Diary of a Dork - Articles of Sarcasm and Irreverence (2 page)

- We tend to be
quite secretive and only ever get seen in public if we want to show
off a new clump of hair on our backs. For instance you ever seen a
‘pilla driving a car? No? Well that’s ‘cos we don’t drive cars! LOL
you are such a doofus.

- Pick it, roll
it, smell it, sniff it, flick it. Ip, dip, dog-shit, fucking
bastard, stupid git, you are not it. We had those rhymes way WAY
before you human fuckers did and you stole them from us. It’s why
we don’t ever speak to you lot, you thieving pieces of
monkey-derived evolutionary pricks. We HATE your ugly-ass face, we
hate your ugly-ass BUTTS and we want our shit back.

- LOL I jokes
bruv. We love you guys really, especially the way you use big
fuck-off bulldozers called CAT to wipe out our living environments.
Yeah, we appreciate the irony and all that but that jokes old now.
Give us a break, yo. You FUCKS.

*****

Another fairly
standard week. I was down the local pond counting the tadpoles
again when I realised that they don't stay still. I had already
counted some of them last week when I was over the other side of
the pond and it was like I was wasting my time. I got so cross at
this that I took my favourite pebble out my pocket and threw it at
the tadpoles to teach them a lesson. They all swam away and I was
unable to find my pebble again which made me feel sad because I
have had it for ages and ages and it had been my favourite ever
since I found it in the bottom of my auntie’s fish tank.

I was watching a
Batman cartoon and thought how good it would be to have my own
utility belt. I got one of my mum's dresses and cut it up so it was
like a belt with loads of pockets and used sellotape to hold all
the gadgets and stuff in. So far I have got three gadgets - a
toothbrush, an empty box of matches and a water balloon and the
belt has been really handy. Someone spilled some tea on the floor
and I leapt into action to clean it up using the toothbrush but
then the balloon burst everywhere and I got told off for making a
mess. I haven’t used the box yet but it reminded me that back in
South Africa there is always a shortage of matches because everyone
is having so much fun setting things on fire all the time and I
think that is why it is so hot there.

One game I have
always wanted to play is chess but I don’t have a chess board. I
decided to make my own board and gave it a personal touch by
putting ‘out of bounds’ areas to make it more interesting. I
started drawing the squares but then my eyes went funny after a
while so there are circles, triangles and even elephants on the
board as well which makes things more fun. I have never played
chess before so I looked up the rules and they seemed really
complicated so I made up my own rules where each person has only
three pieces and they can go anywhere on the board they like. If I
owned my own boardgame company it would be called ‘Slots of
Fun’.

*****

Hello my name is
Gertrude, though only my brood mother actually calls me by that
name. I am also known as Farty Gerty as I tend to be excessively
flatulent when I get excited or nervous. It mostly happens when I
am out having a nice trot on the road and a cyclist sneaks up on
me. It’s so embarrassing! Those rotten sods on their bikes should
use a bell or something so I know they are there. *sigh*

One thing I don’t
understand about being a horse is why my legs and knees are so
spindly, it just doesn’t make any sense at all. I am a whacking
great beast chock full of muscle (I can beat anyone at an arm
wrestle for instance) yet I am perched up on four legs that make me
feel like a shaved poodle. A poodle for shit’s sake! Poodles are
horrendous creatures and I graze on their fur whenever one of the
freaky little twats comes anywhere near me. I sometimes get them
mixed up with sheep which is unfortunate because wool tends to get
stuck in the back of my throat.

I had a job
interview once and when it came to talking about my strengths and
weaknesses I just couldn’t shut up talking about Polo mints. Man I
love those things and just can’t get enough of them! Some kid came
to my farm once and I could smell that he had a packet of them in
his rucksack. I couldn’t help myself and I delved right on in and
munched them down all at once. The poor kid was terrified but at
the time I didn’t have a care in the world for anything else – I
smelt mints and that was all that mattered. I knocked the little
twerp to the ground and ate up everything he had in his bag.

