Destined to Play (15 page)

‘You are overwhelming, all-encompassing, all-consuming.’ He slowly breathes into my ear. His words heighten the intensity between my legs as I again wait for the ache to subside. He could always trigger this pre-orgasmic feeling over the years with a look, a touch, a comment.

But rather than being diluted over the years, it has now reached a concentration I never imagined possible.

‘Do you feel the same way?’

I nod, too overcome to speak, not daring to acknowledge the underlying truth in his words.

‘What have you done to me?’ is all I can manage to barely whisper.

‘You do know I love you, Alexa.’ His tone is serious, his voice overflowing with emotion.

‘Yes, I do. You know I love you, too.’

‘It’s strange, isn’t it, having a love like ours that isn’t based on traditional love per se.’

‘It always has been … strange between us … intense … playful … intoxicating …’

‘Our unexplained, unreconciled love …’

‘At least we understood that at a very young age.’ Or did we? I wonder silently.

Jeremy’s mood seems to have shifted. I’m used to him switching from playfulness to challenging, from forcefulness to reflection, but this is slightly different. He seems to be talking to me on one level and lost in his own thoughts at the same time. The dark undercurrent still lingers beneath his words. I don’t know if I’m unwilling or unable to explore further. Not being allowed to ask questions doesn’t help especially as I keep getting in trouble when I do. And now he says he loves me. My roller-coaster of blackness is becoming as much emotional as it is physical.

I feel exhausted, numb.

Alive.

Calm.

Intense.

Light.

Energised.

Overwhelmed.

Frightened.

Lustful.

Special.

I lie down on my back with my elbows propping me up. Jeremy offers me some water. Basic needs become an urgent priority as I realise just how thirsty I am. I splash it down my throat and gulp and gulp and gulp.

‘Thank you.’

‘Are you hungry?’

‘I’m not sure.’ He hands me a sandwich and I take a bite. ‘Hmm, maybe I am.’

We eat and chat and chat. And chat and eat and drink as the wall I have carefully constructed to protect me from my feelings for him over the past decade crumbles more completely.

‘Can I ask you something?’ the voice beside me says.

A flash of anxiety passes through me for a millisecond and I send it away.

‘Sure. What would you like to ask me?’

‘Do you ever do it back there, any more?’ I must have looked as confused as I felt because his hand slips under my crotch and gives a little push toward my butt. ‘You know, back there.’

‘Of all the things to ask! No, I don’t. Not since you anyway,’ I explain, not in the least expecting this change in topic.

My arsehole must remember the feelings of the first time as it starts to react to our discussion.

‘Why not?’

‘Why should I?’

‘Alex,’ he says flatly.

‘This question thing is ridiculous!’

He returns to the subject he wants to discuss. ‘But you loved it.’

‘
You
loved it and that’s why you did it. You were obsessed with it, ever since the butt plug night and still are by the sounds of it,’ I add.

‘But your body loved it.’

‘I’m not so sure …’

‘Oh, but yes it did. Your body loved it a lot.’

He rolls me over on to my stomach and simply cups his hand over my leathered behind.

Tingles immediately zap through my body as if to prove the point.

‘Well, it may have, eventually, but
I
didn’t,’ I say quickly, attempting to close the topic.

Why is he talking about this?

‘Isn’t it one and the same?’

‘Obviously not,’ I reply.

‘Really? So you are actually admitting that your mind and body might be thinking and feeling different things?’ Oh, here we go, our age-old discussion …

‘Why are you trying to trap me with your words, Jeremy? Honestly, you are making me doubt every assumption I’ve ever made in my life this weekend. It is really disturbing me.’

‘Ah, this just keeps getting more perfect by the hour,’ he says, laughing with confidence.

‘I don’t find it even vaguely amusing, actually.’ I say nothing more in the hope that he will move on to another topic of conversation.

‘I’m only asking because I’m involved in some research that deals with exactly this issue.’

‘What, arseholes? And back door entry?’ Now it is my turn to chuckle as I consider exactly what this sort of research might have involved back at uni. No doubt Jeremy would have eagerly volunteered.

