Deliriously Happy (14 page)

It's about more than an alien invasion, or a big dance contest, although if you're a fan of invading aliens or professional choreography you won't be disappointed. It's also a love story, born of deep space and lived on an underwater dance floor; and it's about the characters: the hero, the babe, the bad guy, the black guy, the guy who was funny when he was on
SNL
, and others. More than anything, though, it's about freedom—the idea of freedom as opposed to any specific exercise of it—and liberty, which is a different word from “liberal,” and about the special effects, which are more special than ever before, and Crest Whitestrips, which—spoiler alert—save humanity.

I hesitate to call it a remake, for legal reasons but also because what I think we're doing here is not so much remaking or reimagining as reimagineering™, if I may coin and trademark a term. This is really a film for people who weren't alive seven years ago to see the original, or who were drunk and barely remember it, or who can't tell one movie from another anymore. It's for all those people, and their dates.

Make no mistake: we're not trying to replace the original, except in the marketplace. The original is still out there somewhere, in whatever form existed back then, as is the television show on which it was based, or its previous incarnation as a comic book inspired by a toy. The toy, of course, is no longer available, but we have a new toy, one that I am confident will prove to be not nearly as deadly, while retaining much of the original's play value.

Some members of the media have pointed out that our story contains eerie parallels to the current situation, and that's their job, I guess—to scare away potential moviegoers, at least when they're not pawing through my garbage, their tiny red eyes caught in the glare of my security lights, their pointy yellow teeth flecked with coffee grounds and dripping rancid goo, possibly separated butter. But I digress.

I honestly can't tell you how much of our movie is based on the current situation. I'm not an expert. But I can assure you our movie is far more entertaining than the current situation, whatever it may be. And that it was never our intention to take sides in any political debate, military conflict, or national catastrophe but simply to exploit these similarities in a positive way. Nor are we hoping that people will think about the movie once they leave the theater. The sooner they forget about it the better, because the DVD is coming out in two weeks.

I'd like to take a moment here to address these rumors about Kendra and me. Whatever we did or did not do, in whose trailer, together or in tandem, or at what angle, is between the two of us and a very small crew. In any case, my publicist has vehemently denied everything, and that's good enough for me.

Whether Kendra is pregnant with my child, whether they're twins and only one of them is mine, whether she's actually carrying alien spawn in yet another eerie parallel to the film—that's for her people to deny, vehemently, categorically, or otherwise. That sonogram on the Internet looks nothing like me, more like a peeled shrimp or that one camera guy.

As for the rumors about Jacob, what have you heard?

I won't deny it was a tough shoot. There were some heated arguments on the set, with subsequent gunplay, but this is typical of any creative endeavor where there are a bunch of guns just left lying around.

In the end, I have to say, it was worth it. It's an excellent entertainment product. Of course, I can't take all of the credit. Much of that must contractually go to the director, as well as the lead actor and actress, their stunt and body doubles, the hair and makeup people, the incredible crew, everyone's agents and managers, and the dozens of immensely talented writers who contributed words to the project. But when it comes to the triple-shot caramel macchiatos that kept the lead actor awake, the soy lattes that kept the lead actress from starving, and the black-with-three-Equals-and-not-the-same-goddamn-thing-in-a-different-packet that kept the director from screaming at everyone, I'd like to think I had some small part in that.

We have an obligation, as broadcasters, to satisfy the appetites of the American public.

—Former Fox Television chairman Sandy Grushow

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

LOS ANGELES, NEW YORK, and LONDON—“Laughing” Larry Doyle, in conjunction with LD Associates and LarDo Ltd., proudly announces that principal photography has begun on
Laughing All the Way: The Larry Doyle Story
, a major feature film based on the soon-to-be-released bestseller
Laughing All the Way Home: My Own Story
, written by Larry Doyle under a grant from the Larry Doyle Group.

The $200 million film is being produced and directed by Larry Doyle, who will play all the major roles in the film, with the exception of his best friend and sidekick, who will be played by Larry Doyle's real life best friend and sidekick, to be announced.

Larry Doyle will also sing the title song, the achingly funny “Larry's Laugh,” in a duet with himself harmonizing in a slightly higher register.

Larry Doyle's acting-writing-directing-and-producing debut represents the first time more than $200 million has been spent on a comedy starring a novice in so many roles. But Larry-Doyle Artist Co., which has agreed to distribute
LATW: The Larry Doyle Story
, says it is confident the feature will earn back the $240 million even before it officially opens, “and if not, it has been an honor being part of this truly important—and very, very funny—film.”

All told, Larry Doyle will have sixty-three speaking roles in
LATW: The Larry Doyle Story
, and will appear in every scene an average of 7.8 times. Making these tour-de-“farce” performances possible will be HolosoftVR™, a soon-to-be-cutting-edge process that combines computer animation, holographics, and Muppetry. Unlike recent multiple-role comedies, which required the actors to respond to tennis balls on sticks, HolosoftVR™ will allow Larry Doyle to interact directly with adorable soft cotton copies of himself. While the technology—developed by Larry Doyle working with Henson's Creatures Shop under a grant from the Department of Defense—is untested, sources on the set report the only difficulty so far has been Larry Doyle “cracking himselves up,” forcing some scenes to be reshot several times, albeit “each take funnier than the one before.”

In
LATW: The Larry Doyle Story
, Larry Doyle portrays himself at ages five, eight, twelve, sixteen, and as an adult—a particularly keen acting challenge, since his only previous acting experience was in an untitled Egyptian sketch in the fifth grade. But Larry Doyle more than rises to the occasion: using self-hypnosis, he regresses into each of his younger selves, and actually
relives
harrowing and heartwarming scenes from his childhood before the camera, still managing to find the essential funniness of each. To complete the cinematic transformation, the early Larry Doyle scenes are the first ever to be shot using Encephaloscope™, which selectively shrinks the head and the rest of the body, producing more childlike proportions. As evidence of Larry Doyle's commitment to his craft, it should be noted that Encephaloscope™ is not a photographic process but a medical procedure.

Moreover, in order to prepare for the roles of his father and mother—Larry Doyle Sr. and Mrs. Larry Doyle—Larry Doyle reportedly spent twenty-eight years living with the couple, totally immersing himself in their lifestyle. A source close to the production reveals that Larry Doyle's portrayal of his parents is “uncanny. It's almost as if Larry Doyle is slowing
becoming
his father—and his mother, too.”

And finally, in what is sure to be a source of much controversy, Larry Doyle plays his own romantic interest in
LATW: The Larry Doyle Story
.

“I auditioned more than eight hundred actresses for the role,” Larry Doyle says, “and none of them had exactly what I needed.” Larry Doyle will not reveal how the love scenes in
LATW: The Larry Doyle Story
were photographed. “But I can tell you this,” he says. “They're very funny—and they're
hot
.”

LATW: The Larry Doyle Story
will be released simultaneously in 5,200 theaters and 20,000 Red Boxes immediately upon completion. For the special-edition DVD, Larry Doyle will provide a fulllength track of himself laughing in the appropriate places.

FOR FURTHER INFORMATION OR TO HELP FINANCE THIS FILM, PLEASE CONTACT LARRY DOYLE AT (410) 664–2161. IF SOMEONE ELSE ANSWERS, SAY YOU HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT YOUR ACCOUNT.