December (The Page Sisters Book 1) (12 page)

“Fuck you,” I mutter breathlessly, shoving desperately at his chest.

“Maybe later tonight,” he replies arrogantly, holding me firmer. “I’ll let you ride me this time and I’ll make sure to add room for foreplay. But knowing you, you’d want to get right down to business.”

“And maybe I can compare how good your skills are to Josh’s,” I counter, wanting to erase that smug expression from his face. It doesn’t work. This man doesn’t seem to have any humility at the moment.

He stares into my eyes, flashing me a slow conceited smile I feel in my stomach. “I’m nothing to relate to, little lady. But you can try and fail.”

“Fuck you, Danny.”

“You will soon,” he says matter-of-factly, as if talking to an eager and misbehaving child that is begging to eat their dessert early. He removes his hand from my jeans and we both stare down at his slicked fingers. He brings his fingers to his mouth, his tongue parting his lips and he tastes me, licking his fingers.

“Danny,” I murmur huskily.

“Sweetest icing I’ve ever known,” he says darkly. “You get back to your party.” He says it like a warning.

I’ll take it as my leave.

Without another word, I straighten my clothes and run my fingers through my messy waves. I walk away from Danny and make my way back to my party. Everyone is still chatting like Danny and I never left. Josh is on a bench talking quietly to his sister. They’re blue eyes meet mine simultaneously. Accusation is brewing in Josh’s eyes and Piper’s gaze is merely curious.

“Hey, blonde ones,” I greet, sitting next to them on the bench. My obliviousness seems to break the ice.

“How have you been?” Piper asks softly.

I shrug. “Living life.”

“That’s one hell of a life you have,” Josh mutters. “You get around a lot for someone who’s home bound.”

“It’s a good life. I can’t complain,” I agree, nodding my head and pretending the double meaning in his words fly over my head.

“I see the bitch has made her grand appearance,” he says almost too low to hear.

“Call me that when you’re head is between my legs again. Maybe this time I might remember it,” I reply haughtily.

Josh laughs humorlessly and snorts. His eyes have transformed into searing flames of blue fire that’s ready to roast me alive.

“Oh my God. Stop this,” Piper pleads, bringing her palms up to her face in horror. “Both of you are hurting each other. Stop it. Life is too short for this nonsense. Find a way to work things out or let each other go. Just don’t be mean and rude to one another, calling each other nasty names and saying words you don’t mean or can’t take back.”

The mercilessness instantly leaks from every fiber of his body and his eyes lose focus as he settles back on the rusted bench. He releases a heavy sigh, glancing at me. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry for being an insensitive bitch,” I respond like we go through this hate and love phase a hundred times a day.

“Good,” Piper says, lifting her chin at us. She’s a proud sister. She’s proud of Josh. “December, do you think we can have coffee sometime soon? I want to talk to about a few things.”

“Yeah. Sure. Call me.”

“Okay,” she says through a genuine smile. She stands and turns to face us. “Be kind to each other, kids. I’m off.”

We both mumble farewells and watch her tell everyone goodbye. She stops by Danny. He smiles at her and they begin to talk for several minutes. He says something to her. She laughs and squeezes his arm. There interaction is warm and affectionate. Then they both leave…together.

“Wonder where they’re off to,” Josh says too casually, stretching out his legs.

“Who cares? Are you ready to leave?”

“Are you still down for dinner?”

“Hell yes.”

He gives me a small smile. “Well, let’s go eat.”

T
HE
P
AST

December age fifteen

It’s the day before Christmas Eve. The sleepover incident is two weeks behind me. Josh caught Riley in the act of forcing me to have sex and he beat the living shit out of him. I don’t remember it clearly, but I know whatever Josh saw made him go mad with fury. He snapped and lost it. Riley had to be rushed to the ICU the same night I had to go to the hospital for an examination. The nurses also took blood from the vein in my arm. Rohypnol was found in my system. I was drugged heavily, but not raped.