‘No, not arseholes, Alex,’ he says more seriously, then jokes, ‘Well, not yet anyway, but I am happy to experiment with yours whenever you’re ready.’ He strategically strokes my leathered behind. ‘More about that later. Right now, we need to get going.’

‘Oh, do we have to? The sun feels so good it would be lovely just to stay here a little longer and have a siesta, don’t you think?’ I settle into a sideways sleeping position.

‘It would be, but it is not going to happen. I’m not wasting my hours with you sleeping when we are on a time limit. I am making the most of every minute.’

‘How much more can we fit in, Jeremy? Drinks, baths, dinner, dancing, singing, sex, orgasms, breakfast, bike riding, coffee,
skydiving
’ — I say with great emphasis — ‘and now a picnic. Isn’t that enough for a week, let alone one day? We’ve already done everything. Let’s rest a little, just half an hour or so. There’s still plenty of time.’ I say the words although I’ve no idea how much time is left or where we are. I place my hand out to try to find him and pull him toward me but he has moved.

‘You haven’t changed, have you? There’s so much more to experience, to awaken within you and so little time.’

‘Isn’t skydiving the ultimate experience? I promise you, Jeremy, I feel well and truly awakened, probably more so than I have for many decades.’ My mind wanders back to this morning and the pulsing sensation reignites in my groin from the memories.

‘I can assure you, sweetheart, I have barely begun.’ He strokes my cheeks and lightly kisses my lips. Shit! Barely begun? What more is there? My heart starts racing — again.

‘There is an amazing innocence about you, Alexa, even after all these years.’

I’m not sure whether to be offended or not.

‘We need to get moving now so we can rectify your innocence. There is no time to be lost.’

‘No. I’m not moving. What innocence? What are you talking about?’ I would never use that word to describe myself. I stay stubbornly seated.

He completely ignores me. ‘If you’re not going to move, I’ll just have to do it for you. A man’s work is never done these days.’ He sweeps me up from the blanket, his hand firmly grabbing my arse in the process as if to reinforce our conversation. After taking a few steps, he places me on a warm seat, fastens a seat belt around me and readjusts the sunglasses to ensure they are in the correct position, once again ensuring I am utterly in the dark.

‘We’re in a car?’ The engine roars to life, as does the rhythmic, tribal trance music coming from the speakers and off we go. We must be in a convertible given the wind once again whips around my ears as we hit the open road. At least this will be a little more comfortable for the journey back to the hotel. Although on second thoughts, after a long bike ride, a plane trip, the parachute jump and now being in a car, I have absolutely no idea where we are or where we could be heading. We could have crossed state lines for all I know. My curiosity regarding our whereabouts is peaking, as I’m sure is Jeremy’s intention. Even so, I dare not entertain asking the question. So I sit silently, enjoying the psychological space the music freely offers my mind.

Part V

The eye — it cannot choose but see

We cannot bid the ear be still

Our bodies feel; where’er they be

Against, or with our will

— W. Wordsworth 1847

O
ur journey continues and I am surprised at how energised I feel given my presumed emotional exhaustion. It is as if Jeremy has discovered and unleashed a fertile oasis within my body, which I’d previously regarded as a barren desert. The pores in my skin feel like they are oozing pheromones. I have never felt this intensely alive, so sensual, so sexual, so female. I consider my marriage to Robert as a contrast and my feelings are numb, almost non-existent. But how could they ever compare to the magnitude on the Richter scale that Jeremy creates — could anyone else create such emotional seismic shifts for me? My thoughts are interrupted by Jeremy’s voice as he places his hand on my knee.

‘Do you mind if we talk about some aspects of my research now, while we are driving?’

‘No, not at all.’

‘Just wanted to check, as you looked deep in thought.’ I shake my head to dislodge my feelings.

‘Please, I’d love to hear about it.’

