“I hope you know that I am not making the offer out of pity, my dear,” continued Mrs. Gray. “The colonel and I have truly enjoyed having you with us.”
Elizabeth covered Mrs. Gray’s hand with her own. “And I appreciate your offer of hospitality more than I can say. But….”
“But what? You are filled with ambition to become the best seamstress in Santa Fe?” the colonel’s wife said tartly. “You’ve discovered a great talent in laundering? Or have you fallen desperately in love with Mr. Cooper?”
Elizabeth’s laugh was hollow. “I
could
go to Santa Fe, you know. Thomas’s sister is still there and while I would not live with her again, I would have an acquaintance. Perhaps I could stretch my pension by offering myself as a drawing teacher.”
“Santa Fe is hardly Boston, my dear. There may be a family or two interested in educating their daughters like young ladies, but that will not keep you in firewood.”
“Other army widows have become laundresses,” mused Elizabeth.
“Yes, at age forty-five. The younger laundresses, like Mary Ann….” Mrs. Gray caught herself.
Elizabeth blushed. She had occasionally wondered whether Michael Burke still visited the buxom Mary Ann.
“An older enlisted man’s widow with children to support might stay with her husband’s regiment and still be respected,” Mrs. Gray continued, more gently. “But a young woman like yourself, attractive and an officer’s widow? No, Elizabeth, that is not a real possibility. Which leaves us Mr. Cooper. And you will never convince me that you are even considering such a fate.”
“Well, I
have
thought about it,” said Elizabeth somewhat defiantly.
“My dear, just think, you would be washing your pillowslips daily! You may as well become a laundress!” said Mrs. Gray with a wicked gleam in her eye. They both had to laugh at the thought of the lieutenant’s oiled hair.
“Maybe I have misjudged him,” said Elizabeth, trying to convince herself as much as her friend. “He has been most kind to me these past months.”
“Why shouldn’t he be, looking over at your lovely face and enjoying our good food! How could you overlook his conduct at the horse race?”
“I can’t,” Elizabeth admitted. “You are fortunately or unfortunately correct. I cannot marry Mr. Cooper. Which leaves me….”
“With us,” said Mrs. Gray, getting up from the table. “I will brook no argument, Elizabeth,” she added, patting her guest on the shoulder before she was off to begin packing.
Elizabeth sat there, looking out the window but seeing nothing. She knew Mrs. Gray was being sincere. The colonel and his wife did like her and had enjoyed her presence, though God alone knew why, she thought. I have been poor company even for myself. She poured herself a little more coffee. It was dark and bitter, having sat there for a while. Like my future. Or lack of one. I suppose I will have to go with them. And I suppose at Fort Lyon there may be some nice lieutenant or captain that Mrs. Gray will determine perfect for me. Who
will
be perfect for me.
She heard a demanding bark from the kitchen and stimulated by the coffee and her own restless desire to get out of the house, to get out of the morass that was her life, she quickly pulled on her wool jacket and taking Orion’s leash, went to get him for a run.
* * * *
The day was glorious. The sky was a brilliant blue and the sage and clumps of grass scattered around the fort had turned a fresh green. Orion pulled at his lead, whining and turning back to her as though to say, “Can’t we get out of here?”
“All right, Orion, we will,” she promised and turned toward the stables.
She had her mare saddled, reassuring the private that she had the colonel’s permission to go for a short ride. The gates were open and Elizabeth gave a blithe wave to the soldier in charge as she trotted out. At first she kept close by the fort, but then Orion caught sight of a jackrabbit and took off after him and she kicked her horse into a gallop.
It felt so good to have the wind against her face. She felt awake for the first time since Thomas’s death. The canyon walls ahead of her were sharp and clear in the morning light and the air was redolent with sage. She was so intent on what was before her that she didn’t hear the hoofbeats behind her until they were almost upon her. For a moment she was terrified: Orion was out of sight and she was by now some distance from the fort. She kicked her mare, but before her horse could respond, a hand reached out and grabbed her reins. It took them a few hundred yards to come to a complete halt and by that time Elizabeth knew it was a soldier who had come after her.
