Deception (16 page)

“I understand there are plenty of women who chase
you
around town. It isn’t such a big sacrifice.”

Connor almost stepped back at the anger she saw in Clay’s face. She wished she could take back the sarcastic words, but it was too late.

“I don’t know who your informant is, but he or she is woefully out of touch with my personal life. Before I married Talla …” He broke off with an oath. “I’m sick of this town, sick to death of the rumors and gossip, the cruel and malicious lies. You stay out here in the country and even you’re infected with it.”

“I’m sorry, Clay. I had no right to say that.”

“No right, but plenty of provocation, I can see. Who’s been feeding you that garbage?”

Connor shrugged. Where had it come from? Richard, to some extent. Harlan. It seemed that everyone she talked to warned her of Clay’s sexual prowess. “Different people.”

“Richard Brian?” Clay guessed.

“In part.”

“Richard was no saint, but that was back in our younger days. When we were single and free. But we never lied to a girl. We never made false promises.”

“Clay, this is really none of my business. I should never have opened my mouth about any of this.” Connor felt panic rising in her. Why couldn’t she manage, just once, not to step into some type of emotional turmoil with Clay? “Your personal life is your business. Only yours.”

Clay walked toward her, reaching out a hand to touch the side of her face. “But it affects you, all this nasty gossip, all the lies and innuendo.” His fingers caressed her cheek. “I can feel you trembling.”

Connor locked her knees. She wanted to step forward into Clay’s arms. There was nothing in the world at that moment that she wanted more. Only her iron will kept her from moving. “I can’t get involved with you. Therefore your personal life is none of my business.” Her lips were tight and the words came through them stiffly.

Clay’s hands drifted to her shoulder, and then to her arm. His fingers tightened, and with controlled strength, he pulled her into his embrace. His arms locked around her, crushing her against him.

Unwilling to yield and unable to run, Connor felt the tears building behind her eyes. What was wrong with her? Disaster balanced on a thin wire. She lifted her head to receive his kiss.

Time collapsed, and Connor gave herself completely to Clay’s hands and lips. Desire washed over her, and she felt his own reaction pressed against her. From far away she heard the horses shift and the sharp call of a jay. But her senses were drowning in the smell and feel and taste of him. The sun warmed one side of her face, and Clay’s hands traced lightning streaks of pleasure across her skin as he slipped them inside her shirt.

When he lifted his head, breaking the kiss, Connor felt as if she were waking from a dream. His hands, spread across her back and ribs, held her up until she regained her sense of balance.

“Come with me,” Clay said, and his voice was thick with passion.

Still dazed from the kiss, Connor followed as he took her arm and walked toward the spring. Taking both her hands, Clay eased her to the ground. When she was seated, her back propped against the dogwood tree she’d earlier admired, he took a seat across from her.

“This is either the most foolish or the smartest thing I’ve ever done,” he said. “I want to make love to you more than anything I’ve ever wanted. I’d do it, except that I’m afraid you’ll take off like a hunted animal.”

Connor’s thoughts grew clearer as her passions slowly ebbed. She listened as Clay talked, and watched the play of emotions across his face. There was something in his eyes, some emotion that touched her deeply.

“I want to explain to you about Talla and the rumors. It’s going to sound like the oldest story in the world, and you’ll probably think it’s a convenient excuse for my behavior. But I want you to know, to hear it from me. Then whatever you decide will be an informed decision, not something made on gossip.”

Connor didn’t trust her voice, so she nodded. Clay was struggling. He looked down at the ground as he searched for the right words, and she had to quell her instinct to reach out and touch him. If she let her fingers caress his cheek, the fire would consume them both. And she wanted to hear what he had to stay. She had to hear it.

“I married Talla because it was the right thing to do. I was ambitious, and she was the right woman. At first, we were fond enough of each other. We both wanted children and a solid marriage. We both wanted to build something together. She was as ambitious as I, and so I thought it was a match that would work.” He looked up at Connor. “I thought we wanted the same thing. Telling it like this, it sounds cold and calculating, but all my life I’d been told what my parents expected of me. There were excuses for boyish misconduct, but it was always crystal-clear that when I became an adult, there would be no excuses, no exceptions. I would assume the role my parents had prepared me for. Part of that was a good marriage.”

