Defy (37 page)

Lisbet wiped them away with her cloth. “It was a terrible cost.

But they gave their lives in hopes that it would ensure freedom

from the king’s atrocities for those they loved. Don’t belittle their gift by living your life dragged down by regret and guilt.”

I stared up at her, my chest tight. Before I could respond,

there was a knock at the door.

“That’ll be one of your suitors, I’m sure. They’ve both been

pacing holes into the ground. I wouldn’t let them come in until

you’d had a chance to rest and heal up a bit.” Lisbet stood up.

“Would you like to see them now?”

Panic clutched my chest again. How could I face either of them?

Rylan would never forgive me. After all the years he’d pro-

tected me, for Marcel, I’d failed to save Jude.

Or Damian — he’d take one look at me and retreat in horror;

my scars were surely worse than Eljin’s. And he was the king now.

He shouldn’t be bothering with me; he had a country to run —

to heal.

Lisbet stepped closer to me again when there was another

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knock. “You’ll have to face them sometime, but if you don’t feel up

to it now, I’ll tell them to give you another night to rest.”

I nodded gratefully, not even daring to speak. When had I

become such a coward? But I couldn’t deny the relief when she

cracked the door open and quietly said something before shutting

it again.

When she walked back over and sat down next to me on the

bed, I took a deep breath. “I want to see myself,” I said.

She gave me a searching look, and then nodded. “Okay. That’s

probably a good place to start.”

She rose and moved away, then returned, holding a hand mir-

ror, I took it from her with trembling fingers. I held it down on my

lap for a long time, too scared to look.

“I’ll go find you some dinner,” Lisbet said, “if you would like

some time alone.”

I nodded again, grateful for her sensitivity.

She walked across the room, and then paused by the door.

“Don’t hold it against him,” she said suddenly.

“What?” I asked, confused.

“Against Damian. Don’t hold it against him for not telling you

that he was a sorcerer. I spent his whole life ingraining in him that he could never, ever tell anyone. He took bloodroot every day of

his life until he left the palace to suppress it so that Iker wouldn’t sense him and have him killed — or worse. I tried to train him

when he came to me, but he had to work so hard to make any-

thing happen, since he was purposefully poisoning himself.”

Lisbet’s voice broke and my heart constricted. The bloodroot I’d

gathered . . . I had been sure it was for Lisbet. But I’d been

wrong — again. “His life has been nothing short of hell. He’s had

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no one, except for me, he could talk to or trust. Until you came

into his life and he started to fall for you. I thought he was using

you at first — that he was trying to make you care for him so you

would do what he wanted. But, now . . . please don’t break his heart.”

I stared at her, stricken.

“I’m sorry. Forgive me for meddling. I just . . . I care for him

as if he were my own son. I loved his mother so dearly. . . .” She

broke off again. After clearing her throat and dashing her fingers

against her eyes, she nodded. “Right. I’ll go get that food now.”

She slipped out of the door, leaving me alone with her words

hanging in the air and the mirror in my cold hands.

My heart pounded as I sat up in Damian’s bed, staring at the back

of the mirror. I tried to summon the courage to look, replaying

what Lisbet had said to me over and over in my mind. I
was
upset at Damian for not telling me — for keeping what had to be the

biggest secret of all. That had to be why he’d known I was a girl;

just like every other sorcerer I met. He’d had the chance to tell me

in the corridor on our last night in Blevon, hadn’t he? Or had we

heard the people coming too soon? Even if he didn’t have time

then, there had been other opportunities.

But that wasn’t the true problem.

It was the same realization I’d come to in General Tinso’s

castle, when we’d been alone in the room together.

There was no future for us.

I was not the one who would become his queen.

I clutched the mirror tightly. Maybe it wouldn’t matter any-

way. Maybe I was so hideous now that he would take one look at

me and decide he didn’t care about me anymore. Only love —

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true, unwavering love — could remain unblemished in the face of

the horror I was sure to see when I lifted this mirror. And though

I’d told him that I loved him, he’d never repeated it back to me.

He’d told me he cared about me. That he wanted to be with me. But

did he love me?

When he walked in here and saw me, I’d know.

“Let’s get this over with already,” I finally said out loud to

myself. “You’re being ridiculous. It’s just a face.”

I took a deep breath and held it, then brought up the mirror

to see how bad it was.

My eyes widened and then filled with tears as I stared at

myself. All my life, I’d seen my twin in my ref lection.

The face I saw now didn’t look a thing like Marcel. The right

side, yes. But the left . . . My tears spilled out and ran down my

cheeks, leaving wet streaks on the silvery, ridged scars that covered my left cheek, trailed across my jaw and down my neck, plunging

beneath the neckline of my nightgown and out of sight. At least

my mouth hadn’t been affected, or my eye.

I turned the mirror around and set it down as far away from

me as possible on the bed.

Lisbet had tried her hardest, I was sure. But I would always be

a walking reminder of the horrors Antion had suffered under King

Hector and Iker’s rule.

I was a monster — made by the hand of the true monster.

When I heard Lisbet opening the door, I f lung myself down

on the bed and pretended to be asleep. I couldn’t bear to face her,

not yet. Not when I knew how bad my grief would make her feel.

I never wanted to see my face again. And I never wanted any-

one else to see it, either.

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 forty-five 

I
held Rylan and Damian off for three days, making Lisbet

send them away again and again. But finally, I knew I couldn’t

put it off any longer. I had to come out sometime; I wasn’t going

to spend the rest of my life holed up in the prince’s room. I won-

dered if he was using the king’s rooms now, or if they held too

many horrible memories for him. Maybe I was causing him to suf-

fer by not letting him take back his old room.

