[Desert Roses 02] - Across the Years (6 page)

Ashley remembered the look of delight on his face and knew he really meant it. Grandpa was never a man of false words. At least not since finding Jesus. She thought back to the things he’d told her about his past. Things he was deeply ashamed of. It was the reason he’d left Los Angeles and a lucrative partnership in the land business. Her grandfather had been a great salesman—and con man. He had a knack for convincing people of what they needed and then producing that exact thing. Even in getting Ashley to church, he’d been very persuasive. Had she not been so angry for the past, she might well have gone before now.

A sound from upstairs caught her attention. She strained to hear.

Nothing.

Maybe it was just my imagination.
She finished the dress and put the iron aside to cool. Checking to make sure that Grandpa was asleep and didn’t need anything, Ashley picked up the dress and made her way upstairs.

Natalie’s room was closest to the stairs, and then next there was a small room that doubled as a sewing and guest room. At the end of the hall on the opposite side was Ashley’s room and next to it was their bathroom. It was all very compact and neatly ordered. Exactly as Ashley liked it.

Reaching her door, Ashley heard the noise again. She quickly hung her dress in the wardrobe, then made her way back to Natalie’s room. Through the closed door, she could hear her child sobbing softly.

Ashley entered the room quietly and went to Natalie’s bed.
Sinking onto the mattress, she lifted Natalie into her arms and rocked her back and forth. “Did you have a bad dream?” Ashley asked.

“No. I just got sad,” Natalie admitted. She pulled away and pushed back her hair.

“Is this about Grandpa?”

Natalie nodded. “I tried to stay quiet.”

Ashley shook her head and smoothed back the errant strands of hair that Natalie had missed. The light from the hallway spilled into the room, casting a soft glow across them. “Darling girl, you never have to hide your tears from me. I love you, and what’s more, I understand the hurt you’re feeling.”

“But you grew up with your daddy. My daddy is gone and Grandpa is the only daddy I’ve ever had. Now he’s going away too.” Natalie’s lower lip quivered as her emotions overtook her once again.

Ashley held her close and kissed the top of her head. “Shh, it’s all right. I know how important he is to you, but you mustn’t mourn him yet. He’s not even gone. Grandpa is still with us. We mustn’t make him feel bad these last few days.”

Natalie jerked away. “He’s going to die in a few days?”

Ashley shook her head. “No one knows when he’s going to die, Natalie. I only said that to mean whatever time Grandpa has left should be spent in as much comfort and happiness as we can give him. When he’s gone, we can cry all we want, and then it won’t hurt him.”

“Will he see us from heaven? Won’t it hurt him to see us cry then?”

Ashley shrugged. “I don’t know if he will be able to see us from heaven. I don’t know a lot about heaven, but I remember Grandpa saying there’s no pain there. So if that’s the case, then maybe he’ll only see the good things down here on earth and never be sad again.”

Natalie hugged her close. “Will you stay with me till I fall asleep?”

Ashley didn’t normally indulge the child, but this time it
seemed appropriate. “All right. How about I sit right here beside the bed?” Ashley got up and pulled a chair over to the bedside.

“Would you read to me?”

Ashley smiled and turned on the bedside light. “Just for ten minutes. Then you really need to go to sleep. What do you want me to read?”

“Would you read the Bible?”

Ashley tried to hide her grimace, but apparently she wasn’t successful.

“Please, Mama?”

Ashley reached for the black book on Natalie’s nightstand. “All right. Where do you want me to read? The beginning?”

“No. Just open at the marker. That’s where I was reading earlier.”

Ashley opened the Bible and found herself in the Psalms. “Psalm sixty-three?” Natalie nodded and Ashley continued. “ ‘O God, thou art my God; early will I seek thee: my soul thirsteth for thee, my flesh longeth for thee in a dry and thirsty land, where no water is.’ ” She smiled. “Sounds like the desert, eh?”

“It’s one of Grandpa’s favorite chapters. He told me about it,” Natalie said, yawning. “He told me there’s another verse in the Bible that talks about how God makes rivers in the desert.” She snuggled down and closed her eyes. “God can do anything.”