Once the
excitement had died down all you could smell was the lingering
whiff of my farts and the mints mixed together. It was heavenly
embarrassment.

*****

Hey, Steve Dog
here again. I have been proper busy lately and the fact that I can
handle myself has come in right handy I can promise you. I am
currently writing a book and it has a provisional title of ‘Crow
Blow: How to use a crowbar to open a can of tapioca’. I am aiming
it at people who can’t use a tin opener due to arthritis, injury or
simply because they are a soppy bastard so old grannies and nancy
boys will love it. My publisher reckons I should hire a ghost
writer but he is such a div sometimes because everyone knows there
aint no such things as ghosts and I told him not to waste my time
in the future. He started arguing with me so I threw a chair at him
and then he just sat there in silence like a muggy twat.

I popped into
McDonalds the other day and if there is one thing I hate about that
place it’s the way they shove all that lettuce and gherkin shite
down my throat. Piss off with the healthy living stuff and give me
some proper grub. I asked them to hold back on the mayo and give me
a packet of pork scratchings instead but the spotty pleb behind the
counter just looked at me as if I was a stupid twat. Now I aint no
stupid twat so I went fucking ballistic, called them all a bunch of
wankers and stole some straws and napkins on the way out. It’s a
doggy dog world and you have to know how to look after yourself
these days.

I went round a
mates house and he was just sitting there watching telly and eating
some nuts. I took a few walnuts and my mate handed me the nut
cracker. I just laughed, told him I didn’t need no tools and
headbutted them all open in one hit whilst he just sat there
looking at me like I was Superman or something. When I got home I
tried the same trick on a couple of things but it didn’t really
work out that great – the kitchen got covered in custard and I
needed 15 stitches after trying to open a wine bottle.

Peace.

*****

I saw a dog on TV
that looked identical to the old family pet cat we used to have.
The cat was smaller, had whiskers and didn’t eat dog food but apart
from that this dog was exactly the same as my old cat. I remember I
once fed it two cans of Red Bull and a spicey Italian sausage – it
went bonkers and ran around the house for about three hours, shit
all over the carpets and then hid in the garden shed. My bike and
paddling pool are kept in this shed and after this incident the
pool smelt of cat poo whenever we filled it up with water.
Sometimes when I went snorkling in the pool I would swallow some
water by mistake and this made me feel sick. I miss my cat and if I
see him in heaven I will say sorry for mixing his food with the
kitty litter to make cakes and then trying to sell them to him. My
mum then banned me from the kitchen when I tried to cook some of
them in the oven.

I saw a twig on
the ground today and it got me thinking how great it would be to be
one. It would be fun because you could spend nearly all day just
sitting there doing nothing and looking up at the clouds in the sky
or pretend you are a spy on a mission to save the world from an
evil genius who wants to steal all the Tutti Fruiti lollies. When
the shop down the road from me runs out of them I have to choose
between a choc ice or a milkshake and neither of them are as good
so I wouldn't want anyone to take all the Tutti Fruttis.. I have
never found any ice in a choc ice so I think something is wrong
there.

I used to like
reading the Rupert the Bear books when I was younger and I
sometimes dressed up as him. I didn’t have a yellow scarf so made
one out of Post-It notes and drawed the pattern using my crayons.
Once I decided to go swimming as Rupert but the scarf went all
mushy and fell apart and clogged up the water filters and also
stuck to people’s goggles. Everyone was shouting at me so I was
quite upset and I still get nervous whenever I have to have a
bath.

*****

Hello there. I am
the self-proclaimed Odourless Man and if there is one thing that I
cannot stand it is people who try too hard in order to stand out. I
simply cannot abide attention seekers and I have filed many an
official complaint about anyone who I believe is beginning to
exhibit any kind of extreme or out-of-the-ordinary behaviour.

Every morning,
without fail, I will have a shower using the bare minimum of
shampoo possible. I do not want to smell of soap for I desire to be
utterly odourless. I then open the bathroom window and allow myself
to drip-dry, though I will use a hairdryer if I am in a hurry. I
once made the mistake of using the hairdryer on a hot setting which
resulted in me smelling like a warm human for several minutes which
just isn’t right. Back into the shower I went and started my
laborious morning routine all over again.

