Deep Surrendering (7 page)

I texted Chloe, but she was stuck at work, and Sloane was busy. I didn’t really want to see Rory because she was bound to ask questions about Fin, and I didn’t really want to deal with that yet.

I had two options. Dine alone or break that little promise I’d made to myself mere hours ago to play hard to get. To give us some space. I didn’t want to be one of those girls who just caved for a man. No way. I’d dined alone thousands of times and I could do it again. Yes I could.

To prove that I could do it, I took a cab home and went straight to my fridge to cook myself some dinner. Dinner for one. Just me. No one else.

I still had the lilacs on my counter. They’d had significance for me before I met Fin, and they would after whatever this was ended. Lilacs were mine. I shouldn’t have told him those were my favorite flowers. Ah, well. Couldn’t do anything about it now.

I put together a quick chicken Caesar salad with some chopped fruit and a glass of wine.

I turned on the television and found a marathon of
Parks and Recreation
. Perfect. Leslie Knope was a strong, independent woman for me to emulate. She’d stand her ground against a sexy man.

I inhaled my salad and finished my wine, and decided it was a dessert night, so I pulled out a mini cheesecake from the freezer and let it thaw.

While I was waiting, I pulled out my phone and started spinning it on the counter. I wasn’t normally this bad about being by myself.

My phone buzzed with a new message, dancing away from my hands. I picked it up and saw that it was a message from Fin.

Could you give me a ballpark of when I can see you again?

I bit my lip to stop myself from smiling. I shouldn’t be smiling. I should be mad at him for contacting me when I said I would let him know. Mad. I should be mad.

You really are going for stalker status.

There. Let him make something of that.

I can’t help it if I want to see you.

Yes, he could. He could very well help it. Who was in charge here?

What happened to taking it slow? ME telling YOU when we we’d see each other again?

There was a long pause and I chewed on my thumbnail as I waited.

I’m impatient.

I rolled my eyes and decided to just call him.

“You know, you’re not doing anything to help build your case for getting to see me again,” I said by way of a greeting.

“Says who? I’m talking to you, aren’t I? You responded to my texts, didn’t you?” I almost wished he was here so I could smack the smirk I knew was on his face right off it.

“That doesn’t mean I’m not going to change my number and never call you again.”

“I know where you live.”

“I’ll move.” I was totally bluffing and we both knew that, but at least he was enough of a gentleman to not point it out.

“Can I see you tomorrow?”

“I have class. And I have to work.” I worked a few hours a week selling candles and other scented items at parties. It was fun and I made enough money at it (supplemented by my student loans) to get by. I wished I could work more at a regular job, but even finding something part time that I could work around school was nearly impossible. I’d thought about bartending, but wasn’t sure if I wanted to deal with that on top of everything else.

“So? There are plenty of hours in the day where I’m sure you’re free. I can meet you.”

“Don’t
you
have a job?” I was beginning to wonder if Fin’s job was just imaginary or if it was just easy, because he seemed to be able to leave whenever he wanted to come stalk me.

“So?”

I sighed in frustration. “I think I can squeeze you in tomorrow. I’ll text you for sure. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Marisol. Until tomorrow.” I hung up and stared at my phone. What had just happened?

I shook my head at myself and went to get my now-defrosted cheesecake. I told myself I was only going to eat half, but I ended up eating the whole thing, cursing Fin the entire time.

I needed more willpower. I shouldn’t have picked up the phone to call him. His voice did things to my insides and broke down any resistance I might have had.

He was being pushy, and I would have told anyone else in my position to tell him to back the hell off. But I was me and I didn’t want to tell him to back off. I wanted to see him just as much as he wanted to see me. It wasn’t a crime to want to hang out with someone.

Things that would make your skin crawl.

The words ran through my head over and over as I snuggled into bed that night. I was a fitful sleeper, so one essential was a king-sized bed. It barely fit in my bedroom, but somehow the movers had wedged it in. It was more than enough bed for two people, but no one else had ever slept in it with me. Even when I’d had boyfriends, I’d always stayed at their place. I hadn’t wanted to “show them mine” when they’d asked to come to my apartment. Fin was actually the first one.

Fin. I rolled over onto my stomach and buried my face in one of my pillows. I was all twisted up inside, and I didn’t know what to do about it.

This wasn’t one of those things I could go to my friends about. I had to put on my big girl panties and figure this one out on my own.

I slept poorly for the second night in a row and woke up at a level of grumpy that not even two cups of coffee could fix. I was late getting out of the shower, which made me late for class, which made my professor grumpy, since it was a small class and I’d interrupted his lecture with my entrance.

Then I spilled my third cup of coffee in my purse and it was all downhill from there.