Ashley nodded and continued. “ ‘To see thy power and thy glory, so as I have seen thee in the sanctuary. Because thy lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee. Thus will I bless thee while I live.’ ” Ashley paused, uneasy at the reminder of her grandfather’s fleeting days. She looked over the last line.
Thus will I bless thee while I live.
It was such a simple statement. She drew a deep breath and read on. “ ‘I will lift up my hands in thy name. My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness; and my mouth shall
praise thee with joyful lips: When I remember thee upon my bed, and meditate on thee in the night watches.’ ”

She glanced over to see that Natalie had fallen back to sleep. Her even breathing left no doubt that she had found her comfort and peace once again. Ashley replaced the marker and closed the Bible. She turned off the lamp and left the Bible on the nightstand before leaving the room. A strange peace was upon her. A peace she hadn’t known for some time. Could it really be that simple? she wondered. Could merely reading the Bible—God’s Word—give that kind of comfort to her soul?

CHAPTER FOUR

Ashley sat beside Natalie in church, hoping her nervousness wouldn’t show. Grandpa sat on the other side of Natalie, and both were beaming from ear to ear because of her attendance. This only served to make Ashley more edgy. What if she said or did something that embarrassed them—made them sorry she’d come?

They picked up hymnals as directed by Pastor McGuire and turned to the page he directed. Ashley looked at the words to the song while the organ introduced the melody. When the singing began, Ashley followed the words in silence, mesmerized by their powerful effect.

“Oft my heart has bled with sorrow. Not a friend my grief to share.”
How very true,
Ashley thought. She listened to her daughter sing the words with great enthusiasm and conviction.

The congregation moved to the second verse. “Once I sighed for peace and pleasure, felt a painful void within.” Oh, the words were like affirmation to her soul, and Ashley couldn’t help but eagerly seek the next refrain. “Life was gloomy, death a terror.”
Oh yes,
she thought.
Yes. Death is a terror. It threatens to steal away all the joy I’ve worked so hard to own.

The chorus interrupted her thoughts. “Is there here a soul in trouble—whosoever needs a friend? Jesus’ love your heart will gladden, bless and keep you to the end.”

Could it really be that simple? Could turning your heart over to Jesus—accepting His love—really be the key? If so, why didn’t everybody do it? Ashley teetered between complete confusion and an intense desire to understand. God had seemed so distant to her when Ethan died. She’d attended church most of her life—her mother had insisted. After all, they’d purchased an entire pew at the front of the grand
cathedral and no one was ever allowed there but the Murphy family. It was important to be seen in church. It lent an image of worthiness and respectability, her mother had said. This time, however, church seemed different.

The congregation concluded the song and Pastor McGuire began to pray. He prayed for peace for each individual and then prayed for God to speak through his words. Ashley could hardly concentrate. Her thoughts were still lost in the words of the song. Had she missed something all those years ago?

Throughout Pastor McGuire’s sermon, Ashley kept coming back to the words of the hymn.
Is there here a soul in trouble—whosoever needs a friend?
That could certainly describe her, but could she accept that the solution was in seeking God? God, who had taken away her husband and turned her parents against her? What kind of friend would that make God?

“Why do we suppose when bad things come that God is the only one to bring them?”

Ashley heard Pastor McGuire’s question and snapped to attention. She looked up to meet the older man’s gaze. It was almost as if he’d been waiting for her acknowledgment.

“Sometimes the trials we bear are the consequences of our own actions. We know better than to touch a hot stove. Should we put God to a foolish test and touch it anyway? We know that standing on the railroad tracks in defiance of a speeding locomotive is sure to bring us death. Do we stand there anyway, just to see if God is powerful enough to keep us from harm? Of course not.

“If we put ourselves in harm’s way, purposefully seeking our own pleasure and benefit, and then find ourselves in danger, how does this become the fault of our Lord and Savior?” He paused for a moment and studied the faces of his congregation. His expression softened as he continued. “Of course, there are those things that are thrust upon us that are not of our doing.” Again he looked directly at Ashley. She warmed under his stare and shifted uncomfortably in
her seat. Why had Grandpa and Natalie insisted on sitting so close to the front?