My clothes for the
day will be on a radiator that is set at EXACTLY skin temperature
and never changes. If I am to chastise someone in the office for
chewing too much chewing gum – the stench of a minty room makes me
ill - it would be somewhat queer if I am smelling of warm clothes
as I jot down their name, badge number and the colour of their
socks for future reference.

I remember once
during a job interview I was asked what person I most admired. I
said that I most admired my old headmaster who used to walk around
all the local bus stops once school had finished to make sure that
all the pupils were still wearing their ties and blazers properly.
The interviewer was a real swine who stank of aftershave and I
really wasn't very surprised when I didn't get offered the job.

*****

I work in a
furniture shop and as you can imagine this means I know loads and
loads about furniture. In fact I consider myself something of an
expert on various forms of furniture and I take it very seriously
indeed. When talking to customers I often dazzle them with my
knowledge and will drop amazing little factoids into the
conversation in an attempt to pressure them into buying things. For
instance I told an old lady that the VHS cassette holder she was
admiring was manufactured in a factory in Hull but polished in a
church hall in Wigan. I topped this off by then explaining that she
could use it to prop herself up if her hip failed again. She was so
impressed that she got two of them in our ‘two VHS holders for the
price of one’ sale and I pocketed an impressive £1.15 in commission
for my efforts.

One downside of
being so knowledgeable and passionate about my profession is that I
can be short-tempered when it comes to people’s ignorance. I have
learnt to control myself better these days but when I first started
I was like a hair-trigger volcano ready to burst at any time. I
remember a customer once compared one of our lovely mahogany corner
cabinet with leaded glass windows and reinforced shelves to some
kind of contraption she had seen in IKEA the previous day. Yes,
I-fucking-KEA. Right there and then I grabbed a cotton pillow,
buried my face into it and swore my head off into the soft, yellow,
woven fabric for at least 10 minutes. I was immature back then and
whenever something like that happens now I just excuse myself, sit
in the toilet for a while and send abusive text messages to myself
until I calm down. I once accidentally sent one to my mother and it
was weeks before I was allowed back round my parents house for
corned beef hash again. My phone bill is enormous.

Sometimes I have
to go out on deliveries and this is troublesome because the
delivery driver is a complete and utter dim-witted oaf. I do quite
enjoy the freedom that being out on the road brings me – I can lean
out the window and shout abuse at people who have flat-packed
furniture in their cars for example – but I always get homesick for
the shop floor. Sometimes the delivery driver will sneak up on me,
get me in a headlock and then tie me to a chair with a sign round
my neck saying ‘LOSER’. Secretly I don’t mind this as the chairs in
the shop are all of a very good quality and the feel of the red
velvet cushion stands in contrast to the hard and cruel patterns of
the wooden frame that press into my skin.

*****

This week was
interesting. I went into a shop and bought what I thought was a
long, thin apple but actually turned out to be a banana that hadn’t
ripened yet and it made my mouth feel funny after I had eaten it. I
then started thinking about the story of William Tell and how
different the story would have turned out if a banana had been put
on his head instead of an apple. A banana is shaped like a
boomerang so there is a chance that the arrow would come flying
back at whoever fired it. If I was ever going to design a boomerang
it would have pictures of chimpanzees chasing after parrots and it
would be in the shape of a sword because I think swords are
fun.

I really like
Christmas time and I have started designing some decorations and
things already. My favourite design so far is the one I thought up
a few years ago whilst I was out collecting bird feathers in my
garden. The design has some cow parsley growing on the floor and
the stalks wrapped in glitter and there are birds with paper hats
on their heads flying around singing ‘Good King Wenceslas’. I once
tried to set this all up in my front room when my parents were out
but the birds wouldn’t stay still and the place got covered in
feathers and poo. I also managed to tread mud in all the carpets. I
tried to eat some of the parsley but it wasn’t very nice and I had
bits stuck in my teeth for ages.