With that thought in mind, I nodded when Lisbet said, “The

king is here to see you . . . again,” on the fourth morning.

“She will see you now, Your Majesty.” Lisbet bowed and

opened the door wider. I turned my face away, so that he wouldn’t

see the ruined side yet, but I heard him say, “Lisbet, please, you

don’t need to do all that.”

I remembered how I used to think it was an act when he’d tell

us he didn’t like having us bow and use titles to address him. It

made me f lush with embarrassment, now that I knew how wrong

I’d been about him.

“I’ll give you some privacy,” Lisbet said, and I heard the door

shut, leaving me alone with Damian. The king of Antion.

He was silent for a long time. I could feel his gaze on me, but

he didn’t come closer. Was he afraid to see what I looked like?

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At last, I heard him take a hesitant step forward. “Alexa . . .

would you like me to leave?” He sounded so concerned, so unsure

of himself.

I shook my head.

“May I . . . may I come sit by you?”

I took a deep breath, trying to calm my racing heart. I clutched

my hands in my lap. They were cold and yet slick with sweat. “Of

course, Your Majesty,” I said, my voice shaky.

“Not from you, please, Alexa. I’m Damian to you still, aren’t

I?” I heard him cross the distance between us, and felt the bed dip

beneath his weight when he sat down beside me. I could see him

out of the corner of my eye now. He wore the signet crown over his

thick, dark hair, but his collar of office was a simple gold chain,

unadorned by jewels — unlike the gaudy one his father had worn.

“You’re the king now,” I said.

He reached out and covered my hands with one of his. “Please

don’t shut me out. I’m still Damian — and I still need you.”

I squeezed my eyes shut and the tears I’d been trying to hold

in spilled onto my cheeks. “If you wish for me to continue to serve

on your guard, I would be honored to do so.”

His fingers tightened over mine. “Alexa, look at me.”

I shook my head, my eyes still closed.

“Look at me, please. I don’t care about the scars. I care about

you
,” he said, his voice achingly tender.

I’d never heard him sound so unsure of himself.

“Please look at me, so I can tell you how much I care about

you. How much I
love
you.”

It was hearing those words that undid me. My eyes f lew open.

For a moment, I forgot how ugly I was and turned to stare at him.

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He didn’t f linch or turn away. He looked straight into my eyes,

and lifted his hand to softly cup the ruined side of my face.

“Alexa, I love you. Please forgive me for keeping so many secrets.

There are no more; I promise. And I need you. I
need
you,” he repeated, his voice barely above a whisper, his familiar eyes intent

on mine and oh so very, very blue in the light of the morning sun.

I didn’t pull away when he leaned forward and very gently

touched his lips to mine, as if he were afraid of breaking me. My

breath caught in my throat. I ached to melt into his arms, to believe his words, to believe I really could be with him.

But he was a king now.

And I was . . . not worthy of a king.

When I didn’t respond, he pulled away, his expression guarded.

The hurt in his eyes nearly shattered my already broken heart.

“Alexa?”

“You’re a king, Damian. Do you intend to make me your

queen? Because that’s the only way we could be together. And you

and I both know I am not fit to be queen of Antion.” I gently

pulled my hands out from his.

“Don’t do this,” he said.

“We both know it’s the right thing to do. If you wish me to

serve you as your guard, I will. Although it might be difficult for

me to be so close to you. Especially once you do decide to marry

someone who is worthy to be your queen.”

Damian’s eyes f lashed and he stood up abruptly. “Yes, you’re

right, I
am
king of Antion. And I have the ability to decide who is worthy to be my queen.”

I had to make him leave, or else I wasn’t going to have the

strength to say no any longer. Even if he couldn’t see it, I knew I

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was right. No one would respect him if he made his scarred, for-

mer guard his wife. He needed someone powerful, someone who

could help him rule and heal his nation.

“Damian, it isn’t just that,” I said. My heart constricted in my

chest, but I had to do it. For his sake. “I can’t trust you. I can’t be with you; I can’t be your queen when I can’t trust you.”

His jaw tightened and he stared at me. “After everything we’ve

been through — after everything we accomplished together —

this is your answer? You don’t trust me?”

“I’m very sorry,” I said, trying to make my voice firm, not to

let him notice how I was trembling. How my eyes were stinging

from the tears I couldn’t let him see.

He looked at me for a moment longer, then he nodded curtly,

his expression hard. “Fine. Then, as your
king
” — he spat the word as if he hated it — “I order you to continue to serve on my

personal guard. And maybe someday, you will decide I am worthy

of your trust after all.”

Without waiting for my response, he turned on his heel and

strode to the door. He yanked it open and was gone.

I rolled onto my stomach and buried my sobs in my pillow.

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 forty-six 

E
veryone left me alone for the next couple of hours, and

eventually I forced myself to dry my tears and draw up my

courage. I wasn’t going to hide in here any longer. I didn’t want

Rylan to come visit me while I was lying in bed, too. I would face

him on my terms — on my own two feet, even though the thought

of looking at him, talking to him, knowing I was responsible for

his brother’s death made my stomach turn.

I stood up and looked around for something to change into,

instead of the long nightgown I had on. Everywhere I turned were

reminders of Damian, of the night I’d come in to see him thrash-

ing in bed from a nightmare. The time he’d stood by his desk,

fidgeting with what I learned was his mother’s locket. I had to

clench my jaw to keep the tears from rising again. I was certain I’d

made the right decision, but it nearly destroyed me to do it.

Just as Damian had said to me all those weeks ago, duty first

with me. He’d been praising me for it then. I was sure he was curs-

ing me for it now.

There was nothing for me to wear, and I finally went to the