Connor gripped her ankles as she listened. There was no shred of self-pity in Clay’s voice. Had there been, she might have been able to walk away and never look back. He wasn’t sorry for himself. He’d made a bargain and it had been a bad one.

“Anyway, after Danny’s birth, Talla got tired of playing the role. I worked too hard and too much. Talla got bored and decided to find ways to entertain herself. At first it bothered me.” The side of his mouth lifted in a self-deprecating smile. “The old male ego and all. But then I saw that it wasn’t really hurting the marriage. We didn’t have a marriage, we had a contract. And as long as she was discreet, it wouldn’t hurt our business arrangement. I honestly didn’t feel much of anything for her, so I didn’t care what she did.”

There were several things Connor started to say, but she held them back. It was Clay’s story. This was his time to tell it.

“I met a young woman, and I became involved with her. She was kind and generous and she worshipped me.” He reached across and picked up Connor’s hand. “It sounds so horrible, so weak of me, but I needed that. Talla had always been so withholding, of her affection, of her love, of her time. And this girl was the opposite. She showered me with her love. But I told her I’d never divorce Talla. Never. And when she began to press for that I stopped seeing her. She took it badly, but she was a very bright young woman who’d never had a lot of opportunity. I gave her money to go to college, to become a lawyer or whatever she wanted to be.”

“You bought her off?” Connor was surprised that she’d spoken.

“I couldn’t give her what she wanted. She’d been so generous to me, with her love and affection. But I didn’t love her, Connor. God help me, I didn’t. I cared about her, and I occasionally get a letter from her. She’s in California and she’s doing fine. She’s happy, from what I hear. I couldn’t give her what she wanted, but I tried to give her a future.”

“Does she still love you?”

“Her feelings have weakened. At least in her letters she talks about her life there, her friends, her classes.”

“And what about since Talla’s death? Isn’t she still interested in marrying you?”

“She’d already gone to the West Coast by the time that tragedy happened. She was in school, and she wanted to come back to Mobile, but I discouraged her. I told her the truth. I told her that we had no future.”

“Because she wasn’t from an old Mobile family?” Connor hated herself for saying it, but she had to know.

“I made that mistake once. No, If I’d loved her, I would have married her no matter what her background. She gave me something I desperately needed when I became involved with her. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t make myself love her as I should. She would have been devoted to me for the rest of our lives. But after years of marriage to Talla, I wanted to find someone who made me feel alive, challenged, a partner, not someone who fed my needs and ego.”

Connor took a deep breath while Clay continued. “To an outsider, like Richard, who probably heard about the whole thing from Talla, I know it sounded cruel. But it was never that way. I cared for her, as much as I could. And I was truthful with Talla about my involvement with Melanie. We weren’t sleeping together anymore, and it didn’t seem to matter to Talla.”

A terrible thought occurred to Connor. “Maybe it did matter. Maybe it mattered a whole lot.”

Clay nodded. “That’s been part of the gossip, too. I’m surprised you haven’t heard it before now. That Talla killed herself because of my infidelities.” He shook his head. “Hardly. I had to take a number and get in line to find ten minutes to talk with my wife. Once she decided to abandon the shackles of marriage, she kicked over the traces completely. Ask Jeff, if you need any confirmation.”

“You knew about Jeff?” Connor couldn’t believe it. “Yet you keep him on? Why?”

“He’s a good foreman, and he wasn’t Talla’s first or last. Why should I blame him for taking what she so freely offered? If it hadn’t been him, it would have been someone else.” Clay shrugged. “I didn’t love her, so I didn’t take it personally, as I said before. And the same was true of me: She didn’t care about Melanie. There was no connection between Talla’s suicide and my affair. None. And I have a completely clear conscience about that.” His blue eyes stared directly at her. “Completely clear.”

“Why did she kill herself?” Connor took a breath. “I confess, I’m asking for personal reasons, but also for Renata. I mean, when Mrs. Sumner killed herself, she abandoned that little girl. If I knew why she hanged herself, I thought maybe I’d better understand what your daughter has gone through.”