There was an investigation done. Nothing happened out of it. Jessica also “unexpectedly” ended up in the hospital, drugged out of her mind. No one else from the sleepover got roofied. Riley had to have his face pieced back together, and he suddenly had no idea who jumped him. All in all, Josh saved me. But not everyone is spared. My mother cries almost every day. I constantly apologize for making her so sad. She cries more then. She hugs and kisses me every time she sees my face. Danny doesn’t let me out of his sight when we’re together. He gets anxious when I want to go places alone. He doesn’t like it but he doesn’t stop me. I like venturing out by myself. I mainly go to the Lazy Ville Sanctuary to watch the animals there. I go because I love it, to gain a piece of mind. Besides, most of the animals don’t talk back.

I talk too much now. Mom and Danny wanted me to get a therapist, so I did. Her name is Mrs. Ginger. She’s old, seventy-four years to be exact. She’s nice and we talk about everything, including me almost getting raped, but I talk about my father more than that.

I tell her how I wish I knew what he looked like and how much I love him, even though I don’t know anything about him. My sisters aren’t remotely warm to the idea of getting to know him even if he did reach out, which he hasn’t. But I am. I know he’s the missing link to who I am. I not only want to get to know him, I forgive him. I forgive him because I love him. I love a man that I have never met, a man I’m not sure wants to see me.

“What would you tell him right now, December? What would you tell him if your father was sitting here in front of you?” Mrs. Ginger asks, her expensive pen gliding smoothly over the yellow pad on her lap.

I smile, though my eyes drip. They drip like a leaky faucet, so much that they don’t stop. I’m all waterworks. “Daddy, I forgive you. Come home.”

T
HE
P
RESENT

“This is really good,” I say, peeling the crispy skin off my fried chicken and dunking it in thick maple syrup.

“Heaven,” Josh agrees, piercing fries from my plate with the tines of his fork and adding it to his eggs on his plate.

Josh and I are at a little diner outside of town. The mint green and beige restaurant is off to the side of a gas station and directly across from the highway. We’re surrounded by truckers. It’s one in the morning. We couldn’t choose between ordering breakfast or dinner. So we got both. He ordered a cheddar and spinach omelet, waffles, and bacon. I got fired chicken and fries and we split our plates in half, sharing with each other.

“We have to leave a big tip,” I say into my mug. “This coffee is superb.”

He nods absently, stuffing waffles and chicken into his mouth. “Are you getting sober?”

“For the most part.”

“You love me, December?”

“Yes.”

He gives me a look on the edge of vague skepticism. “Or do you love that I love you?”

“I love you,” assure, picking up a strip of bacon form his plate. “I love that you love me too.”

He gives me a mournful smile. “Did you fuck him?”

“At the park?”

“Period,” he says unequivocally, his gaze sharp on mine.

Did I fuck Danny period?

I chomp down the morsel of bacon and nod, my gaze drifting to a booth ahead of ours. A younger woman in a frilly peach-colored dress is cuddled up to a severely gruff trucker with a long beard and red baseball cap lowered on his head. I wonder what their story is. Is she a hired hooker? Or did her older boyfriend who happens to look like a badass trucker take her to prom?

“December,” Josh says irritably, his patience thinning.

I wince and look back to him, wishing I hadn’t. Josh’s eyes are frantic as he forcefully works the muscles in his jaw. He has an intensely obsessive need to know all the hurtful things I don’t want to tell him, all the things that make me hate myself more and more. “Yes?”

He’s edgy now, emitting anxious energy that causes me to jitter and shift in my seat. “I know you…” he trails off and blows out a breath. He stops himself as if he’s trying to keep himself in check or from saying anything insulting. Josh grips his fork harder, his hand trembling. “Was it tonight? Tell me.”

Guilt heavy as stone sits on my chest when I look into his pained crystal blue eyes. It’s difficult to breathe. I don’t enjoy doing this to him. “No. It wasn’t tonight.”

He releases a pent-up breath, relieved somewhat. “Can you spend the weekend with me?”

“Yes, if that’s what you want.”

“It’s what I want,” he declares firmly like what I just said is ludicrous.

“I’m yours, then.” We’re both quietly eating, pondering things until I break the silence. “Do you think I act like a teenager?"

"Sometimes," he replies honestly.  “But it isn't a bad thing. I like the way you see the world.”

“How do I do it?”

“Do what?”

“Grow up? How do I become an adult?”

His gaze is steady on mine for a long moment. “The child inside you dies.”