“Are ye mad, woman!” Michael’s voice was low and harsh with anger. “Ye know that the colonel has forbidden anyone to go more than fifty yards from the fort without an escort.”
Elizabeth was angry too. What was he doing here, the interfering Irishman? She had just spent a most horrible winter, she felt her life was closing in on her; surely grabbing a few minutes of freedom was not such a crime.
“Let go of my horse, Sergeant Burke.”
“Sure and I will not.”
“I have the colonel’s permission,” lied Elizabeth.
“Ye do not. ‘Twas the colonel himself sent me after ye.”
“I…I only went after Orion. He took off after a jackrabbit and disappeared. I was afraid….”
“Ye were not afraid enough, Elizabeth. We are now in the middle of a war and we cannot have foolish women endangering themselves or the men sent after them.”
“Well, you can just take yourself back to the fort and out of danger, Sergeant Burke!” Elizabeth said wildly. She knew she was in the wrong, but she could not bring herself to admit it. “And Orion
did
take after a rabbit,” she added defiantly.
“I am sure he did. And where is the mighty hunter now?”
“He was heading toward the canyon.”
Michael started to turn their horses around.
“Wait, Michael, we can’t leave him,” Elizabeth protested.
“He’ll find his own way back.”
“What if he were injured…or attacked?”
“So now ye’re finally a little fearful!”
“Please, Michael,” Elizabeth pleaded.
“Ye stay right here. I’ll go ahead a little ways. If I am not back in fifteen minutes, ye are to head right back to the fort,” he added in the tone of voice in which he gave orders to his men.
“Yes, sir, Sergeant Burke,” said Elizabeth.
“I am not jesting, Elizabeth. There have been several bands of Navajo spotted close to the fort these last few weeks,” Elizabeth was suddenly ashamed of herself. Michael was right and she was wrong. “I will do as you say, Michael,” she said quietly.
Michael only nodded and rode ahead slowly, his field glasses in his hand.
Suddenly he descended into a small arroyo and was out of sight. Elizabeth sat as patiently as she could, hoping she had not put them both in danger.
It was a full eight minutes by Thomas’s watch, which she kept pinned to her blouse, when Orion came loping along, his tongue hanging out, his jaws bloody and rabbit fur clinging to them. Michael Burke was right behind.
Elizabeth dismounted and attached the lead to the dog’s collar. Orion looked ecstatic from his run and successful hunt and she did not have the heart to scold him. And why should she? He hadn’t done anything wrong; she had.
“Ye won’t have to feed him tonight, Elizabeth. He made a good meal of that rabbit,” said Michael in gentler tones than he had been using.
Elizabeth’s legs started to shake and she reached out and clung to her stirrup. The enormity of what she had done came home to her and also the memory of why she had done it.
Her voice shaking, she said, “You were right, Michael. I did not have permission and it was very foolish of me to ride out. I am…or was an officer’s wife and should know better.”
Michael could see how distraught she was and dismounted immediately.
“Now then, Elizabeth, I shouldn’t have yelled at ye.”
“Oh, yes you should have. Thomas wouldn’t have done so,” she added with an attempt at a smile. “He just would have been very disappointed in me. I wasn’t thinking, really. I just had to get out of the fort. Out of my life,” she added, almost in a whisper. “Did the colonel really send you?”
Michael nodded.
“Oh dear, and they have been so kind to me. I am ashamed to have caused him to lose his temper.”
“He was more worried than angry, Elizabeth.”
Michael had been furious with her, but when he caught up with her he was struck by how much more alive she looked than at any time since Thomas Woolcott’s death. Now it was like the light had gone out inside her again.
“The news of the Grays’ transfer must have come as a shock?”
Elizabeth nodded. She was quiet for a minute and then said, “They have invited me to go with them to Fort Lyon.”
Michael thought he had resigned himself to the eventual loss, either to Cooper or to Santa Fe. But he had hoped she would be a few more months with the Grays. Now she would, but not at Fort Defiance. Having her married to Cooper would have been sweet torture, but at least he would have seen her occasionally. This way she was just…gone.
“And ye’ll be goin’ with them, then?”
“I don’t have much choice,” she replied bitterly.
“Em, I thought that…em, well, Mr. Cooper seems very attentive.”
