Deep Blue Hold (Deep Blue Series) (10 page)

I don’
t think about Ian or the letter. All I can picture is the grave stone with my tiny helpless son lying forever next to my mother. That, that piece of shit asshole said we should be thanking him for what he did. I get angry, angrier than I have ever been.  The bottoms of my feet are getting sore. They feel shredded from my bare skin pounding against the rough concrete. I welcome the pain. The pain is making me forget.

I had spent so many years pushing the anger away, so many years blocking out everything
, and now it is all coming out of me.  I run and run and reach the end of sidewalk. So I start running on the road. As fast as I can, I run.  Cars rush by me, I barely notice them. They honk since I am running in the middle of the road. I ignore them and they swerve around me. 

I run until my body
won’t allow me to run any more. I fall on a grassy patch and see clouds moving slowly across the sky.  No tears are falling, and no air enters my lungs as the world closes around me like a tunnel and the blackness over takes me.

Chapter 12

Ian

“So first I need someone to go to Portland. I need everyone in the cemetery questioned.  I want all security footage pulled to see if we can at least find out what kind of car he is driving.” I bark orders to Dean, he nods his understanding. I'm usually not this harsh with my employees, but Goddamn if I'm going to let this fucker get away with this.

I look around the room for Aubrey for the first time since I was watching her read this horrible letter.  I don’t know what to do for her emotionally at this second
, because I need to get my team on this.  Instantly I realize she is gone and look up at Sam.

“She went to the bathroom.”
Michelle answers my unasked question. "She probably just needed a few minutes alone." I assume she's telling me the truth, so I go back to the task at hand.  Michelle is the best in the business. We've been working together since an undercover mission we were assigned in Egypt.  Undercover as husband and wife, we played the part to the fullest.  We did have chemistry, but when the dust had settled, the chemistry on my part was gone. I chalked it up to the whole you will die if you get caught thing.  Adrenaline like that does things to one’s mind and body. 

Michelle
, on the other hand, still felt the connection, and even though I knew she had those feelings, we had agreed to put them aside.  I wanted her working for me after she got out of the Special Forces, and never once has our time in Egypt been brought up.  She was professional and very good at her job.  As far as I know, the feelings are long gone. I know she is dating someone, though I’ve never met him.

After about thirty minutes
, Aubrey hadn’t returned so I went to look for her. “I’m sure she is just trying to compose herself, Ian.” Michelle had yelled after me, but I still wanted to make sure she was okay.  I had Tae go in the ladies room to check, but she came out a few seconds later saying it was empty.

“Did you see her leave?”
I asked Tae and she shakes her head no.  I run to my office looking there, nothing.  “Sam, I can’t find Aubrey!” I yell opening the conference room door, starting to panic now.

“All right mate, calm down.  Did she leave the building?”
He asks Tae.

“I didn’t see her
, but I was away from my desk for a little while about 45 minutes ago,” she answers. 

“Check the security tapes!
” I order Dean who pulls up his laptop.  He has 45 minutes ago playing on the screen, and there’s Aubrey, leaving the building.  My heart stops.  How could I have not seen her leave the room?

“Which way did she go?”
I yell and he pulls up the outside camera.  It shows her walking east. “Where's she going?”
Where the hell is she going, why would she just leave?

“I’m sure she is just clearing her head.
She’ll be back soon.” I hear Michelle say behind me. I’m sure she’s right, but I’m not taking any chances.  I run out the door to my car and when I start the engine Sam is climbing in the passenger seat. 

“Why would she just take off like that?”
I yell as I drive in the direction she went.

“Ian, I’m no genius
, but you were more into Michelle in that room than you were your girlfriend,” Sam says bluntly.

“What the hell are you talking
about?” I shout at Sam. I notice we have gone three miles already when I see something white on the side of the road.  Pulling over I see it's her sandal’s, the ones she was wearing today.  “Fuck,” I yell, “Fuck, where are you, baby?” I keep driving.

“I know you don’t see it
because you are a dense oblivious mother fucker, but when you and Michelle are together it is like no one else is in the room,” Sam says and all I can do is give him a look of confusion as I speed down the road.

“I get it because I know what it is like to be in the field, but you guys played married couple for over a year
, and well, sometimes it looks like you’re still playing it.”

“Are you smoking crack?
”  I shout at his stupidity.

“I know there
is nothing on your end mate.  Michelle is in love with you, everyone sees it.  I am sure to someone like Aubrey in her vulnerable state, it looked really bad.  She needed your comfort, not to see you and Michelle speak in your coded language huddled together.”

"What the hell
, Sam, what are you saying?" I'm insane with anger. 
Michelle's in love with me? Coded language?
 

What the in the world, damn
! We’ve gone ten miles now, and I'm just about to turn around to start down another road when I see her.  She's lying in the middle of nowhere in the grass, right by the road, passed out.  How did she get 10 miles away in less than an hour?  I pull the car over slamming on the brakes and run to my girl.  The first thing I check is her breathing.  She is, but it's very labored breathing, and her skin is tacky, like she is dehydrated.  The bottoms of her feet are caked in blood and dirt. No way did she run all this way in that short of a time.  I look up at Sam and his eyes say it all, that he was right.

I failed my girl, without even reali
zing it I failed to protect her. Here she is passed out from exhaustion, feet bleeding from running so hard and so fast away from me. Was there truth to what Sam was saying?  If there was, did Aubrey think that Michelle was more important to me than her, especially after reading that horrible letter and seeing her son’s gravestone?  I didn’t comfort her, I didn’t tell her I love her, and that I was going to take care of it.  I talked to Michelle, because that is what I knew to do to take control of the situation. 

