Definitely, Maybe in Love (27 page)

As I sat in the dark living room, watching shadows on the walls, it was almost too easy, too
obvious
to realize I was in love with him, and probably had been for a very long time. Being in love felt different than I thought it would. I wasn’t giving up a part of me or sacrificing what I thought I was in order to love him. I’d gained, I’d unfolded…evolved.

This made me smile; in fact, I almost laughed, but my smile broke when I realized there would be no more study sessions at the library, no more vacation trips to Washington, and no more surprise run-ins at his family’s house.

Was there anything left?

Chapter 36

“Dart said Henry went back home,” Julia relayed. She had most of her color back. Two solid days spent reuniting with the man she loved could do that. We were in her bedroom, she was on the floor inside her closet, reorganizing shoes.

“Oakland?” I asked, lifting my head off her pillow.

“First there, I think, then Montana,” she answered.

Well, at least she hadn’t said Tahiti. But still, the fact that he could’ve been in Oakland, so close, and still no phone call, made my heart feel like it was being crushed like a Styrofoam cup.

“So…do you know if he’s coming back to school? Classes start in two months.”

“I don’t know,” Julia admitted. “Dart moved back into the house across the street this morning, but I don’t know about Henry. I’m not sure Dart does, either.”

I was well acquainted with Henry’s guarded form of communicating. I wasn’t surprised that he hadn’t told Julia his plans while they were driving back from Monterey. In all those hours he and I were together at the ranch, I hadn’t once asked him if he was returning to Stanford. I hadn’t broached the subject of where he’d disappeared to after that last night at the library. For whatever reason, those didn’t seem important at the time. They seemed very important now.

“Huh,” I replied breezily, trying to blow off this information. But Julia was watching me, and I was positive she could read my eyes. I laid back and covered my face with an arm.

I don’t know when I’ll see you again.
His words rang in my ears.

“Have you called him?” she asked.

I nodded, my throat feeling tight. “I haven’t been able to get ahold of him since last spring. He was supposed to give me his new number, but I left the ranch in such a hurry…” I forced my shoulders up into a shrug then let them drop. “So whatever. If he calls, he calls.”

“Uh-huh.” Skepticism wrapped around Julia’s tone.

I sat up and pushed my hair back. “I’ve been thinking about it, and I decided the whole thing was too sappy. Love and boyfriends and everything.
So
not me, right?” I forced myself to laugh in the sarcastic manner that used to get me through uncomfortable moments. This time, though, it sounded unnatural, and felt even worse.

“I don’t care what you say, Spring. Every girl wants someone to be sweet to her.” She sat on the bed next to me. “Even cynics like you.”

I knew she was trying to help, but her comment made my chest feel hollow and achy. A short time ago, I didn’t know how to love, but now I didn’t know how to do without love.

“You’re fighting against your feelings, honey,” she added. “I know how exhausting that can be. So stop fighting and let it flow.”

“Flow?” I echoed, giving her my famous flat eyes.

She lifted a smile and walked toward the door. “Yes. Go with the flow.” Just as she was about to leave, she turned back. “Do you want to hang out with us tonight?”

“Thanks, but I don’t think so.” Honestly, the thought of being around a happy couple was enough to make me cry.

Julia nodded and opened the door.

“Bunny,” I called, stopping her. “If I haven’t told you, I’m really happy Dart’s back and that you’re, you know, okay.”

“Me too.” She folded her arms and leaned against the doorframe. “I made mistakes, but I understand everything that happened now.”

I swallowed. “You do?”

She nodded slowly.

“Jules, I didn’t know how to tell you what I knew. I’m so—”

“It wasn’t Henry’s fault,” she cut in. “Not really.” She looked to the side and exhaled. “Mistakes,” she murmured to herself. “I made some, so did Dart. We all do. But now, it’s almost like we’re better than before because of it.” She gazed off for a moment. “Every second we’re together, I appreciate him more and more. All that time apart, all that wasted time. I’ll never be shy about my feelings again. Life’s too short, too precious not to love whenever we can.” She bit her lip, blinking back tears. “I learned that the hard way.”

“Yeah,” I managed to choke out, and then watched her leave the room.

Later that evening, I sat alone on my bed. The sun had set hours ago, but I hadn’t moved from my room since Julia left. Downstairs, Anabel was hosting an intimate party for twenty. I bowed out with the excuse about needing to write my congressman.