“But I don't want to kill the child inside of me. The child inside of all of us so-called ‘adults’ represents hope and innocence. God, that's so fucked up that our beacon of light and purity has to die, Josh.”

He reaches for my hand across the table, giving it a squeeze. “You don't have to change anything about who you are. I love everything about you, December. Where is all this coming from?”

“Danny said I have the mentality of a sixteen year-old.”

Josh's expression is suddenly annoyed. “Well, fuck him.”

“I know, right? I said the same thing,” I agree, sighing in relief.

He looks concerned like there is something on his mind, then he mutters, “Figuratively, December. Not literally.”

“You're such a dick,” I groan, laughing. “It's a little too late for that.”

He laughs too. It's a somber laugh laced with regret. We're both quiet as we eat and pick over our plates in comfortable silence. Josh seems thoughtful, scrapping over his eggs. I don't know where his head is at, but I know where mine is.

I stare down at our hands. “Josh?”

He doesn't lift his eyes, too occupied with messing over his cold food. “Hmm?”

“Were you ever going to tell me about us?”

His gaze gradually rises to mine and he swallows loudly. “I wanted to, December. I didn't know how. The morning came and you didn't say anything. You didn't act any different. I figured you wanted to avoid the awkwardness of the entire situation or you didn't remember. I was soon aware that you didn't remember a single thing that we did.” He stares at me with those big blue eyes, his expression pleading. I already feel like I’m turning into goo from looking into his eyes for too long. “I was terrified, December. Scared out of my mind shitless. How the hell do I tell my best friend who I love that I went down on her? How do I tell her that the moment she forgot was the best moment of my life?”

“Josh—”

“No,” he protests angrily. ”Please don’t use that pitying tone with me. If anything you should be pissed, not feeling sorry for me. I was wrong not to say anything. And I'm sorry.”

“Apology accepted.” I bring our joined hands to my lips and kiss his knuckles. He kisses my fingers.

“I love you, December. You do know that, right?”

“I know,” I say, nodding. “I love you. Can we go back to your place and sleep? I'm dead tired.”

Josh and I arrive at his tiny one bedroom apartment. His apartment is bare, only a small kitchen, big bed, a black oversized couch, and a TV. He doesn’t even own a microwave. He has the basics and necessities. That's about it. He says he never really thought of this apartment as his home. I don't think home is just one place for him. I don't think home is any place for him. I think he finds home in people.

Josh leads the way to his bedroom effortlessly through the dark like he's walked this maze of furniture and corners and walls many, many nights. I fumble after him, leaving a trail of clothes behind me. I'm in my shirt and panties when we get to his room. There's enough light from the silvery moon beams filtering through the thin green drapes to make out his dresser. I swap my shirt for one of his. His T-shirts are longer, less productive than mine and I love the smell of him. I like wearing his tees to bed.

Josh sits on the edge of his mattress, unlacing his boots. He glances at me over his shoulder just as I pull his cotton white shirt over my bra. It falls down to my thighs. I pull my hair from under the shirt, combing my fingers through it. We stare at each other in the dimness. His gaze is direct as mine and unwavering. I wait. I’m curiously open to whatever he has to say.

“I'm not going to try anything tonight," he pledges solemnly. “You're still drunk, and I’m me. I don’t want you to feel awkward or freaked out around me.”

Nodding, I rock back on my heels. “Understood. And I do not feel awkward or freaked out around you.”

He gives me a gentle smile. “Good because I didn’t want to sleep on the couch. I like sharing a bed with you. I like sharing my bed with you.”

“Well, scoot,” I say, getting in next to him. “I'm a little drunk and I'm very tired. I've been on my feet all day. I just want to sleep now.”

Josh doesn't say much of anything as he undresses. He changes into his pajama pants and loose cotton shirt. My eyelids get heavy as I watch Josh move easily and silently around the room. I don't fight sleep when I begin to nod off.

Warm arms close tight around me. I snuggle closer and we hug each other. We both are comforted when we hold one another like this, as if we both need affection to keep from falling apart. This is the way we've fallen asleep whenever we’re cuddled and tangled with each other.

His fingers lightly stroke up and down my spine, lulling me into inevitable slumber.

