Desirable (2 page)

Chapter 3

How to be Popular with Girls

The lesson was about making websites. Each group had to design a fan site for a band or a singer, and decide what to put on the front page and how to lay it out. Paula leaned over to Jade and said, “We're doing a George fan site. It's called WeloveGeorge and it's going to have loads of George gossip and George facts on it. George, what's your favorite color?”

“I don't really have a favorite color.”

“Put that down. George is open to all colors. Because he looks good in everything. Like that back pack he has – the one that looks like radio-active mustard.”

“Yeah.”

“It's so cool.”

“My fluorescent back pack is cool? How come you never said that before?”

“I never really noticed before. Can I take a picture of you?”

The two of them then started taking pictures of me with their cell phones. By now time was up and Mr. Fitton said, “OK, let's hear some of your ideas ... Jasmine.” Jasmine's group was her twin sister, Lily, and another girl and she said, “Our idea was to have a fan site all about George.”

“That was our idea,” said Paula.

“And ours,” said Maddie Yates.

Every single girl was working on a George Owusu (i.e. Me) fan site. All except Danielle. She – amazingly – was working on a Warhammer site.

I said, “Warhammer? That's interesting.”

“Not as interesting as you, George,” said Perfect Paula.

“We were going to do, like, ‘20 Things You Didn't know about George',” said Lucy Begley, “Like his favorite color ...”

“George doesn't have a favorite color,” said Paula, smugly.

“Well his favorite book then.”

“
Lord of the Rings
,” said Lucy. “Isn't that right, George?”

“Well ... I suppose so ...”

Tiny Biggs looked bewildered. Angry Al Kominski looked like he was going to explode. “What's going on?!” he roared. “What. Is. Going. On? Someone tell me now before I get angry.”

No one wants Angry Al to get angry, so Mr. Fitton said, “Yes, George, what is going on? Is this some kind of joke?”

“I don't know.”

“You don't know?”

“No.”

“Well perhaps you'd better find out. Go and report to the Principal. Now.”

Mrs. Hardman is the Principal but most of the time she is obsessed with raising money for the new gym. If you're ever in trouble, you can get out of it by giving her some money for her gym fund. She didn't even look when I first came in. She just said, “Are you in trouble?”

“I'm not sure.”

“Got any money on you?”

“Only my bus fare.”

“Hmmm then I expect you're probably in a lot of ...” She stopped. She sniffed. She smiled at me. A big, glowing smile. It melted over her face like butter over hot toast. “Oh,” she said, “It's ...”

“Owusu. George Owusu.”

“George Owusu. How lovely to see you. What can I get you? Cup of coffee? Tea? I think we have hot chocolate somewhere.”

“Mr. Fitton sent me to see you.”

“Did he? I must remember to thank him.” She'd already started making the hot chocolate.

“I don't have time for hot chocolate,” I said. “I have math now.”

“Oh, don't go.”

“I have to. Math is so important.”

By lunch time, I knew this wasn't a trap. By lunch time, I knew that everyone just loved me. When I tried to sit at my usual table – the one with the wobbly leg, by the garbage – it was already surrounded. Paula and her friends, Jasmine and Lily, they were all there. Then there was a fight because they didn't all fit. Things got worse when the Freshman girls wanted to sit by me too. And the Sophomores. In the end, someone went and got Mrs. Hardman and she worked out a rota so that all the girls could take turns sitting next to me. “And it's my turn first,” she said.

The only girl who didn't want to sit with me was Danielle. She was at the opposite side of the cafeteria, eating her lunch and reading a book, all on her own. It was only when I saw her doing that today that I realized I'd seen her doing it before – lots of times – that she often ate on her own.

Angry Al came over and said, “I want a word with you.”

Mrs. Hardman said, “Have you booked?”

“Booked?”

“You have to book to sit by George. These places are reserved from now until Christmas. I can put your name down if you like.”

Angry Al clutched his head. “What. Is. Going. On?” he howled. “It's confusing me. Why is he so popular all of a sudden?”

“I don't know,” said Mrs. Hardman. “I think he's just bloomed really. George, do you think you've bloomed?”

“I suppose so,” I said. Well I wasn't going to tell them, was I, that it was all down to a bottle of aftershave that was 30 years past its sell-bydate.

Chapter 4

How to Recognize Goblins

The next morning I lay in bed, thinking what a great day that was. And today would be just as good. And tomorrow. And every day. All I had to do was dab on a bit of grandpa's old aftershave. So I did. As soon as I opened the bottle, Mrs. Doyle's dog started barking, the birds all flew off and Mom banged on my wall. I dabbed some behind my ears, then I wrapped the bottle in a t-shirt and put it in my school bag. I wasn't going to leave it in the house and risk Mom dumping it in the recycling.

Two minutes later the doorbell rang and there were Jasmine and Lily and Maddie Yates. And, well a lot of girls. “Hi, George!” they all said together. “Are you coming to school?”

“It's a school day, so yes I am going to school.”

“He's being sarcastic again,” said Maddie, “I love it!”

“So do we!” said a whole bunch of other girls. “And look what we've got!” They all turned their backs towards me. They were all wearing fluorescent yellow back packs. “We've got that George Owusu look,” said Jasmine.