My room was dim and cool, the only light coming from the streetlamp outside my open window as sounds from the sidewalks below drifted up. The moon was high and Stanford’s summer populace was alive and ripe.

My fingers clasped behind my head and I stared up at the ceiling. Thinking. Trying
not
to think. The night grew darker as evening progressed. When I rolled over, my gaze moved naturally to the open window. Just knowing his house, his empty bedroom, was across the street crushed my Styrofoam heart anew. I quadruple-checked the ringer on my phone. Never before had I experienced such a lack of control over my thoughts.

Spring, I don’t know when I’ll see you again.

The intellectual part of me had no desire to keep mulling over the possible meaning of Henry’s last statement, so I forced it out. But with no other occupation, my thoughts did wander around the memory of the sound of his laugh…how we’d laughed together, how I admired his mind, loved his music, how he’d kissed my braid—one of the sweet ways he showed his acceptance and respect. The way he pushed my buttons just to make me laugh at my own reaction. How he dealt with me and handled me and let me go it alone, yet never took my crap.

The way he truly was so very good.

With my eyes closed, I imagined us in some future setting…whispering in the dark, sharing a pillow, asking how the other slept.

I drifted to the window and knelt down, resting my elbows and chin on the sill. The cool night air felt nice. “He’ll be back,” I whispered. “I know he’ll be back.” Just saying the words aloud made me feel slightly better, as if my faith in us was enough. He’d had faith in us for all those months, and now it was my turn.

I listened to the happy hums of the world below. As the breeze picked up and knocked the blinds against the side of the window, I opened my eyes, their gaze idly drifting across the street.

What they landed on made my blood stop cold. I blinked, sharpening my focus.

Parked crooked in his driveway was…

My Subaru.

I sprung out the third-story window, sliding down the ladder as fast as I could.

Twelve more steps
, I counted, my fingers gripping around the rope handle.
Eight more
. My heart pounded behind my ears. In my haste, I did notice that no lights were on in his house, not even the bedroom on the second floor where he might be.
I’ll be there three seconds sooner if I jump…

“Don’t!”

From directly below, I heard the warning shout, but it was abruptly cut short as I plummeted toward the ground. We collided mid-air, tumbling onto the lawn in a heap. Mine would’ve been a perfect ten-point landing had the intruder’s body not been blocking my way. Instead, I lay on my side, dazed and spitting out grass.

“Whoever you are,” I wheezed once my body regained its equilibrium, “I don’t have time to explain the theory of private property or breaking and entering.”

The prowler was behind me on hands and knees, quietly gasping in the shadows. I knew I’d probably knocked the wind out of him, and deservedly so! I didn’t have time to worry about him, my only thought was to make it through that door across the street and up those stairs.

“I won’t call the cops this time,” I added, rolling onto my knees. “But you should know I sleep with a wrench under my pillow.”

“Feels like you used it on me.”

I wheeled around to find Henry rubbing his forehead.

“Are your shoes made of cement, woman?”

“Knightly?” My eyes strained, pulling in every bit of light from the streetlamp.

“I saw you at the window.” He crawled over, a hand still at his forehead.

“Did I hurt you?” I asked, only half feeling the pain shooting from my own right shoulder.

“It’s nothing.” One side of his face was matted with grass and dirt. “Where are you off to in such a hurry?”

“I saw my car and…”

He angled his chin to the light. To say the sight was soul-shaking might be a dramatic stretch, but that’s how I felt as our eyes met in the dark.

“How long have you been back?” I asked, silently praying he wouldn’t inform me that he’d been around for days and was just now finding the time to pop in and say hello.

“Exactly”—he squinted at his watch—“one minute and twenty seconds.” His face was tired and a little weathered, his clothes and hair uncharacteristically disheveled. He noticed my wondering stare. “I left home seventeen hours ago,” he explained, smoothing out his collar.

“Oakland?”

“No,” he replied, looking a little confused at my assumption. “The ranch. I flew back right after dropping off Julia and Dart, then drove back here in your car.” He was brushing grass from the knees of his pants. “You need to have your tires rotated. I would’ve done that along the way, but I know how you are about accepting unrequested favors.”

