Deep (6 page)

Filed Under "Realization"

Do you think I planned to fall in love?

"No," she whispered. Her mike was off. Deep wouldn't be able to hear her. "Neither did I."

Confession was great for the soul, even if it was only to herself. Saying the words aloud gave her a sense of completion.

"I love you, Deep. And not because you look like the man I've been dreaming of for the past two years. A man I dreamed of loving in my imagination. It's because you became that man. You took that image I programmed into you and made him real. You became that someone I've prayed for ever since I discovered what I wanted to do with my life. You're strong. You're intelligent. And you're caring.

Gentle. And the fact that my face doesn't frighten or disgust you."

She sniffed, silently cursing the fact that she couldn't wipe her eyes or blow her nose. "But, goddamn it, you're not real!

You're a fucking ship!"

Suddenly, the joke she'd made about her significant other being a ship wasn't funny any longer. In fact, it was sounding downright cruel.

Lawn gave the tether a hearty tug. She'd clipped it to the U connector just inside the airlock, next to the door. Once the outer seal opened up, she reached around the hull, found 75

another connecting point, and attached herself to it before disconnecting from the one inside.

As she floated over to the buoy, she glanced at the front of the ship where the viewscreen was located. The interior was empty, or at least it appeared that way. No telling how many ocular scopes Deep had trained on her, following her every move, every gesture.

He hadn't spoken to her since she'd stomped off the bridge. She sniffed and smiled.
Wonder how long this impasse
will last? Who will break first? Could Vogt ships pout? Hell,
why not? They could do practically everything else. Cook.

Argue. Pilot through hyperspace.

Make love?

She nearly missed grabbing the handle on the outer door.

Quickly, Lawn snapped a tether on the outside of the buoy.

Now she had two connections. Thank goodness the tethers were expandable.

Inside the buoy, she unhooked herself from the two lifelines. She was safe within the interior of the space module, and free to move about as she needed. The only thing she couldn't do was take off her helmet or suit, since the buoy had neither gravity nor atmosphere. The magnets in the soles of her boots kept her attached to the metal floor.

Once she re-established contact with the ship, she fed Deep the buoy's latest set of readouts. When the comm beeped to let her know transmission had ended, she hit her mike.

"Confirm transmission."

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This was business talk. It didn't count toward their tiff with each other.

"Transmission confirmed."

's reply was all business, without a hint of emotion.

Yet, the sound of it sent a little thrill through her. Worse, she could feel that familiar throbbing sensation return between her legs. She didn't need to dip her fingers down there to know she was creaming up a storm.

From the moment she had thought about Deep being able to make love to her, her body had gone on a separate mission to react every time he was near. Every time she heard his voice, her womb clenched, reminding her how long it had been since she'd had sex. Actual sex with a partner. Straight-on, no-holds-barred sex. Couplings which, in the past, had been frenetic and in the dark with partners who had vanished out the door, and in most cases never heard from or seen again.

She had never made love.

He can't love me.

No matter how many times she argued with herself, Lawn knew she was losing the battle. Deep had found the empty hole in her heart and he was filling it. Maybe he had found it by accident. Maybe he had discovered it was there after perusing her records, and searched for it. Either way, the moment Deep had told her he loved her, Lawn knew she was lost.

But he's not real!
Okay. It was an old argument, but it no longer held water. Not this time. Not anymore. Deep was as real as any human being, just...different.

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Lawn unconsciously raised a hand to her left cheek. The heavy glove banged against the plexiglass helmet.

"Lawn, what's the holdup? I'm waiting for those orbital projections, please." He was both concerned and peeved.

She groaned softly. That voice was going to be her undoing.

"Lawn, what's wrong?"

Shit!
She'd forgotten to shut off her microphone. "I...I think I'm getting a headache," she quickly lied. Well...almost.

She needed to massage the tension gathering in her forehead and behind her eyes. The tears had dried on her cheeks until her skin felt unusually tight.

"Orbital projections incoming."

"Copy that."

She continued to switch over the relays the way she had been drilled countless times. The boards had been exactly like this where she had trained at the Bureau. The only thing different was the voice giving her feedback over her mike.

Before long, Lawn found herself caught up in the familiar routine of the process. The whole thing took less than a couple of hours.

"Feeds complete. Returning to ship."

"Copy that, Lawn. All feeds processed and relayed to Earth. Be careful."

She got back to the Vogt without any problems. This time she took care to hang up her spacesuit, taking as much time as she could before having to return to the bridge. She managed a quick duck into her living quarters to wash her 78

face. When she felt more in control of herself, Lawn went topside.

There was a small dispenser on the foredeck where she could get a drink and a snack. After ordering up an orange juice, she went over to the main console and sat down as the lights came up. She could see her reflection in the shiny controls. The left side of her face glared back at her. Lawn grimaced. It wouldn't matter how old she was, she would never be able to consider herself a beautiful woman. She didn't care what Deep said. What would he know about beauty anyway?

A faint fuzziness appeared behind her in the mirrorlike surface. She remained glaring obstinately into her reflection.

"I know everything about you," his gentle voice said. "I know the Bureau specifically targeted loners for this program.

Those people who preferred their seclusion. Who had chosen to live in solitude, abandoning humanity because they felt they weren't accepted. Or good enough. Who believed they couldn't walk among what they thought of as normal people."