Dad was passing the front door in his pyjamas. All the girls waved at him yelling,

“there's George's dad, look! Hello, George's dad!”

“Errm,” said Dad. “Hello.” He waved back, a bit nervous. Then he hissed at me, “What's going on? How come you're so popular all of a sudden?”

“What a silly question,” said Mom. “He's popular because he's lovely.”

“Well, yeah,” said Dad. “But he wasn't popular before.”

“Ah. Well. Now that did puzzle me,” said Mom. “If you'd asked me then, why he wasn't popular, we could have discussed it. But why he's popular? Because he's lovely. End of.” Dad didn't look as if he believed her. I just shrugged and went to school. Jasmine let me walk under her umbrella. Lily carried my bag.

Maddie told me little jokes she'd saved up just for me. It was lovely. I said, “Why can't everyone's walk to school be like this?”

Jasmine said, “Not everyone's like you, George.”

It was a shame we didn't get all the way to school. But Perfect Paula's Mom stopped in her big pink Audi and offered me a lift, and it seemed rude to say no. “Sit in the back with me,” said Paula.

“No. In the front with me,” said her Mom.

“In the back with me.”

In the end they decided that I would go in the back as far as the lights and in the front the rest of the way to school. While they were arguing, I looked out of the window and saw Tiny Biggs standing at the kerb, waiting to cross. I was going to wave to him but Perfect Paula's Mum drove through a puddle and soaked him, so I slid down in my seat in case he saw me. That's when I thought – hang on, I'm a celeb. We don't need to wait for Hilary Duff. I can make Warhammer popular all by myself.

“What are you thinking, George?” said Paula.

“I'm thinking I might go to Warhammer Club this lunch time,” I said.

When I got to Warhammer Club that lunchtime, Tiny was jumping up and down with happiness. “It's happened,” he said, “I don't know how. But it's happened. Warhammer is in. Come and look.” The computer room was packed with girls. As soon as I walked in, they all screamed and waved.

“I've died,” said Tiny, “And gone to Heaven.”

I said, “Who'd like to play Warhammer?”

They all yelled, “We all would!!!!!!!!”

“And so would I,” said a voice at the door. It was Mrs. Hardman. And a voice behind her said, “And me.” It was Perfect Paula's mom. “You don't mind me spending the day in school, I hope,” she said to Mrs. Hardman. “It's just that, well, George is here.”

Me and Tiny played one game to show them how it worked. Every time I threw the dice, they all cheered and shouted, “Go, George!” Tiny said this was annoying, but I thought it was great. Then Maddie put her hand up and asked a question about goblins. I tried my best to explain the difference between a goblin and an orc. Then I told them some more about the nature and geography of the Warhammer World. The girls seemed really interested in stuff like that. They all sat in a circle and stared up at me while I talked. I forgot all about lunch until Mr. Fitton came in and said, “What are you girls doing in here? This is supposed to be Warhammer Club.”

“We are the Warhammer club,” said the girls.

“Forever,” added Lucy in a dreamy voice.

“I don't know what's going on,” said Mr. Fitton. “But I do know that you've only got ten minutes left for lunch.”

When we got to the cafeteria, they'd set up all the tables so they made one big table down the middle of the room, and everyone could sit with me. My old table was still over in the corner by the garbage though, and Danielle was sitting at it. With Tiny Biggs. He must have left Warhammer club early. I hadn't even seen him go. Don't get me wrong. It was great sitting at that big table, with everyone passing me food and telling me jokes. But every now and then I looked over at my old table and thought how lucky Tiny was to have Danielle to himself like that.

Chapter 5

How to be Unpopular
with Boys

Then it was Gym.

When I walked into the changing room, Angry Al Kominski was waiting for me with Tiny and another boy I'd never seen before. But he was huge. And I suddenly realized that the boys' changing rooms were probably the only place in the whole school where I wouldn't have girls to protect me. I said, “Hi.”

“This,” said Angry Al, pointing to the huge boy, “is my friend, Huge Arnold. He doesn't go to this school. But he is Perfect Paula's boyfriend. He wants to know why she's got pictures of you on her cell phone. And on her bedroom wall.”

“On her bedroom wall? Really?”

“Grrrrr,” said Huge Arnold.

“We're playing football today,” said Angry Al. “And Huge Arnold has agreed to play with us. Even though he doesn't go to this school. He's going to play on my team. Against you.”

Huge Arnold said, “Grrrrrr” again. He didn't need to say anything else. “Grrrr” said it all really.

“Just tell us what's going on,” said Tiny. “Tell us how you do it, so we can do it too.” He was looking at my bag as he said this.

I clutched it a bit tighter. I suppose that's what gave the game away.

I really think I might have told Tiny the truth there and then, if Mr. Fitton hadn't come in just then and said, “Right. Get changed. Let's play football.”

I said, “I'm excused.”

“Excused why?”

I hadn't really thought of a reason. But I had thought of a powerful ally. I said, “Honestly, I am excused, ask Mrs. Hardman.”

“It was Mrs. Hardman's idea, George.”

“What?”

“She seemed to think the sight of you running around in shorts would be very popular. She sold tickets.”

“What?!”

“For the Sports Center Fund. The whole school is out there ready to cheer you on. They've paid two dollars a head. So no, you can't be excused.”

“I can't even play football.”

“Well it's time to learn.”