Defy the Dark (35 page)

“Why not?”

“I don't want to love you only at night.”

The words slap across my face. I am harsh in return. “It would be better if I were a boy and you couldn't love me at all? Except in dark alleys and illegal dance clubs? This is best.” Now that we're here, together, all my doubts and uncertainties and fears are gone—I know what I want.

Hal pulls at his unwaxed hair. “I can't change my desires, or I'd have stopped kissing boys a long time ago, Ophelia.”

“But you did! You kissed me and you loved it.”

“Don't fool yourself. You're no girl. I don't know what you are. Girls don't do what you did. You're neither.”

I want to be both, I think, but I can't say that. Hal abruptly releases my wrists and storms past me into the house, taking my heart with him.

Empty and numb, I sink to the spiky, frozen grass and lie back, staring up at the moon. At the spotlight of my madness.

And I remember how, just this evening as the sun still burned in the sky and I painted this color onto my lips, the moon was up, too, and visible. It rose before sunset, paler and blending gently into the darkening blue, but still there. Still the moon.

 

I
n darkness and light, in the shadows between, I go mad.

I know who I want, but I also know who I am. I remember when Hal said to me if we were caught, we'd be murdered, and he didn't care when I kissed him. If he meant it, if it was true, he would love me still, in any clothes, in any body. Because my mouth and eyes and soul are the same.

But we need time. I can't go begging to him, for he broke off marriage talks. I can't play the girl only and win him that way, but neither can I arrive at Club Rose, hoping to see him, in my brother's suit.

All I can do is figure out how to live with this madness.

 

I
never intended for anyone to think I died. Yet I stand, on an afternoon so gray with heavy clouds it's neither day nor night, in front of my family's town house where the memorial service for Miss Ophelia Polonius is beginning.

Ice slicks the pavement and I shiver into the long, fur-lined overcoat that I stole from Father's closet three days ago before disappearing near the train station. It slipped my mind that the river rushes on the other side of the meadow, and that when I was a little girl our nanny took both Lars and me there one day. I spent that afternoon telling my brother stories about mermaids who leave their undersea homes to get feet and walk on their own, and then I begged for weeks to go back. Mother forbade it because of the homeless wanderers to be found near the trains.

It's no wonder Lars thought of the river before the trains. And I did leave my favorite silk scarf in the meadow for them to find.

I was only running away from Ophelia, but my family believes I killed myself out of distress at my ruined engagement. Over a broken heart. I shouldn't have come back here, should have lost myself in the streets and clubs as I'd intended, or used Daddy's money for a ticket to California. Yet here I am, clutching my coat, hat low, eyes down as everyone my family has ever known walks slowly up the worn marble steps.

Seeing them grieve will undo me. I'll never be able to watch Lars stand stiff and pale, surrounded by flowers. They aren't at church because of my suicide. Ophelia has been rendered unholy.

The thought does make me smile, but only a little bit.

Just before I turn away, promising myself that I'll write to Lars as soon as I'm settled someplace, I see Hal.

The top hat suits him not at all, but the long coat swings around his ankles like a cape. All that black is muted and severe in the gray light, and his lips are pressed into a line. He sweeps through the crowd and inside, and I go after.

Everyone parts for him, and my prince's path is unobstructed until he reaches the sitting room. It is draped in the darkest violet and black cloths, the windows shut and lit by candles. A portrait of me as a fifteen-year-old girl rests on an easel beside a spray of hothouse lilies.

It's Lars who blocks his way.

“Devil take your soul,” my brother cries. My stolid brother—cheeks flushed and fists clenched. “You cannot be here, Halden King.”

“What is this?” Hal grasps Lars's shoulder, to push him back.

“It's for you that she's here—or rather that she isn't here, you animal.”

Mother calls from the back of the room, “Part them!”

My hands are on my face, and I hit the door frame for backing away so fast.

Hal releases Lars, palms up, “You can't keep me from this.”

“You denied her in life, so how could you have her in death?”

Oh, my brother. Tears blur the scene and I am awhirl with sorrow. I should reveal myself here, now, and they will all be well.

But I would be trapped again, stripped and put back in my dress and feathers, caged and prettied up for the feast. I dig my fingers into my mouth to keep myself from speaking.

My whole family stands as a wall against Hal, and all the crowd of mourners pushes nearer to hear. Hal touches Lars's face, and my brother flinches away. But Hal says, his voice raw and ugly, “I loved Ophelia.”