I scoop my girl into my arms and I crawl in the back seat with her
. I hold her limp body in my arms as Sam drives to the hospital. I know I will do anything, anything in my power to prove to her that she is the reason my heart beats. That she is the reason I am on this earth, and hope and pray that she still loves me.

The doctor tells us that between shock, exhaustion
, and getting overheated, she became severely dehydrated in a short time which threw her body into a kind of protective shut down state.  He assures me that she will be fine after some rest and a few dozen IV bags of fluid. 

Miry and Sam are in the room with me as we wait for Aubrey to wake
up.  She’s been out for almost eight hours now.  Her feet will be sore for a while.  They suffered many cuts and abrasions.  After they cleaned all the dirt off of them they looked like shredded meat.  The realization that she was so upset that she would run for ten miles with bare feet, be in that kind of pain and not care, is not an easy one to swallow.

“
It was shock. You of all people know what your body can do when it is in shock and the adrenaline starts pumping.”  Sam tries to comfort me.  It's not working, because the guilt I feel is so overwhelming I don’t know what to do with myself. 

I hear the door open behind us and turn to see Michelle standing in the doorway
.  I stand and turn to her, suddenly very aware what the years of training would have me do. I would usually go to her, talk in low voices about the situation at hand. I don’t. We are not in the field, and our lives do not depend on our cover.  I sense that Michelle doesn’t like that I'm not instantly by her side. She moves awkwardly into the room.

“How is she doing?”
She asks in a low voice that I am used to, so low that I almost have to read her lips to make out what she is saying. 
It hits me like a fucking light bulb is smashed into my head
.  That is how it always is with us. That’s how we have always communicated, and that is what made us such a good undercover team. 

“She’s fine
, she just needs her rest.” I tell her making sure that I speak loud enough that everyone can hear me.  I see her watch my lips and turn to Sam who looks away knowingly. However Miry gives Michelle a look, a look of stay away from him.  “I don’t think right now is a good time for visitors.” I tell Michelle, she nods and says she will talk to me later in that same low voice. 
Shit, I am a dense oblivious mother fucker
.

“I put up with it before, well
, because you didn’t have anybody.  Now, Ian Brady, I swear to God you need to reel that in, and fast, because you WILL lose Aubrey over that woman.” Miry blurts out and I look at her dumbfounded.

"Easy, baby,
" Sam says to Miry, who has her arms crossed over her chest and is fuming.

"I didn't know
."  Apparently I was the only one who didn't know, and for
Christ sake, why didn't they tell me
. I go to Aubrey, laying in the bed so beautiful and pale. I press my lips to her forehead and stay like that for what seems like hours.  Whispering over and over, I love you baby, I'm so sorry.

Chapter 13

Aubrey

It feels like a hangover again.  My head is pounding like one anyway.  It is dark, but I hear breathing, and a slow steady beep.  I move my head and see Ian's head laying on the bed beside me, his hand wrapped around mine. 

"Ian
," I say, but hardly recognize my own voice. It is harsh and scratchy, and feels that way also.  I look around, and when I move my arm, I feel something move with it.  I see the tube taped to my arm and follow it up to the IV drip that is by the bed.  I'm in the hospital.  Then it all comes back to me; the letter, the picture, and Ian with Michelle. 

I put my hand on to
p of Ian's head rubbing lightly until he stirs. When he wakes, he glances up at me his deep blues are dark, tired, and worried.  He has bags under his eyes, and he looks like he's had one hard day.

"Aubrey
, baby," he wakes fully. He is up kissing me all over my face before he grabs my face with his hands and stares into my eyes.  "I love you, I love you so much.  God, I am so glad to see those beautiful green eyes, baby."  He is smothering my face with kisses again and I finally have to push on his chest to let me up for air.

"What hap
pened, why am I in the hospital?"  I remember running, and I remember stopping, but I don't remember coming here.

"You had
a heat stroke and exhaustion, shock, and you were dehydrated." He rambles off all my symptoms, looking down at me with so much worry.

I suddenly realize I have to pee
, and I have to pee bad.  I go to get up and Ian stops me.  "Where are you going?"  He asks me like I am going to be running out to the hospital. 

"I have to use the
bathroom." I tell him standing, only to feel sharp needles go straight through my feet. I sit back down immediately to look at my feet and turn my ankles to see the bottoms. There are bandages all over them.  I remember now, the running barefoot on concrete and gravel.  I remember the pain that at the time felt good. 

I'm up in the air in a second
, Ian motions for me to grab the IV pole. He carries me into the bathroom where he sets me on the toilet. 
Yeah this isn't embarrassing at all
.  I sit there, just now noticing that I have on no panties, only the very stylish hospital gown that opens in the back.  Ian stands there staring at me, and I look up at him. 

"Can I have a minute?"
I motion toward the door for him to give me some privacy.  Some things just don't need to be shared.  He hesitantly goes out the door, and shuts it leaving it open a crack.

After I take care of my business, I wipe and notice no blood.  It's weird that
my period only lasted a day, it was very light.  I figured it would start again.  It did that sometimes, but still a day and half later it hasn't. 

"Are you done?"
Ian asks anxiously poking his head in, and I tell him to give me one more second.  I stand and bear the pain. Stepping on the sides of my feet I wash my hands.  I don't tell Ian he can come in, but he does, and before I can even dry my hands I am up in his strong arms again.