “I can assure you I wasn’t aware they were there. Linds, I moved things in this place so fast I didn’t take the time to go through anything. If they were there, it was not intentionally.”
“Did you love her?” she asked, and the laughter fell from my lips before I could control it.
“Sweetheart, it was never that way between her and me. Yes, we had a relationship, if that’s how you want to refer to it, but it wasn’t anything special. She wanted more; I just wanted to keep it as simple as possible. It never would have lasted.” I was being truthful; I had always felt like the pieces weren’t all there for Haven and me to ever be more than what we were.
“I can’t really say much about it,” she said. “This is your place and I’m not…”
I cut her off by pressing my finger to her lips. “You have the right to ask me anything you need reassurance on. We’re in this together. I got this place because of you and Camden,” I confessed. “At first when I found out I had a son, all I could think about was finding a way to get him closer to me. I didn’t want to miss any more than I already had. But, Linds, the time I spent getting to know him through all those Skype calls and videos, I got to know you too. We never had that chance before. I found the person you are isn’t even close to who I thought you were; you are so much more. I want the two of you here, indefinitely, not just for the holidays. I want us to be a family.”
She seemed surprised by my words.
“I want you to transfer schools and live here in California with me. Camden comes first, and that is how it will always be, but babe, I want you, too.” I took in a deep breath because I felt the burn in my chest from the thought of losing them. I hadn’t really thought much of it until now.
“I don’t want to keep bringing Haven up or even talk about the details of when I was with her, but you need to hear something from me. It may make me sound like a complete asshole, but in order for you to know, I have to be blunt.” She nodded her head hesitantly.
“She and I were just a fling; that’s all it ever was. There were never any feelings involved, at least not from me. It was wrong of me, I knew it was, because I could tell it wasn’t the same for her. But I stayed in that fucked up situation because to me it was safe.” I paused and waited until she looked directly at me. “I knew I could never fall for a girl like her.”
Lindsay swallowed hard and attempted to look away, only I didn’t allow her to. “Not like you,” I whispered. “I knew the first time I met you that you would be easy to love.”
She shook her head, and closed her eyes tightly.
“Yes,” I leaned in and kissed her lips softly.
Camden squealed at our side as he kicked his legs and gnawed on the little blue dog rattle in his hands.
Lindsay and I couldn’t help but smile.
As I stared at our son, with my hand wrapped securely around Lindsay’s, I felt complete. “I can’t even begin to remember what my life was like before I found out I was a father. I don’t want the life I had before,” I confessed. I looked back at the gorgeous, kind, and innocently sweet girl before me, and the burn in my chest rose to my throat. “I want this life. With you and our son.”
***
“Have you told her?” my mother asked as she entered the apartment. I could only shake my head.
It was wrong of me, I knew that. My deployment should have been the first thing I told Lindsay when I got home tonight. I just couldn’t.
Tonight was my mother’s last night here in California before she flew back to North Carolina, where she moved after my father passed. It was where my grandparents were and she wanted to be close to them.
“You can’t expect her to plan to move here when you’ll be gone.” My mother began to lecture me. I knew it would happen but I still didn’t want to hear it.
I turned around and walked toward the kitchen to grab a beer from the fridge, and she followed behind me closely after she shut the front door.
My mother had survived many deployments throughout her marriage to my father. She was a pro, and understood the preparation and even the mental strain it had on everyone involved. I knew she understood each aspect of my impending day, but fuck I wanted to be right. I had to be right.
“If I tell her now, it could change everything,” I said in a hushed whisper.
Lindsay was getting Camden ready for bed, and I didn’t want her to overhear this conversation. I just wanted one night without my deployment hanging over us.
“Zack,” my mother placed her hand on my shoulder and stepped up closer to me. “It’s not fair to her for you to expect her to be here, knowing no one, having no family or friends, while you’re thousands of miles away.”