‘Okay, great. As I mentioned earlier, there is a group of doctors and professors from around the globe collaborating to research the connections between physiology and cognitive neuropsychology in regards to sexual activity. I am now heavily involved as a result of my research into the explicit links between sex-related issues and depression. To cut a long story short, I had the good fortune of meeting up with Samuel a few months ago in Hong Kong when both our flights were cancelled due to volcanic ash, so we had the rare opportunity to discuss our work in detail.’

‘Ah, so that explains why he was so up to speed with your work.’

‘No doubt when you met for lunch Sam informed you of their research into the female orgasm and the scientific discrepancies and medical controversy regarding ejaculation.’

I nod in confirmation, fully absorbed in his words. I love it when he is in professional mode and his work fascinates me. I can hear the passion in his voice.

‘We ended up brainstorming the possibility of developing a formula produced from natural serotonin that would not adversely affect the chemical balance of the human brain in the medium to long-term. After much testing and analysis in our labs, we discovered there are potential links between our areas of research, given certain scenarios, that significantly reduce the likelihood of depression — particularly involving the concept of “adult play”. This indirectly led us to analysing the secretion of fluids from female orgasm for each blood type.’

‘Wow, that sounds amazing.’ This is Jeremy at his best, why he is recognised globally for his research. I can’t help but be in awe of his capabilities and the way in which his tangential mind operates to find solutions others completely miss. He is always open to exploring the unlikely.

‘We believe there is another potential link, one that we haven’t explored in detail as yet, which relates to our discussion earlier.’

He pauses and I sense a slight hesitation in his voice.

‘It involves sensory connectivity, the neural pathways that may exist between the body and brain in relation to sexual activity, and the corresponding hormones secreted and released. We need to secure a Research Psychologist before we can progress with our plans for experimentation. Your specific expertise is highly sought after, particularly on a project of this nature and our review board specifically asked me to discuss it with you and assess your interest in the role.’

Jeremy knows full well that professional flattery will get him everywhere and this subject is close to my heart. He is playing his cards well and his timing, as usual, is perfect, especially given the state I’m currently in — that he, in fact, is responsible for.

‘You really are a clever man, Jeremy.’

‘Thank you, as you are a clever woman,’ he says with a smile in his voice. ‘I can provide you with more information, if you’re willing to consider it. It would mean you’d be working closely with myself, Samuel, and Ed — Professor Applegate in the US, that is — and Dr Lauren Bertrand in France, she’s a prominent chemist, along with Professor Schindler, a German neuroscientist, and one or two others from the UK we are in the process of confirming. It would involve a bit of travel, you know, from time to time …’ His voice trails off, as he knows this has been an issue for me in the past. ‘We’d all immensely value your involvement, Dr Blake. You come highly recommended regardless of your connection to me and you are the team’s first choice in filling the role. Your lecture on Friday sealed the deal from our perspective,’ he adds seriously.

‘Gosh, I’m not sure what to say … It sounds incredible, Jeremy.’ I am secretly thrilled they are even considering me and so pleased we can still have a professional conversation after everything we have been through for the last however many hours. What an opportunity, to work with such distinguished minds in their chosen fields. It sounds like a professional dream come true. I consider Elizabeth and Jordan. They are both older now, at school full-time and have their own friends and activities. I think of the endless pick-ups and drop-offs — soccer practice, piano lessons, dancing, gymnastics. Kids have busy lives themselves, these days. They are more able to cope with me being away now, I reason, and a little time away here and there would be exciting, good for me to be living my own life. Robert’s job has the flexibility to work around school hours more easily than my career. I have put so many other opportunities on the back burner for my family, maybe now is the time to finally say yes. How would I feel if I let a chance like this slip by?

‘Actually, I’d love to be involved. Count me in,’ I say decisively.

‘Honestly? Hey, that’s great! We’ve no doubt having someone like you on the team will make all the difference to the practical applications of our analysis.’

He really is in flattery mode, I think to myself.

‘Thanks, Jeremy, I really appreciate it.’ It’s like receiving accolades for years of hard work

— I’m completely chuffed.

‘And just so you are perfectly clear, I’m expecting you to be personally involved in both the conceptual development of our theories
and
their application. So, no more sitting on the sidelines, Alexa. Do you understand what I am saying?’