I don't know if it's because I'm weak or because I'm strong, but I push forward through the crowd. “Stop!” I say, throwing off my hat and stripping the heavy coat from my shoulders. Beneath it is my suit, my tight vest and pressed pants, my jacket and tie. I am a slim young gentleman with the face of a dead girl.

“O.” Hal rushes at me faster than Lars or Daddy or Mother, none of whom know me thus.

Whispers break out, and at least one feminine shriek, as Hal throws his arms around me and kisses me in front of them all.

 

W
e are the most incredible scandal to ever blaze through the city, they say.

I won't marry him, though I love him. So Hal takes me away to Paris with his inheritance and we rent a flat, the two of us friends from school we say, in the City of Light to experience the best life has to offer.

My family never contacts me until Lars shows up in the summer, hat in hand on the steps of our building. When I greet him in my favorite new suit, which is pin-striped and the vest curves against me smoothly without my bindings, Lars squares his jaw and says, “What should I call you?”

“I'll always be your sister,” I say, grasping his hand and dragging him inside to supper with us. He's uncomfortable, but trying, hunting desperately for a way to understand this puzzle. That night, Hal goes out to the theater, where a friend of ours is singing, and Lars and I sit sipping brandy on the iron balcony. From there we can see the top lights of the Eiffel Tower, and all the hazy stars behind.

“This is dangerous, Phe,” he says, quite drunk so that his cheeks are blotchy.

I've loosened my tie and slouch with my head against the low back of the chair. “Lars, anything else would be wrong.”

“If you would marry him, you could come home.”

I purse my lips.

“Halden told me he asks you every day.”

“To be a wife would lock me into one thing, and I don't know what I am, yet.”

Lars reaches across the little space between us and takes my hand. He flicks a finger over the topaz cuff link Hal gave me for my birthday last month. “You're mad, is what you are,” he whispers.

I open my mouth and laugh at the sky.

About the Authors

Sarah Rees Brennan
is the author of the Demon's Lexicon trilogy, a series about demons, magicians, and two very troubled brothers. The first book was an ALA Top Ten Best Book and received three starred reviews. Most recently she is the author of
Unspoken
, the first in the Lynburn Legacy trilogy, a Gothic mystery with imaginary friends who turn out not to be so imaginary, and coauthor with Justine Larbalestier of
Team Human
, about a girl who isn't very impressed by vampires. She lives in Dublin, Ireland, which she uses as a base for her adventures, and she blames Diana Wynne Jones for her incurable fantasy addiction. Visit her at www.sarahreesbrennan.com.

 

Kate Espey
was born in Kansas and moved to San Antonio, Texas, in the sixth grade. She blames her mildly morbid and blunt writing style on this sudden relocation during her crucial formative years. Unfortunately, Kate is a high school student, but she likes to distract herself by making YouTube videos and writing stories in class. Kate has more experience with murder than boys (otherwise, she would have a date for prom).

 

Tessa Gratton
has wanted to be a paleontologist or a wizard since she was seven. She was too impatient to hunt dinosaurs but is still searching for someone to teach her magic. After traveling the world with her military family, she acquired a BA (and the important parts of an MA) in gender studies, then settled down in Kansas with her partner, her cats, and her mutant dog. Visit her at www.tessagratton.com.

 

Rachel Hawkins
is the author of the
New York Times
bestselling Hex Hall series and
Rebel Belle
. She was born in Virginia and raised in Alabama. This means she uses words like “y'all” and “fixin'” a lot, and considers anything under sixty degrees to be borderline arctic. Before deciding to write books about kissing and fire (and sometimes kissing while on fire), Rachel taught high school English for three years, and she is still capable of teaching you
The Canterbury Tales
if you're into that kind of thing. You can visit her online at www.readingwritingrachel.blogspot.com.

 

Christine Johnson
grew up in, moved away from, and eventually came home to Indianapolis, Indiana. She lives there with her husband and two kids in a creaky old house that is disappointingly unhaunted. Christine is the author of
Claire de Lune
,
Nocturne
, and
The Gathering Dark
. You can visit her online at www.christinejohnsonbooks.com.

 

Valerie Kemp
is an award-winning independent filmmaker from Michigan. She has been creating stories ever since she first learned how to write. After challenging herself to turn a too-complex screenplay idea into a novel, she fell head over heels in love with writing YA. Valerie loves to travel, and when not writing screenplays or novels, she can be found shooting music videos, reading voraciously, and possibly hanging out in foreign country. You can visit her online at www.valeriekemp.com.