I’d said I was going to text Fin, but I didn’t really want him to see me like this. My hair was a mess thanks to my short time getting ready, my purse smelled like coffee, and there were splatters all over my skirt.

I was a trainwreck.

Today’s not good for me. Raincheck?

I hoped he wouldn’t be pissed.

Are you okay? Do you need anything?

His response surprised me. What I really needed was a do-over, and unless he knew some form of time travel, then he was out of luck.

No, but thank you. Until tomorrow?

I crossed my fingers as I wanted for his response.

Until tomorrow.

The day just got worse, and by the time I was heading home (an hour later than I intended due to an unexpected trip to the library, and the fact that a woman at the candle party couldn’t decide between Ocean Breeze and Mango Mambo candles), I was so done with Tuesday.

My phone rang and I checked to see who it was before I answered.

“Hey, Chloe. I’ve had the most terrible, awful day. Please tell me you’re out of work so you can un-suck this day.” I heard subway noise in the background.

“As a matter of fact, I’m on my way to your place. I, too, have had a shitty day and I need my BFF. See you in ten minutes?”

“Absolutely.”

I dashed home, tore off my coffee-stained clothes, and put on a pair of yoga pants and a baggy t-shirt. It was my loungewear. I pulled my hair off my neck and into a messy bun, and wiped off my makeup.

Much better.

There was a knock at the door and I bounced to answer it.

“I hope you brought something—" I started to say, but it wasn’t Chloe on the other side of the door.

It was Fin.

“You’re not Chloe,” I said, stating the obvious.

“I could if you wanted me to be,” he said, his hands in his pockets. He’d obviously just come from the office, complete with crisp purple white-collared shirt, slate gray tie, and black jacket. There was something so seductive about a man in a suit. It was almost better than a man being naked. I said
almost
.

I sputtered and tried to think of something to say, but then I realized what I was wearing. The absolute
last
thing you would want the guy you’d just met and were interested in to see you dressed in. This was Frump Wear at its finest.

“What are you doing here?” I crossed my arms over my chest to distract him from my bralessness.

“I wanted to see you, and bring you this.” He pulled something out of his pocket with a flourish.

It was a rubber duck. An actual rubber duck. Only this rubber duck had little purple flowers all over it that kind of looked like lilacs. As far as presents went, it was sweet and cute and reminiscent of our first date.

It was perfect.

He held the duck out on his palm with a boyish smile and my heart started fluttering. How was it that this guy, this guy who gave me a rubber duck, could be the same guy who said he’d done things that would make me sick? Maybe he had an evil twin.

“It’s a stupid gift. I’m sorry,” he said, trying to cram the duck back in his pocket, but I snatched it before he could.

“No, it’s not a stupid gift.” I was about to say something else, but I was interrupted by the arrival of Chloe.

“Well, hello. Am I interrupting something? Do I need to interrupt something?” She held up a bottle of wine, and I congratulated myself on my choice of best friend.

“No, you’re not interrupting anything. I was just…dropping by,” Fin said, taking a step backwards as if he was about to bolt.

“Don’t leave on my account. If you two need to work something out, then I can make myself scarce. I’m not alone. I have my ten-dollar bottle of wine to keep me company. Carry on.” She winked at me and also started to back away.

Were both of them going to leave me?

“No, don’t go.” They both stopped and then looked at each other. Now it was up to me. Great. I could bail on my best friend or I could bail on the adorable guy who’d given me a rubber ducky.

“Look, I see how this is going. Dicks before chicks. I knew this day would come with you, and I’m okay with it. Really. I can call Sloane. Have a good time.” Chloe backed away even more, and I didn’t know what to say.

“No, no. I wouldn’t dream of usurping a BFF,” Fin said, shaking his head. I wondered if he really thought that or if he was trying to impress Chloe.

She stared at him for a while. “Nicely done. I hope you’re being legit and you’re not just saying that because you’re trying to butter me up.” I almost snorted at the symbiosis of our thinking.

Fin pretended to be scandalized. “I would never lie to the best friend of the woman I’m courting.” Courting. It sounded so old-fashioned and delightful at the same time. Any moment he was going to ask if we could go steady.

Chloe scoffed, but held up the bottle of wine.

“We could have a threesome.” I wished I could give her a kick in the leg, but she was too far away.

“The more the merrier,” Fin said, and they both pushed past me and entered my apartment.

Okay. So we were having a threesome.

“So,” Chloe said, pouring Fin a glass of wine as he shucked off his jacket and leaned against the counter like he had nowhere else to be. “What are your intentions with my friend?” She pushed the glass toward him and he took it gingerly, as if it was about to explode.

I sipped at my own glass, wondering why this was happening right at this moment after the crappy day I had. Was I being punished?