“He is. But I dislike him too much to marry him, even for the security it would give me. Of course, I
could
become a laundress,” she continued. “Would you come and visit me the way you visited Mary Ann, Michael,” she added wildly, hardly knowing what she was saying. She was just so tired and so lonely. Once again she was alone. Why hadn’t life given her someone who wanted her, just for herself, not as someone to take care of or rescue.
“Ye should not be talkin’ of things like that, Elizabeth,” said Michael, putting his hand gently on her shoulder. “You are an officer’s widow, someone to be respected. Ye’ll make a good home with the Grays and maybe find a fine officer to love at Fort Lyon.” He tried to make his tone light. But sweet Mary, it was hard to be so close to her.
She stood there, the tears finally coming and running down her face, and he loved her so much ‘twas killin’ him. He couldn’t help it. He reached out and, pulling her to him, crushed her against his chest.
She stayed there willingly, relaxed against him, and then pulled back.
“Ouch.” A strand of hair had caught in one of his brass buttons. He held her in close again while he worked her hair free.
“You are a good friend to me, Michael,” she whispered after he let her go.
He didn’t think about it. If he had, he wouldn’t have had the courage to say it.
“Elizabeth, would ye ever consider marrying me?”
She looked up at him, eyes wide with surprise.
“Em…forget I even asked,” he stammered. “I know ‘twould be a comedown from bein’ an officer’s wife and if ye go with the Grays….”
“If I go with the Grays I will be dependent upon them until I find some imaginary officer. If I ever did. Oh, Michael, why are you asking me this?” She wanted him to say, Because I love you and cannot bear life without you near me. Because
I
need
you
. Because I cannot let you go.
“Ye don’t have many choices, Elizabeth. I wanted to offer ye one more. We are good friends, I think?”
Elizabeth nodded.
“Ye would have yer own home again, although noncommissioned quarters are not as fine,” he added apologetically. “Of course, I am not only a sergeant but a mick to boot,” he added teasingly. But she could feel the vulnerability behind the attempt at humor.
“I hope I am a little different than I was a year ago, Michael. I would rather an Irishman than skinny-arsed Cooper any day,” she added tartly.
“What are ye saying then, Elizabeth?”
What
was
she saying? It was clear that life wasn’t going to give her what she wanted. But it was offering her what she needed: a good man who cared about her the way Thomas had. One she liked and respected. One she desired. She had to admit that to herself. It was hard, for he had never given her any sign he felt anything but affection for her.
“I think I am saying I accept your offer, Michael. But I will give you a chance to rescind it,” she added with a twinkle in her eye.
Michael couldn’t believe it. A few minutes ago she was lost to him and now she was going to be his wife. He felt the strangest combination of incredible happiness and awful disappointment. What he had so desired was now his. But the reason was not a love that matched his own or even mutual passion, but need. She needed him, Elizabeth did. She was backed into a corner and he had offered her a way out and she had taken it. She had taken him because he was the way out, the only way that gave her some measure of the freedom she’d lost. And they
were
friends and surely that was something to build on. He would not expect desire in a woman newly widowed, but perhaps desire could come later.
“
Do
you want to take your offer back,” Elizabeth said in a strained voice, for she realized Michael had said nothing in response.
He pulled her back in his arms and kissed the top of her head. Suddenly, Orion was pushing between them. They both looked down at him and each other and laughed.
“I hope you don’t mind that Orion comes with me, Michael?”
“Not atall, Elizabeth. ‘Twill be a fine thing to have another Irishman in the house.”
“I must confess something to you, Michael,” said Elizabeth, sounding serious again.
“Yes?” Michael didn’t know what she was thinking, but was afraid she would say something like “I don’t feel I’ll ever love you as more than a friend.”
“The only reason I didn’t consider Mr. Cooper as an option is that he would never take a mongrel into his household!” Michael let out a relieved laugh and Orion barked happily.
“ ‘Tis lucky ye are, ye devil, to be having me and not Cooper then,” said Michael to the dog.
And lucky I am too, thought Elizabeth as they rode back to the fort to share their news.
“I have never tried to plan a wedding and pack all in the same week,” grumbled Mrs. Gray to the colonel that night after they went to bed.