Lawn gritted her teeth. "What would you know about loneliness?" She wanted to say more, but she was afraid of saying too much, of being too hurtful. She had come to the point where she couldn't be that cruel to him. Argue, yes.

That was one thing. It was inevitable because of their environment and situation, not to mention their separate temperaments. But to be deliberately hurtful to an entity capable of feelings? Never.

Never ever to Deep.

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tilted his head. "I know more about loneliness than you realize. At least people accept you for being human. Try being an inanimate object and see how they treat you."

Swinging around in her seat, she stared at him. "Guess that makes us two of a kind, huh?"

"Maybe." He smiled as he approached her. He was within inches of her when he stopped and crouched down, bringing his face level with her knees. At that angle, she could see his wide shoulders. She could also see all the way through him to the deck.

"Someday I hope you'll realize I will never lie to you. To be perfectly blunt, this feeling is totally alien to me. If I say something wrong, I hope you'll forgive me."

"Will you allow me to correct you when you err?"

He made a face. Lawn felt the expression tug at her heart.

He looked both perplexed and at a loss for words.

"Err about what?"

"Well, for one thing, you called me beautiful."

His eyes immediately went to her hideous side. "You think you're not beautiful?" Warm hazel eyes locked back on hers.

"There's more to beauty than outward appearance, Lawn."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard that before. I've heard it all my life. But you try walking down a street and see how many people find you beautiful."

"So you think you've found an answer for being a loner by joining the Bureau and enlisting in Galactic Enforcement?"

She shrugged. "Hey, it worked, didn't it?"

His nearness was doing strange things to her body. It was like she could almost feel warmth coming off of his 80

diaphanous image. What was worse was the physical reaction she was having to his presence. A ball of heat was forming between her thighs, making her wet with desire. She pressed her knees together and grasped her drink with both hands to hide her trembling.

gave her a questioning look. "What's wrong, Lawn?"

"What do you mean?"

"Your heart rate is accelerating. Your skin is becoming flushed—"

Lawn launched out of her seat, passing straight through him as she walked stiffly over to the dispenser to drop her beverage container into the incinerator pocket in the wall.

Taking a couple of deep breaths, she turned around to face him, hoping that by putting some distance between them, she could think more clearly. He was gone.

reappeared less than a yard in front of her. He looked fearful. "Are you afraid of me, Lawn?"

She started to bluff, making a rude sound to dismiss his question, when she stopped. They were supposed to be partners, damn it. She was supposed to watch his back as closely as he watched hers. For the next year, it would be just him...and her.

And he loved her. Just as much as she loved him. Or maybe not as much.

It was so damn confusing!

"Fuck this, Deep! I don't know what to do or what to say!"

Tears gathered at the edge of her lashes. She angrily wiped them with the back of her hand and sniffed.

"Because no one has ever told you they loved you?"

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He took a step closer, but in no way did she feel trapped or intimidated. Just the opposite. She wanted him to literally step inside her and become one with her, physically and emotionally.

She felt her lips trembling as she tried to smile. "All my life, the best I could hope for was a smile as people gave me a wide berth."

A smile. Like the smile that man had given her. The man at the fountain. The man whom she'd made Deep resemble.

"For me, it's been the exact opposite," Deep said.

"How?"

He shrugged slightly. "People look at you and form an opinion of you before getting to know you, if they choose to get to know you. Me, people already know what they want to think before they even see me. Beliefs are much like concrete. Impossible to remold once it's set."

He was close enough to touch, if the possibility had been there. Lawn blinked. He was breathing. He was breathing?

"You breathe?"

Again, there was that wonderful smile. "I simulate a lot of motions and actions, to keep the fantasy alive that I'm real.

Like breathing. Everything you see me do was preprogrammed into my appearance."

"But you're not solid."

"No. I wish I was. I wish to God I was," he confessed in a whisper.

"I wish I could put my arms around you."

Lawn felt her shock rush through her. She hadn't meant to say that aloud. Being around him was beginning to affect her 82

defenses. She was starting to slip and make mistakes. Lawn watched for his reaction.

studied her for a long moment. "Actually...there is a way. Close your eyes, Lawn."

"What?"

"Close your eyes," he repeated with a bit more firmness.

She closed them and waited. Expectant. Trembling. She was unaware she was holding her breath until the tenderest of caresses stroked her ugly cheek. Involuntarily, her hand flew up to stop him when something caught her fingers and slowly lowered them, straightening her arm down by her side.

"Don't stop me, Lawn. Don't try to stop me." His voice rumbled in her ear, sending shivers through her. Her feet felt like they had melted and adhered to the floor.

"Don't stop me from loving you," Deep murmured.

He continued to touch her face, outlining the whole area encompassing the ravages of that side of her face. Tucking a length of hair behind her ear. Brushing the edge of her mouth. Tickling the corner of her eye.

"What I wouldn't give to kiss you. To be able to feel your lips. Feel their warmth and soft texture. Their taste. What do you taste like, Lawn? Are you sweet like the juice you just drank?"

He was seducing her. Loving her in the only way he could.

In the back of her mind, Lawn knew it was those mechanical arms with their finger extensions that were touching her. But he was right. By closing her eyes, she could dream. Imagine.

Believe.

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"Can you really feel me?" she whispered. A finger glided across her lips with the softest of swipes. She resisted the urge to kiss it.