“Sometimes we suffer the consequences of other people’s sin. A man is murdered by a thief. He leaves behind a wife and several children. They will bear the consequences of the murderer’s actions. Are they to blame? No, of course not, but suffer they will, nevertheless. Does this make God unjust? Does this make God an uncaring bystander who leaves His children to fend for themselves?”

Ashley swallowed hard and leaned forward ever so slightly to hear the answer. Surely this man knew her heart—knew the questions and misery that lived there.

“God is not unjust—nor uncaring,” Pastor McGuire continued. “He has offered us shelter in His love. The world will do as it will. Sin will abound and the curse of sin will follow from generation to generation. We will neither go untouched nor unscathed. However, we have but to draw nearer to God in order to be healed of the wounds. We have only to rest in Him and find comfort from the pains of this world. Jesus himself said we would have these trials and pains. He said family members would turn against each other because of Him. He said the way would be difficult. . . . However, He promised we would never face it alone.”

But I feel alone,
Ashley whispered in the depths of her soul.
I feel terribly alone—especially now that Grandpa is dying. How will I make a good home for Natalie once he’s gone? How can I be both father and mother to this child?

She missed the pastor’s final comments but stood with the others as they sang another song. This time she paid little attention to the words or music. Ashley knew there was no sense in trying to focus on anything at this point. Her mind was awash in questions without hope of answers.

****

The days that followed were peaceful ones despite Ashley’s worries. Grandpa, although weakened greatly, seemed
as alert as ever. The pastor came and played checkers twice, and Natalie read to the older man every evening after supper. The routine seemed comfortable, almost easy.

But by Thursday Grandpa’s pain had grown almost unbearable. Ashley offered him the morphine the doctor had given her, but Grandpa was still not yet ready to succumb to the medicated stupor that it promised.

“I need you to go bring my lawyer here. He’s been processing some papers for me—some things we have to tend to before I start taking the medicine,” Grandpa told her that afternoon.

“I’ll go right away,” Ashley promised. “Will you be all right alone? I could wait until Natalie comes home from school.” It was only after the words were out of her mouth that Ashley remembered Natalie’s request to go to the Harvey building site after school.

“No, I’m fine. Just go ahead. I’m going to try to sleep while you’re gone,” Grandpa replied.

Ashley reached out and gently stroked the old man’s snowy white hair. “Grandpa, I love you. I wish I could take this sickness from you.”

He smiled up at her, the weariness evident in his expression. “To every man is appointed a time to die.”

“I wish it could be otherwise.” She took hold of his hand and squeezed it gently. “It’s so unfair.”

“You’re troubled. I can see that,” he said, surprising her. “Sit here with me for a minute. The lawyer can wait. Tell me what’s on your mind. This is more than just me and my situation.”

Ashley carefully sat on the bedside. She knew any movement at all only caused Grandpa greater pain. “I just don’t know what to do,” she admitted.

“About what?”

She shrugged. “Everything, I guess. I want so much to give Natalie a good home, but I can’t be both mother and father
to her. I’ve relied on you for so much over the years, and I don’t know how to make it all work.”

“You could remarry,” Grandpa suggested rather hesitantly.

“That’s what Natalie wants,” Ashley admitted. “But I could never love another man the way I did Ethan.”

“Who’s asking you to? Why don’t you just love another man for himself?”

“I’m afraid I would always be comparing a new husband to Ethan.”

“Child, you only knew Ethan for a short time. Please don’t misunderstand me, but can you truly have that much to compare with, or are you living in the memory of what you’ve created over the long, lonely years?”

Ashley felt as if he’d slapped her. She opened her mouth to speak in anger, then closed it again. Convicted in her own heart, she knew his words held an element of truth. “I suppose there are certain things I’ve created in my mind. We had so little time together, and I didn’t want to lose a single memory. But, Grandpa, he was the love of my life. He made my life seem complete.”

“But he’s dead and gone. His suffering is over, but yours goes on. Maybe Natalie wants a new father as much for you as for herself. Maybe she realizes how lonely and miserable you are—how much you need a companion.”

There was no need to deny it. Ashley knew her grandfather would figure out the truth whether she tried to conceal it or not. “I just don’t know if I can open my heart up to someone again. The people I loved so dearly have hurt me so deeply.”