I think I was nodding, but only half listening to his small talk. There were a few things I needed to say, because, like my sweet roommate had said, life was too short to wait.

“Henry.” I jumped in before his voice had time to fade out. “Julia told me what you did for her.”

His brow furrowed, playing confused.

“Thank you. I know it must’ve been…unpleasant.” I exhaled a dark laugh. Obviously
unpleasant
was an understatement.

“You don’t have to—”

“Please. I need to say this.”

The lines in his forehead disappeared as he nodded and sat back.

“There’ve been mistakes…screw-ups, and I wish there was some kind of magical phrase I could turn to explain, to tell you…” I trailed off and groaned. “Yes?”

I’d stopped speaking when Henry’s mouth popped open, dying to butt in. He was holding up one finger now.

“You just can’t help yourself, can you?”

“Sorry,” he said. “But I have to interrupt here.” He scooted around so we were sitting across from each other on the cool grass. The light from the streetlamp was shining in my favor now, illuminating Henry’s face. I could see a little welt—approximately the size of my Doc Martin heel—swelling on his forehead. I could also see that he’d just lifted a tiny smile.

“I have no intention of turning this into one of those lectures you find so irritating, but I do want to let you in on a few things.”

“Okay?”

“Number one, I really blow at reading between the lines, so don’t bother trying to drum up some idiom that isn’t one hundred percent clear. Two, I’ve known you long enough to know there’s not a person on this earth who can argue you into something you don’t already believe.” He lifted another half smile. “A lawyer’s worse nightmare. Third and lastly…”

From his expression, I knew he was considering, formulating the sentences in his head before speaking. Some things never changed.

“Lastly, as much as I enjoyed being with you that night at the ranch, and when we were camping, and…in my kitchen.” He took a decisive pause, looking me in the eyes. I felt that pile of hot bricks on my chest from all those nights ago. “Well,” he continued, “that wasn’t exactly the way I wanted it then, and it’s definitely not the way I want it now.”

His last declaration threw me. Just like that, hot bricks dissolved into cold liquid.

“You don’t…” I could barely speak. “You don’t want me now.”

He stared at me for a long moment, his gaze unwavering. “Don’t
want
you?” he repeated slowly. “Springer.” He reached across the darkness and took my hand. “I have never wanted anything in my life more than you.”

I felt like the weight of the world had flown from my shoulders as I gazed at him, his lips pulling back into a smile. I reached out to touch his face, but he caught my wrist.

“This goes no further,” he said, lowering my extended arm down to my side, “until I hear it from you.” He removed his other hand from mine, sat back on his heels and folded his arms. “I need this, Spring. I need to hear it.”

A set of battling creatures descended upon my insides. One was attempting to calm me, while the other filled me with a totally different kind of nervousness. Because I knew what Henry was after.

Never in my life had I said
those
words
. I’d tried to show him before, but that wasn’t enough. Henry was braver than me, he’d already said it months ago, fearlessly. I was not feeling as brave.

He sighed impatiently. “Are you going to say it?” he asked. “You know you want to.” There he was again, that confident, self-assured, sexy Greek hero who was completely certain of everything he did. His delicious lips pressed together, hiding a smile as he inched closer. “Because I don’t know how much longer I can hold out. I traveled for three days straight. The last day was in
your
car, listening to the only CDs you had in there. Alanis Morissette on repeat. She’s stuck in my head.” His angel face twisted with exaggerated pain. “Any idea what that’s doing to me right now?”

“You listened to Alanis?”

“And Fiona.” He shrugged good-naturedly, charmingly. “Though I think I prefer—”

“Henry,” I cut him off, scooted forward on my grass-stained knees and took his hands. “Henry Edward Knightly…the third,” I added in a whisper, giving him a knowing grin. I ran my hands up his arms. “You drive me absolutely crazy.” He chuckled softly and looked down. “You amaze me.” I lifted his chin. “And I love you.”

Before my voice had faded out, Henry’s arms were around me. It must change something in your chemistry when you kiss someone for the first time after saying I love you. I would never mock Julia or her theories again. Never.

The next thing I knew, we were down on the ground, adding new patches of green to our previously grass-stained clothing. Henry was already a mess, and personally, the more tangled and twisted he became, the more insanely attractive he grew. I lovingly extracted blades of grass from his hair, while he wiped whatever foliage it was that was stuck to the side of my face.