“Tallulah had a million secrets. She hid things, inconsequential things. What she planned to serve at a dinner party was always a secret. Her recipes were secrets. Her hairdresser, her seamstress. Where she bought her clothes and how much they cost.” Clay picked up a twig and tossed it into the still water of the spring. Ripples spread out in perfect circles from the place where the twig floated. “Her lovers were often very secret. Sometimes I stumbled on one, like Jeff, when it was right under my nose. To be honest, though, I have no idea who she was associating with or what she might have gotten involved in.”

“That’s pretty bleak.” Connor looked from the twig to Clay.

“Harlan heard rumors that she was involved in some kinky activities. She, uh,” he picked up a larger stick and drew a line in the dirt, “she liked certain activities that didn’t interest me. Sexual games, you might say. I didn’t enjoy sex like that, and we didn’t discuss it much.”

“I get the picture.”

Clay looked up at her. “She made me feel … inadequate in some way. As if I was too uptight, too traditional. As if that was a sin.”

“She liked it dangerous, and maybe she got involved with something she couldn’t handle. Is that what you’re telling me?”

“That’s one possibility. Tallulah had so many different areas of her life that she didn’t share with me, or with anyone. She was up and down a lot. Deep depressions that she wouldn’t talk about. Highs that lasted for days. I made her see a psychiatrist, but she said he gave her a clean bill of health.”

“No diagnosis?”

Clay shook his head. “I told the doctor whom Renata saw in New Orleans about Talla’s mood swings. He was very interested, but he could only speculate.”

Connor lifted her hand to brush a strand of hair from her eyes. Clay’s hand beat her to it. “I wanted you to know all this. I’ve seen other women since Talla’s death. Quite a few, if anyone’s keeping score. None seriously. And not a single one will tell you that I wasn’t straight with them from the beginning.”

Connor leaned back against the tree and tilted her head up. The leafless branches spread across the blue sky, as if the blue had cracked like old china. “I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through. And I appreciate what you’ve told me. I’ll think about it.”

“That’s all I can ask. Think about it, and understand that what I feel for you is different. Let’s ride back to the house. By the way, I hope you don’t mind that I borrowed your horse.”

“I told you before, use either one whenever you want. They need the work. And I’m going this weekend to see about a gelding for you. I’ve got a line on a really nice one, if he’s as good as he’s said to be.” Connor felt like she was swimming to shore after a long, arduous struggle in heavy surf.

“How big? How old?” Clay rose to his feet in one fluid, graceful movement.

“Sixteen-one, a chestnut with white stockings. Flashy. He’s five.”

“Old enough to be sensible, with a lot of room to develop.”

Connor smiled as she took Clay’s hand while he helped her to her feet. “My thoughts exactly.” She brushed off her pants and stuck her hand in her jacket pocket. Her fingers closed on the stock tie.

“Clay?”

“Yes?” He turned away from Tinker and smiled at her. “Need a leg up?”

“Hardly. Is this yours?” She pulled the tie from her pocket and held it out to him. “I found it in the woods, hanging from a tree limb.”

Clay took the material and turned it over. He studied the monogram a moment. “It’s mine. All my riding equipment is in the attic. I had it packed away before Talla died. She hated the horses fiercely and whenever I rode she went crazy with some kind of irrational rage. It was simpler to give up riding than it was to deal with her anger. It was as if she hated the horses because they were beautiful.”

“Why would someone take your tie out of the attic and bring it to the woods?”

“That’s a good question.” Clay folded up the tie and put it in his pocket. “I’ll ask Willene if Sally has been cleaning in the attic. Maybe she opened the trunk and decided to wash the clothes in there. Who knows what women do when they get on a cleaning binge?”

Connor frowned. “I felt like someone was watching me, Clay. It was an eerie feeling. As if they …” She looked up and checked the expression on his face. “Don’t you dare laugh at me, but it was as if they’d left that for
me.”

Clay didn’t laugh. “If it wasn’t Sally, then it had to be one of the children. They’re always poking into things. I told you Talla was very secretive, and Renata takes after her. She loves to hide things, and to poke around into other people’s possessions. She doesn’t steal, but she plunders. That’s one reason I gave you a key to lock your door and why there isn’t a spare key to your room lying around Oaklawn anywhere.”