“Josh?” I whisper, half out of it.

“Yeah?”

“Do you think I'm a leech?”

His fingertips draw tiny languid circles under my shirt and on my back. It feels good, warm and pleasant. “No.”

“Do you think I have a vendetta towards men because my father wasn't there for me?"

“I don't think you trust us very much. I believe you love men. I believe you want men to love you. You’re just wary around us. You’re cautious. You make sure we don’t get too close to cut too deep.”

I bury my face in his throat and inhale. He knows me well. Very well. “Do you know my greatest fear?”

He nods. “It's the same as mine: abandonment. You fear the one you love will vanish, will leave you for something or someone else, for someone better and the love of your life won’t think twice about you or care even a little bit that you loved them fully with everything inside of you. And that you did your best to love them how you would want to be loved and it still isn’t enough.”

“Oh my God, Josh.”

“I know,” he whispers into my hair, realizing the gravity of his confession. “We are alike in so many ways.”

“Do you think I'm fucking with your head?”

His fingers pause on the skin of my back briefly. “No. Not on purpose.”

“What do you mean?” I ask, absently pressing my face closer in his neck.

“We go back and forth a lot. We love each other, then despise each other. Then love each other again. I have never had a girlfriend before and you have never had a boyfriend. We haven't been in a real relationship. We are beginners. We are learning how to navigate through the complexities of how a relationship works. We just don’t know how a healthy relationship works between two people who love each other because we never let anyone except one another get close enough. Though we aren't in an official romantic relationship, I have the part of the incredibly jealous boyfriend down perfectly and you have the part of the infuriating girlfriend role down to an art form.  My mom left me. Your dad left you. We both have abandonment issues.” He buries his face in my hair, holding me firmer. “We both aren’t going to let each other go, no matter how much we bicker and fight. We aren’t going to give up on each other like our parents did. We love each other way too much.”

“I'm sorry,” I mumble.

He kisses my hair. “Me too.”

“I love you, Josh.”

“I love you more, December.”

He whispers something to me but it’s too low to hear. I don’t catch it. My eyelids close and I fall and plummet into dreams where Josh and I aren't hindered by anything.

***

The yellow sun is high in the sky when I rise, casting warm light on our skin. It is late afternoon. We slept through most of the day. I love when I wake before Josh because I get to watch him sleep. His longish golden locks rest splayed across his face. His fair lashes are thick and long. His lips are unbelievably red, as if he bit into a ripe cherry and it forever stained them.

I lean in and kiss each of his closed eyelids. I’ve been doing this a lot lately. I think I do it to replace the bad memories of his mom with good ones of me. It's like I’m trying to erase her one eyelid kiss at a time. No one should have a right to hurt him like that, not even his mother.

Josh’s eyes slowly flutter open. I reach up, lacing my hands in his soft waves and press our noses together. I love witnessing those sea blue irises come alive. It's a show all in itself. He blinks away the grogginess, smiling at me.

“Hey.”

“Hi. You know you’re way too pretty for a man. I was sitting here, trying not to take advantage.”

“You always have my permission.”

My fingers massage his scalp. He leans into my touch, groaning in pleasure. “Good to know.” Josh rests his head on my chest and lets me play in his hair until we both get our fill of each other.

We get breakfast after awhile. We’re both still in bed, wearing our pajamas and eating bowls of cornflakes. I asked him once why he never got the frosted kind, the kind that didn’t need sugar. He looked me in the eye and told me it’s his comfort food. Josh told me when his sister was forced to take care of them that she couldn’t afford the frosted kind of cereal. She would buy a huge box of cornflakes and cans of chicken noodle soup. They would survive off that for an entire week.

Knowing that about him, about Piper, makes my heart hurt. She is a strong woman. I can see her appeal. She’s smart, driven, beautiful, and loyal. She made sure her and Josh never got separated. She sacrificed her teenage years by working small jobs and paying rent for her and her brother. They grow up in poverty but Piper provided a roof over their heads and nourishment for their bellies. Piper always puts Josh first in everything she did and still does. She was his mother when they both needed one.

I sprinkle tons of sugar over the cereal now. My eyes water as I stuff a spoonful of cornflakes in my mouth.

“Why are you crying?”

“It's nothing.”