 

Malinda Lo
is the author of several young adult fantasy and science fiction novels, most recently
Adaptation
. Her debut novel,
Ash
, a retelling of Cinderella with a lesbian twist, was a finalist for the William C. Morris YA Debut Award, the Andre Norton Award for YA Fantasy and Science Fiction, and the Lambda Literary Award. She lives in Northern California with her partner and their dog. You can visit her online at www.malindalo.com.

 

Myra McEntire
is the author of timeslip novels
Hourglass
and
Timepiece
. She lives in Nashville with her husband and two sons. She likes to make stuff up. You can visit her online at www.myramcentire.blogspot.com.

 

Saundra Mitchell
has been a phone psychic, a car salesperson, a denture deliverer, and a layout waxer. She's dodged trains, endured basic training, and hitchhiked from Montana to California. She teaches herself languages, raises children, and makes paper for fun. She is the author of
Shadowed Summer
,
The Vespertine
,
The Springsweet
, and
The Elementals.
She always picks truth; dare is too easy. You can visit her online at www.saundramitchell.com.

 

Sarah Ockler
is the bestselling author of the young adult novels
Twenty Boy Summer
,
Fixing Delilah
, and
Bittersweet
. She loves to defy the dark by staying up all night in her Colorado home writing, reading, and/or thinking about cupcakes. When she's not busy defying any darkness or licking chocolate batter from a spoon, she enjoys taking pictures, hugging trees, and road-tripping through the country with her husband, Alex. Sarah loves hearing from readers and invites you to connect with her online at www.sarahockler.com.

 

Jackson Pearce
is the author of multiple books for teens, including
Sisters Red
,
Sweetly
,
Fathomless
, and
Purity
. She currently lives in Atlanta, Georgia, and—despite what she writes—admits she is sometimes afraid of the dark. You can visit her online at www.jacksonpearce.com.

 

Aprilynne Pike
is a critically acclaimed, internationally bestselling author. She's been spinning tales since she was a child with a hyperactive imagination. At the age of twenty she received her BA in creative writing from Lewis-Clark State College in Lewiston, Idaho. When not writing, Aprilynne can usually be found out running; she also enjoys singing, acting, reading, and working with pregnant moms as a childbirth educator and doula. Aprilynne lives in Arizona with her husband and four kids; she is enjoying the sunshine. You can visit her online at www.aprilynnepike.com.

 

Dia Reeves
, author of
Bleeding Violet
and
A Slice of Cherry
, is a librarian and lives in a suburb of Dallas, Texas. Her family, however, grew up in East Texas and has inspired her with many tales of the area. The fact that she writes gory, psychotic, romantic, surreal books about happily maladjusted teens who live in East Texas is in no way a reflection on her family. Or is it? You can visit her online at www.diareeves.com.

 

Beth Revis
is the
New York Times
bestselling author of the young adult science fiction novels
Across the Universe
and
A Million Suns
, as well as several other short stories set on the spaceship
Godspeed
. A former high school English teacher, Beth drew inspiration for her novels from her students and their lives—although she took the claustrophobic feeling of being trapped in a small town and enclosed her characters on a spaceship instead. Beth currently lives in rural North Carolina with her husband and dogs, and she believes space is nowhere near the final frontier. You can visit her online at www.bethrevis.com.

 

Carrie Ryan
is the
New York Times
bestselling author of the critically acclaimed The Forest of Hands and Teeth series as well as several short stories. Her first novel was chosen as a Best Book for Young Adults by the American Library Association, named to the 2010 New York Public Library Stuff for the Teen Age List, and selected as a Best of the Best Books by the Chicago Public Library. A former litigator, Carrie now writes full-time and lives with her husband, two fat cats, and one large dog in Charlotte, North Carolina. You can visit her online at www.carrieryan.com.

 

Jon Skovron
is the author of
Struts & Frets
and
Misfit
. He lives with his two sons outside Washington, DC. You can visit him online at www.jonskovron.com.

 

Courtney Summers
lives and writes in Canada. She is the author of
This Is Not a Test
,
Fall for Anything
,
Some Girls Are
, and
Cracked Up to Be
. You can visit her online at www.courtneysummers.ca.

 

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